Creative Frustration

You know what happens when you know there are things you need to do everyday and you don't do them? Yeah, things become hairy.

I'm not talking about things that need to be done to live (breathing, eating, sleeping, etc.) or to feel better about things (cleaning, cooking, taking care of pets). I mean things that you need to do to feed the soul. Or my soul in particular.

After years of trial and error, I've nailed down my needs to a few simple things that I need to do daily to feel productive and be happy:

• Give or get a hug (husbands and pets are wonderful for this not turning into something very creepy)
• Do something physically active (Early morning workouts help my soul and sanity)
• Eat well (not just ENOUGH food, but good food. Food that I don't feel the shame sweats about eating).
• Write. 

It's the last one that has once again been alluding me. And for the first time in my adult life, I actually felt the need to create. I yearned to put pen to paper and make something bigger than myself. I felt a need to be a writer. 

I always WANT to write. Don't get me wrong. And I always find reasons why I don't really have time to do it. I get up early already to work out. I don't have a lot of time at home with the husband anyway. I have work stuff to go to. I have to friend stuff to go do. 

Here's the truth I know: If I don't write, I get unhappy. If I get unhappy, everything else suffers anyway. 

So, it's time to get my shit together YET AGAIN (this is a cycle that I realized never stops) and to put thought to keyboard. I sifted through my notebooks of writing and realized that I've actually got the plot and chapters of three novels already drawn out. 

Now to write them. 

Woman without Purpose or Project

I have to admit that I'm feeling a little lost lately. Not physically. I know where I am (most of the time), although my time zones have been all messed up and wreaked havoc on my body lately.

Mentally, though, is a different story. I feel like I don't really have a purpose. Before you start to get all worried about my mental state, just stop. This isn't a cry for help or anything like that. It's simply this: ever since I've been about 8 years old, I've always had a project going. Something creative and fulfilling or creative and ridiculous that kept me looking forward to spending time with my thoughts.

Frankly, those things have been missing from my life lately: creativity and free time.

Everyone is busy and to pretend that I'm special because I've been busy is frankly, just sad. Yes, I've been traveling a lot. Yes, I'm juggling a lot of demanding people all at once. But if I made things a priority, I would get it done. I just have a hard time not being a people pleaser. I don't think this unusual. It's why so many women will push their husbands to the hospital for a sniffle but nearly die of walking pneumonia before they see a doctor themselves.

Instead of prioritizing creativity and art and just a release, I have used my free time to be with my husband and rest. There's nothing wrong with that. I can't think of anyone that would fault me for those choices. But I miss having a purpose.

Do moms feel this way? Like really?

I feel like so many times I read mom blogs or talk to my mom friends and the idea that their kids aren't their purpose in life is something none of them will admit or talk about. I'm not saying kids aren't a worthy endeavor, but I rarely heard dads talk about their kids in the same way. I wonder if moms would have their mom cards revoked for admitting such things.

By contrast, adults without kids are often asked to nail down their life's ambitions and to always have them at the ready to serve the dual-purpose of being a reason for their happiness and existence AND the reason they chose not to have kids. But I'm majorly digressing here on a subject that really is a post for another day.

I need to find a project. A reason to write (a deadline or conference or something to shoot for). A reason to tell stories again. To create stories. To make myself and my creativity a priority.

And to sound less obnoxious when doing it than I have here.

Any advice?

Making time for Me

If you've been checking back here lately and not found a post, well honestly, you must be a relative. But anyway, you may have surmised that I've been busy. You would be right.  

In the last few months, I've had a stretch of working 38 of 40 days. Then working a ton during the week. Then a few more weekends.  Don't get me wrong. I love my job and I'm thankful for it, but in the near compulsive need to please people (clients, bosses, coworkers, husbands), I've forgotten to please someone pretty important: myself. 

I'm not unhappy, but I'm not as happy as I could be and frankly the fault is my own. I know myself fairly well. I know that I am most satisfied when I take time for myself to do the things that feed my soul. My soul is hungry. And no amount of gummi bears or cheeseburgers or lazy afternoons on the couch will make me feel better. 

So I'm going back to what makes me happy. Unless I'm in danger of missing a client deadline, I am going to leave the office before 7 each night. I am going to workout every weekday. And by workout, I mean work up a sweat. I will do something to move my dreams each day. This will probably involve having fun with my novel in Scrivener, which is awesome. 

And so this post is like so many more where I have to remind myself that I'm important. Taking time for myself is not selfish. 

And all this to say thank God I don't have kids. I don't think I could stand the guilt. 

Shaken and Stirred

An earthquake isn't the best form of alarm clock that I know of. I would much prefer something a little more soothing and that doesn't freak the crap out of my cats.

I actually was drifting back to sleep as I had decided after my alarm went off at the normal 5:45 that my aching feet from an event I worked yesterday didn't need to hit the treadmill quite yet. The shaking started and it rattling the windows pretty hard. A little before the shaking started, I heard the cats scurry from their shelf-perches. Then they all ended up in bed with me. Chef, on the other hand, didn't wake up at all. That man can sleep through just about anything.

But the earthquake was just the start of a jarring day. It wasn't particularly bad or remarkable or even unusual in the sense that nothing happened that was out of the ordinary. But for some reason I was a little shaken in more than the physical sense today.

I thought of a question on my way out to my car. Pondering life and art and all those things that only seem to pop into my head when I'm trying to think about other things, less important daily duties, I thought to myself: Do you have to sacrifice something for your dreams?  Is that a prerequisite?

I honestly don't know the answer or am not sure there really is an answer. Do you have to sacrifice family to be a true artist? Or a career to have a true passion (assuming it's not in that career field, of course)? Clearly, there's no secret formula to making dreams come true. Other than luck. I'm a firm believer that luck (or timing or coincidence or faith or whatever you believe in) plays a bit role in making things happen. And yes, the harder you work the "luckier" you seem to get. I've heard that.

But I guess I found it appropriate on St. Patrick's Day to wonder: Is it luck or sacrifice that plays a bigger role in making dreams a reality?

Birthday Wrap Up

I took it nice and easy and even took a day off for my birthday. Which meant that I've been buried in work to catch up since I got back (it's that time of year--but honestly, it's always that time of year in PR). So instead of blogging, I've been working off cake and a week of decadence.

But here is the long overdue recap of the wonderful, awesome, super relaxing birthday that I got to share with Chef.

Nothing says party like some bubbly on the actual birthday. 

It sparkles so nicely. Champagne went well with the dinner he cooked me.
Apparently I ate that too fast to take a picture. 

The beautiful flowers he also surprised me with. 

This was not about cat CPR, but a book on screenwriting I've wanted forever. Good call by Chef. 

I managed to work in a much needed root touch up. Gotta keep red on the head.

I used my Sephora gift cards to do my annual "on my birthday" Sephora trip.

But the birthday just kept on going! I took off Friday to have some fun and we celebrated on Saturday too. That's how we roll in our household.  Below are more spoils from being spoiled (that included a two hour massage--somehow I've managed to tighten up again). I'm a lucky gal! Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone!

Things that Don't Get Easier The More You Do Them

Some days deserve a French Fry
happy ending.

There's a big myth that I used to subscribe to that things get easier the more you do them. The older I've gotten the more I realize that this blanket statement relates to a LOT of things in life, but certainly not everything. So I started thinking. . .what are things that don't get easier the more you do them:

• Doctors appointments
• Bikini waxes
• Writing a novel
• Colts and/or Hoosiers losses (particularly in the playoffs, Super Bowl or NCAA tournament)
• Bathing cats
• Pitching stories to journalists that your client/co-worker/sponsor expects to see place and you know you don't have a shot in hell (clearly, that's PR specific)
• Exercise--yes, technically it exerts you less the more you do it, but it's still hard to want to do it. AND if you skip a few days, it's almost like starting back at square one, which doesn't seem fair.
• Diets-duh
• Calculus- this could just be me, but I despite my B, I never did get Calculus. 
• Watching bad stand-up comedy--particularly in person

What would you add to the list?

** Despite the fact that I'm not advertising McDonald's, I am required to mention that I work with the brand. They are a client. (Yes, I'm very lucky). I will also testify, which MANY people can back up, that my love of the McDonald's french fry goes back longer than my current job. Because they rock my socks off. 

What if. . .?

I've been working more on the book lately. Mostly to figure out some plot and character issues and to basically rip it apart to make it better. It's simultaneously horrifying and liberating. Okay, less horrifying. I'm really enjoying doing it. I probably should've done it before I actually began the meat of the project, but I'm going to say that it's my first attempt at a novel so I'm allowed-no, EXPECTED-to take the long way around.

Anyway, one of the questions really got me thinking. The question was: "What if. . . ?"

I think that question gets a really bad connotation sometimes. Most of the time when I think of what if? it's looking backwards.

What if I had swung at the called third strike in my last travel softball game?

What if I had continued with teaching as my minor instead of German?

But the exercise for this book was more about looking forward. Making choices for the characters and seeing how they'd turn out. Taking a moment to imagine things rather than presume. Letting your mind wander. And I've found that I enjoy letting my mind wander. Taking some time to focus and think and not be bombarded with the latest text that just popped up on my phone.

We all need some time to dream. I've forgotten that in the midst of the daily grind. What if I remembered to take some time to dream?

What if. . . .?

Viva La Resolution!

Not mine, but funny. 

It's the day, time of year, frame of mind to think about beginning again. I like new beginnings. Even if it's only on the calendar. New beginnings mean new possibilities and what's life if we aren't thinking of how it could be even better.

Or maybe that's just me.  Maybe you've already accomplished all your dreams.

I, on the other hand, have not. So instead of just wishing things were different, I pictured how I wanted things to be different by the end of 2014 and worked my resolutions from there. Not sure it will be any different, but I'm trying it.

By the end of 2014, I will:

1. Have a literary agent. So to do that, it means that I have to have something I want to show an agent, which means I need to get to work. I'm dreaming big here, so go with me. . . 
2. Have 1,000 per week visiting my blog. I'm halfway there now, so really it means that I'll just have to post more, read more, share more, and generally be more engaged. I think I can do that. 
3. Be down 40 lbs. I'm beyond pudgy, and I don't have to be. I run consistently. But I also eat consistently. Consistently bad. I'm over it. Time to hunker down and shed some lbs. 
4. Say 'no' more often. Specifically 'no' to a few things: 1) time-wasting activities like TV for the sake of TV and Candy Crush. 2) Events or activities that I get guilted into doing or going to. 3) People who are draining without any benefits. 
5. Say 'yes' more. Specifically to new things that I've wanted to do but might be too chicken try and to hanging out more with friends who I say 'no' to for no good reason. Additionally, this also means that I'm going to ask more of others, specifically to take Chef up on his offer for us to go out to eat more. 
6. Made unplugging from technology a habit. No more answering emails at 10 p.m. because my phone is by my side. I will use the sleep mode on my phone. I will learn what items are truly emergencies and what ones are just other people's emergencies.
7. Put more into my time instead of putting more time in. This includes writing, reading, working, and being present for my time at home with Chef. 
8. Use my money for good instead of evil. This not only means spending or saving more wisely, but also not buying stuff that leads to negating other resolutions--like toys to waste time. My one exception is the aforementioned dinner dates with Chef. 

So that's it. That's my list. What's on your list?

What Are You Gearing Up For?

I can't decide if these books
make me want to set a new
reading goal or a goal around
clutter for 2014. 

Only a few more days before the new year begins. I always get really excited at the new year. Mostly because I like the idea that things can change in a year. That hard work can make dreams happen. It's the wholesome American Midwest in me that likes to believe that working hard is rewarded. 

So I'm gearing up for what I'm going to concentrate on next year. This year I wanted to be well, write daily, try new things and be a better blogger. For the most part, I kept those resolutions. The end result is (the past week--okay, month--aside on the health part) has been more blog traffic lately (funny how that happens when you actually post more than 1-2 times a month), a solid draft on the novel plus several new stories and outlines for future stories, a fairly consistent running schedule, and an indoor skydiving experience under my belt, among other things. 

So now I'm thinking, what next? I will have a goal around writing, one around reading, one around my health for shiz, and then something else. It will have to be realistic, but maybe this time I'll start backwards. I'll start with what I want to have accomplished at the end of next year and then work backward on what it'll take to get me there. 

What are you preparing for in 2014? Any big goals on the horizon?

Getting Kind of Excited And Terrified

I have officially finished hand editing my novel and I have to say that it doesn't look as bad as I thought it would. Are there some big sections of boring prose and little progress? Why yes, yes there are. Are those sections easily cut or rewritten to better fit into the entirety of the story? Why yes, yes they are. Considering I started writing this novel in pieces that weren't not necessarily in chronological order and I wasn't sure if I what I wrote would end up making much sense, I can say that I was pleasantly surprised.

So now I'm adding my edits into the computer and adding some touches before I send it to a few trusted people to read through before...DUM DUM DUM...trying to find an agent. My goal is to theoretically have something workable to send out by January 1st. I'll be using this time to not only polish the roughness of the manuscript down a little more, but also to mentally prepare myself for the agony of being rejected constantly.

I don't know if anyone takes rejection well, and I am no exception. I especially have a hard time if the rejection is coming towards something I care about and needless to say, I care about my writing. Even when I try to pretend I don't.

What I really fear is that this thing will get looked at and people will think it needs a major overhaul. Which means that I'll be rocking myself quietly in the corner for a month or so. As much as I love this novel, I'm also ready to start working on something else, too. Meaning that I need to have some time devoted to the new characters in my head. Unless that's schizophrenia, but then that would present before I turned 30, so I think it's just new characters.

Wish me luck!

Should I have a Pen name?

Chef says that even by writing this, I'm setting myself up to never be able to be anonymous in my writing and he's probably right, but I still can't but wonder: Should I have a pen name?

I'm thinking of this for a couple of reasons:

1. I could start over...kind of. If I were to use a pen name, I could develop social media outlets, a blog, and a persona that is 100 percent just for my personal writing. Since I've learned so much since starting all this a while ago, I feel like I could grow it.
2. Let's face it: having an audience is a plus for marketing a book. If I ever get to the point where I can get an agent, having an audience built in is a great way to be all that much more appealing to a publisher. I should know. I used to work for a publisher. 
3. I can stop censoring myself. You might not believe that I censor myself, but it's true. One of the things that make me fairly good at my PR job is that I know how to tailor my communications to my audience. This skill that serves me so well during the day time is a HUGE problem when I'm writing. I need to shake off the images of my family and friends who might be reading my stuff and just write what I want to. When I look back on my old blog posts, when I was young and dumb and didn't care about my professional persona, I see how fearless I used to be when just laying it out there. Not so much any more.
4. I could have one place where I could completely be myself...by using another name. The irony (and ACTUAL irony--not just Alanis Morrisette kind of irony) of having to use a pseudonym to completely be myself is not lost on me. It just shows me even more clearly what I've always known. There is a work me. There is a writer me. There is an at-home me. Two of the three can be together in the same room, but never all three at the same time. 

I may never make it as a writer, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to stop trying. What do you think? AM I crazy?

The Lazy Must End Someday, Might As Well Be Today

This pretty much sums up my attitude lately.

I realized this morning that I've been very lazy lately. I probably realized it a while back, but was completely unmotivated to do anything about it. Which really perpetuated my laziness.

Luckily, I'm not work lazy. When I'm there, I get shit done. But because I am productive at work, I use that as an excuse to be unproductive everywhere else. So I get home, run a few flights of stairs to meet my fitbit goal and then try to figure out what is the absolute least I can do to eat dinner. Oddly enough that has not meant fast food (that would require getting my car and leaving my apartment, both of which I'm too lazy to do) or cereal. Typically it means leftovers. Which is kind of a contradiction because leftovers imply that I was at one time in the not so distant past NOT too lazy to cook.

Another sign of my laziness, is my hitting of the snooze button. I never really do it. I don't typically believe that an extra 30 minutes or so of fitful sleep will make me any better off, but again, I've been too lazy to get up on the first try.

But today I decided to get off my lazy ass and start being productive outside of my day job. I did not, however, decide that until after I had hit the snooze button this morning. But nonetheless, the thought counts. I got home and did not watch a minute of TV until 8:30 when I sat down to dinner. Instead I not only ran my allotted stairs, but also did a toning routine. Then I made dinner, prepped lunch tomorrow, and roasted kale. As a side note on the kale, whoever says it tastes like chips clearly has never eaten chips.  I mean, it will do in a pinch for a quick hit of veggie vitamins, but roasted kale is not giving Lay's a run for its money.

In between all the kitchen maneuvers, I also did three loads of laundry, wrote on my book and am typing out this blog post. I plan on not hitting the snooze button ONCE tomorrow. And hopefully propelling this momentum for another day.

Except tomorrow instead of laundry, it's gonna be writing time. Today clean clothes, tomorrow clean soul.

You Say You Want A Resolution. . .

I'm posting another reflective piece because it's that reflective time of year. I mean is there really any other time of year, other than perhaps a birthday or anniversary, that brings out the mushy "What is life really about?" thoughts? I didn't think so. I'm not immune.

I also have a thing about not making resolutions, because nobody keeps them. And I'm not really breaking that rule this year. Mostly because I broke that rule last year and promised all these update posts, but didn't follow through. I didn't follow through for a couple of reasons. 1) update posts are good for me, but really boring blog posts unless I get creative with them 2) I don't think it's helpful to obsess over how many days I'm over or under my daily calorie allotment. At least not in public. I can keep those convos in my inner monologue.

I will, however, start breaking my larger goals into smaller ones and if they're interesting enough, I'll share. If they're boring and personal, I'll spare you the details. But looking back over last year, I have to say that I'm proud of a few accomplishments: 1) I made better use of my time. This meant that I gave up a nice job with good pay that ate at 3 hours of my personal time every day for a long commute.  But in helped with 2) Making a big dream come true. I have always wanted to work in an agency with a big brand and I'm working with a great, international agency on the  McDonald's brand. People love it or hate it or deny they eat there, but I love working on the brand. It is FASCINATING to see how a company can grow to be one of the top 10 biggest brands IN THE WORLD in my parent's lifetime. Truly been a blast to work on. 3) Write more. I made a big breakthrough on the never-ending project of a novel that has lead me to rewrite most of it and add a bunch to it. It's been excruciating, but here's the good part: I love writing it. Clearly I want to finish it, but before I had dreaded sitting down to write it and now I love it. It's been a blast and already I'm excited to start writing other things. But first things first. I'm determined to get this puppy done. Or at least the most done I can let it be before moving on because I've come to terms with knowing that it may never be complete in my eyes.

With those accomplishments behind me, I look forward to 2013. As I said, I hate making resolutions, so what I have below are goals. Some of them I've already started on weeks ago. Some I will start tomorrow or in coming days. None will begin today. That's my way of wiggling out the resolution thing. All of which will need my "Follow Through" theme to move forward. So here goes:

1) Concentrate on being well. This is intentionally vague. I want to concentrate on my health--not only my weight, but any lingering ailments that need attention. I want to renew my love of being active (which I hope my new Fitbit will help with), renew my belief that paying attention to what I eat makes me feel better. I want to stretch my arthritic hips, soothe any lingering emotional pains and try to continually remember that putting others before myself does not make me selfless. It is just the easy way to put myself second.

         1a) Don't say 'skinny' when I mean 'healthy,' and vice versa. 

2) Write daily. The only way to  be a better writer is to write more and read more. I read plenty. I love reading. This has been a passion that has never and will never die. But I have learned that writing even when I don't want to has made me love it even more. So I've literally taken away every excuse that I can to not write. I have access to all my files at home and work and anywhere (Thank you, Google Docs). I have an app on the iPad that can access and connect with Google Docs better than their mobile interface (which really does suck) and I have an actual notebook with various musings, novel chapters, lists, and notes that I carry with me everyday, as well as a small notebook in my purse. No excuses. A word counts. Sometimes the first word is the most excruciating.

3) Be a better blogger.  There never has been a theme to this blog nor do I intend on implementing one other than Ashley's random thoughts. But I will be more random, more honest, more consistent. Or I will pack it in. It's time to get serious or get going.

       3a) I will try at least one thing a month that will help improve my blog in some way. First stop, a content  calendar. It's super sad that I've made at least two professional blogs for clients or companies I've worked for successful and have yet to implement the things that made them a success into my own blog.

4) Try new things. Again, purposefully vague, but I will make a concentrated effort to eat new things, drink new things, do new things, see new things and meet new people in 2013.

     4a) Try new things from Pinterest at least once a week. I'm pinning up a storm lately and will try new things that I've seen there. If they work, I'll let you know. If they fail, I'll take pictures. Either way, it'll be fun.

So that's it. 2013 will be a year of being well, writing daily, blogging better and trying new things. All of which will take a good bit of follow through.

What are your big plans for 2013?

Dear Santa 2.0

I have no real reason to write to you. Not that I don't believe, but because there really isn't anything that I truly need. And while I can't say that I was entirely naughty this year, I can't claim that I was entirely nice either. I'm sure that cancels out somewhere in your listing-making capabilities, but I've never really understood how your system worked. I mean I knew some bitches who were spoiled by Santa so I found your methods a little flawed. I hate to criticize, but I'm also fairly certain that you grade on a curve so I'm not that scared any more. Maybe that's why you've given all those Elves on the Shelf their power. You need an enforcer to intimidate the children into good behavior. That's just not your strong suit, but it is a good use of management skills.

In any case, there really isn't anything that I need. We have our health, our home, full bellies, and no real worries. If there's such a thing as bequeathing my list fulfillment to someone else, please do so. If not, here's my ridiculous list for 2012 (also known as Holiday Spirit Quest item #24).

1. For my wishes to be bequeathed to someone who really needs some Christmas cheer.If you won't do # 1, then here's my list:
2. For the cats to adjust their bodies to want food at a more reasonable hour in the morning, like 6 a.m. when I normally wake up instead of 4:30 a.m. They really know how to mess with my sleep pattern.
3. If you can't fulfill #2, how about giving me the ability to sleep like the dead so that when the little munchkins start their stirring around me, I am not affected. 
4. Adjacent to #3, I ask to have legs of ice so that when Attila curls up next to me to sleep with his thousand degree body, my legs don't suffer third degree burns.
5. A fitbit and the ability to be motivated by it as I have been less than motivated in the last week to do much more than power walk in the mornings and lazily count my calories. Neither of which has motivated me to change my ways.
6. Momentum-building upon my motivation to finish my novel. The first one has to get finished before I can start on the next one that's in my head. Plus I need to feel that sense of accomplishment at finishing something that seemed like it would never get done. 
7. More LA friends and the desire to want to leave the house to see them. I actually made some headway on this this year, but I still have to really really like someone to leave my husband to go hang out with them. I'm sure that says something wonderful about my marriage and something equally bad about my anti-social behavior.
8. For my hairdresser to continue at least doing my hair even though she's officially quitting hair to be a paralegal. I wish her well and luck and will happily support her education with hefty tips if she'll continue to keep my "auburn" locks a shade that seems plausible in nature.
9. For the Colts to win a playoff game. If that's too much to ask for this year, I then ask that the New England Patriots and Tom Brady do not get another Superbowl ring. Or that Peyton Manning wins another Superbowl. I'm really not that picky as long as it's some combination thereof. 
10. Since I'm talking sports, I would be remiss if I didn't thank you for last year's early present of Christian Watford's 3-point basket for the win over Kentucky last year. I will not use this space to ask for anything for my beloved Hoosiers as they're just really fun to watch this year and I don't want to taint it too much with lofty, near-impossible expectations. I just want to enjoy a successful season.
11. One more night of debauchery with my oldest friends. I know that this is probably not going to keep me off the naughty list for the coming year, but it would totally be worth it. Not that I really want to relive my youth, because it was nice while it lasted, but I'm okay with it being over. What I would like to do is get Brooke, Lara, Anne, Amanda and Schultz together at someone's house or with a hired driver or both for one epic expenses-paid all-nighter. This doesn't mean drunkenness, but more great food, good spirits, some karaoke, and a night of no worries--no kids, no husbands, no curfews. One of the bummers of not having a formal wedding (and there really wasn't a lot of down side) was that there was no big excuse to bring all the girls back together. 
12. For the perfect red lipstick that compliments my skin tone and makes my mouth pop while staying only on my lips and not outside the lines. I would prefer not to look like Ronald McDonald.
13. The ability to eat candy corn and sweet tarts by the handful without any caloric effect.
14. To finally be able to make a suitable roux to make homemade macaroni and cheese that turns out smooth and delicious instead of having a slightly floury after taste. 
15. To be motivated and willing to actually use the beach chairs we have stored in the closet a few times this year without feeling like it's too much of a hassle.
16. To only use Pinterest for good and not evil.
17. The ability to continue to squeal with delight when I have those moments where I can't believe someone so cute and funny and wonderful chose me. 
18. To have more moments when I remember why someone so cute and funny and wonderful chose me. (It's because I can be awesome. And awful. But more awesome. At least I'd like to think).
19. To do something fearless this year and feel good about it no matter the outcome. 
20. Is my list starting to look more like resolutions, Santa? Sorry about that. I resolve to be more on point. I mean, I would like for you to give me succinctness and the ability to digress less.

Happy Holidays, Santa. I have baked many cookies for your visit, but sadly have eaten most of them. There is, however, plenty of broccoli and salad for your reindeer. Haven't touched that stuff lately. And help yourself to Chef's Egg Nog. Unless that would put me on the naughty list, in which case I say hands off.

Safe Travels and Merry Christmas (and to everyone that's reading this too!),
Ashley

Pizza Slut, Vampires, Stuffed Animals and Succulents

Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, on
the left, Soleil Moon Frye on the right
(Man scratching his head-dead center)

I spent the weekend carbo-loading. Not for any particular reason other than I had a heart-to-heart with myself last week and decided that my skin, hair, body and clothes were telling me one thing: I needed to try harder. It's not my full effort and without that, I can't depend on my best results.

So between my gorging of all things baked, fried or just plain delicious and shopping at various nurseries for Chef's new love of gardening, I got my car fixed (kind of. The damn tire pressure sensor was off for half a day and then came back on which sent me over the edge in a fit of fury), added red to my head, got my hands and feet all pretty in coral, and saw Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, being interviewed by Soleil Moon Frye (aka Punky Brewster).

Chef was gracious enough to go with me to the Bloggess event (book reading, signing and interview thingy) even though he wasn't totally into it. I could tell because he was looking up gardening stuff most of the time. However, I enjoyed it, although there was a lady there who blogged in the voice of her stuffed sheep which kind of creeped me out. The Bloggess is delightfully dirty and odd, but that was a little odd, even for me. Also, Stephanie Meyer, author of the Twilight series, was in the crowd in cognito. I remember seeing her at the time, but didn't put two and two together. As is the case when you're still reeling in laughter from a story about an at-home cleanse using ex-lax and a question from a lady that came through the voice of the stuffed goat she blogs through (FYI- the goat was not full size, but rather a small hand-held goat. If it had been full-sized, I think I would've been less confused. Maybe.)

After that, I helped pick out two plants that I wanted because they were pretty and made me happy. Then I decided that I needed to concentrate on making myself happy, in various ways. I bought a book of writing prompts, read about 100 magazines that had been piling up, and decided to get my ass back in gear. Again. YES AGAIN. I work out now and count calories, but I haven't been super strict about my diet in a while. And while I haven't eaten an entire box of TGIFriday's potato skins and an entire DiGiorno pepperoni pizza (that may have happened in the past, I'm just saying), I also haven't stuck to lean proteins, restricted carbs (my love for which can only be topped by my love for Chef and our cats, most of the time), and eaten fruits and veggies. So back to the original diet plan it goes. I even had Chef buy my old protein shakes when he went to the grocery store. I had a French Vanilla EAS CarbAdvantedge (yes, it's spelled like that) this afternoon for my "high-protein" snack. And tomorrow, I go on a cleanse. We'll see how that goes.

Hunger Games: Not So Much A Winner

The Hunger Games: Not
so much a winner

Like half the known world, I was excited for The Hunger Games to come out this past weekend. I knew it was going to be popular, so I went ahead and hedged my bets and got Chef and I sinner showing tickets. It was still pretty full for 10:15 on a Sunday morning. We went to ArcLight Hollywood and sat in the Dome, which apparently didn't open until 10 a.m. so there were a lot of people in the cold, rain waiting for the damn doors to open. In defense of the theater, it's not cold and rainy enough in LA to think ahead on that one, but I digress.

I may be the only person in the world that didn't like The Hunger Games. Let me rephrase that: Chef and I may be the only people in the world that didn't like The Hunger Games. Look, I realize that movies based on books rarely live up the books, but I also curb my expectation to match that reality. It'll never be as good in my head as on the screen. And I'm okay with that. But this wasn't just that.

Also, I like taking Chef to movies based off books because chances are good that I've read the books and he hasn't. So, there's a fresh perspective from someone else on why things did or didn't work out in the movie when they are clearly explained in the book. Here are some of my top highlights of things that aren't placed in any sort of context in The Hunger Games (movie):

• Why Peeta was partnered with the careers in the beginning
• Why Katniss plays up the romance with Peeta during the Games (it was there, but not explained enough where Chef knew why)
• The names, stories or any kind of way to identify the other tributes (other than Rue). The name "foxface is literally uttered one time. Cato gets like 3-4 mentions. We could've gotten this with a creatively written montage of their pre-game interviews, but we didn't.
• Why we should care about Rue. I cried in the theater but only because I knew the book version when Katniss was thinking of Prim as Rue. 
• Any of the other stylists, and some significant time with Cinna.
• Any kind of fear of Snow. 
• What the hell each of the districts produces
• Why the Capitol is so rich (this gets brushed over).

There's more, but honestly it just makes me sad. I realize there's a challenge when the book is written in first person and half the movie takes place in a world where you can't really say your inner monologue aloud because the world is listening, but come on. The script just didn't work for me. They could've cut at least one uttering of "May the odds be ever in your favor" with some actual dialogue that moved the story forward. It could've been done. It just wasn't.

It doesn't make me exceptionally hopefully for the next two movies. Chef said "Was the first the worst of the books?"  No, it was the best. "Oh, I was hoping maybe they had better source material for the next ones."

Yup, that about explains it. 

A Little Goes a Long Way

There are few things better in my book than the daydream. Being able to zone out for a moment (or sometimes longer) to picture yourself where you might not be able to without a little imagination. Sometimes my daydreams are about jobs I'd love to be in or things I want to achieve or, probably a little more sadly, about things I might buy for myself or others when I get the wealth that comes along with the things I want to achieve. (Hello Louboutins). Sometimes it's just a few moments to let my mind wander to what my book characters would be doing or saying or dreaming about themselves.

But one thing that helps make those daydreams that much sweeter is the possibility that they'll come true. Maybe I'll finish the book and people will love it. And it'll get published and I'll feel the glow of authorship. Maybe I will get a pair of Louboutins without my Midwestern guilt kicking in when I think of how many regular pairs of shoes I could buy with the same amount of money.

The one thing that makes a daydream better is hope. Isn't amazing how a little hope, the thought that life doesn't always have to be the way it is OR that life can be just the way it is for a while longer, can carry you through so much? And I don't necessarily mean the type of hope that carries religious connotations, but just regular, secular hope. The realization that things can change at any moment. That there are very few things that can't be achieved if you don't give up.

When I think of this, I think of a story Chef told me recently when I was lacking some hope. It was about Alan Rickman (aka Severus Snape). Rickman had a successful graphic design business that he sold to make a go at acting. He was doing fairly well in theater productions in London and got great acclaim for a role in a production called  Les Liaisons Dangereuses. The play was a huge hit and lots of the actors got to reprise their roles in the Hollywood version. Except for Rickman. When Dangerous Liaisons came out as a movie, his role was given to John Malkovich. BUT the work got him noticed and eventually landed him his break out role in Die Hard. He "broke out" at 42, after 10 years of hard work.  


And that's why I am determined not to give up hope. Because my daydreams might not come to fruition for a long time. Maybe never, but whose to say that what I can imagine is even as good as what'll end up happening. Just have to hope....and work really hard. 

Failure or New Opportunity?

Birthday cupcakes (not all 6 but still)
definitely played into my downfall!

I hate failing. In fact, someone once said they thought I had a fear of it. Maybe I do, I'm not sure, but whether I fear it or not, I've certainly done my fair share. The latest failure: January's goals. Not all of them, but certainly my weight loss experiment with The Firm Express.

I have done every workout in the series. I did not, however, do them in the correct order or 3 times a week. I also blew off my diet for a few weeks. Argh. At one point, I had lost 7 pounds during the month due to the exercise and since put about half of it back on. That's what I get for indulging in birthday, Superbowl and Valentine's day celebrations. And mostly just not paying attention to what I was eating well enough.

I heard a stat once that said it took the average person six attempts to quit smoking. I think that number is probably double or triple for lifestyle changes. So instead of wallowing in misery or failure, I'm going to try again. And maybe this time I'll start wearing incredibly tight pants and belts to make myself uncomfortable enough to stop putting food in my face.

This week:

• Days per month that I worked on my novel: 15/15 (not sucking on this one!)
• Calories burned per week: 1550 (a pound is 3500)
• Weight loss/gain since last posted result: +3 lb.
• Cumulative loss/ gain: -3 lbs.

Nakedness---on my Garlic Chicken

Garlic Chicken minus the sauce

I'm trying. Even if I am eating out, I'm still trying to make better choices. As evidence, the picture to the left.  That's what Chinese food looks like when you take the sauce off. It's garlic chicken -- steamed goodness. Add some soup and yes, an eggroll and BAM! You knock some off the calories and still get a good lip tingle from the spice. 


But it's just another day in the battle of the bulge. Chinese food and The Firm, Project Runway: All-Stars on the DVR and Chef to keep me company. Not a shabby Friday night.


This week:

• Days per week that I worked on my novel: 9 for 9 since my last update
• Calories burned per week: 2700 (a pound is 3500)
• Days per week at or under my daily calorie goal: 3 (can't count today yet)
• Weight loss/gain: -1.4 lbs.
• Cumulative loss/ gain: -5 lbs.

Reuniting with Some Old Friends (Or Habits)

Sunny and 80 in LA

When you start doing something again that you haven't done in a while, it's probably a good idea to do what you did that made you successful in the first place. Long story short: I'm eating and doing some of the things I used to when I was losing weight.

With that as the case, today I had Kashi's Mayan Harvest Bake lunch for the first time in at least a year. I forgot how much I loved that lunch. And how much I love plantains. I'm a sucker for a plantain. I order them every time I see them on the menu. Seriously cannot help but order them. Which is weird to me because they're really similar to a banana but I never order banana stuff in restaurants. Odd.

Anyway, the picture was from another daily walk that is helping in more than just exercise. It's nice on days when I eat at the office to just get outside for a few minutes (especially because I'm window deficient) and remember that I live in California. Where it's 80 degrees on the 4th day of January. I need to take advantage of that every day and not just on my days off.

Even though it hasn't been a full week, here are my goal updates (my first for 2012):

• Days per week that I worked on my novel: 4 for 4 this week
• Calories burned per week: 1411 (a pound is 3500)
• Days per week at or under my daily calorie goal: 3 (can't count today yet)
• Weight loss/gain: -3.6