A Gross Post-- You've been warned

I was thinking about this yesterday and to be honest many times before but I've never expressed it. It probably doesn't need to be expressed, but frankly I don't care.

I'm currently in day two of an Internet cleanse. I'm sure it's total bullshit, but I'm sucked in. It is only supposed to help flush the system and shed bloat, not actual ponds. The fact that that is the only claim it makes actually makes me feel like it might be legit. You drink 60 oz of a water, dandelion root tea, cranberry juice and lemon juice mixture. Then you pee like crazy. And because I am already a water drinker AND a massive pee-er, it's making things interesting.

The dandelion root is a mild diuretic, so you drink this, it flushes water retention, and you shed some water weight. You still eat your normal diet, so there's no starving. Literally just flushing the system AND the toilet for the 20 times a day I'm peeing, but hey, at least I'm adding steps to my pedometer. I'm totally down for that because I was puffier than normal last week.This could all be psychosomatic, but  I did shed almost two pounds in 24 hours, which is not like me.

But that's not that gross. What this mild cleanse has me thinking about is a much larger, more in-depth cleanse. I want to swallow the liquid version of a pipe cleaner and clean my insides out. Has anyone else had this desire or I'm a just being weird? I want to try and get anything that's backed up in my colon out. Like those people who do those intense cleanses and then photograph their long, nasty fecal movements that look like snake skins with plasma attached to them.

I want to have photo-worthy bowel movements, and then have Chef had to talk sense into my so I don't post them to the blog because that would just be crazy.

Basically, I'd like to internally clean house and start over again. Who's with me?

Why am I Fat when I Don't Eat that Much?

I eat homemade lettuce
wraps with rice for dinner and
lost nothing. Others eat three
chocolate bars and are down
three pounds. How does this
happen?

I realize that I'm not "that fat" as someone not related to me was oh so kind enough to point out as I was complaining out loud, but that's of little help. And I didn't invite you to my pity party, sir, so kindly exit to the left.

I realize that we all are made differently and men have an easier time losing weight and some people just have great metabolisms, but really believing that line of shit is about as easy as believing that a fat person is big boned or has a thyroid problem. There are few exceptions and chances are that its really the rule.

What's killing me about this lately? I'm glad you asked. I use the app My Fitness Pal. I'd highly recommend it to others as it actually helps me track my calories in a way that's a little more helpful than the paper and calculator method I used to use (seriously I totally used a calculator and a sheet of paper that was tracker for the day. I habitually checked Calorie King for counts. I was so OCD that I used to three-hole punch my trackers and put them in a binder so I could remember that really great meal I had a few weeks back that was only 457 calories.) Anyway, the app is great and I've been reaching out lately to find people who are on the same path and might help motivate me.

When I'm in the weight loss zone, I buy into every little nugget of information or stat that I hear.

I hear"You lose twice as much weight with friends--even online ones." So I get involved in the message boards.

I hear "Faith Hill drinks 96 oz of water every day for clear skin" So I guzzle 6 liters for good measure (and then take at least 6 trips to the bathroom every morning).

I realize the last one was about skin, but if I can clear two issues of self esteem in one foul swoop, I'm gonna do it. That's just good sense.

These people on My Fitness Pal are making their food diaries public and I am curious as hell so I take a peek. And I see a person having a daily calorie threshold 300 above mine and eating chocolate at least twice a day and losing 2 pounds a week. And she's just the average example.

But that person might have a lot more weight to lose so it comes off easier, you argue. Um, no. Bitch weighs 5 pounds more than I do and I've not --nor have I ever in a healthy manner-lost more than 2 pounds of actual weight in a week. And that was when I was morbidly obese.

What the fuck. Rationally I am doing the "we're all different" arguments in my head, but underneath that, I'm thinking "is she cutting off parts of her body to make this weight loss happen? What am I doing wrong?" I want to lose weight, but I also don't want to curl up in a ball crying if someone puts olive oil or butter on my food because "I don't have the calories left for that."

This debate was swimming around my head this morning when Chef yelled from the bathroom scale "Man, I've lost so much weight and I haven't even been trying." And that's when I left to keep myself from stabbing him. I'm still debating whether he can take a good stabbing in his sleep as I'm feeling stabby still. But then again, I tweeted it and now I'm blogging it so if my husband turns up stabbed in the next few months, I'm obviously going to be the first suspect. Oh, marriage.