Thursday, March 31, 2005
It's hard to lose someone. We all know that. But I have to think that no matter how important I may consider myself in my egotistical mind, I would never want my family making national news on a nightly basis for nearly three weeks because they didn't want to mourn.
However, now feeding tubes are becoming all the rage. The pope has one and Terry's family wanted one. Soon all models everywhere will be receiving their nutrition and champagne supplies through the thin tube going up their noses. Is that an iPod headphone wire on your face? No, it's my lunch.
Speaking of eating, I now come to Britney Spears. One would think that the lack of music, paraphernalia, acting gigs, TV appearances and all that would have curtailed her publicity. But when all else fails, send a letter to the media. Good God. Britney leave the writing to the professionals. The tabloids might be telling lies, but at least they can turn a phrase and do it entertainingly.
One thing that's not so cool was the headline that one major international news service used for the story. "Britney not pregnant, just fat." Ouch. That's what happens when you try and get publicity without the help of professionals.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Anyway, come to find out that John Ford not only used lobbyists money for that, but also tried to get some lobbyist money for his defense team. Uh hello? Isn't that what had your ass in front of the ethics committee in the first place? Gas on the fire, my friend. Man needs a publicist more than Michael Jackson, because no amount of good press is going to help Michael now.
On another note, last night's Amazing Race two-parter rocked. I've fallen for the racing brothers. Despite the fact that Brian claims to be an actor/bartender and I'm still pissed that nearly ALL of the contestants from last season were "actors," I still like the pair. They're funny, pretty smart and haven't garnered any snarls from Lynn and Alex (those catty bitches). I'm still a fan of Rob & Amber, but I'm now leaning more for the boys.
I was ECSTATIC that the brothers beat Ray & Deana in the foot race last night. That couple was a more whining "Jonathan & Victoria"-lite. The Diet Coke of annoying Amazing Racers. Just one brain. Not quite bitchy enough. After coming in first in the previous leg (only because of a Fast Forward), they finally met their demise.
Between politics, Michael Jackson and Reality TV, reaping the crap crop has been entertaining this week.
Monday, March 28, 2005
- People who say 'no' when they don't have the power to say 'yes.'
- The underwire in your bra that scrapes the back of your arm all day at work.
- People who correct other people's writing, but their "corrections" are wrong. And you're the one with an editing background. They have a background in Home Ec.
- People who are still talking as you're walking away.
- Walking on muddy ground with heels that sink easily.
- People with enthusiasm for something you could give two shits about, but make you pretend nonetheless. (However, this one could me, so sometimes I piss myself off).
- People who manage to mispronounce a last name with four letters.
- People at your work who manage to not only mispronounce but also misspell a name with only four letters when you've worked there for four years.
- People who are always demanding immediate reaction from others, but do not give immediate reaction in return.
- Having to ask three times for something and getting no response.
- Having a spam to actual email ratio of 10 to 1.
- People who talk about sex at work...loudly.
- When someone says "I like your (insert hair, outfit, jewelry or other appearance-related item here) to you every time they see you. Sometimes you look like shit and you know it.
- When people give excuses about why they can't do something before they even try.
I'm sure I'll come up with more later, but for now these are the most plaguing. It feels better just to get them out. Now I can look forward to a week of new '24,' 'Gilmore Girls' and 'Lost.'
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Friday, March 25, 2005
Nonetheless I started watching Arrested Development and soon became addicted to its continuing storylines and all out hilarity. Apparently great comedy isn't enjoyed by everyone because Fox is starting to crap all over it. First they take it off the air for a couple weeks of very special shitty shows and then they only order half of the episodes that they should to finish out the season.
If you haven't seen an episode, I highly suggest renting them on a weekend. It only takes a couple to become enamored with the Bluth family. If you're one of my friends, then I'll even loan you my complete first season on DVD to save you the trouble of renting. It'll be like Blockbuster online, except that I won't pay for you to send them back to me.
Then when you're nice and attached to saying "NO TOUCHING!" or "Daddy horny," go to this website and sign the petition to save Arrested Development. If not, I'll be relegated to watching fuzzy Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen movies or reruns of The Simpsons.
THERE'S ALWAYS MONEY IN THE BANANA STAND, dammit. I just wish Fox would realize it!
Thursday, March 24, 2005
So, my thinking on living together before marriage has changed. However, come to find out that some states haven't changed their thinking at all. If I ever live with someone and move to Florida, Michigan, Mississippi, North Carolina, North Dakota, Virginia or West Virginia, I will actually be breaking the law. That's right. It's against the law to "cohabitate" in these states.
One might argue that many states have old ass laws that bar crazy and seemingly common thing. That's a good point. Another point would be that North Dakota just upheld its law which made living together a sex crime. Another ridiculous notion because everyone knows that once you live together there is no sex. Would they make you register as a sex crime offender?
Sure they never really enforce the law, but if it were my senator, I'd be pissed if he or she voted for it. Of course, my senator also looks me in the eye and votes against heart-healthy issues and then shows up to host a heart-related fundraiser and begins her speech with "As a big supporter of heart-health...."
Anyway, if it's illegal for couples to live together in these states, do they not recognize common law marriages? One would think that common law marriages would be the bread and butter of West Virginia, but I guess not. Or do they recognize common law marriages as a way of making those who've been living in sin moral?
Who knows? If you want to learn more about common law marriage, click here. It's apparently dying out and not legal in very many states (including Indiana and Tennessee--I'm just saying).
Here's where it is legal:
District of Columbia
Georgia (if created before 1/97)
Idaho (if created before 1/96)
New Hampshire (for inheritance purposes only)
Ohio (if created before 10/91)
Pennsylvania (if created before 9/03)
Anyway, if you're shacking up or planning to, make sure you're breaking the law. If you're going to do it, you might as well piss off the Christian right and make a day of it.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
I thought that school shootings were passe, but I guess not. I figured once Marilyn Manson was blamed, Michael Moore did a documentary on it and the very special anniversary programs for the Columbine shooting aired that kids would realize that shooting up their classmates in a rampage wasn't the cool thing to do anymore.
Let me talk to those who still have angst:
Haven't you seen any number of high school high-jinx movies out there? The cool way to get back at classmates for picking on you is to get pictures of them naked or performing strip teases on spring break and using your wide knowledge of technology from all those years in the AV club to your advantage. First, you can hide the footage as an "Easter Egg" on the new-fangled DVD yearbooks. Second, you can add the footage to the school's web site. And third, you can make a shit-talking web site that exposes those of power in your school.
See? It's easy to take out your frustration on the upper social class without using a semi-automatic to do the talking. Get creative. Watch 'Mean Girls' a few more times and learn to let your hate out in a better way. Start smoking-that's an easy and rebellious way to make friends in high school. Rent 'Heathers' and dream of murder. Become really creepy and have people refer to you as the girls from "The Craft." Whatever works for you.
School rampages are so 2000. Be creative. No bombs or mass suicide. Humiliation is the way to go.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Every office has at least one or two people that it pays to be on their good sides. Not necessarily a boss, but maybe someone who has the ability to make your life a living hell on a whim. One such person in my office is fond of women's basketball, something that I detest. Even more excruciating is the fact that she also likes the University of Tennessee women's basketball. That particular shade of orange actually makes me either vomit a little in my mouth or have a mild seizure when I see it, which is all the damn time.
So, now this person comes into my office and actually seeks me out to talk to me about UT Women's basketball. I fear the wrath too much to stop her and hate the conversations too much to actually care. I hope I don't explode and actually blurt out something to allude to my loathing of bitchball.
I know there are many people out there that would get pissed at me for not liking women's basketball considering my gender. However, despite my belief in the equality of the sexes in many aspects, there are several types of females that I don't really like:
I guess I'm sexist.
On another note, with the whole Terry Schiavo case going on and her being 26 when it happened, I'm a little freaked out at the thought of a possible court case if I happened to go into a permanent vegetative state. So, if you're like me, here's a link to living wills in your state. Most states don't require a lawyer, just a couple of witnesses OR a notary public.
If you don't really want to save the world, but merely the life of a bunny. Check out Savetoby.com This guy has made nearly $20,000 by holding his rabbit for ransom. People will waste their money on anything.
Monday, March 21, 2005
After this happened a couple times on different sites, Chef told me. Seems as though the laptop he received from Dell here in Tennessee is the same one that I returned to Dell from my work. After a problem with a touchy touch pad, our IT sent it back and it just happened to find it's way to Chef. When did I send it back to Dell? BEFORE I EVEN MET CHEF. Weirdness.
Speaking of weirdness, Entertainment Weekly had a review of the actors who were reenacting the Michael Jackson trial. Apparently they liked the guy playing Jacko, but not the person being the DA. What kind of casting call do you think that was? How many people do you think they had to audition before they came up with the perfect Michael, who by the way, has yet to say anything in these reenactments?
Friday, March 18, 2005
- Change something around in your office and note how many times someone mentions it.
- Relive your youth on your computer.
- Make a list of recipes for the following week.
- Visit random blogs and leave random doomsday messages as comments.
- Watch movie trailers for movies you have no intention of ever seeing.
Maybe that's just me. Or maybe this list was an excuse to include the link to cool games like Donkey Kong, Frogger and Pac Man. Or maybe I just want to tell you that I'm up to 17 on Simon.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
The Congress asked Mark McGwire what his message would be to the public regarding steroids, and his reply was "Steroids are bad." In my head, that was followed up by a quick, "mmmkay."
On another note, did anyone else notice the mock-apology to Muslim-Americans on '24' this week? Having two proud Americans, with a Muslim or otherwise non-specific Middle Eastern descent, stand with Jack Bauer and defend against those "responsible for today's terror attacks" with shotguns? Anybody else notice the American flag draped across one of the counters?
When the hell will they get new episodes of 'Lost' back on the air? Anyone notice that Hurley's lottery numbers when added together equal 48, the number of crash survivors? Me neither, but I thank Entertainment Weekly for pointing it out.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Good news? My appetite is back and I'm hungry all the time now. Bad news? I can't smell or taste anything so I could be eating nothing of any culinary substance and be happy. On the bright side, Chef can fart as much as he wants and his desired torture effect is useless on me.
Chef is about a day behind me on the sickness scale and one would think that my miraculous recovery would be awe-inspiring, but I believe he still wants to curl up and die.
Hopefully by tomorrow the only thing we'll be suffering from is bracket fever.
Monday, March 14, 2005
I even tried to go into work today, but that wasn't working either. So I collected my computer and a few stares and "Oh my God, don't take this the wrong way, but you look like shit" and headed out of there. Luckily, I have the Chef and he's taking good care of me. I was trying to remember the last time that I took a sick day, and I think this is my first time. Well, worth it to gorge myself on juice, overmedicate my symptoms and type out the last ramblings before the Theraflu kicks in and I'm drifting off.
Good night, my friends. I hope to wake up in time to watch '24' tonight. If not, I'll be up in time to watch IU play Vanderbilt on Wednesday night. That I can be sure of.
Friday, March 11, 2005
Damn it! Today has been a day when the chest has been of great hindrance. Most women out there can relate to a couple of these things:
- Your back, shoulders, under boob area hurts
- The underwire on your bra digs into your side or worse yet, the wire pokes out of your bra to scrape the crap out of your arm.
These are pretty common things that nearly every woman with a set of knockers understands. However, there are few things that only those with the truly large chests can relate to. Here are some common complaints:
- You lean over to talk on the phone while at work and your boobs accidentally start typing random letters. Not necessarily a bad thing until your boss wonders why he got an email with only "mn.m,n.m,n'm,'nm,'n,mnmvkvvb ckvlcjvl" written on it.
- You can't got to a restaurant and order soup, oily colored salad dressings, anything with buffalo sauce or ice cream in flavors other than vanilla. If even the tiniest bit strays from the eating utensil, you will end up wearing a jaunty colored reminder that your boobs are here. It's like a buffalo-sauce arrow pointing right at your tits.
- You break a bra. Not a stray underwire, but an underwire that actually buckles under the pressure of your boob and snaps in two. Or perhaps a different break, which until recently was foreign to me, where the plastic ring that holds your strap to your bra cup breaks and flies off like a rubber band.
- You spring across the street as to not hold up motorists and are honked at and cat-called for the inadvertent bouncing of the boobs.
- You must alter your bowling follow-through to kick up your foot as to balance out the boobs.
- That backbend (and other gymnastic endeavors) that you used to do as a child? Ain't gonna happen any more.
- You can't buy a bra that doesn't look like its technology was used for parachuting purposes in World War II.
- Halter tops, tube tops, strapless gowns and button-up shirts are all fashion trends you miss out on. And you miss them. Except for the tube tops. Those are just tacky no matter what.
- Strapless bras will only work for about a 3-4 hour time frame before the cups revolt and flip over toward your waist when you sit down.
- When you hold babies, they head for the nipple because something that big must be packing lunch.
Okay, so that's enough of the boob complaining for now. Despite their downsides, I'd rather have them than do without.
On another note relating to my Bumper Sticker rant, I was cut off and almost hit by (he cut me off then swerved to switch lanes, it was RIDICULOUS!) a man with a bumper sticker that read "Keep Your Eyes on God." He must want to see God soon or else he would've KEPT HIS EYES ON THE ROAD.
I'm just saying.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Probably because Hayes also loves his pigs barbecued. He owns his own club in Memphis which is decidedly southern and even has it's own special section for Fruit Teas on the menu. And low and behold several different types of little piggy sandwiches. He could probably cut down on his costs if he could get a pig and an elephant to make love. Lots more meat.
On another note, I am worth $1,948,290 according to HumanForSale. Chef was worth more than me, but I think that's only because he's younger. And because his blonde hair is natural, but that's beside the point. Check out how much you could go for in the open market.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
So, sad little Nick Carter is claiming that he didn't realize the implications from some prescription drugs would cause the reaction with the alcohol and BAM! He's back in the spotlight. I'm a little sad to find out that the new Backstreet Boys album is due out this summer. I'm more sad because it just doesn't hold the excitement for me that it did a mere 5 years ago in college. Am I actually growing up? Or does my real boyfriend finally trump the fake ones?
Okay, so I have taken and will continue to take a lot of flak for my somewhat obsessive Backstreet behavior which is rather unlike my personality. However, I do have to say in my defense that just because I liked the Backstreet Boys does not mean that I did not realize that it was bad music. I know the difference, but their jaunty harmonies and lyrics that I couldn't think about or risk ruining the illusion kept me entertained. It also allowed me a couple of minutes to think about something silly in a time when those couple of minutes kept me sane. And for that, I thank the Backstreet Boys or Max Martin or Lou Perlman or whoever else was clever enough to get them together and then swindle them out of millions.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Perhaps I'm not that bonded in my convictions. I'm certainly not that attached to my hair color. But I can't seeing committing my car to something for the life of bumper sticker glue. Have you ever tried to scrape a bumper sticker off? It's easier to laser off a tattoo than to remove one of those bad boys. The only thing that would be on my car longer are the pine needles between my hood and the window that neither hand nor vacuum can get rid of.
I guess that's the reason that I'm still seeing election stickers on cars...from the Gore/Bush election. I also caught glimpse of a "Boycott French Products" sticker that had me longing for freedom fries. Have we outlived the usefulness of the bumper sticker?
It's purely my pleasure to know that your child is always honored at your home school or that the word of the day is legs: let's spread the word. But you'd think that with today's technology we'd find a better, less permanent way to express sarcasm.
Window clings do well, but are only used for parking passes and college alumni boasts. The car magnets were a good idea until every cause on the planet picked a color and made them into ribbons. If they were used as smart ass expressions of annoyance and elitism as they should've been, they might not be as annoying.
So, can there be a self-destructing bumper sticker? Something that will dissipate in a timely manner so that I don't have to pity the Howard Dean supporters and then replay his scream in my head. Or the gloating of the "W: Still The President" stickers.
I'm ready to move on. If only the bumper sticker wouldn't mock me.
Monday, March 07, 2005
So it all started last Tuesday when I visited a drinking hole and was immediately approached by two barely 21 year-old girls who asked me to participate in a taste test. A beer taste test? It was my lucky day. Lucky indeed because I choose the beer they were promoting and thereby received a logo-embellished sock hat and a pair of fingerless gloves that would've made any homeless person jealous.
Yesterday when shopping at Kroger, I was approached to again do some taste testing. Considering the positive experience of the beer taste testing, it was an easy choice. A or B? It seems like a simple concept until you have a person who obviously has a favorite administering the taste test. Besides, I have constantly supported the Kroger brand in many arenas of food and other products (my two exceptions being toilet paper and cokes, the things that I will never buy storebrand on) and also constantly sang the praises of the lower priced items.
I sample the butter pecan ice cream. I chose B. Kroger brand was A. The store clerk looked at me and said "Yeah, the Kroger brand was A. That other stuff is Breyer's." I immediately felt like I had been called to the board with a boner or something. However, I was determined to carry on. I stopped by the sample table for the olive oil and after careful consideration, I picked....the name brand. I tried it with Wheat Crackers, spaghetti sauce and chicken tenders. All the same.
Apparently my love of all things Kroger does not include taste.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Tawny Peaks apparently has a big heart under those bigger boobs. A portion of the proceeds from the sale of her implants are going to charity. Because of this, I have to be prepared to field any boob-related calls. I always have to be the one that gives directions to the Planned Parenthood office that's across the street too, but that's beside the point.
There are always a lot of weird things on eBay, but today my new favorite was brought to my attention by Patrick. Tawny Peaks, former exotic dancer, is selling her 39 HH implants. Not just any implants, but famous implants.
Back in 1998, Tawny was involved in a lawsuit brought to the public's attention when she swung her mommy's milk bags at a client and proceeded to thump him a couple of times on the head with said boobies.
The man sued and thus opened himself up to becoming the butt of many late night monologues. However, the best part of this story was the decision to take the case before binding arbitration in The People's Court. (Hosted then by former New York Mayor, Ed Koch). To make his decision, the Honorable Ed Koch had his female bailiff grab a boob to see if they were lethal weapons.
The man lost and then Tawny went on to move out of Florida to Detroit to 'begin a new life' a la Pretty Woman. She also took out the implants to "keep it real." Real saggy.
Now to raise some cash for her three kids and her husband, she is selling her boobie on eBay for a mere $999.00. Now you can check them out here.
I'm thinking of selling my boobs to the highest bidder. Maybe advertise on them with temporary tattoos to raise some cash of my own. It's plenty of good real estate in a high traffic area. I think I could get a lot for them.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Every morning as I pass the American Red Cross building and for the last week or so, a single man marches back and forth outside. After first, he carried a crutch with a sign on it that read, "Discrimination is alive in 2005. American Red Cross has unfair hiring practices." From one standpoint, I had to immediately think of Kramer's strike against the bagel company. I also admired that it was freezing and he was outside.
However, the marketing person in me wanted to tell him to shorten his signs to increase readership. This side of me comes out in the least compassionate ways. Once I saw a homeless man with his sign written in ball point pen. I thought my highest contribution to him could be a Sharpie.
Sharpies aside, it's hard to think of time when someone didn't "yada, yada, yada" or "double dip." Every time I go to Atlanta Bread Company, I chuckle when I see that they see muffin tops. I have to suppress the urge to shout "Top of the Muffin to You!" at the top of my lungs. Self-restraint has never really been a strong suit of mine and this pretty much stretches me to my limits.
You're sooo good looking.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
- Subway Chicken Bacon Ranch Toasted Subs - I'm not sucking up to Jared, they really are that good. I also like marveling at the convection oven that toasts and melts things to perfection in only 20 seconds. I want one.
- Heath Magic Shell Once only available at the DQ, now near your grocer's freezer. If heaven is chocolate coated, they're using this to do it.
- The Cream N Crimson Pizza from Aver's Nearly entirely at fault for my freshman 15 and a good way that I got to laugh at my family. ("SEE?!!?! Potatoes, Bacon, cheese and alfredo do make a great pizza!")
- The Braun Oral B Toothbrush Truly the only thing that gets me to lick my teeth for 10 minutes on end.
- TiVo If you aren't a part of the TiVolution, then you should be. There's a reason why everyone raves about it. It's like have your own channel and filling it with Little House on the Prairie and Gilmore Girls episodes. If you like that kind of thing.
- Patrick's Spinach Artichoke Dip If you are lucky enough to meet Patrick and don't ask him to make the Spinach Artichoke Dip, then you doing yourself harm. It's not him. It's you.
- Scooby Doo pajama Pants The fact that Lara remembered that I wanted to make Scooby Doo pants FIVE YEARS after I mentioned it and actually made them make these the most comfortable thing in the world.
- That Kim is gone on '24' I don't care that they tried to make her hair look sassy in the second season or made her a badass CTU agent last season. Her character sucked and always had to be rescued from something.
- Kaitlyn in Pigtails Fine, you don't know Kaitlyn. But I can assure you that she's the cutest thing in the world and adding pigtails only makes her cuter.
That's it for now. Yes, there's a lot of food on there, but you've met me. You know I'm a great lover of all things edible. Give me a break already!