How I imagine Taylor Swift and John Mayer's Relationship to Have Been

John Mayer- Getty Images

Some afternoons on the long ride home,  I can't help myself and listen to Taylor Swift. Her vocal range isn't ridiculous so I can sing along and remember what it felt like to be 16 driving my fun (but shitty) Cutlass Supreme and ridiculing people who listened to music like Taylor Swift makes.

And since I'm driving my mind can wander into places it shouldn't. I hear "Dear John" and I immediately imagine John Mayer and Taylor Swift's relationship. And sadly, I've probably spent more time thinking of it than either of them did. Here's what I think of when they were deciding to get together:

Inside John Mayer's head: Sure, she's only 19, but she's mature. And hot. Okay, mostly it's the hot thing. Plus we both write songs. So it's not like we have nothing in common. It'd be nice to date a musician. Who's hot.

Inside Taylor's head: He said he liked my dress. He must be into me. He's super cute and fun to work with and I haven't dated an older celebrity yet.

JM head: I like her ass. That dress is atrocious.

Maybe I'm just too concerned, but in light of John's big "revelation" today, I wanted to post. Can a 30-something dude not take a little public ribbing from a teen girl without being "kicked when he was at his lowest point"? He goes on "media silence" for TWO YEARS and this is the first shit that he brings up. two years and the first thing he wants to clear up is "Dear John". Doesn't that one action just confirm about every hunch you had about John Mayer? All of this just makes me wish he'd now go back into media silence.

Also seeing his new look makes me think he wants to get confused with Orlando Bloom. Or a child molester.