My Conversation With a Porn Star

I meet all kinds of people in
our apartment fitness center.

Here's how I know that I live in LA: I had a conversation with a porn star this morning without leaving my apartment complex. 

I was in the complex gym getting my cardio on when I noticed a short, thin very blonde woman in full make-up and false eyelashes working out. I recognized her instantly as our resident porn star. Before I get accused of making assumptions about someone based on how they look, I will back this statement up with proof beyond her looks that she works in the industry. 

Two years ago, Chef was outside on our patio very early one Sunday morning and spotted a man getting out of a Honda Accord, going to the back and peeing on the side of the road. This man was none other than the Hedgehog himself, Ron Jeremy. Ron then proceeded to greet the small blonde woman mentioned above as she exited the apartment complex with the following:

"Are you ready to ______ some ______ today?" 

I'm not really a shy person, but honestly, I think the blanks are better. You can put so many different words in there and come up with something that's probably similar to what was said. Actually, you can probably put two very innocuous words in there and it still sounds dirty. For instance "Are you ready to hug some koalas today?". Just sayin'.

Anyway, she started a conversation with me and I immediately noticed her either Russian or some other Slavic country accent. She was sporting green velour pants with a matching hoodie and a hot pink t-shirt. All of which were adorned with rhinestones spelling out various things that I didn't have time to read. She asked me if I worked out so early every day, and I said that I was actually running about 30 minutes later today than usual. 

"It's just crazy to work out this early. I mean, don't you get tired by the afternoon?"

I said that I didn't because I went immediately to work so I had to do it then. It was 7 a.m. Early, sure, but not absurdly so. 

We then chatted about the poor cell phone reception of the complex and the spotty function of the TVs in the fitness center. She was nice and I have a feeling she didn't talk to women a ton. She just gave off the impression that she was thankful for even a seemingly uneventful conversation. 

I have to say that between here, the bad ass disabled lady, the very odd screenwriter and the creepy roadie for several bands, I have met the oddest assortment of people in our complex's weight room. And I kinda like that. 

Weird Things that Have Happened At Our Apartment Lately

Our apartment is in a pretty safe part of town. It took me rolling into the unsafe areas before I realized how safe it was. Plus having a security officer here from 6 p.m. to 9 a.m. every night is a bonus, as well. And the gates and entry code system are enough to baffle in the most Native English-speaking delivery person, so I'm fairly certain they'd at least momentarily thwart a thief.

Despite the safety some weird things still happen in our or around our complex. Here are some instances that have happened lately:

• While I was gone last week, Chef spotted Ron Jeremy (yes, THAT Ron Jeremy) outside of our complex picking up a "trashy" looking blonde. He then proceeded to pee in between his Honda Civic and the car behind it while sporting some sweat pants. He then got into the car with the awaiting blonde and drove away. This was 6 a.m. on a Saturday morning.
• This morning I was jerking awake because we had our window open and an a-hole on a Harley decided that it was fine to rev his engine when he started the bike just a few feet from apartments. It was 7:15. On a Sunday. Harley drivers suck for the most part.
• And last, but not least, we were chillin' this evening and our front door flew open. A guy took two steps in before Chef glared at him and said "Excuse ME?". The guy had been drinking and was probably on his way from the pool to a friend's apartment but he got the wrong apartment. To be honest the doors don't have numbers on them, only a little placard in the outside hallway, so I've been known to hit the wrong doorway. But I've never gone in. Our doors are generally locked, but I'd been doing laundry and its hard to unlock the door with arms of clean laundry.

And that's enough to kind of shrug and say "LA" with a "whatcha gonna do about it?" attitude.