Why is Melanie Griffith famous? And other Burning Questions

Was it "Working Girl" that did it? Her also borderline famous husbands? Do two craptastic stars who are married equal one decent single star?

I actually didn't watch the Golden Globes last night. As much as I indulge in star gossip, I still can't sit through 3 or 4 hours of people congratulating themselves for reading well and working. Because that's what it is. Think about it: True celebrities aren't busting ass to make ends meet, so they only end up doing one movie that's released per year. How do they choose what movie? They read or have someone else with taste read and figure out what would be the best role to make a splash in.

Lately it's pretty easy to figure out. Here are some good standard rules for picking an award-winning or at least award-nomination garnering roles:

1. Play the part of a recently deceased musician. (examples include Ray, Walk The Line) Hello? Who HASN'T seen VH1's Behind the Music? Make it a 2 hour episode and cast some cuties for a sure hit. Drug abuse never looked so good.
2. Play the ugly person...for a change. (examples Monster, The Hours, TransAmerica, Million Dollar Baby, Bridget Jones) We like to see pretty girls gain weight so that they think they're "normal" in size. However, they're still usually about 30 lbs under the average American weight, so throw in a prosthetic nose for good measure.
3. Add homosexuality, transsexuality or sexual ambiguity into the script. (examples Brokeback Mountain, Capote, TransAmerica, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Tootsie, Shakespeare in Love, anything with Hillary Swank) Tape down those tits. Tuck your schlong and kiss someone of the same sex. Then wait for Middle America to be pissed and the critics to rave.
4. Play someone with an emotional or physical disability. (examples Rain Man, Forrest Gump, Philadelphia, As Good As it Gets). It kind of goes with the audience wanting to see a person ugly. We also want to see them have a disability of some sort. It makes them seem like the dumb person we all secretly hope they are.

Enough about awards. I didn't watch the Golden Globes because I was watching '24'. It premiered over two nights with four great hours of Jack Bauer. It almost made the Colts losing on Sunday hurt a little less. It did, however, get me out of bed after my depression set in.

I'll get over it soon enough. Just not yet.