And I Was Full

The last few weeks have been a struggle. For months I would start each week with that high ambition of making it "the week" that I get back on the wagon of watching what I ate religiously. And by about 3 p.m. Monday afternoon, there would be a bag of gummi bears on my desk.

For some reason, I just couldn't feel satisfied. I don't want to blame it on stress or being busy because I can't think of a person on Earth, who doesn't have those two words and all the feelings around them to justify any poor behavior. Something felt off and different. I didn't seem to be eating all that much more, but weight kept creeping on and for about three weeks I lost the feeling of fullness. It seemed like I could push myself to eat steadily without that feeling that prompts me to stop.

But the real motivation came when I was in the bathroom and closed a drawer on my stomach while leaned over the counter to do my makeup. It's pretty embarrassing to admit. I mean, I have typed a novel with my boobs without even knowing it (busty women out there can feel me on that one), but I've never closed a drawer on my stomach. Here's the scary part: I didn't feel it or realize it until I leaned back. I probably shouldn't admit that but let's just put you all in the frame of mind that I was dealing with when I decided enough was enough.

I knew I had to get a handle on things quickly. I didn't want to end up where I was at about seven years ago when I started my first weight loss adventure. I couldn't wait until I was well over 200 lbs before I righted the ship.

Plus I had enough encouragement from Chef telling me that he thought I had a slow metabolism because I wasn't eating that much. Maybe I wanted some validation, so I decided to go to a doctor and see what I could find out. I had a bunch of tests and it turns out the news was reassuring but also kinda crappy: turns out my metabolism burns about 450 calories less per day than it should.

The doctor asked if I had tried Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig or anything else. In fact, WW was the last thing that I had tried about 2 years ago and it wasn't really effective--because even at the lower calorie intake, it wasn't low enough to overcome the 450 calorie deficit that my metabolism was bringing to the table.

I'm now working to "reset" my metabolism and am on a protein and plant-based plan to help drop some lbs again. I know and always know that battling the bulge will be a lifelong struggle for me, but knowing that doesn't make it suck any less.

Wish me luck. . .again.

Things that Don't Get Easier The More You Do Them

Some days deserve a French Fry
happy ending.

There's a big myth that I used to subscribe to that things get easier the more you do them. The older I've gotten the more I realize that this blanket statement relates to a LOT of things in life, but certainly not everything. So I started thinking. . .what are things that don't get easier the more you do them:

• Doctors appointments
• Bikini waxes
• Writing a novel
• Colts and/or Hoosiers losses (particularly in the playoffs, Super Bowl or NCAA tournament)
• Bathing cats
• Pitching stories to journalists that your client/co-worker/sponsor expects to see place and you know you don't have a shot in hell (clearly, that's PR specific)
• Exercise--yes, technically it exerts you less the more you do it, but it's still hard to want to do it. AND if you skip a few days, it's almost like starting back at square one, which doesn't seem fair.
• Diets-duh
• Calculus- this could just be me, but I despite my B, I never did get Calculus. 
• Watching bad stand-up comedy--particularly in person

What would you add to the list?

** Despite the fact that I'm not advertising McDonald's, I am required to mention that I work with the brand. They are a client. (Yes, I'm very lucky). I will also testify, which MANY people can back up, that my love of the McDonald's french fry goes back longer than my current job. Because they rock my socks off. 

What Are You Gearing Up For?

I can't decide if these books
make me want to set a new
reading goal or a goal around
clutter for 2014. 

Only a few more days before the new year begins. I always get really excited at the new year. Mostly because I like the idea that things can change in a year. That hard work can make dreams happen. It's the wholesome American Midwest in me that likes to believe that working hard is rewarded. 

So I'm gearing up for what I'm going to concentrate on next year. This year I wanted to be well, write daily, try new things and be a better blogger. For the most part, I kept those resolutions. The end result is (the past week--okay, month--aside on the health part) has been more blog traffic lately (funny how that happens when you actually post more than 1-2 times a month), a solid draft on the novel plus several new stories and outlines for future stories, a fairly consistent running schedule, and an indoor skydiving experience under my belt, among other things. 

So now I'm thinking, what next? I will have a goal around writing, one around reading, one around my health for shiz, and then something else. It will have to be realistic, but maybe this time I'll start backwards. I'll start with what I want to have accomplished at the end of next year and then work backward on what it'll take to get me there. 

What are you preparing for in 2014? Any big goals on the horizon?

My Magic Number

Remember when you were a child and your parents would insist you "say the magic word" and then you'd say "please" in a sing-songy voice like they'd just pulled a string on your back. Whatever you wanted would suddenly happen because of that magic word.

My magic number is kind of like that, but only in that it spurs action. My magic number is a weight that I hit that literally and figuratively hits me in the gut until my spontaneous reactions are guilt and shame. . .and exercise.

Last week, I hit my magic number. I'm sure other people have their own magic numbers. Especially if you've ever lost weight before. I vowed while in the middle of the struggle that I'd never weigh over XXX lbs again  but that number slid up 5 lbs or so when I decided that my apathy was overtaking my need to look decent in clothing.

However, the aforementioned guilt and shame mixed with a pre-work breakdown while selecting an outfit that seemed to look better just a few weeks ago was enough for me to REALLY start logging my calories again in myfitnesspal. Not the fake logging that I do where I start the day strong, but by 3 p.m. conveniently get temporary amnesia about my mid-afternoon M&M gorge or that Venti (which I swear is Italian for BIG ASS) latte with SUGAR! and a side of extra sugar.

The magic number has been hit and my apathy has instantly turned into action. Calories are watched closer than Kim Kardashian by the paparazzi! The gym is left with the funky combination of my morning breath from my panting and my sweat.

And in a few months, the work will payoff. It has before. It will again. Except maybe this time I'll drop my magic number by 15 lbs so I don't let it get this far.

Remind me that I said that in a year when I'm reaching for another cupcake.

"Is this Diet?": My Eternal Struggle

I knew the water was "diet," but
the fountain drink? Argh.

I have an addiction. On the scale of all addictions, it's on the lower end, but it's mine and therefore it clearly matters to me.

My name is Ashley and I'm addicted to cola products.

For those of you who actually know me, this is not a surprise at all. I am rarely at a meal without bubbles tickling my nose. I say "cola products" or "frosty carbonated beverages" but my tastes are fairly consistent. I prefer the diet variety. Diet Dr. Pepper, Coke Zero, Diet Coke, Diet Mountain Dew, all are acceptable. I have my preferences, but in a pinch, I'll even drink a Diet Pepsi. Usually with a sneer after I've had the following conversation with a waiter or waitress.

Me: I'll have a Diet Coke.

Waiter/waitress: We serve Pepsi products. Is that okay?

Me: Not really. Do you have Diet Mountain Dew?

Waiter/waitress: No. We have Diet Pepsi.

Me: Ugh. Fine. Okay. I'll take it.

And I drink it nonetheless. Don't think that my cola consumption is exclusive. Frankly, I'm just a regularly thirsty girl. The hypochondriac in me will wonder if I've got diabetes, but then I get my blood sugar taken and I don't. I even make a deal with myself that I can't have a cola until I've had at least 32 oz of water in the morning. This usually happens. Less so on the weekends.

All this to get say that I'm fairly attuned to the taste of colas and I got one today from the McDonald's across from work. McDonald's fountain drinks are the best. They're like the absolutely best way to drink a soda. I'd say that even if they weren't a client. In fact, I think I have. Anyway, a few sips in and I'm starting to panic "Is this diet?". I don't drink calories unless it's a spinach smoothie, so this is really gripping me.

Of course, it's either go without or down the drink that may or may not be diet, so I did what any addict would do: drank the thing and lived in denial.

Drinking My Spinach

Today I decided to finally jump on the smoothie train. Mostly because I found one for a peanut butter banana smoothie that also included 4 cups of spinach. I love most kinds of greens, but spinach is not my favorite, so if I could get it without tasting it, BOOM! 

So I plucked out the 43 year old blender and went to town. Chef decided he wanted to try one too. I have to say, it was delicious. And what makes a smoothie taste better than Wonder Woman? I knew that I would need a cup with a straw for it and stopped by Target for one. There was a boring plain old one or one with a Wonder Woman wrap. I think my choice was obvious.

Gotta say that I'm gonna have to try more smoothies. Chef was also down for this one and more. Got any good recipes?

A Gross Post-- You've been warned

I was thinking about this yesterday and to be honest many times before but I've never expressed it. It probably doesn't need to be expressed, but frankly I don't care.

I'm currently in day two of an Internet cleanse. I'm sure it's total bullshit, but I'm sucked in. It is only supposed to help flush the system and shed bloat, not actual ponds. The fact that that is the only claim it makes actually makes me feel like it might be legit. You drink 60 oz of a water, dandelion root tea, cranberry juice and lemon juice mixture. Then you pee like crazy. And because I am already a water drinker AND a massive pee-er, it's making things interesting.

The dandelion root is a mild diuretic, so you drink this, it flushes water retention, and you shed some water weight. You still eat your normal diet, so there's no starving. Literally just flushing the system AND the toilet for the 20 times a day I'm peeing, but hey, at least I'm adding steps to my pedometer. I'm totally down for that because I was puffier than normal last week.This could all be psychosomatic, but  I did shed almost two pounds in 24 hours, which is not like me.

But that's not that gross. What this mild cleanse has me thinking about is a much larger, more in-depth cleanse. I want to swallow the liquid version of a pipe cleaner and clean my insides out. Has anyone else had this desire or I'm a just being weird? I want to try and get anything that's backed up in my colon out. Like those people who do those intense cleanses and then photograph their long, nasty fecal movements that look like snake skins with plasma attached to them.

I want to have photo-worthy bowel movements, and then have Chef had to talk sense into my so I don't post them to the blog because that would just be crazy.

Basically, I'd like to internally clean house and start over again. Who's with me?

Why Am I Reinventing the Wheel? (Or using tired cliches?)

This was under the lid of a box of
mini-pies I bought last week. 

My experiment in trying all new healthy recipes hit a snag last week that lead to my downfall. I had three bad recipes in row which in my head gave me a legitimate reason to give up and order a Domino's Bread Bowl--which is the ultimate in nasty carb overload. I've also been a touch down which again lead to the carb chowdown.

I was thinking about where I went wrong and then I realized that I'm not new to this. I've lost weight before and I will lose weight again. I took a step back and thought: What were the habits I had when I successful in losing weight? What made it seem not so hard back then? And so, now I'm gonna write them down here and make the commitment to replicate them for a month to see how I do. Here goes:

• Track--truthfully--every calorie I consume
• Don't beat myself up about a bad meal--just don't let one meal turn into a day or a week or a month. 
• Eat things I love. Just healthier versions. If I don't say NO to anything in particular then I'm not really denying myself. I just need to eat better versions.
• Eat at least 3 fruits and veggies a day. (Yes, I know it's a 5 a day limit, but I've always been behind on that one).
• Mix up the exercise. Do a regular bout of cardio (running, walking, elliptical) each day and some weight training or other exercises at least 3 times a week. 
• Limit my alcohol.
• Look at menus of where I'm planning on eating before I go out so that I can make my healthy choice before I walk through the door. 
• Eat 5 times a day--3 meals and two small snacks. 
• Weight myself only twice a week. (not daily. yes, I'm that neurotic)

So that's it. These were the things that helped me do well before. They helped me focus on gaining healthy habits and not just on weight loss. They made being healthier easier and fun. And I didn't dread what I was supposed to be eating. 

Splenda Didn't Give My Mom Cancer. Her Boobs Did.

Suck it, smug lady.

Why do people care what I eat? Or what any stranger eats for that matter? There are so few things that people truly can control, and for the majority of people in the US, food is one of those things. I'm fairly certain a look at our waistlines might show that our decisions aren't always the best, but can we pick the major battle to win first?

Here's my point: I have struggled mightily with eating my entire life and have come to terms that I will never conquer this beast. When it goes out of control, I shamefully eat whole loaves of bread dipped in vats of olive oil and Spike seasoning (which if you haven't tried is awesome--for seasoning with or without massive amounts of olive oil). After this consumption, I go into a shame spiral which then triggered me to eat an entire roll of chocolate chip cookie dough (yes, I was that cliched). Eventually ending at 220+ pounds with at least five of that coming from wine and cocktails. Then I mustered up the energy to care about myself and set off to eat well. 

Here's the kicker: Even when I was overweight and eating fruit, people STILL felt the need to comment on my food. 

"Aren't you avoiding carbs? You should be avoiding carbs. That fruit has carbs."

Are you kidding me? Fruit carbs were the LEAST of my worries. I wanted to have people take pictures of me actually eating fruit just to document the occasion. (Side note to the whole Atkins craze: I had an acquaintance in college who wouldn't eat plain breadsticks because they were loaded with carbs, but WOULD eat cheesesticks, because the cheese "negated the bread underneath." I shit you not. That was her argument and 30 minutes of arguing could not shake her belief. Did I mention she was going to college to supposedly learn something? Clearly not a Dietetics majors.)

First it was the snootiness around Atkins. Now it's Frankenfoods and organics in general. I completely respect someone's right to want to control what goes in their body. As a person who uses any healthy method I can to get to a healthy weight, I'm not going to judge the quality of someone's fruit or if they choose to buy ready made salad mix or non-organic, non-soy REAL  DAIRY  milk.  I appreciate the fact that they're trying. 

Can we keep our comments about other people's food to ourselves? I sincerely doubt the lady who made a snide comment about me using Splenda on my cantaloupe truly cares about my well-being. She doesn't even know my name. She just wanted to be a smug person who could take the time to tell me about getting cancer from Splenda. Our conversation went something like this:

Anonymous nosy lady (ANL): Do you know that your Splenda there causes cancer? You're ruining that cantaloupe.

Me: At least I'm not putting Splenda on a donut.

ANL: But the Splenda will give you cancer before you have a heart attack. 

Me: Really? My mom died of cancer before Splenda was even invented. She got it from her boobs. 

Me: walking away from open-mouthed lady whom I hoped learned  to keep her fucking comments to herself. Or at the very least to not annoy strangers.  

Pizza Slut, Vampires, Stuffed Animals and Succulents

Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, on
the left, Soleil Moon Frye on the right
(Man scratching his head-dead center)

I spent the weekend carbo-loading. Not for any particular reason other than I had a heart-to-heart with myself last week and decided that my skin, hair, body and clothes were telling me one thing: I needed to try harder. It's not my full effort and without that, I can't depend on my best results.

So between my gorging of all things baked, fried or just plain delicious and shopping at various nurseries for Chef's new love of gardening, I got my car fixed (kind of. The damn tire pressure sensor was off for half a day and then came back on which sent me over the edge in a fit of fury), added red to my head, got my hands and feet all pretty in coral, and saw Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, being interviewed by Soleil Moon Frye (aka Punky Brewster).

Chef was gracious enough to go with me to the Bloggess event (book reading, signing and interview thingy) even though he wasn't totally into it. I could tell because he was looking up gardening stuff most of the time. However, I enjoyed it, although there was a lady there who blogged in the voice of her stuffed sheep which kind of creeped me out. The Bloggess is delightfully dirty and odd, but that was a little odd, even for me. Also, Stephanie Meyer, author of the Twilight series, was in the crowd in cognito. I remember seeing her at the time, but didn't put two and two together. As is the case when you're still reeling in laughter from a story about an at-home cleanse using ex-lax and a question from a lady that came through the voice of the stuffed goat she blogs through (FYI- the goat was not full size, but rather a small hand-held goat. If it had been full-sized, I think I would've been less confused. Maybe.)

After that, I helped pick out two plants that I wanted because they were pretty and made me happy. Then I decided that I needed to concentrate on making myself happy, in various ways. I bought a book of writing prompts, read about 100 magazines that had been piling up, and decided to get my ass back in gear. Again. YES AGAIN. I work out now and count calories, but I haven't been super strict about my diet in a while. And while I haven't eaten an entire box of TGIFriday's potato skins and an entire DiGiorno pepperoni pizza (that may have happened in the past, I'm just saying), I also haven't stuck to lean proteins, restricted carbs (my love for which can only be topped by my love for Chef and our cats, most of the time), and eaten fruits and veggies. So back to the original diet plan it goes. I even had Chef buy my old protein shakes when he went to the grocery store. I had a French Vanilla EAS CarbAdvantedge (yes, it's spelled like that) this afternoon for my "high-protein" snack. And tomorrow, I go on a cleanse. We'll see how that goes.

Reuniting with Some Old Friends (Or Habits)

Sunny and 80 in LA

When you start doing something again that you haven't done in a while, it's probably a good idea to do what you did that made you successful in the first place. Long story short: I'm eating and doing some of the things I used to when I was losing weight.

With that as the case, today I had Kashi's Mayan Harvest Bake lunch for the first time in at least a year. I forgot how much I loved that lunch. And how much I love plantains. I'm a sucker for a plantain. I order them every time I see them on the menu. Seriously cannot help but order them. Which is weird to me because they're really similar to a banana but I never order banana stuff in restaurants. Odd.

Anyway, the picture was from another daily walk that is helping in more than just exercise. It's nice on days when I eat at the office to just get outside for a few minutes (especially because I'm window deficient) and remember that I live in California. Where it's 80 degrees on the 4th day of January. I need to take advantage of that every day and not just on my days off.

Even though it hasn't been a full week, here are my goal updates (my first for 2012):

• Days per week that I worked on my novel: 4 for 4 this week
• Calories burned per week: 1411 (a pound is 3500)
• Days per week at or under my daily calorie goal: 3 (can't count today yet)
• Weight loss/gain: -3.6

Work Inappropriate Shoes (Is there such a thing?)

My booties--left side.

It's the Wednesday before Thanksgiving which means that it's basically a dead day at work. We are all joyous to have an extra long weekend and I'm ready myself to get my relaxin' on. One of the great things about Thanksgiving is the casual Wednesday. Nothing says "I'm mentally already gone" like jeans and an early release on Hump Day. And in honor of that kind of thinking, I also added in some killer shoes.

Top view

Now, I don't like playing favorites with my shoes, because it's kind of a Sophie's Choice moment, but the ones I wore today hold a special place in my heart. And even though the 4 inch spike heel is a little work inappropriate, I still decided to rock these bad boys like there was no tomorrow. And there isn't. At least no tomorrow in my office which is welcome break from the commute.

Here's my weekly goal update:

Right side

• Pages of fiction read: 26% of a 432 page book (World War Z) and 22% of a 320 page book (Confessions of a Prairie Bitch). That's 182 pages.
• Fiction read: World War Z by Max Brooks and Confessions of a Prairie Bitch (which is AWESOME!! Thanks, Anne)
• Fiction listened to via audiobook: Finished The Girl Who Played With Fire by Stieg Larrson yesterday. It was unsatisfying. 
• Five pages written: yes.
• Calorie tracking: Check. 
• Exercise: 150 minutes of exercise in the last week. 
• Current 5K best (on elliptical): 23 minutes, 44 seconds (from previous week-- came close but couldn't break that this week)
• Friends and family: Yup. Two calls and one more email.
• Weight Loss: 0 lb.I still suck and with little Thanksgiving hope.
• One revised section of novel per week:  Taking a new approach and actually reading what I've written thus far to fill in the gaps. So, no.

Trying to Challenge Myself. . .Still

Happiness is an empty gym at 5 a.m.

I'm getting complacent in my exercise so I started challenging myself to do a 5K on the elliptical every morning before work.I also try and beat my time from the day before. I'll keep a best record here because, well, I can and I have no where else to put it.

• Pages of fiction read: 23% of a 432 page book (World War Z) So, that's technically 99.63 pages, but I'm rounding up to 100 for my goal's sake. 
• Fiction read: World War Z by Max Brooks. Pretty good so far.
• Fiction listened to via audiobook: Eight hours into The Girl Who Played With Fire by Stieg Larrson. 
• Five pages written: Yup.Yay me!
• Calorie tracking: Check. Ate very well, but not very healthily. But got better since I've been back. 
• Exercise: 144 minutes of exercise in the last week. Not so hot.
• Current 5K best (on elliptical): 31 minutes, 32 seconds
• Friends and family: Yup. Called two friends and returned another call. 
• Weight Loss: 0 lb. I'm determined to change that this week. 
• One revised section of novel per week:  Check! Revise. revise. Revise. 

Can I be a Vegetarian for a Week?

I'm feeling the need to try and shake things up a little. I tried earlier this week when I was determined to start running again. That was probably not a good idea. I woke up this morning with sore, tight ankles and a tight knee. I also had the hip issue again.

I also woke up feeling weird. I got on the elliptical, got about 10 minutes in and it seemed immensely harder than usual. Not that I was exerting myself particularly hard, but I also couldn't kick it into high gear. It took everything I had to finish my hour and peel myself off. I also felt the need to do nothing today. We still went to the grocery, and I made black bean burgers for  myself for lunch, but I don't plan on doing much more. I also feel the need to stuff my pie hole with, well, anything.

So lazy, not wanting to exercise and the urge to eat too much, I guess that's not so unusual.

But that made me think: Could I purposely be a vegetarian for a week? I've accidentally been a vegetarian for a few days, but never made the conscious effort.  I think I could do it, but I want to do it without reverting to eating tons of cheese and bread. It's not for any political reasons or even for a permanent lifestyle change. Mostly just for the challenge.

What kind of meal ideas do you have for vegetarian entrees?

Four Years Ago, I Ate Mexican Food And Life Hasn't Been The Same

I seem to do this post once every two years, so it was about time. On this day (actually August 1-but you'll forgive me), four years ago, I had lunch at Fiesta Azteca in Nashville, TN. I ate a chicken quesadilla and as many handfuls of chips, salsa and guacamole as I could handle. Then I went back to work and saw my friend Evon on the computer checking out recipes. It was a new company wellness program we'd just gotten.

"Those recipes look pretty good, " I said. "And that doesn't look so hard."

And from there, I decided it was time to work on my weight. I am still amazed at why this happened or how it worked this time when I'd tried so many times before to lose weight. But for whatever reason, it did. And I lost 88 lbs from my heaviest to my lightest. Most

of that was within the first year.

Now, four years after I first started, I'm still trying to fully incorporate all those things into my life. It's a struggle and I've done better and worse depending on the day or even months. I crept back up about 30 lbs from lowest point before I decided to kick my butt into gear again. Now, I'm once again about 10 lbs (okay, exactly 10lbs because I obsess over it) away from my lowest weight and trying to break through my last plateau number to go even lower.

Through this I always forget and then remember a few things:

1. I actually like exercise. I like to sweat. I have more energy and feel better when I do it.
2. There is always time to make better choices. That's never a good enough excuse.
3. Nine times out of ten, I don't really care what I have for a meal. I need to just make a better choice, not the easier choice.
4. When that tenth time hits, just cave in and get what I really want. Otherwise I'll eat about 20 things trying to satisfy my real craving.
5. I always feel better with my life when I'm exercising, eating better and writing. If I can do all three on a daily basis, life's good.
6. There are very few things I can't accomplish when I stop being afraid to try.

So, here I am today. Ten pounds away from my low and a lifetime away from the heavy girl I was before. And I'm determined not to go back. That chicken quesadilla was good, but not that good.

You Always Want What You Can't Have

For me, it's good deep dish pizza. Or even just good pizza. And nothing fancy. Although Greek pizzas have been a favorite as of late, I'd totally just take a great slice of pepperoni. Doughy crust, but not too doughy. Nothing cheese-filled or with garlic and herbs baked in. Just a good slice of Pepperoni pizza. One where the Pepperoni is crisp at the edges and the cheese has some nice brown bubbles.

But that's something that I can't have. Mostly for two reasons: 1) I'm still watching what I eat and trying to avoid no-no food as much as possible. More than seven pounds in three weeks is a good start. I think another week and I'll be in a different second number which makes me happy. It's been a mental hurdle since I've been in LA for some reason. And while I indulged in a burger yesterday I also went back into th

e gym and put more time in to compensate. 2) I still have yet to find what I'd consider to be good pizza in LA. We've kind of given up trying lately. One because we're both dieting and two because we faced lots of disappointment. If we're gonna splurge on calories, we've been veering towards the safe bets.

Speaking of us dieting, I've got to give a shout out to Chef. He's lost

about 40 pounds since we've moved to LA. Yes. That's 40. Like four zero. He's looking super hot. Even more than usual.

But I digress. If anyone knows of a great pizza place in southern California, please let us know. At this point, I'm even willing to travel to get a slice of heaven. If you need a reference point, I love Jet's pizza. Especially the deep dish kind. I'd probably kill someone for a slice of that. Okay, maybe not kill, but seriously injure. The pictures should also help. Any input would be greatly appreciated. Yelp hasn't done us very well so far.

Trader Nos (and Some Yes Stuff too)

Chef and I have become fans of Trader Joe's since we moved to LA. They had opened a few Trader Joe's in Nashville but honestly, laziness got the better of me when we lived there. Mostly because although the Trader Joe's was only about 5 miles away, those 5 miles were going into Green Hills. And anyone whose tried to get anywhere in Green Hills knows those are the WORST 5 miles in the town.

The Trader Joe's in LA is across the street from our Ralph's (aka Kroger West) so it makes it much easier. We've been trying out some new items as I've been lowering my calorie count and Chef has been lowering his eating. Here are some winners and losers.

Losers:

• Chile Lime Chicken Burgers: I was looking for a lower cal alternative to a beef burger. This one had some weird spice and peppers and-GASP-cilantro. I had to use a lot of ketchup to drown out the taste.
• BBQ Teriyaki Chicken: It just seemed weird that you make this in the microwave and it's supposed to taste good. And that was the big difference. It didn't taste good.
• Falafel patties: Crumbled too easily when you stick a fork in them and the spice is off. Not horrible, but I got them a few months ago and haven't got them again.

Winners:

• Mandarin Orange Chicken: Gets crispy in the oven. Need I say more? Okay, the sauce is pretty damn good too.
• Soft & Juicy Mango Slices: This is one of Chef's favorites. They only carry it every so often so when he sees it, we stock up. Nice, sweet dried fruit.
• Peanut butter-filled pretzels: Haven't gotten these lately not because I don't like them, but because I can't control myself when I eat them. They're crazy good. Shout out to Michelle for introducing me to these bad boys. And curses too because there's a dimple of fat that I blame you for.
• Chicken Tikka Masala: Haven't gotten it in a while because I always get the Naan too and that makes the meal a little calorie crazy and carb heavy, but this is DELICIOUS for a quickie.

That's it for now. What are your favorite Trader Joe's finds? Always looking for a new culinary adventure. Or ready made meal. Depends on the night.

This Week's Breakdown

I'm still working towards my goals. Here's my breakdown for this week:

• Chats with Chef this week: every day, multiple times a day. YAY!

• Pages of fiction read: 252

• Fiction read: One Day by David Nicholls- FINISHED; The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein(?)

• Fiction listened to via audiobook: Freedom by Jonathan Franzen (about 15 hours in)

• Creative writing every day: done and DONE

• Five pages written: Yes! I've been so move to write this week that I've actually done it longhand. In meetings that bore me. Maybe not the best, but still very exciting.

• Calorie tracking: done and done honestly.Even though I've lost 1.6 lbs this week, I've had cheeseburgers for my last two meals. So what of it?

• Exercise: Yes every day. Not twice daily as some days I actually had to live (or go see Ann Patchett or have extra Chef time).

• Friends and family: two nice emails, two nice calls. All in all, not a bad week.

Doing better this week. And I'm happy. So I guess that's not too shabby.

I Didn't Do TOO Badly This Week

While it was only a few days ago that I posted my goals, I've actually been working off of them for over a week. So I decided to hold myself accountable. And because frankly, I'm not very good at just holding myself accountable on my own (I weighed 229 lbs at one point if you needed proof of that), I'm going to post my results each week for as long as I think it's interesting to post. I realize I'm dipping dangerously into the "Bridget Jones"-type of blog post, but I think you'll indulge me. So here goes for the first week:

• Chats with Chef this week: numerous and multi-times per day

• Pages of fiction read: 204

• Fiction read: One Day by David Nicholls

• Fiction listened to via audiobook: Unfamiliar Fishes by Sarah Vowell and Freedom by Jonathan Franzen

• Creative writing every day: Complete

• Five pages written: Not so much. I got three pages done. Maybe I'll get the other two knocked out today.

• Calorie tracking: done and done honestly. It actually made me order a few things differently than I would've and eat less than I would've gorged.

• Exercise: Twice daily for a total of an hour. I actually had sore muscles this week for the first time in a while. I don't think I was honest with myself before about pushing myself.

• Friends and family: sent several emails this week out of the blue. If you didn't get one, you may soon.

I have to say that it's the reading that I'm enjoying most. And the writing that's leaving me the most to try and be honest with myself. It's challenging me most right now which is probably why I haven't finished my page quota for the week. I'm writing some non-fiction and it's hard to be as truthful as I want to be about others without revealing too much about myself.

Wait, I didn't declare that 5 lbs to customs. . . Take it back

I brought back a souvenir from my time in Canada: a fat ass. Well, fatter any way. The access to lobster and being stuck in a place where eating really is the only true past time were enough to add five pounds to my frame. FIVE POUNDS! How is that even possible in 10 days time??

I kept my calorie count even on the bad days. And on the really really really bad days, I STILL kept my log going. Without access to the AT&T network (because I was not about to pay the outrageous international rates just to sync my calorie counting app), it was challenging and humiliating to admit my daily defeat, but I did.

And this happened even though I worked out nearly every day I was gone. Oh well. I did it to myself. I just wondered why I couldn't check my extra ass in at customs and make them to my 5 pounds of flesh.

However, once I crossed into US territory, I didn't get much better. Chef turned 30 on Friday and with that came dinner at the swankiest place I have been to thus far. It's called CUT and is a Wolfgang Puck restaurant. And did I mention it's delicious? We had bone marrow flan, which was just fancy way of saying bone marrow. I had never had bone marrow before and let me tell you, it's worth getting. It's f&c#ing delicious. Like concentrated meat jelly. Like the flavor and soul of the cow were secretly hiding not in the flesh, but in the bones. It may sound gross, but if you like meat, it is not gross at all.

Since I'm confessing to that, I should also confess to the other dishes that may have contributed to my five pounds in the last 10 days (i didn't eat THEM ALL, but had my share for sure):

• Aforementioned bone marrow flan
• Seafood risotto with half a lobster tail
• Gorgonzola topped filet
• two servings of sticky toffee pudding
• loaded potato skins
• pretzel bites
• Lobster dinner with drawn butter
• Banana bread pudding
• Double bacon cheeseburger
• Taco Bell chicken quesadilla
• Taco Bell cheesy fiesta potatoes
• Meyer Lemon pound cake with Earl Grey ice cream
• The crispiest french fries I've ever had in my life
• Seafood salad
• Kobe filet mignon

Okay, there may be five pounds in there after all. Crap. Well, it was back on the treadmill and back to my normal food this morning. Looks like it will be double work outs for me this week . . .