Stayin' Alive

I've been surrounded by survivors lately. Today I had a photo shoot with some survivor volunteers who are our "posterpeople" for the campaign. Yesterday, I talked on the phone with a man who was saved a week ago.

This guy was working out at a local YMCA and had a sudden cardiac arrest, where the electrical aspect of the heart shorts out and the heart stops. So he's lying on the floor, not breathing, no heart beat and a doctor and a nurse who were working out and some Y staff grab the Automated External Defibrillator and shock him back to life. The AED was placed there three years ago with the help of our organization.

It was weird to talk to someone who basically died for several minutes and woke up in a hospital. You could tell how grateful he was to be alive. It was like that part in Fight Club where Tyler Durden threatens the liquor store clerk and makes him go back to school. "Tomorrow he will experience things in a whole new way. The cereal he eats will be the best in the world because he is there to eat it. "

That's what it's like to hear survivors talk. To hear the buoyancy in their voices and the disdain they have for those who had similar experiences but don't change their lives. It's funny to listen to people talk in percentages, like "The doctor gave me a 5 percent chance of making it through the night." The lingo changes and it becomes funny to listen to them rate their procedures against others. "He ONLY had a stent. I had a stent AND a bypass."

All in all, it's pretty humbling and although it doesn't change the inner mechanisms of the organization, at least it relieves the feeling of bullshit....at least for the afternoon.

Da Pain! Da Pain!

Does anyone have any helpful hints for ingrown toe nails? I think I've got one and today it's making its presence known. Of course, I am wearing pointed toe high heel shoes, so I'm really just tempting the Gods.

I've tried using nail clippers to dig the bitch out and tried to cut it, but I may need some extra help. I hate spending time with my feet anyway.

Speaking of feet and my lack of love for them, has everyone seen that foot fungus commercial? It's an old one and now hotmail is using the animated banner of it to taunt me. It features the little fungus creature popping up the toe nail on a big toe like the hood of a car to show us all the disgusting things underneath it.

The first time I saw this, I about barfed down the front of my shirt. I'm not a big foot fan and it's mostly because my foot injuries have been incredibly painful. Nail injuries in general weird me out and I've had both my big toe nails come off at some point or another. The pain and the tenderness after one of those puppies detaches is enough to make me wince just thinking about it.

Damn those toe fungus people!!

You don't need food or shelter, you need good Christian restraint

I read an article the other day about the AIDS efforts in Africa. Yes, timely seeing as it's "Get Your Stanky Ass Tested" Month. Anyway, it pointed out that just in time for the 2004 election, Bush promised $15 billion in AIDS relief efforts. The gesture was a general feel-good move that was enough to have some people feel like "See? He doesn't just want to bomb the shit out of places that aren't America and drain them of anything that might be profitable. He cares about the AIDS babies, too."

Whatever. It was bullshit, like most political maneuvers. We're giving away about half of what we said we would (yes, it's still $7-8 billion, but my mom always told me not to let my mouth write a check that my ass couldn't cash).

Here's the big kicker: Instead of giving the money to proven non-governmental AIDS relief agencies, the Bush administration has stipulated that only efforts that promote abstinence over condom use. That's like making a cancer patient think happy thoughts to get better while we hold the medicine.

When will people realize that about 70 percent of the WORLD is NOT Christian? Since when did religion become an outright necessity for receiving US funds? The US doesn't hold back on military funding for Iraqis and we KNOW they aren't doing the sign of the cross with every dollar they get.

I thought we had a separation between church and state . Although I knew it was never really true, I liked the delusion.

After 2008, the only Bush I want to hear about is Billy Bush and I only want to see him interviewing some shitty celebrity that's "in love" and "has to tell the world."

I'm not getting a Michael Jackson Prize, either

So, he's "not guilty." Is there anyone in America that wouldn't at least have a slight hesitation if they were asked to send their kid to Neverland Day Camp?

Remember when you had that picture of Michael Jackson in the leaning on elbow pose and you thought, "He's so cool. I wanna be just like him some day." Remember seeing the Thriller video and thinking "WOW! He's always going to the greatest!" I do and it makes me sad.

Has there ever been an entertainer in the history of modern entertainment that has done more of a 360 than MJ? Yes, Elvis got fat and died on his toilet, but most people don't think of that as the first thing on their mind when they think of Elvis.

Whenever you think of Michael Jackson, you will now and forever always remember his child molestering accusations. It's not ever going away. It makes me long for the Blanket episode of South Park.

There is no award for Coolest Mother, so stop trying

I realize that a lot of mothers want to be the cool mothers. My mother was great and I loved her deeply, but never did she try to wear low rider jeans and hang out with my friends for shits and giggles. She was the mom she was supposed to be when I was in high school. Strong, authoritative, yet let me be independent.

I guess it kills me when I see those moms who want to be "hip" and be best friends with their children. The teenage years aren't for being friends. That's what the older years are for. The teenage years are for ass kicking. If you want to be a cool parent to a teenager, look the other way once or twice when the Southern Comfort isn't as full as it used to be or just yell when you find a bottle cap in the garbage disposal instead of denouncing beer.

A mother in Nashville was trying to win the cool mother award. She hired a stripper for her son's birthday. His 16th birthday. Good god. I love flying titties as much as the next person (unless the next person is a guy because I could never love them as much as a guy), but make them download internet porn or steal Playboys for that shit.

Maybe I'm just getting "unhip" in my old age.

Not so bad...

So a week ago I visited a Mapco Express (a gas station for those of you without the Mapco) and it was raining. Well, apparently rain hinders their credit card machines because theirs froze up...while in the middle of processing my payment.

Having no other forms of payment, I had to wait...for 20 minutes. Finally, I got frustrated, bought the bullet and used their in-store ATM. The ATM charged me out the ass because it was another bank and in a gas station and apparently convenience comes with a hefty $4 price tag.

I was irritated but things happen. I only became pissed when the next day I checked my bank balance to realize that they'd charged my card. I called immediately and was told that I would have to check with the cashier that took my card and hope that she remembered me. I was livid at this point. Went down there the next day at the same time as the previous purchase and was told that the cashier wasn't working that day, so to come back.

At this point, I was pissed enough to fire off an email and a phone call to the corporate offices with the store number in my possession. I have to day that they actually responded quickly and efficiently. In fact, one week later my account has been rectified and I'm the proud owner of a new $25 gift card for my troubles (which is only not good for lottery tickets. I only hope that I can find a Mapco that sells gas and donuts so I can be insured that they will take my credit card-like gift card).

See. Sometimes bitching does accomplish something.

Most places won't even guarantee 30 minutes or less anymore!

A pizza delivery guy in Florida got SHOT in the leg and continued to deliver his pizzas. How many people other than an FBI agent would get shot doing a job and keep on doing it like nothing happened?

Before people out there start saying, "He just got shot in the leg." I ask you this: Have you taken a bullet? Then shut up. It's a bullet in the leg.

Which makes me wonder, I can't seem to find a gas station attendant that cares enough to come to the register to ring me up, let alone someone who would get shot and ring me up.

A sad note, one of today's top searches on msn.com was "Natalee Holloway," the girl who went missing in Aruba. Seems like everyone is searching for her.

However, a man that was MIA is now back on it. Dave Chappelle met with Comedy Central after his trip to Africa. Apparently Africa is now the place to go to for celebrities. Dave Chappelle, Oprah, Brad Pitt. Africa is like the new rehab for celebrity sightings.

What happened to a good publicist?

There is a reason why entertainers pay other people money to help them work the media. That's because entertainers are idiots. Not all of them, mind you, but a vast majority of them, and to keep up the facade of the cool demeanor they need a barrier to prevent them from exposing their true self. Usually their true self turns out to be more like the creepy guy in the bar that thinks his charm will get him out of a DUI. Or the chick in high school that had little boobs and no brain, so to make up for it she screwed half the school...and not just the male half.

These are our celebrities. They are insane and stupid and show this in their attempts to prove that they're "just like regular people." And lately, the bumper crop of dumbass moves has been enough to keep me entertained.

Let's start with Tom Cruise. How did he think it would be a good idea to fire his publicist of years and years? The publicist that realized that the majority of Americans would not buy into a religion that incorporates aliens into their sermons. The publicist was smart enough to steer Tom away from the religious outpourings and into history as a stud. However, Tom's new publicist, who happens to be his sister and a Scientologist, is not as smart. I don't give a rat's ass what, if any, religion a person chooses to believe in. I just don't want to hear he or she spewing their beliefs at me like an evangelist. There should be a separation of church and star.

By the way, have you seen the picture of L. Ron Hubbard? It's a sexy blend of Alfred Hitchcock, Vincent Price and Hugh Hefner.


That Sexy Beast: L. Ron Hubbard.

Okay, so that leaves Britney. Just when people were starting to forget that Mr. Federline dumped his impregnated wife to go on tour and fall for Britney, she decides to make a show about it. Is anyone else feeling the freaky coincidence that Moesha (with the ex Mrs. Federline) was on UPN which is now home to the new Mrs. Federline? I would think that for Kevin the next logical step would've been to knock up one of the girls from 7th Heaven on the WB or something, but I guess he skipped a couple steps.

Anyway, the very first scene of the show had Britney saying "They look like boobs. But they're not. They're my knees!" And that was probably the least vomit-inducing thing that's been said. I actually feel a little bit sorry for the people who thought that Britney's little sex surveys wouldn't be seen by anyone. Of course, they're on UPN, so they are being seen by no one.

Okay, so Russell Crowe's a rebel. We get it. He doesn't have to hit hotel clerks when his movies suck at the box office to make that point. No other harmless hotel phones need to get hurt in the process. If a publicist had been there, he or she could've taken the punch and no one would ever have known. Or they could have at least leaked the story in a much better and less obvious manner.

What it comes down to is this: Celebrities, I beg you. Please don't be regular people. You need someone to censor you. Not everything you say or do needs to come out to the public or is worthy of publicity. Get a good publicist. Keep a good publicist.

Too Hot to Handle

Too Cold to Hold.

I spent the majority of my morning on a golf course and not in a good way. It was our annual golf tournament, which means getting up at 4:30 and moving boxes at 6 a.m. in the already hot June sun. Not exactly a good time. This year was no exception.

The only time I have felt ickier than I do after a day at these golf tournaments is the time that Swampette, She-ra and I went up to West Lafayette one muggy 4th of July to visit She-ra's now-husband. He lived with some guys in the typical bachelor apartment in the not-so-typical attic of a very large house. A very large house with absolutely no central air conditioning. It was the first moment in my life where I began sweating the moment I stepped out of the shower. Literally had a 2 second window of feeling clean. You cannot begin to pack enough underwear for an occasion like that.

Nonetheless I spent the majority of the day under a not-so-cool tent on the practice putting green taking pictures of the teams as they rode past. I was under the tent with 5 retired men and had a good time with them. In fact, it made me realize that I liked these strangers immensely more than I could stand my co-workers. In fact, when left with the option of getting out of a normal day's work or sitting at the golf course with those people, I chose to go back to work. Yeah, they're that bad.

I didn't feel too bad. About 10 minutes after I made it back to the office, a huge rain cloud opened up and the afternoon round got cancelled. Which only means that we'll regrettably have to golf another day.

On the Road Again

I wish I was as ready as Willie Nelson to get on the road again, but I'm not. Tomorrow I head to Knoxville, the home of the Orange that gives me seizures from the sight of it. I'm doing Media Training for an office there that needs some help.

Actually, it will be the first meeting there since the executive director got fired, so that'll be some nice tension to walk in to. Wonderful. Plus this is my trouble office. I consult for four offices other than my own and this is the one that doesn't seem to get it. I'm not at their beckon call. I'm just there to help them.

The bummer of it is that I will get home late, because their team meetings are at 3 p.m. on Friday. How shitty is that? Anyway, I'm going to get home late and tomorrow is Chef's birthday. Wish him a happy day tomorrow since I won't see him until later.

I just can't wait to get on the road again...

Red Puffy Eyes

And it's not from crying. It's from allergies. At least, I hope it's from allergies. I've been sneezing for the past two days non-stop. It's maddening and it's making my mascara smudge in the under-eye area. It actually looks like bags and it's nice because the people here think that I'm sick and are leaving me alone.

Why do I want to be left alone? Because I took yesterday off. I know it was already a three-day weekend, but when I woke up with puffy eyes and a grogginess that wouldn't go away, I knew I was in trouble. Chef looked over at me and said those three little letters that made sense: "P.T.O?"

Y.E.S.

Chef was off of work yesterday too, so it was nice to have a day to ourselves. I even managed to stop doing housework and moving crap for the majority of the day and enjoy myself. In fact, I even played Xbox with the man. And it was fun.

I was sitting there yesterday afternoon watching part of the worst soap on TV ("Passions") and remembering what it was like to get the summer off. I miss that. I also miss taking a day off of work and doing nothing. Just taking a day because I want to, not because I'm sick or have to travel or move. I'm going to take those more often.

Now it's back to work where I've decided to let out my emotions more fluently. The first recipient of that philosophy is currently not talking to me, but whatever. A girl came in my office looking for me and said "It was weird yesterday. It was like I was the only person who cared to work after the holiday." I looked at her and deadpanned "Yeah, that's how I feel here every day when I'm here after 4 p.m." The girl, notorious for leaving after 3:30 every day, turned red and scuttled out.

I hope more people will scuttle out of my office more often.

Don't they know...

I went to lunch with my friend the other day and she asked what my holiday weekend plans were. I told her that I was just hanging out and packing (yes, still) this weekend. When I asked her, she said she had a "big Jehovah's Witness thing with my church this weekend."

She then replied with "Don't they know it's a holiday weekend?"

Still funny a day later.

Watching Disaster from a Window

So, it's the day before a holiday and one nice perk is that we get off of work at 3:30 on days before holidays. I was actually finished with all my work for the week about 45 minutes ago and was hoping to scoot out early.

However, because of an event next Tuesday, a statue had to be moved. A moving company showed up about an hour ago to move a 600 lb statue. Unfortunately, whatever volunteer conned them into moving the statue did not tell the company that a lift gate would be needed. What does that mean? It means that they've been trying for over an hour to haul that statue onto the truck with a dolly and a ramp.

Here's the real kicker: They're parked in front of my car. I can't leave until they succeed. Damn it!

People who are More Motivated than I am

There are actually a vast number of people out there who are more motivated than I am, but I am only going to write about a couple of them that I know. Mostly because I'm 90% proud and 10% jealous.

Anyway, my friend started an online sock yarn store. She took the concept from idea to business plan to inventory and I have to say that I'm totally impressed with her. Anyone that can have an accountant and not snore through the meeting is impressive, let alone having to wade through the biblical text of commercialism to write a business plan.

So, SOCK KNITTERS COME HITHER!! There is a place for you on the web to get some great yarn at a great price. Or at least there will be in a week, but until then start bookmarking the Simply Sock Yarn Company Blog.

And since I'm in the way of making "shout outs," I want to congratulate my cosmo-swilling- "I'm never getting married" friend, Mika on her impending nuptials. She's gone to the dark side.

Speaking of dark sides, what does everyone think of the new Star Wars movie? Talk about people who are more motivated than I am. If you have a compound named after a character you created, perhaps you're doing okay. I kinda wish Lucas would go on a bender, learn to love gambling and become financially in need of doing more Star Wars. Damn him.

Where have all the young rulers gone?

So I was reading a little blurb that said on this date in 1787 that the Constitutional Congress started their convening. Of the 72 invited, only 54 showed up. Of those, only 4 were over age 60. Five were in their 20s.

If it was good enough to form the government, why isn't it good enough to sustain the government? When did running for office start entailing $1 billion campaigns? If the House of Representatives is supposed to be representative of the population, then why aren't there more people on there under 60? How about some minorities? Can we stop calling women a minority? Just because women have been treated like shit for years and years, doesn't mean we can't handle math. We know we actually out number men and there by aren't an actual minority.

If the government can enact affirmative action for private businesses, why doesn't it enact it for itself? Why can't it be mandated that there must be a representative from each age group on the ballot? If the young person is an idiot, then don't vote for him, but at least it might spark some interest in the political process. We need more choices, people.

Speaking of democracy in action, I plan on NOT watching the much talked-about American Idol finale. It's all about 'Lost' tonight.

A Call from the Governor

The new fall lineups are out and I'm pleased to announce that Arrested Development has been saved!!! I was about to hate Fox for keeping the wretched Pamela Anderson sitcom, but as long as Arrested Development stays, I'll bite my tongue.

I was looking at other new shows on this fall and although I'm not a big fan of UPN, but they are bringing Chris Rock to the small screen. He's got a new show coming out called Everybody Hates Chris. He's not really on the screen, but doing a voiceover (ala Ron Howard on Arrested, but I digress). Apparently, it's getting great reviews and how could it not? Say whatever you want, you Oscar freaks, but he was HILARIOUS and so true.

By the way, I have to admit that I watched some of the Britney Spears reality show last week. It was pretty heinous. Like watching that girl in high school that was too stupid to see that her boyfriend was sleeping with the cheerleading squad or that having a nickname of "Dog" isn't really cute as it is telling. A coincidence that the title of the show is the same as the title of her new single? Nope. All I can say is that I can't handle the truth.

I've got a case of the Mondays

I dreaded picking up my feet and walking in the door of work this morning. Not that I'm usually chipper and excited to be crossing the threshold, but most days I don't shudder in dread and agony. I think that's telling me something.

Today is just one of those days when you feel like curling up into the fetal position and crying all day. Oh, did I mention that I'm coming off a three day weekend? Nothing motivates you less than an extra day off. However, at least another three day weekend is lurking in the wings.

Anyway, have you ever gotten to where you weren't really into your work. I know that in reality the majority of us could care less about our day jobs, but there is a noticeable change in attitude and appearance when apathy is involved. Like the time it takes you to return phone calls doubles. Perhaps not noticeable to others, but noticeable to you.

Ugh. Only four more days until another three day weekend. Thank you, Memorial Day.

Friends Don't Die, they just get memorialized on a pick-up truck

Has anyone else noticed the trend of putting a memorial to a loved on the back windshield of cars? It's nice that you remember Bobby Jay's death on May 20, 2003 and that he was born on Febtober 12, 1980, but does the world need to be bummed out?

What really gets me is that the person being memorialized usually died from a car accident. Isn't that taunting? It's not like naming a cancer treatment center after a cancer victim, because the treatment center is designed to help people. The memorial decals are causing people, like me, to stop and read them. Thereby altering our driving habits and making us more susceptible to accidents. And then the memorial decal cycle begins again.



CASE IN POINT: Man sits in the bed of his truck after placing a memorial decal on the rear window. Man has turned his truck into a memorial in memory of Carl Lanham, a friend who died in a traffic accident. Photo by John Dunham, Courtesy of the Owensboro Messenger Inquirer

How to Die a Little Every Day in Birmingham without even trying

There's something to be said about going to a work function and wanting nothing more than to have a different job. There's also the realization that three days of your life are being sucked away on what could essentially be accomplished on a conference call. Here are some notable highlights:

• Being told by boss's boss that I need to doctor a picture being sent to the press during a break from ethics training. Nothing like defrauding the media to make you feel ethical.
• Learning about Diversity in a town not especially known for its tolerance. I'm sitting with a group that refers to people as "the gays" and thinking about nothing other than church bombing, race riots and segregation. Perhaps a day trip to the Civil Rights Museum would have been more effective.
• Listening to a motivational speaker who only motivates you to brainstorm other places that you could work that don't bring in motivational speakers.
  
• Being lectured on healthcare and the lack of insurance coverage of certain medical tests by a co-worker and realizing that your own company's insurance wouldn't cover those tests either.

Oh the joys of the business trip, where the place you stay is determined by the free breakfast offerings and the days stretch deep into the night with free dinners that aren't actually free, because they steal your soul.

It's nice to be back.

Happy Birthday Pill!

On May 9, 1960, the FDA approved the birth control pill. The pill has not done nearly what people predicted it would do. It hasn't eradicated overpopulation. It hasn't done away with unwanted pregnancies. In fact, here's a frightening thought for all you out there. Fifty percent of today's pregnancies are still unplanned.

However, the number of unplanned pregnancies prevented by the pill cannot be measured. Still, 45 years after it came on the market, there are still controversies that surround the pill. Pharmacists are refusing to fill prescriptions to the pill because it goes against their morals and religious views. One pharmacist in Wisconsin even refused to give the woman her prescription back or transfer it to another pharmacy. Good thing condoms are over the counter.

It was bound to happen eventually. The market was clamoring for a better contraceptive. Within the first two years after the pill was released, more than 1.2 million women had a prescription for it. Eight years after it's release, there were more than 12 million women on the pill. Today it's estimated that more than 80 percent of all women have been on or are on the pill in their life. That's a lot of pills.

On another note, a co-worker of mine asked another co-worker if we, in Nashville, were North or South of Birmingham, Al. Apparently knowledge of geography was not a requirement for the job.



Quiz: Is Alabama North or South of Tennessee?

Goin' Down to South Park

It's Friday, which means that there's probably more than a little time to surf the web. Yesterday, I found this great site that lets you design yourself as a South Park character. You just pick your hair, skin, etc and VOILA! You look like you should be killing Kenny. It's fun. Check it out. Once you've done yours send it to me. I want to see what the group looks like in crappy animation.



Me as a South Park character.

Other than that, I'm gearing up to go to Alabama. Woo hoo! I'm in Birmingham from Tuesday to Thursday. I'd almost rather be going to Atlanta. We've had our meetings in Birmingham for three or four times in a row. I think I've seen all I need to see now. There's not much left to look at. My friend's husband and family runs the amusement park down there, but dammit, it won't be open. This sucks. Any Birmingham suggestions out there?

Financial Advising

It's one thing to know that you don't make the most money in the world. It's another thing to have someone else look at you and tell you that.

I went to see a financial advisor today. Why? Because during my free lunchin' a couple of weeks ago, the advisor sounded optimistic and helpful and I thought... hey? What could be the worst thing that could happen?

I went to my appointment fully expecting to see my lunch-guru only to find out he had gone back to Georgia a few weeks earlier. This made me upset for two reasons: 1) The reason I even signed up for financial planning was because the guy had a degree in English. Yes, I know that seems weird, but he had moved to Colorado to work for an environmental group and ski. It was there that he started e-trading to start working less and skiing more. I like the idea of having a hippie- who-knows-finances handle my account. 2) I was pissed that I had made the appointment about three weeks before and no one there told me that the guy had left or even called to reschedule my appointment. Something.

So, today I went and found out that I don't make enough money for them to normally be concerned with. Half of me thought this could actually be true. I began to wonder where people like me go for financial help, aside from their parents. This could be a lucrative business if someone wanted to start it. A financial advising firm that would NOT be a debt-consolidation firm, but some that would genuinely help those in the in-between stages of their life.

Anyway, half of me bought it. The other half of me thought it was a great sales pitch for the advisor to make me feel special. Like he was going to go over my finances for free and out of the goodness of his heart.

However, the idea of taking control and saving money is something that I like and would like to do more of. Dammit, I want to get to Europe and get a new car without having to go on The Price is Right. Is that too much to ask?

I'm a Bitch

We've had a bunch of new people start recently at work. Some of them permanent, some of them temporary, but the one thing they all have in common is that I'm not nice to them.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not mean to them. I'm more indifferent in nature. We've had so many temps and so many people that don't stay very long, I almost make a new employee prove their longevity before I'll waste my time in getting to know them. Selfish? Yes. Effective? Yes.

Since I've been here, a mere four years, we have more than 32 employees leave their positions in this office. There are only 30 people in this office. So in theory, that means that every position in here has been changed in less than four years. Of course, in actuality some positions have been turned over a couple times, but you get my drift. There is no reason that at age 26 I should be the 5th most senior person on our staff.

Non-profit work is decidedly fickle. There are people that think the moral superiority of working for a cause will outweigh the discrepancies in pay between non-profit and for-profit jobs. They last as long as their enthusiasm and transmissions (or other costly item) hold out. Double or even triple that length of time for people who have a spouse that makes more than they do and there are no kids involved. Usually once a child pops out, the money becomes an issue again.

There are also people that are used to working for large corporations for years and years and plan on using non-profit work to transistion them into retirement. This works until they realize they only get reimbursed $50 on their $500 cell phone bill. Or they have to go through 20-year olds to have their expense reports approved.

And lastly, there are the right from college kids who get a job working for a non-profit before heading into the more lucrative field of pharmaceutical sales. They use the sales experience to build their resume and medical contacts before moving on.

Of course there are people that break all of those molds. That's me. I'm the one who's too lazy to leave.

Not the Shitty Shrimp!

Have you ever had one of those days when you just can't seem to get out of a bad mood? I've tried all my usual remedies:

• chocolate (do Pop-Tarts count?)
• looking at people who've got it worse (which quite honestly was most of America, if I were to be truthful)
• remembering that work sucks for everyone and that there's no need to get stressed about something that just plain sucks
• punching and throwing things in an empty room to release the frustration
• hugging a friend until it gets awkward

The only things I haven't tried are drugs, liquor and the batting cages. I must try at least one of those when I get home.

Anyway, I wanted to take a second to introduce something that's actually good, easy and won't bitch to you. Igive is a web site that gives money to charity for shopping. I've sent out an email about this, but I wanted to spread the word a little more. You sign up, pick a charity and just remember to use the Igive home page to get to all the places you'd normally shop. There are about 300 online stores on there including Barnes & Noble, Circuit City, Amazon, Lands' End, Gap and on and on.

You click the link from the Igive page and when you purchase something you would've bought anyway, the vendor will donate a percentage of your purchase to your chosen charity. You don't pay anything additional at all! I did most of my Christmas shopping this way and earned more than $30 for my charity just on that.

What charity?, you ask. Not the one you probably think. A friend of mine and her husband in Nashville had two children within 2 years of each other. Both of the children were born with the same congenital heart disease and both of the children did not live past 10 months. Well, Carisa (my friend) set up an organization, the Kaylen Foundation, that raises money for children's heart research and also gives car packages to families who have children that are at Vanderbilt's Children's Hospital. It's a great cause, and if you don't have a participating charity at Igive, feel free to click here and sign up to raise money for the Kaylen Foundation.

Okay, I'm starting to feel better already. Maybe it'll just take a beer and a kiss to get me better instead of the black tar heroin I was planning on.

Needlework Nooners

There are many joys to dating Chef and he's added many things to my life. The one thing that is lower on the list, but still notable, is the abundance of Internet clips and photos that float into my inbox. I think it must be a guy thing because it seems like these web sites were tailored to the dirty of mind and strong of stomach.

Anyway, the funniest thing that he's tossed my way lately has been a web site for a very ingenious and entrepreneurial girl. She's taken her love of her needlework and her vagina to a new level. For a small price, she will crochet a vagina for you. It can be with or without pubic hair (without shaves a dollar off the price) and with or without a clitoris (with stimulates a dollar increase in the price).

While many would wonder why one would want to own a crocheted crotch, I find myself enthralled with this businesswoman. Her idea is certainly more creative than anything the Apprentice candidates came up with for the clutter challenge (Wow. A big revolving desk caddy. How unique.) Plus she's marketing this herself on the net and it made it's way to my inbox and now on to you.

Enjoy the Needleworked Nooner!

Stuck in the Middle With You

Have you ever been in a room full of people who do your job but for another company? Yesterday I was and it was hell on heels. My limited, yet insightful experience within the world of PR has taught me that for the most part, I hate PR people. They're the overachieving, always needing attention and yet slightly alienated people that you sat next to in high school. Yes, I realize that that could technically describe me, but these people have two things that I utterly lack: genuine enthusiasm and self-awareness.

The particular PR person I was annoyed by and actually spent most of my time avoiding was from one of the hospitals in the system of hospitals that sponsored this event. She was supposed to be at the event in a volunteer capacity showing people the health screening areas and things of that nature. She is the type of woman that could make walking look uncomfortable and hazardous in sensible, square-heeled shoes, yet chose to push the limits of gravity in her stilettos.

Instead of doing her volunteer job, the media whore got between me and the TV crew that I summoned to the event and tried to be a spokesperson. Luckily I knew the camera guy and therefore told him if he used any of the footage with her in it, there would be no more free lunches in his future. Instead, he used the chairs of the event in his story, as I requested.

Media Whore then proceeded to follow me around and ask me what other media outlets were going to be there. After running down the list, she told me she would have gotten more. I could have listed every media outlet in Nashville and she still would have insisted she could've done a better job. My boss, who was in from Atlanta to "observe me" during the event, was kind enough to run some interference for me.

Nonetheless the event is over and I have no more organized events until October. It's totally time for a vacation.

Sanding is the death of me

So, perhaps I underestimated the time it would take to fully modify the walls in Chef's (and my) apartment. When I told Chef that I wanted to have the kitchen's wallpaper removed and the bathroom's walls spackled, sanded and primed by dinner on Saturday night, he rightly told me I was kidding. I set off in a huff to prove him wrong and dammit, if he wasn't right. I had VASTLY underestimated the crappy, crackly conditions of the walls in the bathroom.

So, with a rejuvenated heart, I woke on Sunday to start sanding again. About an inch of dust later, I was in tears. Frustrated and bitchy, Chef finally cheered me up and convinced me to get back at it. So, I FINALLY got the sanding done and then two coats of primer. In between the coats, Chef taught me how to make really good Chicken Parmesan. He's an excellent teacher, but I have to admit to getting really nervous when he's in the kitchen. It makes me do stupid things.
Anyway, the bathroom's primed and except for areas behind the fridge and stove, the wallpaper's all gone. It's starting to look normal and I love it. I'm going to love it even more when it's all done.

On another note, I felt very much like Winnie the Pooh on Friday because it was a blustery day here. Sunny, but cold and windy. I was driving along this fairly busy street and when I passed a Mexican restaurant on my right, one of their giant rainbow-colored umbrellas came over the fence and rolled right into my car. Luckily, I got hit by the umbrella end and not the giant metal pole. Cam came out unscathed, but there was a parked car that wasn't as lucky. This was the SECOND of two umbrellas that came flying over the fence from that restaurant. All I have to say is SAND OR CONCRETE BASES, PEOPLE!!

This morning people were on high alert in our office. The VP of HR from our main office showed up unannounced. At least, unannounced to most of us. This usually happens when someone is going to be fired, so everyone was on their toes. Come to find out, he's here to interview people for a position that has no immediate boss right not to do the interviews. Nothing like a crap scare first thing on a Monday morning.

Bye Bye Bren, Hello Backstreet

Dammit. Bren was the only one on The Apprentice that I actually kind of liked. He was a smartass, not afraid to smoke and I just had a feeling that he could kick it into gear when it was time. Unfortunately, the latter was not the case. The boy was smart, but not at all creative and that's what did him in. Well, that's not entirely true. Alex is the same way but he just had more fight left in him.

I mean, did you SEE the design for the "clutter reducing" thing? It takes your desk clutter and just moves it to another desk. The other design wasn't all that innovative either, but at least it was smaller.

Is anyone else sick of Craig?? He's not that hardworking, not that smart and has subsequently avoided the ax by not doing much of anything. I'm actually not impressed with any of these people. Apparently the Donald is covering his butt too because he just gave the original apprentice, Bill Rancic, a contract extension.

Speaking of clutter, the Backstreet Boys are back and cluttering my mind again. I used to agonize over the grammatical errors in their songs (tragical....really?) and the impossibilities of their sentences. They're back and although the lyrics aren't much better, I can say that the new song, 'Incomplete,' does not really include any harmonies. That's right. In an attempt to dispel the myth that boy bands are all slick and no substance, the Boys made sure that none of them sing together at the same time. Was this because they all can't stand Nick and so he's forced to record his parts without anyone else present? If no one sings together, plays music together or records together, can they still be called a group?

Which leads me to a question that has often disturbed me. The thing where guys go to a movie together but they leave a seat in between them as to avoid the whole homosexual inference that apparently sitting next to each other would cause. If the guys show up the movie in separate cars, sit with seats in between them and leave separately, did they really see a movie together or separately?

A Day with Frickin' Idiots

If there ever comes a time when you start to gain respect and admiration for the people you work with, nothing will kill that quicker than a day of computer software training. For the first hour or so of dumbass questions, I try to picture my co-workers as my mom. Not in the literal sense, but in that "Picture the annoying old lady driving in front of you as your wonderful grandma" kind of way. My mom was a smart lady, but not the quickest when it came to technology.

That works for about an hour, but when it dawns on you that their stupidity is going to necessitate you being in class longer, it starts to piss you off. The questions. Oh the questions. The instructor would go over something clearly and then one them would ask the same question because they were too busy talking to pay attention.

Yes, I was a dork in class, but people talking in class didn't mean that the bell was going to ring any later. Them talking in training means that my ass has to sit for another HOUR before the lunch break. All the "cute" smiley face magnets and chocolate treats given to you like a dog when you do well is not enough to push back my sandwich, dammit.

On another note, the bitchy Alex and Lynn were FINALLY booted from The Amazing Race. In their exit interview they talked all about how they were really in it for the experience and that they met so many friends on the trip. Friends they talked shit about and totally screwed over in a race for Sixth place. Anyone that says they're so desperate for a skin care regimen that they'd DRINK toner is clearly not going to be comfortable traveling to foreign countries.

I'm also totally over the old people, Meredith and Gretchen. Gretchen is starting to sound like a 12 year-old boy and her climbing into the elephant was enough to make Chef stop the TiVo and marvel at her stupidity. They got the "bad elephant," the "slow camel," and the "bad taxi" and yet still didn't get booted.

Oh well. At least Lost is on tonight.

We have a Pope, but not a good cell phone plan

And he's a Kraut. Dammit. I was actually hoping to see the African cardinal get elected. Instead there's John Paul's confidant, Pope Benedict XVI. Isn't it weird that this guy goes his whole life by one name and all of a sudden he picks a completely different name? It's like if we made all of our president's decided between the names John, George, Thomas and William. Nonetheless, if you're curious about the various names, check out this google answer. What's even scarier is the person who predicted the next pope's name "according to the prophecy" back in like September. Weird.


So after years of loyalty and being crapped on, I'm totally switching cell providers. I think me and Chef are going to get a joint account to save some money and call each other for free. Plus we'd both get snazzy new phones and my analog piece of crap is ready to be pitched. We're still up in the air about where we're going to go, so take the survey and leave a comment. I'd love to know what you all think of your cell provider.

Which cell phone service provider do you prefer? Cingular (AT &T)SprintT mobileVerizonOther View Results

Perforating, spraying, stripping

Chef and I actually went out and did stuff this weekend. It was one of those weekends where you don't really have much planned, but you end up tripping into stuff that needs to be done. Like those times you run into Best Buy or Circuit City or CompUSA with the intent to buy a part or adapter and you end up dropping way more money.

That was yesterday. Trying to set up the TiVo at Chef's place, which will soon be Chef's and my place, we discovered a need for an Ethernet to USB adapter. Of course, when going to buy one, we discovered that a wireless network was on SUPER sale and were soon sucked into the world of being technologically advanced. Mind you that up until now, I've been working with dial-up Internet and that I only got cable a little over a year ago, but whatever. Anyway, now we're hooked up and Tito the TiVo is running nicely.

However, in a back alley handshake deal, the TiVo only came over in exchange for some minor renovations. You see, Chef's apartment is spacious, well-lit, in a FABULOUS location and a great deal BUT there's a little matter of some wallpaper. The outer bathroom area was slathered in full-on pink tulips circa 1987. The kitchen is navy, metallic stripe-tastic. So with a "I'm not going to get my deposit back anyway" attitude, Chef gave me permission to strip the wallpaper and paint it something more neutral.

So, with solvent, perforator and scraper in hand, I got the majority of the bathroom done yesterday. Now, says Chef, we're living in a crackhouse. There my baby's crackhouse.

Britney: Not Fat, Just Pregnant

Okay, Britney,you're an idiot. We get it. A couple weeks ago she goes on rant about the tabloids and their false reporting. She rips them a new one for spreading fallacies and even compares them to People magazine (which isn't great reporting or great writing, by the way. Have you ever noticed that it takes like 5 correspondents to put together a 1000 word article?). Anyway, the point is she berated them for reporting something CORRECTLY.

Turns out, dear girl Spears, is actually pregnant. Fine. Be pregnant. But why are you cursing the tabloids for actually reporting something right for a change. It didn't really buy her any more time. But I guess since she waited an extra week, it'll be better coverage for her TV show.

By the way, that damn Barry Gibbs Talk Show theme is STILL stuck in my head. That was almost funnier than watching Justin Timberlake cry during the first season of Punk'd. Actually is WAS funnier.

Free lunch

I've gotten into the habit of taking plenty of business cards with me when I go out. They printed me 500 when I first started and more than a year into my job and I'm only halfway through them. Of course, then it was decided that I had to have additional business cards made with the logo of our other subset association. It was too cost-efficient, I guess, to make a business card design with BOTH logos on it.

Now that makes 500 more that I have to pawn off on unsuspecting people. About 750 business cards that I make sure to take wherever I go. Not to network, make introductions or even use as scratchpaper for other people's phone numbers. I take my cards so that I can leave them in the varied fishbowls of drawings that nearly every place has for its business lunch customers. It's been my sole ambition to win as many free lunches for me (and some times up to 10 of my friends) as humanly possible.

Sure, there really is no such thing as a free lunch. To get the fruits of my card droppings, I usually have to pick something up or listen to a short selling spiel. My favorite prize includes the gift certificate giveaway. They usually add your email to the mailing list, but it's easy to unsubscribe. However, in my 18 months of droppings I've gotten free lunches on three occasions for a total of 10 people.

That's an estimated value of about $100. Not too bad a return on investment considering my company only paid about $60 total for my business cards. The company gets something out of it too. First of all, I usually take a bunch of my co-workers with me, so they get back some happy employees. Secondly, I've freed up a bit (albeit small amount) of extra money that makes me not curse the bit (albeit small) amount of money they pay me.

Overall, it's a win-win situation and if you've got some extra business cards, I highly suggest taking a few to drop them in the fishbowl. A belly-full of free food and one less business card to get rid of.

On a side note, because of Schultz's damn mention of The Barry Gibbs Talk Show, Chef and I have been singing that damn theme song all day. Chef is convinced that it was the lingering catchiness of the theme song that convinced Lorne Michaels to put it on the air. So, if anyone knows where we can find an online clip or downloaded a clip of it, let me know.

Talkin' bout crazy gold medallions.

No Mo Drama

There's something to be said for not living near your family. It's amazing that just a few hours of driving spares me the numerous stories and gossip from the family. Also it gives me a reprieve from the grandma that thinks I'm a 32 year-old "funny girl." If you're living anywhere near the epicenter of your family fault line, I highly suggest sidestepping the guilt and giving yourself a little bit of distance. Getting a break from the daily drama and chaos that comes with family is well worth having to drive a couple of times a year to visit.

On another note, was it just me or did Saturday Night Live seem to feature less Cameron Diaz and more Jimmy Fallon? I'm not complaining because I don't think Cameron Diaz is hot or funny, but I'm just saying. She kinda got dicked on that deal. Even Justin got more laughs and screen time than she did.

The Definition of Self-Serving

A Tennessee State Senator named John Ford went to court a couple months ago to seek reduced child support payments under the protection of a new law giving leniency to parents of multiple children. All in all not that bad of a story until you consider that he's seeking protection under a law that HE SPONSORED. Here's the deal:

1. He lives part-time with his ex-wife and their two kids (another one on the way).
2. He lives part-time with his girlfriend and their two kids.
3. He's seeking relief from payments to his second girlfriend for their kid.

I can understand why he took about $1.1 million to help pay for his oldest daughter's wedding.

On another note, in the land of fake names, "Ron Mexico" is being sued for giving a woman he slept with Herpes Simplex 2. "Ron Mexico" is actually Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, who was just re-signed with them for like $130 million. The Falcons even said that they wanted him as a franchise player because of his clean image. It only makes me more thankful for John Belgium. I mean Peyton Manning.

Josh Gracin went to Church Street Station

Tonight I had to emcee a little bit of the country music event at a country club. The local sportscaster that had been roped into emceeing the day before was too nice to make stay an extra hour to say two lines. So, anyway, I had to thank the musician and introduce the ending of the silent auction.

The artist was an American Idol reject that had found his way to Nashville and I have to say that his voice was pretty damn good. However, his name was too damn hard to say. It's Josh Gracin. Like Grace-in. You go ahead and say it three times and see how great you sound. I had to overannunciate to get it done. Nonetheless I felt like I was trying to spit out Church Street Station.

Chef was nice enough to accompany me to this event. He got to see the true joy of taking rich people's pictures for society pages and making sure a local sportscaster is happy. Thank God he was there to help break up my long stretches of ass-kissing.

Passed Over?

I was in Walgreen's the other day buying drastically discounted Easter candy. Easter candy is my favorite of all holiday-oriented candy. It doesn't include anything nasty like circus peanuts (Halloween) or peanut brittle (Christmas). The candy itself is all stellar: jelly beans, chocolate, chicks & ducks Sweettarts. Plus it has the added bonus of being adorned in all of the best and brightest pastel colors.

Anyway, I was in Walgreen's buying my after-Easter candy and the clerks were in the process of moving it from the "Seasonal" aisle to the discount shopping cart abyss. One of the clerks was said that she had put the Passover items on sale that morning and the other clerk told her to take them off of the sale because Passover hadn't happened yet. The following dialogue follows their resulting conversation:

Clerk A: But I thought Passover was always when Easter was?
Clerk B: No, Passover and Easter are two different holidays. Passover usually happens near Easter though.
A: Oh. What religion celebrates Passover anyway?
B: I don't know. Muslim, I think? Somewhere in the Middle East. I can't remember.
A: Easter was so early this year.

(Long pause as the two continue to pull candy from the shelves and I try to quickly find the Sweettarts, but to no avail).

B: How come Easter always moves like it does? I mean, how can they just pick when Jesus's birthday is? I wish I could just pick a day for my birthday.
A: I never thought about that. That's so right. I wish I could pick a day for my birthday. I'd always pick like Memorial Day or Labor Day, because then I'd have a three-day weekend for my birthday.
B: Yeah, that'd be nice. I guess you have to be the son of God to have your birthday move around like that.

(At this point imagine me in the aisle trying hard not to laugh and really wishing I could find the candy that I wanted).

B: Wait. If Easter is Jesus's birthday, then what's Christmas?
A: Oh yeah. Hmmm.

Just when I think the South is so clearly the Bible Belt, I hear something like that and realize that I know more atheists and agnostics that know more about Passover, Easter and religion in general than these two. Perhaps the Gospel was spread too thin by the time it got to them.

Moisturizing My Situation

So, has anyone else seen the new Pro Activ commercial featuring P. Diddy? Remember the days when Pro Activ was only being hawked by Judith Light? Now everyone from Vanessa Williams to Jessica Simpson is getting in on the deal. Anyway, P. Diddy's commercial included some pretty funny quotes, such as "I'll be straight up: I didn't want no bumps on my face."

Who can argue with that? No one really wants bumps on their face and I appreciate his honesty in being "straight up" with me.

Next he advocated Pro Activ because he was "moisturizing my situation. I need it to help preserve the sexy." Now I have no earthly idea why a "situation" might need to be moisturized. I don't know what situation would cause for moisturization on a dire level other than a drought, but that's just me. However, I think we can all relate to wanting to "preserve the sexy." My sexy needs a lot of attention for its preservation, but I think that outcome is well worth it.

Lastly, the most irritating thing was the lack of correct pronunciation. This man is a self-proclaimed media mogul and yet he can't seem to pronounce the "th" on the end of thing. Here's an example: "Pro Activ helped smoov it out. It's worf a try." If this was a lisp or some sort of speech impediment, I'd let it go. But I'm fairly certain the affectation is concocted to provide some sort of image.

However, isn't the tough yet pampered image gone by now? Aren't we back around to the grunge days when no one was using hair product or deodorant to prove their devotion to their music?

I gotta go preserve my sexy.

Half-Ass Racket

Why is it that every other company that serves the public not only tries to gain new customers, but also tries to serve their existing costumer, while cell phone companies only try to gain new customers?

It really pisses me off that cell phone providers dick their customers. Take my cell phone company, Sprint. I've been with them for more than 5 years and what do I get for my loyalty? Jack shit. They have yet to lower their rates for existing customers, but feel free to offer new customers their Fair & Flexible plan, more minute for less money and lower costs for their wireless web access.

However, what really pisses me off is the racket they pull when you want a new phone. For five years, I've only gotten one phone directly from Sprint. The other two have been second hand phones. The first phone cost me about $80 and was totally analog.

While new customers get $150 worth of INSTANT rebates, the existing customers are forced to pay upwards of $200 for a phone that holds a charge longer than 5 minutes. I know that Sprint doesn't offer a phone for less than $149 and none of them without a camera phone. What's up with that shit? What happened to the no-frills solid and sturdy economy phone?

I'm probably most upset at their new attempt not to dick old customers that really is just another way to dick old customers. They claim that they will offer their existing clients up to $150 in rebates towards a new phone. First of all, the rebates are mail-in meaning you have to pay the money up front. Secondly, I had no purchased a new phone in 5 years from Sprint, yet they made me wait more than 6 months into the program before I was eligible. I was eligible for the month of January and since I didn't take advantage in January, I then was told I was not eligible again until September. Meaning I had a total wait time of 15 months if I want to get a new phone from Sprint. Total craptasticness.

Anyway, if you have a cell phone provider that values its customers, let me know. I'd happily switch and take advantage of getting a new free phone and a great cheap-ass plan.

A Limerick for the Ages (Updated)

Here's a poem, a limerick actually, for you to enjoy:

There once was a girl in Nashville
Who was feeling rather ill
She went to the doctor
What he said shocked her
What wasn't working? The Pill.

Author's Note: Please take a look at the date of this entry. If you think that I would tell my friends and family that I was knocked up with a blog entry, then you really don't know me at all. I would at least do a mass email.

We Know the Answer: It was the Chick

The question: Which died first? The chick or the pope? I think everyone's heart goes out to the family because Terry Schiavo died, but they lost her 15 years ago. If removing the feeding tube is so cruel because she can feel the starvation then how is keeping her alive to continue having the heart attacks and strokes she's been having not cruel? If she can feel one thing, she can feel it all. That's all I'm saying.

It's hard to lose someone. We all know that. But I have to think that no matter how important I may consider myself in my egotistical mind, I would never want my family making national news on a nightly basis for nearly three weeks because they didn't want to mourn.

However, now feeding tubes are becoming all the rage. The pope has one and Terry's family wanted one. Soon all models everywhere will be receiving their nutrition and champagne supplies through the thin tube going up their noses. Is that an iPod headphone wire on your face? No, it's my lunch.

Speaking of eating, I now come to Britney Spears. One would think that the lack of music, paraphernalia, acting gigs, TV appearances and all that would have curtailed her publicity. But when all else fails, send a letter to the media. Good God. Britney leave the writing to the professionals. The tabloids might be telling lies, but at least they can turn a phrase and do it entertainingly.

One thing that's not so cool was the headline that one major international news service used for the story. "Britney not pregnant, just fat." Ouch. That's what happens when you try and get publicity without the help of professionals.

Digging In Deeper

How many people are reaping what they've sown? A buttload. This State Senator from Memphis, John Ford, is being investigated for using lobbyists' money for personal use, such as paying for his daughter's wedding. I know that weddings are expensive, but he could've whored it out like Star Jones. Just get some corporate sponsorship, start a web site and give everything back at the end. Here's the big kicker: Star Jones had TWO wedding gowns. One for the ceremony and one for the reception--both of which were strapless. I can't find more than one BRA at a time that fits, let alone TWO wedding dresses that need a STRAPLESS bra to fit my big ass. I'm just saying.

Anyway, come to find out that John Ford not only used lobbyists money for that, but also tried to get some lobbyist money for his defense team. Uh hello? Isn't that what had your ass in front of the ethics committee in the first place? Gas on the fire, my friend. Man needs a publicist more than Michael Jackson, because no amount of good press is going to help Michael now.

On another note, last night's Amazing Race two-parter rocked. I've fallen for the racing brothers. Despite the fact that Brian claims to be an actor/bartender and I'm still pissed that nearly ALL of the contestants from last season were "actors," I still like the pair. They're funny, pretty smart and haven't garnered any snarls from Lynn and Alex (those catty bitches). I'm still a fan of Rob & Amber, but I'm now leaning more for the boys.

I was ECSTATIC that the brothers beat Ray & Deana in the foot race last night. That couple was a more whining "Jonathan & Victoria"-lite. The Diet Coke of annoying Amazing Racers. Just one brain. Not quite bitchy enough. After coming in first in the previous leg (only because of a Fast Forward), they finally met their demise.

Between politics, Michael Jackson and Reality TV, reaping the crap crop has been entertaining this week.

Things that Piss Me Off

There are many things that make me happy, but for some reason, today I want to focus on the things that make me unhappy. Perhaps it's the weather, a kind of blended gray that reminds me of Indiana winters, but I'm feeling like listing the things that piss me off. Feel free to add your own.

1. People who say 'no' when they don't have the power to say 'yes.'
2. The underwire in your bra that scrapes the back of your arm all day at work.
3. People who correct other people's writing, but their "corrections" are wrong. And you're the one with an editing background. They have a background in Home Ec.
4. People who are still talking as you're walking away.
5. Walking on muddy ground with heels that sink easily.
6. People with enthusiasm for something you could give two shits about, but make you pretend nonetheless. (However, this one could me, so sometimes I piss myself off).
7. People who manage to mispronounce a last name with four letters.
8. People at your work who manage to not only mispronounce but also misspell a name with only four letters when you've worked there for four years.
9. People who are always demanding immediate reaction from others, but do not give immediate reaction in return.
10. Having to ask three times for something and getting no response.
11. Having a spam to actual email ratio of 10 to 1.
12. People who talk about sex at work...loudly.
13. When someone says "I like your (insert hair, outfit, jewelry or other appearance-related item here) to you every time they see you. Sometimes you look like shit and you know it.
14. When people give excuses about why they can't do something before they even try.

I'm sure I'll come up with more later, but for now these are the most plaguing. It feels better just to get them out. Now I can look forward to a week of new '24,' 'Gilmore Girls' and 'Lost.'

A Cop With a Sense of Humor?

Yesterday I was driving and noticed a cop that ran a light and then was talking on his cell phone. I was about to get pissed until I noticed something in his back window. He had a full-size cut out of Cartman wearing his cop gear in the back window. I then respected his authoritay.

A Desperate Plea

I don't remember why I started or what made me continue, but I watch Arrested Development on Fox every week. Actually, come to think of it, I think I started watching because Jason Bateman was on it and I love that crazy Teen Wolf. Yes, I know that Michael J. Fox was the original, but you might recall that Jason Bateman was in the sequel, Teen Wolf Too.

Nonetheless I started watching Arrested Development and soon became addicted to its continuing storylines and all out hilarity. Apparently great comedy isn't enjoyed by everyone because Fox is starting to crap all over it. First they take it off the air for a couple weeks of very special shitty shows and then they only order half of the episodes that they should to finish out the season.

If you haven't seen an episode, I highly suggest renting them on a weekend. It only takes a couple to become enamored with the Bluth family. If you're one of my friends, then I'll even loan you my complete first season on DVD to save you the trouble of renting. It'll be like Blockbuster online, except that I won't pay for you to send them back to me.

Then when you're nice and attached to saying "NO TOUCHING!" or "Daddy horny," go to this website and sign the petition to save Arrested Development. If not, I'll be relegated to watching fuzzy Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen movies or reruns of The Simpsons.

THERE'S ALWAYS MONEY IN THE BANANA STAND, dammit. I just wish Fox would realize it!

Living in sin is against the law?

I used to be a big believer in not living with someone before I was married. No, it wasn't a big religious thing. It was an independence thing. I wanted to make sure that I could support myself on my own and not have to rely on anyone for help. However, after about 5 years I think the point has been made. I'm not going to starve or go homeless on my own. Woo hoo.

So, my thinking on living together before marriage has changed. However, come to find out that some states haven't changed their thinking at all. If I ever live with someone and move to Florida, Michigan, Mississippi, North Carolina, North Dakota, Virginia or West Virginia, I will actually be breaking the law. That's right. It's against the law to "cohabitate" in these states.

One might argue that many states have old ass laws that bar crazy and seemingly common thing. That's a good point. Another point would be that North Dakota just upheld its law which made living together a sex crime. Another ridiculous notion because everyone knows that once you live together there is no sex. Would they make you register as a sex crime offender?

Sure they never really enforce the law, but if it were my senator, I'd be pissed if he or she voted for it. Of course, my senator also looks me in the eye and votes against heart-healthy issues and then shows up to host a heart-related fundraiser and begins her speech with "As a big supporter of heart-health...."

Anyway, if it's illegal for couples to live together in these states, do they not recognize common law marriages? One would think that common law marriages would be the bread and butter of West Virginia, but I guess not. Or do they recognize common law marriages as a way of making those who've been living in sin moral?

Who knows? If you want to learn more about common law marriage, click here. It's apparently dying out and not legal in very many states (including Indiana and Tennessee--I'm just saying).

Here's where it is legal:
Alabama
Colorado
District of Columbia
Georgia (if created before 1/97)
Idaho (if created before 1/96)
Iowa
Kansas
Montana
New Hampshire (for inheritance purposes only)
Ohio (if created before 10/91)
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania (if created before 9/03)
Rhode Island
South Carolina
Texas
Utah

Anyway, if you're shacking up or planning to, make sure you're breaking the law. If you're going to do it, you might as well piss off the Christian right and make a day of it.

Rampages are so 5 years ago

Okay, so the school shooting in Minnesota is a sad, sad event, but did anyone else notice that there has been only one picture of the kid released and it was when he was 8 years old? Perhaps the kid was on to something with his feelings of not being loved if no one bothered to take his picture in the last 8 years?!?!?! I'd feel pretty pissed and want to be a Nazi too, because at least the Nazis take pictures for their ID cards.

I thought that school shootings were passe, but I guess not. I figured once Marilyn Manson was blamed, Michael Moore did a documentary on it and the very special anniversary programs for the Columbine shooting aired that kids would realize that shooting up their classmates in a rampage wasn't the cool thing to do anymore.

Let me talk to those who still have angst:
Haven't you seen any number of high school high-jinx movies out there? The cool way to get back at classmates for picking on you is to get pictures of them naked or performing strip teases on spring break and using your wide knowledge of technology from all those years in the AV club to your advantage. First, you can hide the footage as an "Easter Egg" on the new-fangled DVD yearbooks. Second, you can add the footage to the school's web site. And third, you can make a shit-talking web site that exposes those of power in your school.

See? It's easy to take out your frustration on the upper social class without using a semi-automatic to do the talking. Get creative. Watch 'Mean Girls' a few more times and learn to let your hate out in a better way. Start smoking-that's an easy and rebellious way to make friends in high school. Rent 'Heathers' and dream of murder. Become really creepy and have people refer to you as the girls from "The Craft." Whatever works for you.

School rampages are so 2000. Be creative. No bombs or mass suicide. Humiliation is the way to go.

Bitchball And Death

I'm a little tired of having to pretend in my office. Everyone has to do it to some person or another and this is the time of year when my pretending is at an all-time high. What am I pretending? I'm pretending to give a shit about women's basketball.

Every office has at least one or two people that it pays to be on their good sides. Not necessarily a boss, but maybe someone who has the ability to make your life a living hell on a whim. One such person in my office is fond of women's basketball, something that I detest. Even more excruciating is the fact that she also likes the University of Tennessee women's basketball. That particular shade of orange actually makes me either vomit a little in my mouth or have a mild seizure when I see it, which is all the damn time.

So, now this person comes into my office and actually seeks me out to talk to me about UT Women's basketball. I fear the wrath too much to stop her and hate the conversations too much to actually care. I hope I don't explode and actually blurt out something to allude to my loathing of bitchball.

I know there are many people out there that would get pissed at me for not liking women's basketball considering my gender. However, despite my belief in the equality of the sexes in many aspects, there are several types of females that I don't really like:

• drivers
• bosses
• athletes

I guess I'm sexist.

On another note, with the whole Terry Schiavo case going on and her being 26 when it happened, I'm a little freaked out at the thought of a possible court case if I happened to go into a permanent vegetative state. So, if you're like me, here's a link to living wills in your state. Most states don't require a lawyer, just a couple of witnesses OR a notary public.

If you don't really want to save the world, but merely the life of a bunny. Check out Savetoby.com This guy has made nearly $20,000 by holding his rabbit for ransom. People will waste their money on anything.

Coincidence? I think not

So a couple of months back, Chef got a new laptop computer. He was doing his usual business on the laptop when he surfed into mapquest. He started to enter his address and, as is handy with Internet Explorer, addresses that had already been entered popped up. The first one to pop up: MY ADDRESS.

After this happened a couple times on different sites, Chef told me. Seems as though the laptop he received from Dell here in Tennessee is the same one that I returned to Dell from my work. After a problem with a touchy touch pad, our IT sent it back and it just happened to find it's way to Chef. When did I send it back to Dell? BEFORE I EVEN MET CHEF. Weirdness.

Speaking of weirdness, Entertainment Weekly had a review of the actors who were reenacting the Michael Jackson trial. Apparently they liked the guy playing Jacko, but not the person being the DA. What kind of casting call do you think that was? How many people do you think they had to audition before they came up with the perfect Michael, who by the way, has yet to say anything in these reenactments?

Things to do on Fridays

End of the week and nothing to do? Here are a few suggestions:

1. Change something around in your office and note how many times someone mentions it.
2. Relive your youth on your computer.
3. Make a list of recipes for the following week.
4. Visit random blogs and leave random doomsday messages as comments.
5. Watch movie trailers for movies you have no intention of ever seeing.

Maybe that's just me. Or maybe this list was an excuse to include the link to cool games like Donkey Kong, Frogger and Pac Man. Or maybe I just want to tell you that I'm up to 17 on Simon.

Baseball been berry berry good to steroids

What a day for sports! Baseball players testify, basketballs go bouncing and it's St. Patrick's Day! Good times. I only wish that I could've seen the eye rolls when I heard the players say more than once "Consider the source" when referencing the tan lying man. Damn that Jose! He's making pseudo-Hispanics every where look bad.

The Congress asked Mark McGwire what his message would be to the public regarding steroids, and his reply was "Steroids are bad." In my head, that was followed up by a quick, "mmmkay."

On another note, did anyone else notice the mock-apology to Muslim-Americans on '24' this week? Having two proud Americans, with a Muslim or otherwise non-specific Middle Eastern descent, stand with Jack Bauer and defend against those "responsible for today's terror attacks" with shotguns? Anybody else notice the American flag draped across one of the counters?

When the hell will they get new episodes of 'Lost' back on the air? Anyone notice that Hurley's lottery numbers when added together equal 48, the number of crash survivors? Me neither, but I thank Entertainment Weekly for pointing it out.

All I want is bracket fever

After nearly five days where standing upright was my day's biggest accomplishment, I went back to work today. For a while anyway. I have been working from home and going to metro council meetings while sick and so my boss has kindly suggested that I may leave at any time I feel it necessary to get my body's 14 hours of sleep.

Good news? My appetite is back and I'm hungry all the time now. Bad news? I can't smell or taste anything so I could be eating nothing of any culinary substance and be happy. On the bright side, Chef can fart as much as he wants and his desired torture effect is useless on me.

Chef is about a day behind me on the sickness scale and one would think that my miraculous recovery would be awe-inspiring, but I believe he still wants to curl up and die.

Hopefully by tomorrow the only thing we'll be suffering from is bracket fever.

Diary of a Mad Theraflu Woman

Well, it finally happened. I was just gloating last week about not having had the "sickness" this year and then BAM! I get knocked on my ass. It started on Saturday with some body aches and a minor cough. By last night the cough was whopping and it took two doses of Nyquil to get some relief.

I even tried to go into work today, but that wasn't working either. So I collected my computer and a few stares and "Oh my God, don't take this the wrong way, but you look like shit" and headed out of there. Luckily, I have the Chef and he's taking good care of me. I was trying to remember the last time that I took a sick day, and I think this is my first time. Well, worth it to gorge myself on juice, overmedicate my symptoms and type out the last ramblings before the Theraflu kicks in and I'm drifting off.

Good night, my friends. I hope to wake up in time to watch '24' tonight. If not, I'll be up in time to watch IU play Vanderbilt on Wednesday night. That I can be sure of.

Titties get in the way

Damn it! Today has been a day when the chest has been of great hindrance. Most women out there can relate to a couple of these things:

1. Your back, shoulders, under boob area hurts
2. The underwire on your bra digs into your side or worse yet, the wire pokes out of your bra to scrape the crap out of your arm.

These are pretty common things that nearly every woman with a set of knockers understands. However, there are few things that only those with the truly large chests can relate to. Here are some common complaints:

1. You lean over to talk on the phone while at work and your boobs accidentally start typing random letters. Not necessarily a bad thing until your boss wonders why he got an email with only "mn.m,n.m,n'm,'nm,'n,mnmvkvvb ckvlcjvl" written on it.
2. You can't got to a restaurant and order soup, oily colored salad dressings, anything with buffalo sauce or ice cream in flavors other than vanilla. If even the tiniest bit strays from the eating utensil, you will end up wearing a jaunty colored reminder that your boobs are here. It's like a buffalo-sauce arrow pointing right at your tits.
3. You break a bra. Not a stray underwire, but an underwire that actually buckles under the pressure of your boob and snaps in two. Or perhaps a different break, which until recently was foreign to me, where the plastic ring that holds your strap to your bra cup breaks and flies off like a rubber band.
4. You spring across the street as to not hold up motorists and are honked at and cat-called for the inadvertent bouncing of the boobs.
5. You must alter your bowling follow-through to kick up your foot as to balance out the boobs.
6. That backbend (and other gymnastic endeavors) that you used to do as a child? Ain't gonna happen any more.
7. You can't buy a bra that doesn't look like its technology was used for parachuting purposes in World War II.
8. Halter tops, tube tops, strapless gowns and button-up shirts are all fashion trends you miss out on. And you miss them. Except for the tube tops. Those are just tacky no matter what.
9. Strapless bras will only work for about a 3-4 hour time frame before the cups revolt and flip over toward your waist when you sit down.
10. When you hold babies, they head for the nipple because something that big must be packing lunch.

Okay, so that's enough of the boob complaining for now. Despite their downsides, I'd rather have them than do without.

On another note relating to my Bumper Sticker rant, I was cut off and almost hit by (he cut me off then swerved to switch lanes, it was RIDICULOUS!) a man with a bumper sticker that read "Keep Your Eyes on God." He must want to see God soon or else he would've KEPT HIS EYES ON THE ROAD.

I'm just saying.

A Pig and Isaac Hayes can't make love

But the man sure does love his pig. I didn't realize that Isaac (aka Chef, but not the Chef) was a Tennessee native until I saw him shelling for the Tennessee Lottery. And in one of the beautiful spots, he was caressing a pig named Lucky. I wish I could find a clip of the ad online to share, but no such luck. He did his damnedest to make it cool, but even the pig was a little freaked out.

Probably because Hayes also loves his pigs barbecued. He owns his own club in Memphis which is decidedly southern and even has it's own special section for Fruit Teas on the menu. And low and behold several different types of little piggy sandwiches. He could probably cut down on his costs if he could get a pig and an elephant to make love. Lots more meat.

On another note, I am worth $1,948,290 according to HumanForSale. Chef was worth more than me, but I think that's only because he's younger. And because his blonde hair is natural, but that's beside the point. Check out how much you could go for in the open market.

Tell Me Why?

I'm so conflicted right now that it hurts. I found out through an anonymous source (okay, it was Brooke) that my ex-beloved, Nick Carter, had been arrested for DUI. Not unusual since Nick has not gotten any publicity since the girlfriend-beating allegations and break-up with Paris Hilton (I don't condone hitting women. Shaking the shit out of them is fine, but in this case I might make an exception). We all know that a good DUI charge will a celebrity's face back in the news, even if it is only an ugly mugshot picture.

So, sad little Nick Carter is claiming that he didn't realize the implications from some prescription drugs would cause the reaction with the alcohol and BAM! He's back in the spotlight. I'm a little sad to find out that the new Backstreet Boys album is due out this summer. I'm more sad because it just doesn't hold the excitement for me that it did a mere 5 years ago in college. Am I actually growing up? Or does my real boyfriend finally trump the fake ones?

Okay, so I have taken and will continue to take a lot of flak for my somewhat obsessive Backstreet behavior which is rather unlike my personality. However, I do have to say in my defense that just because I liked the Backstreet Boys does not mean that I did not realize that it was bad music. I know the difference, but their jaunty harmonies and lyrics that I couldn't think about or risk ruining the illusion kept me entertained. It also allowed me a couple of minutes to think about something silly in a time when those couple of minutes kept me sane. And for that, I thank the Backstreet Boys or Max Martin or Lou Perlman or whoever else was clever enough to get them together and then swindle them out of millions.

I'm not digging his "sexuality" now.

This bumper sticker will self-destruct

I admittedly don't understand people who use their cars as walking advertisements for schools, politicians, social movements and all kinds of other things. My mother and father never really bought into the bumper sticker scheme. I can't remember ever seeing one on either of their various cars through the years.

Perhaps I'm not that bonded in my convictions. I'm certainly not that attached to my hair color. But I can't seeing committing my car to something for the life of bumper sticker glue. Have you ever tried to scrape a bumper sticker off? It's easier to laser off a tattoo than to remove one of those bad boys. The only thing that would be on my car longer are the pine needles between my hood and the window that neither hand nor vacuum can get rid of.

I guess that's the reason that I'm still seeing election stickers on cars...from the Gore/Bush election. I also caught glimpse of a "Boycott French Products" sticker that had me longing for freedom fries. Have we outlived the usefulness of the bumper sticker?

It's purely my pleasure to know that your child is always honored at your home school or that the word of the day is legs: let's spread the word. But you'd think that with today's technology we'd find a better, less permanent way to express sarcasm.

Window clings do well, but are only used for parking passes and college alumni boasts. The car magnets were a good idea until every cause on the planet picked a color and made them into ribbons. If they were used as smart ass expressions of annoyance and elitism as they should've been, they might not be as annoying.

So, can there be a self-destructing bumper sticker? Something that will dissipate in a timely manner so that I don't have to pity the Howard Dean supporters and then replay his scream in my head. Or the gloating of the "W: Still The President" stickers.

I'm ready to move on. If only the bumper sticker wouldn't mock me.

I Failed the Taste Test

For some reason lately, people have been wanting to know what I think about the taste of their product. I know that March is National Nutrition Month, but I didn't know that it was also "Foist The Superiority of Your Product unto Innocent Consumers Month" too.

So it all started last Tuesday when I visited a drinking hole and was immediately approached by two barely 21 year-old girls who asked me to participate in a taste test. A beer taste test? It was my lucky day. Lucky indeed because I choose the beer they were promoting and thereby received a logo-embellished sock hat and a pair of fingerless gloves that would've made any homeless person jealous.

Yesterday when shopping at Kroger, I was approached to again do some taste testing. Considering the positive experience of the beer taste testing, it was an easy choice. A or B? It seems like a simple concept until you have a person who obviously has a favorite administering the taste test. Besides, I have constantly supported the Kroger brand in many arenas of food and other products (my two exceptions being toilet paper and cokes, the things that I will never buy storebrand on) and also constantly sang the praises of the lower priced items.

I sample the butter pecan ice cream. I chose B. Kroger brand was A. The store clerk looked at me and said "Yeah, the Kroger brand was A. That other stuff is Breyer's." I immediately felt like I had been called to the board with a boner or something. However, I was determined to carry on. I stopped by the sample table for the olive oil and after careful consideration, I picked....the name brand. I tried it with Wheat Crackers, spaghetti sauce and chicken tenders. All the same.

Apparently my love of all things Kroger does not include taste.

Boob for Sale (Updated 3/7)

UPDATE!!
Tawny Peaks apparently has a big heart under those bigger boobs. A portion of the proceeds from the sale of her implants are going to charity. Because of this, I have to be prepared to field any boob-related calls. I always have to be the one that gives directions to the Planned Parenthood office that's across the street too, but that's beside the point.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are always a lot of weird things on eBay, but today my new favorite was brought to my attention by Patrick. Tawny Peaks, former exotic dancer, is selling her 39 HH implants. Not just any implants, but famous implants.

Back in 1998, Tawny was involved in a lawsuit brought to the public's attention when she swung her mommy's milk bags at a client and proceeded to thump him a couple of times on the head with said boobies.

The man sued and thus opened himself up to becoming the butt of many late night monologues. However, the best part of this story was the decision to take the case before binding arbitration in The People's Court. (Hosted then by former New York Mayor, Ed Koch). To make his decision, the Honorable Ed Koch had his female bailiff grab a boob to see if they were lethal weapons.

The man lost and then Tawny went on to move out of Florida to Detroit to 'begin a new life' a la Pretty Woman. She also took out the implants to "keep it real." Real saggy.

Now to raise some cash for her three kids and her husband, she is selling her boobie on eBay for a mere $999.00. Now you can check them out here.

I'm thinking of selling my boobs to the highest bidder. Maybe advertise on them with temporary tattoos to raise some cash of my own. It's plenty of good real estate in a high traffic area. I think I could get a lot for them.

Seinfeld is true

This morning I saw yet another example of Seinfeld in my daily life. One would think that a sitcom that ended more than 5 years ago would stop resonating in today's culture, but it's not so.

Every morning as I pass the American Red Cross building and for the last week or so, a single man marches back and forth outside. After first, he carried a crutch with a sign on it that read, "Discrimination is alive in 2005. American Red Cross has unfair hiring practices." From one standpoint, I had to immediately think of Kramer's strike against the bagel company. I also admired that it was freezing and he was outside.

However, the marketing person in me wanted to tell him to shorten his signs to increase readership. This side of me comes out in the least compassionate ways. Once I saw a homeless man with his sign written in ball point pen. I thought my highest contribution to him could be a Sharpie.

Sharpies aside, it's hard to think of time when someone didn't "yada, yada, yada" or "double dip." Every time I go to Atlanta Bread Company, I chuckle when I see that they see muffin tops. I have to suppress the urge to shout "Top of the Muffin to You!" at the top of my lungs. Self-restraint has never really been a strong suit of mine and this pretty much stretches me to my limits.

You're sooo good looking.

Oprah's Got Nothing on Me (Except a Couple Billion Dollars and a Fame)

Okay, so I promised it in an earlier edition and I'm sure no one even remembers that I promised to make a little list of my favorite things a la the Winfrey-ed One.

Things that Don't Suck

• Subway Chicken Bacon Ranch Toasted Subs - I'm not sucking up to Jared, they really are that good. I also like marveling at the convection oven that toasts and melts things to perfection in only 20 seconds. I want one.
• Heath Magic Shell Once only available at the DQ, now near your grocer's freezer. If heaven is chocolate coated, they're using this to do it.
• The Cream N Crimson Pizza from Aver's Nearly entirely at fault for my freshman 15 and a good way that I got to laugh at my family. ("SEE?!!?! Potatoes, Bacon, cheese and alfredo do make a great pizza!")
• The Braun Oral B Toothbrush Truly the only thing that gets me to lick my teeth for 10 minutes on end.
• TiVo If you aren't a part of the TiVolution, then you should be. There's a reason why everyone raves about it. It's like have your own channel and filling it with Little House on the Prairie and Gilmore Girls episodes. If you like that kind of thing.
• Patrick's Spinach Artichoke Dip If you are lucky enough to meet Patrick and don't ask him to make the Spinach Artichoke Dip, then you doing yourself harm. It's not him. It's you.
• Scooby Doo pajama Pants The fact that Lara remembered that I wanted to make Scooby Doo pants FIVE YEARS after I mentioned it and actually made them make these the most comfortable thing in the world.
• That Kim is gone on '24' I don't care that they tried to make her hair look sassy in the second season or made her a badass CTU agent last season. Her character sucked and always had to be rescued from something.
• Kaitlyn in Pigtails Fine, you don't know Kaitlyn. But I can assure you that she's the cutest thing in the world and adding pigtails only makes her cuter.

That's it for now. Yes, there's a lot of food on there, but you've met me. You know I'm a great lover of all things edible. Give me a break already!