Gators, Pythons, Publicity Agents and Other Dangerous Animals

This is my biggest nightmare wrapped in the nightmare of another friend. Gators and crocodiles scare the bejeezus out of me for no real reason. I call this my irrational fear, because the likelihood of me encountering a gator in the middle of a completely land-locked state is highly unlikely.

However, my fear of being impaled by a deer's antler's while driving is substantially more reasonable for the mere fact that I actually live in an area prone to having lots of deer and that area also has forests near highways. All things in that equation add up to a trip to the body shop with deer skin implanted on your headlights. Mom always made me have deer horns on my car, but somehow they haven't made it onto Cam.

On another note, the weekend was marred by a crappy Saturday Night Live with an even crappier musical guest. I was making a comment on how it must suck for Ashlee Simpson to be the less attractive, talentless one in the family when Chef turned to me and said, "Yeah, how does it feel?"

Ahhhh, SNAP. And before you get your panties in a wad, he was KIDDING. We all love my brother, but we know he can't sing for shit.

Is anyone else tired of the "SPLIT!" that supposedly happened between Nick & Jessica? Everyone knows that the only thing the public wants to hear about in regards to couples are the following:

• Are they dating?
• Are they engaged yet?
• Did they actually make it to the alter?
• Is she pregnant?
• When are they breaking up?

When 'Newlyweds' hit the air, we already knew that three out of four of those were answered for us. So the nation watched and laughed while someone dumber than we viewed ourselves made these mistakes publicly. But of course, when I trip outside of the Olive Garden and get humiliated, no one hands me a dollar for the entertainment value. They got our money. They outsmarted us.

When they were cute and it was funny that she spent $1500 on one set of sheets, we all wondered when they were going to have kids. Now that we've realized the joke was on us (and if you saw the Variety Show or Christmas Special then you REALLY are the butt of the joke), America is pissed.

Pissed off people wish for bad things to happen and so we've moved on to "When are they breaking up?". It's natural and if Nick & Jessica were willing to play the game with their marriage on center court before this, then they should be prepared for the end results.

And the next time my ass gets glued to a toilet seat, I want everyone to pay me 50 cents before I tell the story. It's totally worth it.