Rush, both a name and a feeling

I'm tired of Rush Limbaugh. Sick of him and his big bloated carcass. Sick of having the bile come up from my stomach and reach the back of my tongue every time I hear his voice.

Look, Rush is in it for the money. If he actually believed a lot of what he was spewing, he would be married to his first (not third) wife, and would have the discipline of a monk. Instead he's failed at marriage, failed at sobriety and taking it out on others.

Everyone has a right to say what they want. That's what's so great about this country. But what sucks is that we falsely believe that the loudest voice wins. Rush is trying to be the loudest voice. Would he have ever called for a debate with George W. Bush when he was president? Hell, no. Even though Republicans (and notice that I didn't say conservatives) hated a lot of Bush's policies (especially when it came to fiscal responsibility) too.

Is it the Republican's new strategy to send a big blowhard to throw stones and then look like they're not so bad comparatively? I'm not getting it. Neither are Americans.

One party, one decision, one bill, did not get us into this mess. One party, one decision, one bill is not going to get us out of it.

Can We Go Back to Previously Written Programming Now?

Last night I was watching The Biggest Loser, as I'm apt to do on Tuesday nights, and was highly disappointed. While I like the show and am enthralled, I'm also pissed off about it.

First, it is nearly always two hours long. It doesn't need to be. The weigh ins alone take 30 minutes which seems reasonable when you have like 20 people, but ridiculous when it's down to 10. Cut some of Bob's jaw dropping and Jillian's smirking head shaking and let's just get to it.

I know the show likes to think of itself as changing humanity by showing a bunch of people losing weight, but it's just a TV show. Many of the previous contestants have gained the weight back, so it's not any more important or impacting as Weight Watchers. Just more public and with money on the line.

But aside from all of my gripes, what I was mostly thinking was: Is reality TV finally starting to wane? "Survivor" is blah, "American Idol" is predictable and despite my previous rabid fandom, I have yet to see an episode of this season's "Amazing Race".

The thing that made that type of show so profitable for networks is the same thing that is eventually going to get them: no writing. Well, let me take that back. We know that the shows are written, but no creative content is involved. So with that comes the ability to work around a writers strike, crank out material with "protagonists" that are free and to do it on a 3 month life cycle. Sometimes less.

But it wasn't until I cursed "30 Rock" for being a repeat or said "Damn you, Scrubs! we've only had 6 episodes!" that I realized what was happening. The economics of it all were coming into play in a different way. Sure, The Biggest Loser is never a rerun, but really the whole show is one big rerun. The only thing different from one week to the next is who got kicked off (unless it's a stupid stunt week where they cut off who will be kicked off until the next week which just pisses me off more--Yes, Biggest Loser, I'm talking to you). When I tune into "The Office," I don't know what's going to happen from one week to the next. That's why I love it.

It's the writing. We knew it was important, but now it's even more important. Because while reality shows will always have a place on cable, where huge audiences are expected and shoe string budgets USED to reign true, they don't need to be so prevalent on networks. When they have been, cable stations stepped up and created well written shows that got noticed. Now the networks are scrambling to catch up.

So the next time there's a writers strike, don't watch any reality TV either. Let's show the networks that writing is important.

Today I learned about Cows

Yes, that's right. Today I did some research on cows. My friend asked me to do some writing for a project of his and I said yes. Because I was flattered and because I need a deadline to get real writing done. Not that blogging isn't real, but I only had 6 entries last month. I'll do better this month, I promise.

Anyway, back to cows. I expected to learn a little about them, but I actually learned a lot and in the process realized that if we all learned a little more about cows, we might not treat them as badly as we do. But anyway, one of the things I learned was the difference between different types of cattle. Yes, I know the difference between a bull and a cow, but did you know that an ox is a castrated male used for its power? Or that a heifer is a female that hasn't had a calf. Cows only refer to females that have had a calf and bulls are all males. Steer are castrated males that we use for beef. I think they're all used for leather, but I didn't get the far in my research.

I've read Fast Food Nation, so I know how shitty we treat cows for fast food purposes, but it was interesting to be a little more cow-knowledgeable. Like the auroch was the first type of domesticated cattle AND the first species of animal to become extinct. The dodo bird was the second and yet it gets all the glory.

Anway, enough about cows for now. Next I'm on to relationships. I'll be the latest and greatest Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Except less bitchy and with more understanding.

Oscar Schmoscar

I tried as best as I could to ignore the Oscars. There's just something about a bunch of rich people wearing expensive clothes to give out awards for who can pretend the best that doesn't really do it for me. The catty pre-show red carpet comments and post mortem fashion reports I totally dig (and by the way, Miley, that dress was done better without the sparkles by Oscar de La Renta).

I'm biased, I admit it. I'm not a big Hugh Jackman fan and prefer Jon Stewart to, well just about anyone in the world--except Tina Fey. But if you want a nice, safe Oscar ceremony with only one or two jabs at those in the room, then Jackman is your man.

It was nice to see the 5 presenters, but instead of an awkward reason why they love the nominee, how about a little more about the movie or role that was nominated. Let's be honest: most of those nominated roles haven't been the biggest box office draws.

And lastly, I was disappointed in Heath Ledger's family. I know they aren't actors, and it's rude for me to criticize, but I expected some tears. The people in the crowd (yes, mostly actors) were more touched by his win than his family seemed. My mom has been gone for 9 years and if I won a local award that was even slightly connected to her, I think I would crumble in tears. Squeeze one out and you would've had me. But they didn't. They just read their nice speeches and gave Matilda a shout out.

Can anyone tell me why Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer were there in the second row? I know she's an actress, but was she in a movie in 2008? Or was this just a cruel joke from the Oscar planners to have her so near Brad and Angelina?

So many questions, so little time.

It was More than Enough

I admit it. I watched the Dateline interview with Nadya Suleman last week. The mother of the octuplets and 6 other kids is a woman who has me enthralled. I can't turn my head from the train wreck that is this media blitz.

I'm not someone who judges others for having kids out of wedlock. I don't think a wedding band qualifies you as a good parent. And I think it's wonderful that people feel a deep need or calling into motherhood.

What I don't understand are the following:

• If you believe that things are "God's Will" but use artificial means to get pregant, aren't you defying God's will?
• Using government financial aid for things other than directly related costs can be deemed illegal and is taking away from the hundreds of thousands of people going to school and supporting themselves.
  
• If destroying the embryos was not an option for her, why did she have so many made?
• If reputable adoption agencies would turn you down because of your inability to provide consistent financial support, shouldn't that be a sign to rethink having kids or how many kids to have?
• How can one person's lips grow to three times their normal size in a few years without surgical help?
• How can you blame the media for the hailstorm around your life when you are constantly commenting to the media AND using the attention to raise money through your own web site (that has since been taken down)?
  

I hope the kids grow up healthy, and adjusted. I hope there is eventually peace in that home. I hope the nuts out there stop dropping death threats on Nadya Suleman and all those around her. I don't expect to have my piddly questions answered because it's not my life. But I couldn't help but ask them.

I'm going to take my investing advice from the government, too!

I opened my Marie Claire last week and was happy to see Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore and Ginnifer Goodwin on the cover. Mostly because I like all three actresses and thought "What the hey. I'll actually read an article about celebrities being interviewed. It was a bad decision.

Sure, the movie was "He's just not that into you," but do I really want to hear what three celebrities have to say about relationships? Yes and no. Yes, if they're going to dish about their famous loves and losses. No, if they're going to try and explain everything they've learned about love and themselves in a moment of self-discovery.

Jennifer Aniston is divorced. Ginnifer Goodwin is single. Drew Barrymore has been married and divorced and married and divorced and married and divorced. Do I really want to take relationship advice from that? Do I really care about their moments of epiphany that hit the average non-famous person about 10 years earlier? Does being rich mean that instead of worrying about the money coming in, the rent ot be paid and all that, you get to ponder about yourself for hours on end? Apparently the answer is yes.

I don't live an unexamined life. I do put thought and effort into my relationship with Chef. However, I don't talk with him about it for hours on end and set my boundaries and constantly express my wants and needs. Maybe that's why we're together.

So, in other words, 30 seems to be the age to the questions: How old are you before you really stop caring if Jennifer Aniston finds life fulfilling?Or how old are you when you could care less if Drew Barrymore finds happiness?

Last of the Birthday Celebrations

This weekend, my stepfather and his fiance visited me for my birthday. It was officially the last of the birthday celebrations and just like the others, it was wonderful and special. Jack came down and met Chef and I at our apartment. We introduced him to the cats (particularly Genghis who is the most social) and had a great time.

One special thing that happened was the passing along of my mother's engagement ring. I have the ring my father gave her. Or actually Chef has it to be utilized in the melding of many different rings that will eventually make up the engagement ring he chooses to give me.

However, for many reasons, I decided to keep my mom's engagement ring from Jack as it is. It is a gorgeous ring and one that she was very proud of for many reasons. Mostly because it symbolized the love she got from a wonderful man who made her happy. Naturally, I cried when he gave it to me. I thought of the last time I'd seen it on her hand. It was on her hand in the casket at the showing. I remember the car ride Jack and I took together on our way up to the funeral.

"That ring is yours," he said. "Your mom told me to take it back, but I wouldn't think of it. It's yours now or whenever you want it."

I didn't want it then. I was 21 and while I appreciated the ring as it had been between Jack and mom, I couldn't appreciate what it really meant. I hadn't been in a relationship and also knew that I wasn't mature enough to take care of it. So we decided that I would get it at 30. To make the birthday even more special and to give me time to experience all the things I would need to to give the ring value to me.

I knew when I opened it up and the tears flowed that I had made the right decision. I knew that it would mean something different to me than it had my mother. With her, it had meant someone who valued her so much that he would do anything for her. Even celebrate her daughter's 30th birthday when she couldn't be there to do it herself.

To me, it represents the independence she found right before she got it, the security she felt with it and that the only two women that have worn it were strong enough to realize they didn't need someone to rely on, but were open to love nonetheless.

I Went Red For Women

In full disclosure, I work for the American Heart Association. Most of you know that, but I just wanted to get it out there again. And on most days I love working there. Friday was one of those days.

Friday was National Wear Red Day were we get together and have a bunch of things (people, schools, buildings, etc) Go Red in honor of women and heart disease. The first few years it was to raise awareness that heart disease is the No. 1 killer of women. Now that more women know that than ever before, it's also to get people to take action.

What seems like a small day of awareness and media on the outside is actually the end result of months and months of planning. To be honest, as an American Heart Association employees, I chuckle every time I get a call mid-January from a company that would like us to help spread the word on heart disease in February. Mostly because more conversations start with a person telling me "February is Heart Month, you know?". Trust me. I know.

But I digress. This past Friday was a different day for me than any other. I got to spend the day at a local mall (I didn't buy a thing and it was probably my best day at a mall EVER) talking to women about Go Red For Women and being a part of a local casting call and beauty event. Macy's Ecotage salon came down and did hair and make up for anyone who wanted a touch up. It was a lot of fun. Probably the most fun and touching part was listening to everyone tell their stories of choice. Choices they made after they had a heart issue or choices they made now to prevent one.

I am truly amazed at these remarkable women. Not just those who told there story, but also the 20 or so volunteers that came out to help facilitate the event. Not 6 months ago, we did not have a strong base of volunteers to help us get the message out. What I've learned (and it's an important lesson) is that all you have to do is ask.

So even now, two days after Wear Red Day, as I look back at the event and the couple hundred people that took part in some way, I feel lucky to have a job that lets me have days like that. Where months of work culminates in a day when I get to tangibly see and hear the lives that are changed by the place I work. I get to marvel at the talent of my co-workers and their level of commitment. I get to see the passion and devotion of people I just met who want to be a part of this message.

I Went Red For Women. I hope you did too.

Smoke it if you got it

I woke up on Monday morning to the news of Michael Phelps and his date with a "marijuana pipe." First of all, I was wondering what a "Marijuana pipe" looked like. I know what a onie looks like, a bowl, and a bat. I've seen bongs, but never have I seen a "marijuana pipe". (My IU education has taught me many things well.)

So, after much curiosity, the Today Show showed the actual photo of Michael Phelps taking a huge bong hit. I don't know for sure if it was huge, but he's a large guy and has swimmers lungs. He totally has to take a big ol' breath to get properly high.

I don't think that smoking weed is that big of a deal. Of all the drugs that someone can use, it seems to have less effects to society than even alcohol. Billions of dollars that can be better used are spent every year by the DEA to fight weed instead of things like cocaine or meth or even prescription drug abuse. California passed a law making the sell of marijuana for medical use legal. However, because federal law supercedes it, the DEA spends time and resources shutting down legally operating facilities. It's like shooting fish in a barrel.

But whatever my personal feelings are aside, Phelps is an idiot. It's bad enough that he got a DUI at 19, but what idiot is on the cover of Sports Illustrated and then thinks that he or she can smoke weed at a college party without anyone noticing. There are cameras everywhere!! Anyone can snap a pic with their cell phone and the world can see it in less time than it takes to pack a bowl.

So, while it won't affect my opinion of him that he's a potsmoker, it does affect me that he's an idiot. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, come up with a better apology.

I'm off to finish my glass of wine. Legal and delicious. And it won't make you cough.

25 Random Things

I was tagged--many many times, so I am contributing.

Rules:Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, you are supposed to choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because you already tagged me or I want to know more about you. I chose not to inflict this painful but somewhat fun self-reflective exercise on 25 "friends." It's like a virus. (To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag people, then click publish.)

1. I am scared of being impaled through a car window with deer antlers. It has to do with summer driving in Indiana and our family nailing a deer one night in the Oldsmobile.

2. My dad got me Backstreet Boys tickets for my 21st birthday because I asked for them.

3. I went to see them two times. The biggest plus was that the beer lines were super short.

4. I've had to pretend to like women's basketball to avoid confrontation and I'm ashamed.

5. In high school while working in a sporting goods store, my butt was stuck to a toilet seat.

6. I wrote about the experience and overcoming obstacles to win a partial college scholarship.

7. In high school, I used to wear white t-shirts, and stick glow sticks in my cleavage at parties.

8. At the Eagle's Nest in Germany, I was able to get a private tour because one of our hosts was pushy. It was awesome.

9. My first car was named Carlos and was a 1984 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme. Even without air conditioning and a CD player, it was awesome.

10. In 6th rgade, I was a member of the city's 2nd place African-American Academic Olympic team and didn't realize I was the only white team member until years later looking back on the pictures.

11. In high school, I was on the softball and volleyball teams, cheerleading squad, school newspaper, yearbook staff, and National Honor Society, but all I really wanted to do was write and drink like Ernest Hemingway. But I hadn't read any of his books yet.

12. My family owns a restaurant that's been around for 60 years and still serves the best spaghetti I've ever eaten.

13. While working as a waitress at the above restaurant, I would change my outfits, cleavage, accent and hairstyles to see how it affected my tips. However, nothing affected my tips like someone telling the customer I was the owner's niece.

14. I have a picture of my mom standing on top of the Twin Towers in New York and it freaks me out. Both aren't with us any longer.

15. I've seen David Sedaris read three times and still can't get enough of him.

16. I thought I hated cats until I got one. Then two more.

17. I once had a "love spell" pouch that I wore to a bar and lost while playing air hockey with the guy I was trying to "put under my spell." It didn't work.


18. I've tried many, many many times to read non-contemporary books, but I can't seem to really enjoy them.

19. My mom once hit me in the eye with Tabasco and told me to wash it out in a pool. I was supposed to get Tabasco in my mouth for cussing at my brother.

20. Chef and I met on the Internet. I used to think it was weird. Now it's mundane.

21. As a sophomore in high school, I read every book I could get my hands on about basketball in Indiana.

22. I can still remember all the lyrics to the "U Can't Touch This" parody cheer my old softball team had. Lachelle, Jamie and Sarah were good at making our cheers the best.

23. I ran into a girl during a softball game and accidentally broke her leg. The bone was sticking through the skin and required many surgeries. She was my teammate.

24. My dream job is to be a sports radio talk show host for ESPN. No make-up, sports and I get to talk for 4 hours. Bliss.

25. I am hopelessly addicted to carbs. Mostly in the form of loafs.

T Minus Three Hours Until I'm 30

I woke up this morning a little depressed, as I prepared for my last few hours of my twenties. It was less about turning 30 and what I try to think of as just another birthday. It was more about missing my mom. Something about this time of year always makes me sad. When I think of our birthdays just a few weeks apart, I think of us when we were living together alone. . .just the two of us. We would each try to outdo each other making our birthdays special.

But just as I was reflecting upon my life thus far and what I've accomplished and how work is going to have me slammed for the next few weeks, the mail came. What a weird thing. The paper mail is so antiquated in today's digital age, but who doesn't still get excited when they get a letter or card or something other than direct mail. But I'd gotten a slip of paper that said I had a package at the post office. I expected it to be a present or something from a friend. Instead it was much better.

Today I got five copies of the book my story is published in. It was the first time that I've been published in book form. Magazine, newspaper, online and other forms, but never in a book. It totally lifted my spirits. I felt proud and excited to enter a new decade. This one hasn't been so bad. It started off rocky (mom dying), but ended up spectacular with many things I'm thankful for: Chef, my relationship with my dad, niece and nephew, move to Nashville, job trials and tribulations and successes, and a great group of friends to help me through. Not too shabby for the first 30 years. Can't wait to see what the next 30 will bring.

Hopefully one thing is Saint Oprah Day. Oprah and I share a birthday and I'm hoping fellow Catholics will overlook her religion and the 100+ years it takes for canonization and make her a Saint. Then I hope it becomes a federal holiday so that not only myself but the world can celebrate the day together. And that I won't have to take Paid Time Off to get the day off like I'm doing tomorrow. Maybe in the next 30.

It's like They're Famous

Every time I'm in a drug store lately, I stop by the aisle with Products Scene On TV and stare in wonder. It's like seeing Nicole Kidman at the movies. Those products are famous. Some of them have their own TV shows.

Of course I realize that I'm falling for it, but I want to try them. I've bought and use the PedEgg. I keep meaning to get a PediPaws for our cat (the only one with claws). I know the Kinoki foot pads are nothing but a crock, but the same part of me that likes to look at the Q tip after it's been in my ear yearns to buy a Kinoki foot pad.

It's not just the product themselves, but their pitchmen that have become famous. Billy Mays is just about a household name. He started off shilling OxyClean and now it's washers, insurance, miniature cheeseburger grills, whatever. He even did a spoof of himself with ESPN.

However, Billy has some competition now with Vince, from ShamWow and SlapChop fame. Vince simultaneously creeps me out and intrigues me. He seems to have one eye cocked as he peers from behind his Madonna-mic and spouts out things like "the Germans always make good stuff." He's almost mocking in his pitch but so subtlely that you have to pay attention to the pitch instead of the masterful product to really pick up on it.

However, no matter the pitchman or the product what always seems the most disappointing is the actual products. The glitz of owning one quickly fads when you realize that your pet isn't on valium like the ones on the PediPaws commercial or that ShamWow is more Sham and less Wow. I learned that the hard way years ago when I bought the PVA 10 X mop for a friend. Needless to say the entire can of coke we spilled on the floor to test its strength left a sticky residue for days.

And Now They're Gone

Yesterday my three closest friends from high school and college made the up to 7 hour trek from up north to visit me. Actually, they got here on Friday night and Chef made them a delightful "Welcome" meal, but I digress.

We talked, shopped and ate. . .all three in abundance. It was so easy to get back in a routine with them. That's something I always love about the girls. It doesn't matter how long we've been a part, we can always get together like no time has passed.

The only bad thing about them coming is them leaving. It always sucks to be the one that's being left, not the one doing the leaving. I get depressed when I leave them in Indiana, but I know that I'm going back home. Being at home and then having them here and gone, it makes me so much more sad. I am officially depressed but know that it was totally worth it to see them.

They came down to help me celebrate my 30th birthday, which is next Thursday. I don't know quite how I feel about turning 30. Everyone says it's great, but I don't know if that's because it's true or because it's inevitability makes optimism a prerequisite. Either way, I know I should be doing something big, but I just don't know what to do. I'm taking off of work, which is huge considering it's a very busy time of year. But other than sleeping in with Chef and cuddling cats, I'm not sure what to do. If anyone has any ideas, feel free to pass them along. I'm open to just about anything.

The Girls are Coming!

My girls are coming into town this weekend and I am so excited I can hardly stand it. Since I've last seen some of them in person, they've birthed a child, moved and gotten married. And I've been the horrible friend that's sat back and congratulated them from afar. Well, no more. They're coming down here to wreak some havoc and I'm ready.

Well, not quite ready. Chef has graciously agreed to prepare a lovely meal for us all and we have yet to determine the final menu. So I need to go shopping for the ingredients. And of course there is the issue of cat litter. While we will be using the LitterKwitter to toilet train the cats, we have yet to use it with all three cats. So despite vacuuming twice a week, we have 12 paws that carry the litter outside the box and into the immediate bathroom area. Two seconds after we vacuum, dustbuster or use the broom, one of the three (usually Genghis) goes in to do business.

But aside from the litter issue and grocery shopping, I am mentally ready to hang out with my best chick friends for a while.

Do they still make those?

The other day I was watching TV with Chef and ran across an ad for a local discount furniture store. They were nice enough to adhere to all my aforementioned local TV ad pointers, but were advertising something I hadn't seen in a long time: waterbeds.

I instantly looked at Chef and said "Do they still make those?" He replied with the "obviously they do or they wouldn't be advertising them," look. But it caused me to wonder who still owns a waterbed? Better yet, who is just now purchasing one? If there's someone with a waterbed out there, can you please leave a comment or contact me because I'm very curious.

In an era of sleep number beds, space age tempurpedic materials, feathered mattresses and the like, why would one choose a bed that shifts every time you breathe? The last experiences I've had with waterbeds happened in the mid-80s. I was in my youth and an uncle and a babysitter boh had waterbeds. I thought they were really cool and begged both until I got to sleep on one. That night I ended up wedged between the mattress on the side and the padded frame. To get out of the bed, I had to manuveur precariously and in a rolling motion. It was like have to watch the tide until you could go out into the ocean. I didn't want to get caught in the undertow.

Seriously, the curiosity is killing me. What is the allure in 2009 of a waterbed? Can someone help me?

Tina Fey is WAY Better than Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin recently sat down with conservative filmmaker John Ziegler to answer questions for his documentary "Media Malpractice," aka "let's blame the media that Barrack Obama got elected." She blames the media for their obsession with her family. First, it is not a double standard that the family of a president or vice president --winner or candidate--gets roped in and put under scrutiny. And not just Republican families either. Ask Jimmy Carter how well his brother Billy helped his image. Or ask Chelsea Clinton if the media took it easy on her while she was in her teens. Here's the big thing: neither of them were pregnant as a teen when the candidate they were related to ran on a conservative platform. So, yes. There was that.

Then after talking about the double standard of reporting and how it hurt as a woman to have things like wardrobe brought up repeatedly, she called out two women for profiting from her campaign. First it was Katie Couric who originally questioned Palin about what media she read and Palin did not come up with a significant answer. Palin can apparently blame the media, but doesn't actually read, watch or listen to any of it.

Secondly, she slammed Tina Fey. Tina Fey of my favorite line "I want to go to there." Tina Fey of "Mean Girls"--the miracle worker whose words actually made Lindsay Lohan seem likeable. The one who won an Emmy for writing and acting for 30 Rock--NOT her Palin impressions. I wonder if Palin would've been as recognizable if Fey had not played her on SNL. And if it were so insulting that it was happening, why did Palin guest star on the show? Because the evil media was helping her then.

It's been two months since the election and Palin is still intwining herself with politcal pandering to those who might see her as a party leader in 2012. My only hope is that Republicans are doing less finger pointing and more looking at why they lost the election. Indiana had mass amounts of volunteers knocking on doors to get the word out and even Obama volunteers from Illinois to help gain interest. In doing so, a traditionally Red state that was neglected by the republicans for a long time went blue.

So lay off, Tina Fey. She's talented and can only see Emmys and Golden Globes from her house. Not Russia.

My Name is Ashley and I Have an Addiction.

The first step is admitting the problem, right? Well, I already know that I have an addiction to TV, but lately it's a more specific addiction than that. I'm addicted to Intervention and the ID channel.

Perhaps I'm phrasing it as an addiction just so that someone will want to do an intervention and therefore call the TV show Intervention for help. How happy I would be to sit in a hotel room with my family and Jeff Van Vonderen (he's my first choice--Ken Seeley my second and if it has to be Candy Finnegan then think again) telling me that I have family that "loves me like crazy"! Plus it would be 90 days of self-reflection, therapy and good weather. They rarely send a person to a crappy place like Nebraska. It's always some place sunny and by the sea.

The downside would be the whole addiction thing. Even my meager addiction to TV would not be enough to be sensationalized for the show. I'd have to go all out and like lose my job, friends and perhaps maime a cat before I'd qualify.

My other addiction is disturbing as well. I'm addicted to real life murder mysteries and serial killer profiles. Our TV automatically goes to Channel 111 (aka ID-Investigation Discovery) to check out Dateline or 48 Hours Mystery. I see the words "Ted Bundy" and I think "YES!". "BTK" sounds interesting to me. I don't want to die by the hands of a killer, but I am curious to know about those who have.

So, if I'm at home with Chef and the cats, chances are good we're exploring death, addiction, murder and cat litter. But not necessarily in that order.

I hate that I'm blogging about this (aka Damn You, Fergie)

This morning, as I was trying not to fall back to sleep too deeply because I only had an hour before I really had to get up, I thought about Josh Duhamel. It's not something I do often and with his track record of shitty acting gigs, apparently other people don't either. But I was watching SoapNet (as I'm apt to do because of their early morning One Tree Hill or 90210 reruns) and a picture of Vanessa Marcil came up.

"Is that crappy Las Vegas show still on? I really wish she'd go back to General Hospital," I thought. "Wow, Josh Duhamel hasn't done anything lately and has never done anything good."

It's a rapid-fire kind of train of thought I have. One of the great things about Soaps (be they daytime or primetime) is the incestuous mingling of castmates, which forever links them in my mind with other crappy things or castmates they've done.

Nonetheless, Duhamel's less than stellar resume of Transformers, Win a Date with Todd Hamilton and All My Children (by far the best role he's had) is nothing compared to his new role of being Mr. Fergie. He and Fergie got married today. Weird that I thought about him conciously for the first time in. . .well, ever.

While I don't find many redeeming qualities about either of them, Duhamel irritates me slightly less than Fergie because his London London London Bridge is still standing. However, the marriage does seem to be a public announcement that Fergie is his fair lady. And from all reports it was a small affair with a mere 10 bridesmaids. Anything less than double digits is just unacceptable.

So, while there may be many things wrong in your life, at least you didn't spend the day pledging your love and devotion to someone who counts a guy named Will.I.am as a bandmate. Hopefully, you watched football.

An Open Letter to Those who Advertise on local TV

Dear area car dealer, restaurant, realtor or other business owner,

I know that cable and local TV stations offer you an opportunity, and usually a pretty affordable one, to reach your local clients and even specific demographics. I'm a big proponent of utilizing this medium. In fact, my mom sold local advertising throughout my formative years, so you could say my straight teeth, relatively unblemished skin and above average public education are all because of local merchants seeking advertising.

However, as an expert in local TV advertising (meaning that I watch a lot--like a tremendous amount), I would like to pass along some tips for you to get your message out.

• Don't use your child or children in the ad. Seeing little Becky's face will not make me picture her starving because I didn't buy, sell, rent or lease from you. I especially hate any ads that create thought bubbles or voiceovers for babies--it's just creepy and wrong. Even if the child or children in the ad are old enough to decide for themselves to be in it, just say no. What they think sounds like a good idea at 10 will bite them in the ass in high school and college and lead to a creepy career path (see the Watson's girl). The same could be said for pets, but the rules are a little more lenient.
  
• Do not make up a theme song or jingle for your company. I realize this is especially hard to overcome in Nashville because of the proximity of so many great songwriters, but just don't do it.
  
• Use a catch phrase that actually makes sense for your business. To this day, there are thousands of people in Southern Indiana that can spout off "It's hot, Don." Don, didn't sell air conditioners, pools, ice cream, or cold beverages. Don sold cars, but few people remembered that. There's a business now that makes housecalls for something--I can't even tell you except that it isn't coffee related, and their phrase is "You make the coffee. We'll bring the cup." So now I've got to pay you AND do chores before you'll work with me!?!?!
  
• Jesus wouldn't co-brand, so don't make him. There are many people and businesses full of faith. And some of them are very sincere about their faith. However, when you start mentioning Jesus and business, no matter how sincere, the lines of sinning and shilling become blurred. If you want to profess your faith, find a way to do so that doesn't make me think you're co-branding with God.

So the next time you're spending the dough to bring more customers in, maybe-just maybe-it would be wise to invest in a few extra dollars for a local ad agency to help steer you clear of having spent lots of money to create an animated super hero to promote your furniture company.

I'm just saying.

If I were a Titans fan, I'd be pissed

Remember that guy in 2004 that was the League co-MVP? No, not Peyton. Steve McNair. Well, he originally agreed to host a Baltimore Ravens Pep Rally on friday night. Oh, and it was scheduled to be in Nashville across the street from LP Field.

Are you kidding me? Who on Steve McNair's staff thought it would be a good idea for him to host a pep rally before the first Titans home play off game in years for the opposing team? He played for the Oilers/ Titans organization for more than 10 years. He played in Baltimore for one. His name was just entered into the Ring of Whatever at LP Field.

Yes, I know originally the pep rally was for charity--but hosted by a sports radio station in Baltimore. I've got lots of experience with events like these. They typically raise a lot of awareness but not a ton of money. It's nice of him to want to give back, but if he's smart, he should write a check directly and not risk alienating the thousands of fans he has in Nashville--where he still lives.

Since the word hit Music City, he has since backed out. His agent denies that he was involved or knew it was a Ravens event. The radio station hosting/ coordinating the event says he knew. When it comes down to it, he probably did. I know there really isn't a lot of loyalty in sports these days. We hear that every day. However, it's a little different after you retire. After you retire, you are forever linked in the eyes of fans with the team that you spent the most time with. This team gave you the bulk of your earnings and those fans helped fund that team. It's not hard leap to make.

Most sports fans don't require retired players to be overtly loyal. They just expect them to not be overtly disloyal. And the charity probably doesn't want that either. Even though the Ronald McDonald house in Baltimore is benefiting, there could be some backlash to the same charity here. Trust me, it's not right, but it happens.

Here's hoping Peyton never does a pep rally for the Patriots. Even if it is for charity.