Monday, October 31, 2005

Another Manic Monday

I don't think manic is the right word for it.

manic (n): excessive or unreasonable enthusiasm

If I had enthusiasm at all, I would be happy; let alone if it was excessive or unreasonable. But today I'm just trying to make it without feeling like stapling my hand to the desk would be a fun way to get the rest of the day off. I am moody, bitchy and totally ready to take a vacation that involves a beach, some sun and no worries.

What is it about Fall that gets me every year? For some reason, I always have dramatic mood changes in the Fall. When I was younger it made me edgy and I started thinking about the cyclic nature of school years and suddenly I was spiraling into depression that only Christmas could resolve. I was about 7 at the time.

Now it's more like a process where I start bitching to everyone around me and spreading my complaining infection like the avian flu. It gathers speed and lots of attention, but never really culminates in much of anything.

The last couple of years I've wished my mom was around to send me a card like she was frequent to do when I was in college. A little cardboard reminder that someone cared enough to send me the very best and cared even more to write inside it. I hate when people send cards for no discernible reason (no holiday or anything) and then just sign their name. If you thought the card was special enough to send, then take the extra 3 minutes and jot down why you sent it.

Anyway, I'm in one of those "I just want to be held and told I'm great and everything's going to be okay" kind of moods.

Does anyone else hate the Fall?

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Things I Can't Blame on Being Drunk

When I was younger, even just a couple of years ago, most of my poor judgment could be blamed on inebriation. My dating faux paus were blamed on things I said while drunk or people I met while drunk. However, lately I haven't been drinking and yet my poor decisions are still around. It's actually made me a little worried.

Case in point: About four times in the last week I have spent time with or heard things about people that I had met on a separate occasion. They seemed like cool, fun, funny people who I would get along with. However, upon a second glance I realized that I was so very wrong.

One repeatedly said a cliche at moments just opportune enough to let the punchline zing. However, in most cases it just fell flat and I had to do the patented fake laugh. Usually reserved for work functions, the fake laugh is my business best friend. In this case it kind of backfired because while fake laughing, my mind drifted to something that was actually funny and the combination of the two laughs mixed to produce a fake laugh of epic proportions. This only encouraged the comment to be made several more times and my judgment to be called into question.

The second person was not so much labeled fun to hang out with as a non-threat, meaning she would not repeat things said in her general direction to people they were said about. Luckily, I had not made the mistake of trying that one out, but rather learned the lesson vicariously through someone who had been burned. Yet again, though, my ability to make a call on a person was totally off.

Three people lied and I bought it. Although in my defense one of these used a massive amount of tears which just made me uncomfortable enough to believe the lie to get them away from me.

Am I getting less astute the older I get? Is my sharp wit dulling with age and fake laughs? Am I being naive? What's the fine line between healthy skepticism and negativity? How about niceness and gullibility?

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

I Survived It By Closing My Eyes and Pretending I was Some Place Else

I spent most of my weekend and the better part of this week working. And not just working a little, working until 9 or 10 p.m. We all know that I don't like working past 5 unless I have to. They pay for my time, not my life. That's all mine.

Anyway, done done done for now and I'm taking Friday off to celebrate. Or perhaps I'm just taking it off to lay on my ass and catch up on all the Tivo shows that I missed this week.

When does Hurricane season end? I know its soon and I've had friends and family suffer through them, but mostly I'm just tired of seeing weathermen getting blasted with high winds for our amusement. It's not all that important to see someone fall on their ass because of the wind. It doesn't do anything to make the news better.

It's like when local news stations have 'Live' shots at locations where an important meeting was held 6 hours before. What the hell do we care if you're standing in front of the building that was monumental a long time ago? Do the story in front of the Coliseum or Liberty Bell and that logic still holds true.

Anyway, at this point the weathermen and women are just pawns in Mother Nature's and the public's sick little sadistic tryst. At least the networks are getting full use of all those "CNN" ponchos they ordered.

Speaking of weather, I think that Nor'easter has become my second favorite non-possessive word with an apostrophe. I'm not including all those people who WRONGLY do things like put apostrophes on words to separate the acronym from the "s" to pluralize it. Such as when people write that they have "DVD's for Sale." That's just wrong.

My favorite word with an apostrophe: Lil'. And I get to see it everyday on my way home when I pass a school that had a sign donated to it in memory of "Lil' Bobby Joslin." Time to go see Bobby's sign.

Friday, October 21, 2005

D-Day is approaching

The big event is happening this weekend and no, it's not a wedding. Actually, I think I would be more excited and less dreading in nature if it were a wedding. Even if it was a wedding where I had to wear a horrible bridesmaid ensemble that the bride insisted was versatile and gorgeous, and I just nodded along to make sure that I piss any one off. Usually I ended up wearing an ass-ugly dress or at least one bad accessory. The worst bridesmaids outfits I've been in have featured things like polk dots, scalloped necklines, clear plastic shoes and a train. Not all in the same outfit, but still bad on their own.

Anyway, I've got a big weekend of weird work activities and while some of them will be fun, they will all require me to not have any free time of my own, which I detest. However, this week has been full of some good times. Most notably, the season premiere of South Park. I admit that my expectations were probably too high, but I laughed and enjoyed nonetheless. In fact in celebration of South Park's return I've been singing Heat of the Moment as sung by Cartman all week.

Other than that, it's been work work work all week long with some occasional exhausted efforts to spend time with Chef. He's being great during all this. What's not being great is our shower, which 6 weeks and more than 20 calls into this process, has yet to be fixed.

Monday, October 17, 2005

How Many Years Does it Take to Get a Grown-Up's Chair?

Seriously, does anyone have an answer for this? How long do I have to work somewhere before I am entitled to have a chair that wasn't built for a midget or that comes all the way up my back?

Apparently four years is not enough.

We've had quite a few people leave here in the last couple of weeks and after the latest two left last week, I decided that enough was enough. We had spent good money on nice chairs for sales people that spent less than two hours in them every week. I am in the office 5 days a week and my chair was far more inferior.

Let's forget the fact that I'd worked here for over 4 years and asked for a new chair on several occasions. And we can forget that new chairs had been ordered 3 times for people who had worked here less than a month since the time I put in my first request. And out of those three people who received new chairs, only one is still here.

So, today when I pilfered the chair from the dearly departed's (gone, not dead) office, I got the third degree. Here are some comments I received:
  1. What are you doing with that chair?
  2. Is your chair broken?
  3. If it's not broken, then why are you taking that chair?
  4. Have you even asked to have a new chair ordered?
  5. Oh, well, I'll just have to check with _______ and make sure that (appropriate pronoun for _____) doesn't want to order another one to replace the one you took.

That was just from one person. So if four is not the answer, what is? How long must my ass suffer with inferior cushioning before I can write it off as workman's comp?

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Bring about Great Change in this Country

Today I was watching information about the President's approval ratings. Apparently he has dipped to his lowest levels in his presidency. So low that people have even responded to wanting a Democrat majority in the Senate.

We all knew that slow response and thousands of shots of people chanting for help outside of the Superdome were going to hit him hard. But did anyone expect that this little fact: Only 2 percent of all African-Americans approve of the job that the President is doing. It's the lowest number for any president in this demographic since the poll has been taken.

Even more disparaging is the fact that there is a great discrepancy in what people say about the reaction to Hurricane Katrina. According to the same poll, 2/3 of White Americans do not think that the response would've been different if more white families were affected. More than 60 percent of African-Americans feel the response would've been changed.

While this is interesting, it does more to shed light on the continuing battle for race relations in this country. We like to spend our time thinking we are enlightened and embrace the slogans of the Cross Color fashions: Love sees no color. Even I have to admit that I've been rather naive about it. Perhaps Kanye West was speaking for people who feel like they didn't have a voice.

On another note, President Bush is trying to better his image among African-Americans. Chef sent me this to show his broader appeal. Please note that there is sound (so don't open at work) and if you don't have a sense of humor, it might not be funny to you. Also note the President's flashing the "West Si-yed" symbol. Good times.

And lastly, the saga with the leak continues. Apparently the problem is happening (albeit on a smaller scale) to each of the apartments on the ground level of this building. I sincerely hope that they hire professional plumbers.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Better, yet busier day

I know my head from ass today because they thankfully parted ways sometime last night. For some reason the two were inseparable yesterday.

Isn't it funny that so many good things can happen in one day, yet the one you dwell on is the negative? Is that human nature or just a side effect from watching too much Curb Your Enthusiasm?

On a good note, a national newspaper listed one of my local events and used a local spokesperson. I've been getting mad props from the people on my committee that don't know what mad props means.

Hopefully this will settle down in the next two weeks.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Gin and Juice

I'm having one of those days when alcoholism seems like a fun alternative to going to work every day. Perhaps waking up in your own vomit near a dumpster 7 miles from your house with no car in sight would be a welcome change of pace from the constraints a normal life places on you. Things like deadlines, phone calls, yelling and oh, yes, a paycheck.

Or maybe I'm just exaggerating and should just grab a beer and curl up with the Gilmore Girls tonight and relieve my stress the old fashioned way. If only the batting cages were near here so that I could go take a swing at the objects of my loathing.

I really don't like the fall.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Gators, Pythons, Publicity Agents and Other Dangerous Animals

This is my biggest nightmare wrapped in the nightmare of another friend. Gators and crocodiles scare the bejeezus out of me for no real reason. I call this my irrational fear, because the likelihood of me encountering a gator in the middle of a completely land-locked state is highly unlikely.

However, my fear of being impaled by a deer's antler's while driving is substantially more reasonable for the mere fact that I actually live in an area prone to having lots of deer and that area also has forests near highways. All things in that equation add up to a trip to the body shop with deer skin implanted on your headlights. Mom always made me have deer horns on my car, but somehow they haven't made it onto Cam.

On another note, the weekend was marred by a crappy Saturday Night Live with an even crappier musical guest. I was making a comment on how it must suck for Ashlee Simpson to be the less attractive, talentless one in the family when Chef turned to me and said, "Yeah, how does it feel?"

Ahhhh, SNAP. And before you get your panties in a wad, he was KIDDING. We all love my brother, but we know he can't sing for shit.

Is anyone else tired of the "SPLIT!" that supposedly happened between Nick & Jessica? Everyone knows that the only thing the public wants to hear about in regards to couples are the following:
  • Are they dating?
  • Are they engaged yet?
  • Did they actually make it to the alter?
  • Is she pregnant?
  • When are they breaking up?

When 'Newlyweds' hit the air, we already knew that three out of four of those were answered for us. So the nation watched and laughed while someone dumber than we viewed ourselves made these mistakes publicly. But of course, when I trip outside of the Olive Garden and get humiliated, no one hands me a dollar for the entertainment value. They got our money. They outsmarted us.

When they were cute and it was funny that she spent $1500 on one set of sheets, we all wondered when they were going to have kids. Now that we've realized the joke was on us (and if you saw the Variety Show or Christmas Special then you REALLY are the butt of the joke), America is pissed.

Pissed off people wish for bad things to happen and so we've moved on to "When are they breaking up?". It's natural and if Nick & Jessica were willing to play the game with their marriage on center court before this, then they should be prepared for the end results.

And the next time my ass gets glued to a toilet seat, I want everyone to pay me 50 cents before I tell the story. It's totally worth it.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

I Threw Up A Little in My Mouth

In reference to Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes, Chef sent me an article this morning announcing the pregnancy of Katie. It referred to the millionaire-to-be as TomKitten. That was enough to start my day off the wrong way.

Then the maintenance saga continues. I called him this morning to finish up the job he started a couple of days ago. He left a gaping hole in my ceiling and come to find out that the leak wasn't taken care of at all. He said he'd be there at 10:00 a.m. and then never showed up. Not only that, when I called and left a message, he never returned it. I just want a ceiling without mold and leak, a toilet that doesn't run every 60 seconds and a sink that actually drains. Is that too much to ask for? HELL NO.

The only thing that made me smile was the Saturday Night Live sketch of Kanye West and Mike Myers meeting up back stage and "talking" about their stint together on the Katrina Marathon. It made me chuckle.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Dr. Cooter Cutter

Chef found me this little gem that I had to pass along. It's a urologist out of Austin, TX that specializes in vasectomies. I don't know if he's good, but I'd say he probably gets the job done.

"Dr. Richard (Dick) Chopp is well known in the Austin community for performing Vasectomies. He also enjoys treating patients with metabolic evolution of kidney stone disease, male endocrine urology disorders, prostate disease and Peyronie's disease. He has extensive laparoscopy surgery experience, is on the transplant team and performs Living Donor Nephrectomy."

That was a better find than his friend Dip's spotting of a realtor with the name Dick Balls.

Dick and fart jokes. That's where it's at.

We all know that cell phone drivers are the worst. I've tried at Chef's request to limit my cell phone usage dramatically while driving and its given me a lot of time to point out all of the other assholes that have that thing permanently glued to their ears.

Mythbusters even did a show(episode 33) about which was worse: driving drunk or while talking? It was actually about even, which is scary!

Now it's getting even worse. Instead of cell phones, let's give people a live animal to talk to. Honda just came out with a car that will accommodate such a request. I don't mind baby cat or dog talk at home, but if I see kissy faces while driving, I'll definitely become nauseated. Come one people. Is using a Pet Carrier that hard?

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

But I Love Smoking Monkeys

Apparently the chimp in China named Ai Ai (which is the same name as the main character on Super Monkey Ball, by the way) quit smoking after 16 years. While I'm sure the change was better for his health, I have to say that smoking monkeys make me chuckle. I guess him dying for my own amusement is selfish.

However, I don't love monkeys enough to spend 6 years of my life with them. Chef and I were watching PBS the other night and Nature was on. It was profiling the jungle and its inhabitants. One Italian researcher has been going into the jungle with the help of local tribesman every day to follow apes around and gain their trust. SIX YEARS!?!?! I really can't think of anything that fascinates me enough to isolate myself for six years to study it. Am I shallow or just normal?

On another note, let me run down this scenario for your and see what you think:

A person graduates college with an exceptional resume of community activities, work experience and a great GPA. He or she is highly recruited among others and is selected by a large organization to have a better-than-entry level position there.

However, on the first day of new staff orientation, he or she decides that they are worth more money and decide not to show up for work until they get more money. The company bargains with the candidate and they settle on something but instead of having the 4 weeks or so to learn the ropes, the candidate now has to come up with a give a huge presentation to the client in one week.

The candidate gives the presentation but the client bawks at its simplicity and ends up punching holes in it left and right. Most people would be fired, right? Not this candidate. The client leaves and instead of using it as a learning experience, the candidate blames his co-workers, the copy machine, Kinko's, and the client himself for his failure.

In what scenario would this person still have a job? I can think of at least one: the NFL. Adam ("Pacman") Jones , you suck. But I hope you keep playing for the Titans because it only helps the Colts.

My whole point is this: Why do things that seem completely unreasonable in real life seem altogether feasible and acceptable in professional sports?

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