My Magic Number

Remember when you were a child and your parents would insist you "say the magic word" and then you'd say "please" in a sing-songy voice like they'd just pulled a string on your back. Whatever you wanted would suddenly happen because of that magic word.

My magic number is kind of like that, but only in that it spurs action. My magic number is a weight that I hit that literally and figuratively hits me in the gut until my spontaneous reactions are guilt and shame. . .and exercise.

Last week, I hit my magic number. I'm sure other people have their own magic numbers. Especially if you've ever lost weight before. I vowed while in the middle of the struggle that I'd never weigh over XXX lbs again  but that number slid up 5 lbs or so when I decided that my apathy was overtaking my need to look decent in clothing.

However, the aforementioned guilt and shame mixed with a pre-work breakdown while selecting an outfit that seemed to look better just a few weeks ago was enough for me to REALLY start logging my calories again in myfitnesspal. Not the fake logging that I do where I start the day strong, but by 3 p.m. conveniently get temporary amnesia about my mid-afternoon M&M gorge or that Venti (which I swear is Italian for BIG ASS) latte with SUGAR! and a side of extra sugar.

The magic number has been hit and my apathy has instantly turned into action. Calories are watched closer than Kim Kardashian by the paparazzi! The gym is left with the funky combination of my morning breath from my panting and my sweat.

And in a few months, the work will payoff. It has before. It will again. Except maybe this time I'll drop my magic number by 15 lbs so I don't let it get this far.

Remind me that I said that in a year when I'm reaching for another cupcake.

Second Christmas

I am waiting again for Santa. But this time in the form of a UPS driver. Christmas was great, as I thought it would be. Thank you to everyone for your well wishes, your calls, cards and emails, and your thoughtful gifts. I spent a lazy day enjoying them all with Chef in tow. We ate well, slept well, and were the laziest versions of ourselves. It was great.

But today is SECOND Christmas. The day when we receive the items we bought on Christmas with our newly acquired gift cards. I am waiting for UPS Claus to bring me a fitbit. It's basically a fancy pedometer, but it also monitors your sleep. I'm curious to see how well I sleep. I mean, I'm so narcissistic and odd that I want to know what's happening with me while I'm sleeping. I'm also an analytics nerd so the ability to put data somewhere also intrigues me. Hopefully this will all be enough to keep better track of my health and strive to do more. And what's more is that it syncs up with the app I already like using, myfitnesspal.

I guess we'll see. . .

Why I Joined Weight Watchers. . .this time

To say that losing weight is hard is just stupid. It's like saying that you need oxygen to live or that ice cream is delicious. It's so ridiculously known that everyone already knows it. It's dumb to say.

And while I've done it successfully (I consider it a success that I've kept 70 of the 90 lbs of weight loss from 5 years ago), I still need help. Or motivation. Or both. So last week I decided to join weight watchers online. I have never tried Weight Watchers before and have seen so many success stories (including Jennifer Hudson who looks amazing) so figured it was worth a shot. Plus my aunts, my friends and countless others who have used the plan and it worked for them.

Weight loss would be great. But I'm also looking to get healthier. That's actually a big key of choosing this particular plan. I have used MyFitnessPal for nearly a year and it has helped me (when I've made the concerted effort to use it) count calories. But I was only counting calories. So if I wanted to use my daily allotment on gummy bears, so be it. It was just calories.

Since this program also takes into account fat, fiber, carbs and protein, I have to choose more wisely. And the fact that fruits and veggies in their purest forms do not count against my daily plans means that I've already eaten more bananas and raspberries and veggies in the past week than the last several combined. And that can't be a bad thing.

We all need to mix it up and I'm mixing it up this way. I need to get back on track. Even if I never end up looking like Jennifer Hudson, I'll have hopefully established or reestablished some healthier habits.

The odd thing is that I seem to have these urges to get healthy around this time. The first time I lost weight, I started on August 2nd. I've kicked my butt into gear around this time for the last couple of years and I officially joined Weight Watchers on July 31st. What is it about the end of summer that makes me want to kick my own ass?

Have you lost weight or had success with Weight Watchers? Any advice for the newbie?

Why am I Fat when I Don't Eat that Much?

I eat homemade lettuce
wraps with rice for dinner and
lost nothing. Others eat three
chocolate bars and are down
three pounds. How does this
happen?

I realize that I'm not "that fat" as someone not related to me was oh so kind enough to point out as I was complaining out loud, but that's of little help. And I didn't invite you to my pity party, sir, so kindly exit to the left.

I realize that we all are made differently and men have an easier time losing weight and some people just have great metabolisms, but really believing that line of shit is about as easy as believing that a fat person is big boned or has a thyroid problem. There are few exceptions and chances are that its really the rule.

What's killing me about this lately? I'm glad you asked. I use the app My Fitness Pal. I'd highly recommend it to others as it actually helps me track my calories in a way that's a little more helpful than the paper and calculator method I used to use (seriously I totally used a calculator and a sheet of paper that was tracker for the day. I habitually checked Calorie King for counts. I was so OCD that I used to three-hole punch my trackers and put them in a binder so I could remember that really great meal I had a few weeks back that was only 457 calories.) Anyway, the app is great and I've been reaching out lately to find people who are on the same path and might help motivate me.

When I'm in the weight loss zone, I buy into every little nugget of information or stat that I hear.

I hear"You lose twice as much weight with friends--even online ones." So I get involved in the message boards.

I hear "Faith Hill drinks 96 oz of water every day for clear skin" So I guzzle 6 liters for good measure (and then take at least 6 trips to the bathroom every morning).

I realize the last one was about skin, but if I can clear two issues of self esteem in one foul swoop, I'm gonna do it. That's just good sense.

These people on My Fitness Pal are making their food diaries public and I am curious as hell so I take a peek. And I see a person having a daily calorie threshold 300 above mine and eating chocolate at least twice a day and losing 2 pounds a week. And she's just the average example.

But that person might have a lot more weight to lose so it comes off easier, you argue. Um, no. Bitch weighs 5 pounds more than I do and I've not --nor have I ever in a healthy manner-lost more than 2 pounds of actual weight in a week. And that was when I was morbidly obese.

What the fuck. Rationally I am doing the "we're all different" arguments in my head, but underneath that, I'm thinking "is she cutting off parts of her body to make this weight loss happen? What am I doing wrong?" I want to lose weight, but I also don't want to curl up in a ball crying if someone puts olive oil or butter on my food because "I don't have the calories left for that."

This debate was swimming around my head this morning when Chef yelled from the bathroom scale "Man, I've lost so much weight and I haven't even been trying." And that's when I left to keep myself from stabbing him. I'm still debating whether he can take a good stabbing in his sleep as I'm feeling stabby still. But then again, I tweeted it and now I'm blogging it so if my husband turns up stabbed in the next few months, I'm obviously going to be the first suspect. Oh, marriage.