A Gross Post-- You've been warned

I was thinking about this yesterday and to be honest many times before but I've never expressed it. It probably doesn't need to be expressed, but frankly I don't care.

I'm currently in day two of an Internet cleanse. I'm sure it's total bullshit, but I'm sucked in. It is only supposed to help flush the system and shed bloat, not actual ponds. The fact that that is the only claim it makes actually makes me feel like it might be legit. You drink 60 oz of a water, dandelion root tea, cranberry juice and lemon juice mixture. Then you pee like crazy. And because I am already a water drinker AND a massive pee-er, it's making things interesting.

The dandelion root is a mild diuretic, so you drink this, it flushes water retention, and you shed some water weight. You still eat your normal diet, so there's no starving. Literally just flushing the system AND the toilet for the 20 times a day I'm peeing, but hey, at least I'm adding steps to my pedometer. I'm totally down for that because I was puffier than normal last week.This could all be psychosomatic, but  I did shed almost two pounds in 24 hours, which is not like me.

But that's not that gross. What this mild cleanse has me thinking about is a much larger, more in-depth cleanse. I want to swallow the liquid version of a pipe cleaner and clean my insides out. Has anyone else had this desire or I'm a just being weird? I want to try and get anything that's backed up in my colon out. Like those people who do those intense cleanses and then photograph their long, nasty fecal movements that look like snake skins with plasma attached to them.

I want to have photo-worthy bowel movements, and then have Chef had to talk sense into my so I don't post them to the blog because that would just be crazy.

Basically, I'd like to internally clean house and start over again. Who's with me?

Remember When: Musings from the Internet's Infancy

I just finished a good ole hot pink book from the era when I read them a little more religiously (aka before I was with Chef and therefore loved reading about neurotic women pining away in unrequited love while Mr. Perfect was right there the whole time. Now I read about murder, acid-throwing and war.) I picked it up because it used to be one of my faves: Jemima J by Jane Green. It was her first book and she's now gone on to write a shit ton more.

The first time I read the book was back when it came out--13 years ago. A few things have changed since then: I met Chef (online), I lost weight, I moved to Nashville and then LA, and the world became more technologically savvy. Why does all that matter?

The book is about a girl who loses a ton of weight, dates a guy online, goes to LA to live with him, and then finds the man of her dreams was not all she thought he was. Minus the last part, that was pretty much a snippet of my life.

But anyway, the funny part is reading about online dating in 2000. They use a dial-up connection at her job to get online. They were sent to class at the beginning to learn about the Internet. No one used email in the workplace. No one carried cell phones. The journalists in the book used FAXES to confirm interviews. I have never worked in an era where email wasn't the norm in an office.

All of which got me thinking, remember when the Internet was scary?

I remember when Internet dating was so taboo that when I told my friends I was doing it, they were a little worried that I might end up cut into tiny pieces and found in a garbage bag on the road somewhere. (In their defense, I did end up meeting a lot of weird dudes--and one awesome one.) I chatted with these guys using AOL Instant Messenger and was on the Internet for hours because I only had dial-up in my first apartment. I didn't download music because it took too long to get a song.

And remember when we all had different names for the various online identities we had because were too afraid to use our real names on the Internet. Here are some of the online monikers that I used to employ:
PepperClark (my dog's name and my middle name),  PepperCrtr (my dog's name and Crtr was for Carter, as in Nick Carter, as in the obsession of the moment-- BSB was big back and I was a fan, okay?), ClarkCrtr, and CricketClark (other dog's name and middle name). I chatted online to people with names like noname123, TigrRoar2000, and HoosierDaddy0367.

In fact, when I started my blog Chef was called Chef because he didn't want me to use his real name online. Now everyone is pretty transparent about what they're doing on the Internet. I'm not sure that's entirely a good or bad thing, but it's interesting, nonetheless. It feels like that feeling of "Isn't that quaint?" that used to take years or generations to happen is now happening on a monthly basis. "Oh you use Snapchat? you should try Facebook Poke."

Sometimes I wish it would slow down a little. Maybe I'm getting old, but I long to use a typewriter again. I had one growing up and love the "click click click" of the keys. But I guess now I could just download an app for the sound effect. If we're still using apps, or keyboards or sound effects when you are reading this.

If The Grocery Store were like the Internet

These commercials cracked me up so I thought I'd share.


 and what happens when you search. . .

 

Sometimes the Internet is Not a Good Thing

Last week I had a face to face chat with one of my favorite out of town co-workers (shout out to you, E) who was telling me of her latest (and first) encounter with a flying squirrel. I, being naive that I am, thought that flying squirrels were a made-up breed of squirrel that were only useful for cartoon makers. However, she enlightened me.

Flying squirrel lovers (aka flyers--which is also the name for cheerleaders who are at the top of pyramids) have close relationships to the animals that feed and breed in the same place for generations. I admit that there's a cool factor to having a pet that flies without being caged and will be loyal for years. Plus no litter box--another plus (sometimes I can convince myself I'm an archaeologist sifting for treasures and other times there's no escaping that I'm scooping poop).

Then as she was chatting came out the words that raised a thousand questions that I knew would never be answered. So, you're warned that by reading the following you will have to live without knowing WHY. Okay, you're warned.

On a web site for Flyer Lovers, there was a list of things that make you a Flyer Lover. One of them read: "You know you're a flyer lover if you let your Flyer pee in your bra just to be closer to your Flyer."

Yup, you read that right. Pee. Bra. Flying Squirrel. Willing Participation from a human.

There are days when I am thankful for all that the Internet has brought into my life and the ease of which information can be found. And then there's rodent urination in human undergarments.

I'm just saying.

However, despite my wonder, I am forever thankful for the nugget of information and more thankful for the wonderful person that shared it with me.