Tuesday, August 29, 2006

We Didn't Really Think He Did It, Did We?

When a friend of mine was lamenting her singlehood the other day with my favorite phrase "I'm going to be alone FOREVER," I told her some good news.

"Ninety percent of all people get married. John Mark Karr was married TWICE, so I think you've got a good shot at walking down the aisle at least once."

Sad, but true. That man is creepy with a capital C and as happy as I was that he was off the streets, even the streets of Bangkok, I never really bought it. I think he was so obsessed with JonBenet Ramsey that hoped he'd done it. His pathetic life would be worth something if he'd done it. The public actually did make it worth a second glance when the story first hit the air.

All I hope is that he gets busted on Dateline for showing up at the house of a 12 year-old decoy or that he's tailed until he gets caught. However, even with one creepy man off the street, there are bound to be millions more still out there. The odds are in the creepy men's favor.

Speaking of creepy guys in the news, my favorite asshole ex-quarterback was signed by the Oakland Raiders yesterday. Jeff George, a former Colt, has such a big mouth that he was T.O. before T.O. was cool. And now, after FIVE years out of the NFL, he's back in...at 38 years old. I'm sure he won't start or even play much, but let me just say this: The last time Jeff George took a snap, Tom Brady wasn't even a starting QB in the NFL. Here's hoping next time he'll stay retired.

Well, the countdown has wound down. I'm heading overseas tomorrow and I'm really excited. Actually at 4:30 the day before I leave, I'm more excited about not having to be at work tomorrow than the actual trip. The trip won't seem real until my Pumas hit pavement in a country where English isn't really spoken or if it is, it's spoken with a weird accent. And Alabama doesn't count.

If I get my 5,000th visitor while I'm gone, please leave me a comment so I know who it was. And I'm actually close to 5,000 this time!

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Like Tide for Fossil Fuels

While staying in a Hilton last week, I noticed the large retractable clothesline they had in the bathroom. Hanging from the line was an info card explaining that if you hung your towels up, you would be forfeiting your wash for that day. The warm fuzzy was that you'd be hugging a tree, because "hotels use up a lot of natural resources in the daily washing of linens." The next line touted the millions of gallons of water used and the tons of detergent wasted.

What? Since when did Cheer become a natural resource?? Can I use it to power my car? No? Then it's just another manmade item. Stop trying to con me, Hilton. I want fresh towels and it's gonna cost you.

On another odd note, one of Osama bin Laden's exes tells us that he had Whitney Houston on his "freebie list." It makes you wonder if he gets Being Bobby Brown in his cave. Now I can't stop picturing Osama bin Laden sticking his fingers up Whitney's butt to pull a turd out. I'm not sure how the coke habit would have worked into Islam, but maybe I'm wrong. Perhaps Osama would've turned "Crack is Whack" into "Iraq is Whack." I've had some creepy guys have a crush on me before, but this would definitely take the prize.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Like having a fat person doing Weight Watchers ads

Last month I got a new Marie Claire in the mail with Ashlee Simpson on the cover. I actually love Marie Claire because it seems to be even slightly smarter than the average chick mag, but on this occasion, they blew it. The theme of the issue was "The Body Issue." It was promoting a healthier body image and all that self-love crap that these mags roll out once a year when using a size 8 model instead of size 0.

Either way having someone who has been rumored to have plastic surgery in an article to talk to teens about self-esteem. Classy. I didn't think I was good enough, but I'm here to tell you that you are. That's like having a drunk person take you to an AA meeting.

On another note, I was in beautiful Birmingham last week for a work conference. There's nothing more inspiring than a Birmingham Hilton. Especially being stuck there for four days and being fed salad...just salad, for every lunch. My colon has been completely cleansed.

Well, only 9 days until my overseas adventure. Luckily chapstick is not considered a liquid. My Carmex, however, will have to be checked.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Stuff We Already Know

  1. "Get that kid off the escalator!" -Before he was Earl, Jason Lee said that line a couple times in the underrated Kevin Smith movie, Mallrats. Now, only several years later do we learn he was right. Of course, we alreayd knew that.
  2. Seeing Captain Insane-o slam a person into the ground numerous times is enough to make kids want to try it at home. It's been years and I'm still using the Hulk Hogan arm-twisting-to-the-ear manevuer. It's only natural to know that kids will try this at home...especially if you tell them not to.
  3. When you let other people talk for you, you often get burned. Perhaps it was the whiskey or maybe the lack of water or perhaps you should've come up with a better excuse or NO excuse at all. Of course that would've prevented having to hit up every major talk show today. All accounts at this point say that Landis is ridin' dirty.
  4. If your career hasn't gone anywhere in years and you're trying to make a name for yourself, comment on a scandal that you're only tangentially connected to one of the players in. Works every time. Worked for Swayze.
And that's stuff you already for today. Back tomorrow when we talk about making sure kids are wearing seat belts, how eating glass is harmful and why cyanide can kill.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Whoops, you're NOT going out of business

Our local paper had a fuck up so big that the correction went on the FRONT page next to the top headline. When was the last time you remember seeing something like that?

A local columnist who has a quirky name related to her weekly stories about her thriftiness had mentioned that a boutique was donating their clothes to a charity instead of having their annual 75 percent off sale. The article was positive because they knew the money would be used well and the clothes would still be heavily discounted. Apparently, the headline writer did not really read all of the story, because he/she assumed that the clothes were being donated because the store was going out of business. Not the case.

I don't know if the store threatened to sue or pull the big dollars worth of business that they advertise with the paper, but I've never seen so many things done for a "make good." Aside from the front page correction, they also got a front of the local section article. It was really newsworthy too. The article was all about how the boutique was carrying new brands...including Stella McCartney. Lord knows that I'd rather know where to get some great jeans than what happened in yesterday's primaries.

Well, it's Friday and I must go home. I've spent the last hour eyeing my pink beaded necklace because it reminds me of bubblegum and I really want to bite into it. I'm really tired.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Mel Gibson, Steroids and Good Excuses

Raise your hand out there if you thought many months ago that there could be something to those claims of anti-Semitism surrounding Mel Gibson.

Okay, put your hand down now. It seems absurd to me how many times we'll go against our instincts and say we're being politically correct. It's not politically correct to call Mel Gibson a Jew-hater because he made a Jesus movie. And we could write off the crazy shit his father was saying because he's a crazy old man.

Political correctness did not give Mel Gibson the benefit of the doubt. The Lethal Weapon movies did. His celebrity was the only reason we wanted to believe better of him. If you saw a drunk friend of yours spewing that "Jews were the reason for all the wars in the world," would you laugh it off or really start to think. That's all I'm saying. Drunks don't lie.

On another note, I can now say that I have heard the absolute best excuse for steriod use ever. Or at least until the next excuse comes out. Jason Gatlin, US Olympian and Gold medal runner, allegedly failed a drug test . Jason Gatlin's camp says his alleged positive drug test comes from a
massage. Yes, a massage. Coaches allege that a masseuse with a grudge against Gatlin rubbed the steriods into him using a laced-lotion.

When I tell Chef this, he looks at me and says "Do you know this isn't true?" And while I can't tell him that I have the proof, I'm going with my instincts on this one and I'm gonna stick to them until proven otherwise.

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