Friday, April 29, 2005

Needlework Nooners

There are many joys to dating Chef and he's added many things to my life. The one thing that is lower on the list, but still notable, is the abundance of Internet clips and photos that float into my inbox. I think it must be a guy thing because it seems like these web sites were tailored to the dirty of mind and strong of stomach.

Anyway, the funniest thing that he's tossed my way lately has been a web site for a very ingenious and entrepreneurial girl. She's taken her love of her needlework and her vagina to a new level. For a small price, she will crochet a vagina for you. It can be with or without pubic hair (without shaves a dollar off the price) and with or without a clitoris (with stimulates a dollar increase in the price).

While many would wonder why one would want to own a crocheted crotch, I find myself enthralled with this businesswoman. Her idea is certainly more creative than anything the Apprentice candidates came up with for the clutter challenge (Wow. A big revolving desk caddy. How unique.) Plus she's marketing this herself on the net and it made it's way to my inbox and now on to you.

Enjoy the Needleworked Nooner!

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Stuck in the Middle With You

Have you ever been in a room full of people who do your job but for another company? Yesterday I was and it was hell on heels. My limited, yet insightful experience within the world of PR has taught me that for the most part, I hate PR people. They're the overachieving, always needing attention and yet slightly alienated people that you sat next to in high school. Yes, I realize that that could technically describe me, but these people have two things that I utterly lack: genuine enthusiasm and self-awareness.

The particular PR person I was annoyed by and actually spent most of my time avoiding was from one of the hospitals in the system of hospitals that sponsored this event. She was supposed to be at the event in a volunteer capacity showing people the health screening areas and things of that nature. She is the type of woman that could make walking look uncomfortable and hazardous in sensible, square-heeled shoes, yet chose to push the limits of gravity in her stilettos.

Instead of doing her volunteer job, the media whore got between me and the TV crew that I summoned to the event and tried to be a spokesperson. Luckily I knew the camera guy and therefore told him if he used any of the footage with her in it, there would be no more free lunches in his future. Instead, he used the chairs of the event in his story, as I requested.

Media Whore then proceeded to follow me around and ask me what other media outlets were going to be there. After running down the list, she told me she would have gotten more. I could have listed every media outlet in Nashville and she still would have insisted she could've done a better job. My boss, who was in from Atlanta to "observe me" during the event, was kind enough to run some interference for me.

Nonetheless the event is over and I have no more organized events until October. It's totally time for a vacation.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Sanding is the death of me

So, perhaps I underestimated the time it would take to fully modify the walls in Chef's (and my) apartment. When I told Chef that I wanted to have the kitchen's wallpaper removed and the bathroom's walls spackled, sanded and primed by dinner on Saturday night, he rightly told me I was kidding. I set off in a huff to prove him wrong and dammit, if he wasn't right. I had VASTLY underestimated the crappy, crackly conditions of the walls in the bathroom.

So, with a rejuvenated heart, I woke on Sunday to start sanding again. About an inch of dust later, I was in tears. Frustrated and bitchy, Chef finally cheered me up and convinced me to get back at it. So, I FINALLY got the sanding done and then two coats of primer. In between the coats, Chef taught me how to make really good Chicken Parmesan. He's an excellent teacher, but I have to admit to getting really nervous when he's in the kitchen. It makes me do stupid things.
Anyway, the bathroom's primed and except for areas behind the fridge and stove, the wallpaper's all gone. It's starting to look normal and I love it. I'm going to love it even more when it's all done.

On another note, I felt very much like Winnie the Pooh on Friday because it was a blustery day here. Sunny, but cold and windy. I was driving along this fairly busy street and when I passed a Mexican restaurant on my right, one of their giant rainbow-colored umbrellas came over the fence and rolled right into my car. Luckily, I got hit by the umbrella end and not the giant metal pole. Cam came out unscathed, but there was a parked car that wasn't as lucky. This was the SECOND of two umbrellas that came flying over the fence from that restaurant. All I have to say is SAND OR CONCRETE BASES, PEOPLE!!

This morning people were on high alert in our office. The VP of HR from our main office showed up unannounced. At least, unannounced to most of us. This usually happens when someone is going to be fired, so everyone was on their toes. Come to find out, he's here to interview people for a position that has no immediate boss right not to do the interviews. Nothing like a crap scare first thing on a Monday morning.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Bye Bye Bren, Hello Backstreet

Dammit. Bren was the only one on The Apprentice that I actually kind of liked. He was a smartass, not afraid to smoke and I just had a feeling that he could kick it into gear when it was time. Unfortunately, the latter was not the case. The boy was smart, but not at all creative and that's what did him in. Well, that's not entirely true. Alex is the same way but he just had more fight left in him.

I mean, did you SEE the design for the "clutter reducing" thing? It takes your desk clutter and just moves it to another desk. The other design wasn't all that innovative either, but at least it was smaller.

Is anyone else sick of Craig?? He's not that hardworking, not that smart and has subsequently avoided the ax by not doing much of anything. I'm actually not impressed with any of these people. Apparently the Donald is covering his butt too because he just gave the original apprentice, Bill Rancic, a contract extension.

Speaking of clutter, the Backstreet Boys are back and cluttering my mind again. I used to agonize over the grammatical errors in their songs (tragical....really?) and the impossibilities of their sentences. They're back and although the lyrics aren't much better, I can say that the new song, 'Incomplete,' does not really include any harmonies. That's right. In an attempt to dispel the myth that boy bands are all slick and no substance, the Boys made sure that none of them sing together at the same time. Was this because they all can't stand Nick and so he's forced to record his parts without anyone else present? If no one sings together, plays music together or records together, can they still be called a group?

Which leads me to a question that has often disturbed me. The thing where guys go to a movie together but they leave a seat in between them as to avoid the whole homosexual inference that apparently sitting next to each other would cause. If the guys show up the movie in separate cars, sit with seats in between them and leave separately, did they really see a movie together or separately?

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

A Day with Frickin' Idiots

If there ever comes a time when you start to gain respect and admiration for the people you work with, nothing will kill that quicker than a day of computer software training. For the first hour or so of dumbass questions, I try to picture my co-workers as my mom. Not in the literal sense, but in that "Picture the annoying old lady driving in front of you as your wonderful grandma" kind of way. My mom was a smart lady, but not the quickest when it came to technology.

That works for about an hour, but when it dawns on you that their stupidity is going to necessitate you being in class longer, it starts to piss you off. The questions. Oh the questions. The instructor would go over something clearly and then one them would ask the same question because they were too busy talking to pay attention.

Yes, I was a dork in class, but people talking in class didn't mean that the bell was going to ring any later. Them talking in training means that my ass has to sit for another HOUR before the lunch break. All the "cute" smiley face magnets and chocolate treats given to you like a dog when you do well is not enough to push back my sandwich, dammit.

On another note, the bitchy Alex and Lynn were FINALLY booted from The Amazing Race. In their exit interview they talked all about how they were really in it for the experience and that they met so many friends on the trip. Friends they talked shit about and totally screwed over in a race for Sixth place. Anyone that says they're so desperate for a skin care regimen that they'd DRINK toner is clearly not going to be comfortable traveling to foreign countries.

I'm also totally over the old people, Meredith and Gretchen. Gretchen is starting to sound like a 12 year-old boy and her climbing into the elephant was enough to make Chef stop the TiVo and marvel at her stupidity. They got the "bad elephant," the "slow camel," and the "bad taxi" and yet still didn't get booted.

Oh well. At least Lost is on tonight.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

We have a Pope, but not a good cell phone plan

And he's a Kraut. Dammit. I was actually hoping to see the African cardinal get elected. Instead there's John Paul's confidant, Pope Benedict XVI. Isn't it weird that this guy goes his whole life by one name and all of a sudden he picks a completely different name? It's like if we made all of our president's decided between the names John, George, Thomas and William. Nonetheless, if you're curious about the various names, check out this google answer. What's even scarier is the person who predicted the next pope's name "according to the prophecy" back in like September. Weird.


So after years of loyalty and being crapped on, I'm totally switching cell providers. I think me and Chef are going to get a joint account to save some money and call each other for free. Plus we'd both get snazzy new phones and my analog piece of crap is ready to be pitched. We're still up in the air about where we're going to go, so take the survey and leave a comment. I'd love to know what you all think of your cell provider.





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Monday, April 18, 2005

Perforating, spraying, stripping

Chef and I actually went out and did stuff this weekend. It was one of those weekends where you don't really have much planned, but you end up tripping into stuff that needs to be done. Like those times you run into Best Buy or Circuit City or CompUSA with the intent to buy a part or adapter and you end up dropping way more money.

That was yesterday. Trying to set up the TiVo at Chef's place, which will soon be Chef's and my place, we discovered a need for an Ethernet to USB adapter. Of course, when going to buy one, we discovered that a wireless network was on SUPER sale and were soon sucked into the world of being technologically advanced. Mind you that up until now, I've been working with dial-up Internet and that I only got cable a little over a year ago, but whatever. Anyway, now we're hooked up and Tito the TiVo is running nicely.

However, in a back alley handshake deal, the TiVo only came over in exchange for some minor renovations. You see, Chef's apartment is spacious, well-lit, in a FABULOUS location and a great deal BUT there's a little matter of some wallpaper. The outer bathroom area was slathered in full-on pink tulips circa 1987. The kitchen is navy, metallic stripe-tastic. So with a "I'm not going to get my deposit back anyway" attitude, Chef gave me permission to strip the wallpaper and paint it something more neutral.

So, with solvent, perforator and scraper in hand, I got the majority of the bathroom done yesterday. Now, says Chef, we're living in a crackhouse. There my baby's crackhouse.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Britney: Not Fat, Just Pregnant

Okay, Britney,you're an idiot. We get it. A couple weeks ago she goes on rant about the tabloids and their false reporting. She rips them a new one for spreading fallacies and even compares them to People magazine (which isn't great reporting or great writing, by the way. Have you ever noticed that it takes like 5 correspondents to put together a 1000 word article?). Anyway, the point is she berated them for reporting something CORRECTLY.

Turns out, dear girl Spears, is actually pregnant. Fine. Be pregnant. But why are you cursing the tabloids for actually reporting something right for a change. It didn't really buy her any more time. But I guess since she waited an extra week, it'll be better coverage for her TV show.

By the way, that damn Barry Gibbs Talk Show theme is STILL stuck in my head. That was almost funnier than watching Justin Timberlake cry during the first season of Punk'd. Actually is WAS funnier.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Free lunch

I've gotten into the habit of taking plenty of business cards with me when I go out. They printed me 500 when I first started and more than a year into my job and I'm only halfway through them. Of course, then it was decided that I had to have additional business cards made with the logo of our other subset association. It was too cost-efficient, I guess, to make a business card design with BOTH logos on it.

Now that makes 500 more that I have to pawn off on unsuspecting people. About 750 business cards that I make sure to take wherever I go. Not to network, make introductions or even use as scratchpaper for other people's phone numbers. I take my cards so that I can leave them in the varied fishbowls of drawings that nearly every place has for its business lunch customers. It's been my sole ambition to win as many free lunches for me (and some times up to 10 of my friends) as humanly possible.

Sure, there really is no such thing as a free lunch. To get the fruits of my card droppings, I usually have to pick something up or listen to a short selling spiel. My favorite prize includes the gift certificate giveaway. They usually add your email to the mailing list, but it's easy to unsubscribe. However, in my 18 months of droppings I've gotten free lunches on three occasions for a total of 10 people.

That's an estimated value of about $100. Not too bad a return on investment considering my company only paid about $60 total for my business cards. The company gets something out of it too. First of all, I usually take a bunch of my co-workers with me, so they get back some happy employees. Secondly, I've freed up a bit (albeit small amount) of extra money that makes me not curse the bit (albeit small) amount of money they pay me.

Overall, it's a win-win situation and if you've got some extra business cards, I highly suggest taking a few to drop them in the fishbowl. A belly-full of free food and one less business card to get rid of.

On a side note, because of Schultz's damn mention of The Barry Gibbs Talk Show, Chef and I have been singing that damn theme song all day. Chef is convinced that it was the lingering catchiness of the theme song that convinced Lorne Michaels to put it on the air. So, if anyone knows where we can find an online clip or downloaded a clip of it, let me know.

Talkin' bout crazy gold medallions.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

No Mo Drama

There's something to be said for not living near your family. It's amazing that just a few hours of driving spares me the numerous stories and gossip from the family. Also it gives me a reprieve from the grandma that thinks I'm a 32 year-old "funny girl." If you're living anywhere near the epicenter of your family fault line, I highly suggest sidestepping the guilt and giving yourself a little bit of distance. Getting a break from the daily drama and chaos that comes with family is well worth having to drive a couple of times a year to visit.

On another note, was it just me or did Saturday Night Live seem to feature less Cameron Diaz and more Jimmy Fallon? I'm not complaining because I don't think Cameron Diaz is hot or funny, but I'm just saying. She kinda got dicked on that deal. Even Justin got more laughs and screen time than she did.

Friday, April 08, 2005

The Definition of Self-Serving

A Tennessee State Senator named John Ford went to court a couple months ago to seek reduced child support payments under the protection of a new law giving leniency to parents of multiple children. All in all not that bad of a story until you consider that he's seeking protection under a law that HE SPONSORED. Here's the deal:
  1. He lives part-time with his ex-wife and their two kids (another one on the way).
  2. He lives part-time with his girlfriend and their two kids.
  3. He's seeking relief from payments to his second girlfriend for their kid.
I can understand why he took about $1.1 million to help pay for his oldest daughter's wedding.

On another note, in the land of fake names, "Ron Mexico" is being sued for giving a woman he slept with Herpes Simplex 2. "Ron Mexico" is actually Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, who was just re-signed with them for like $130 million. The Falcons even said that they wanted him as a franchise player because of his clean image. It only makes me more thankful for John Belgium. I mean Peyton Manning.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Josh Gracin went to Church Street Station

Tonight I had to emcee a little bit of the country music event at a country club. The local sportscaster that had been roped into emceeing the day before was too nice to make stay an extra hour to say two lines. So, anyway, I had to thank the musician and introduce the ending of the silent auction.

The artist was an American Idol reject that had found his way to Nashville and I have to say that his voice was pretty damn good. However, his name was too damn hard to say. It's Josh Gracin. Like Grace-in. You go ahead and say it three times and see how great you sound. I had to overannunciate to get it done. Nonetheless I felt like I was trying to spit out Church Street Station.

Chef was nice enough to accompany me to this event. He got to see the true joy of taking rich people's pictures for society pages and making sure a local sportscaster is happy. Thank God he was there to help break up my long stretches of ass-kissing.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Passed Over?

I was in Walgreen's the other day buying drastically discounted Easter candy. Easter candy is my favorite of all holiday-oriented candy. It doesn't include anything nasty like circus peanuts (Halloween) or peanut brittle (Christmas). The candy itself is all stellar: jelly beans, chocolate, chicks & ducks Sweettarts. Plus it has the added bonus of being adorned in all of the best and brightest pastel colors.

Anyway, I was in Walgreen's buying my after-Easter candy and the clerks were in the process of moving it from the "Seasonal" aisle to the discount shopping cart abyss. One of the clerks was said that she had put the Passover items on sale that morning and the other clerk told her to take them off of the sale because Passover hadn't happened yet. The following dialogue follows their resulting conversation:

Clerk A: But I thought Passover was always when Easter was?
Clerk B: No, Passover and Easter are two different holidays. Passover usually happens near Easter though.
A: Oh. What religion celebrates Passover anyway?
B: I don't know. Muslim, I think? Somewhere in the Middle East. I can't remember.
A: Easter was so early this year.

(Long pause as the two continue to pull candy from the shelves and I try to quickly find the Sweettarts, but to no avail).

B: How come Easter always moves like it does? I mean, how can they just pick when Jesus's birthday is? I wish I could just pick a day for my birthday.
A: I never thought about that. That's so right. I wish I could pick a day for my birthday. I'd always pick like Memorial Day or Labor Day, because then I'd have a three-day weekend for my birthday.
B: Yeah, that'd be nice. I guess you have to be the son of God to have your birthday move around like that.

(At this point imagine me in the aisle trying hard not to laugh and really wishing I could find the candy that I wanted).

B: Wait. If Easter is Jesus's birthday, then what's Christmas?
A: Oh yeah. Hmmm.

Just when I think the South is so clearly the Bible Belt, I hear something like that and realize that I know more atheists and agnostics that know more about Passover, Easter and religion in general than these two. Perhaps the Gospel was spread too thin by the time it got to them.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Moisturizing My Situation

So, has anyone else seen the new Pro Activ commercial featuring P. Diddy? Remember the days when Pro Activ was only being hawked by Judith Light? Now everyone from Vanessa Williams to Jessica Simpson is getting in on the deal. Anyway, P. Diddy's commercial included some pretty funny quotes, such as "I'll be straight up: I didn't want no bumps on my face."

Who can argue with that? No one really wants bumps on their face and I appreciate his honesty in being "straight up" with me.

Next he advocated Pro Activ because he was "moisturizing my situation. I need it to help preserve the sexy." Now I have no earthly idea why a "situation" might need to be moisturized. I don't know what situation would cause for moisturization on a dire level other than a drought, but that's just me. However, I think we can all relate to wanting to "preserve the sexy." My sexy needs a lot of attention for its preservation, but I think that outcome is well worth it.

Lastly, the most irritating thing was the lack of correct pronunciation. This man is a self-proclaimed media mogul and yet he can't seem to pronounce the "th" on the end of thing. Here's an example: "Pro Activ helped smoov it out. It's worf a try." If this was a lisp or some sort of speech impediment, I'd let it go. But I'm fairly certain the affectation is concocted to provide some sort of image.

However, isn't the tough yet pampered image gone by now? Aren't we back around to the grunge days when no one was using hair product or deodorant to prove their devotion to their music?

I gotta go preserve my sexy.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Half-Ass Racket

Why is it that every other company that serves the public not only tries to gain new customers, but also tries to serve their existing costumer, while cell phone companies only try to gain new customers?

It really pisses me off that cell phone providers dick their customers. Take my cell phone company, Sprint. I've been with them for more than 5 years and what do I get for my loyalty? Jack shit. They have yet to lower their rates for existing customers, but feel free to offer new customers their Fair & Flexible plan, more minute for less money and lower costs for their wireless web access.

However, what really pisses me off is the racket they pull when you want a new phone. For five years, I've only gotten one phone directly from Sprint. The other two have been second hand phones. The first phone cost me about $80 and was totally analog.

While new customers get $150 worth of INSTANT rebates, the existing customers are forced to pay upwards of $200 for a phone that holds a charge longer than 5 minutes. I know that Sprint doesn't offer a phone for less than $149 and none of them without a camera phone. What's up with that shit? What happened to the no-frills solid and sturdy economy phone?

I'm probably most upset at their new attempt not to dick old customers that really is just another way to dick old customers. They claim that they will offer their existing clients up to $150 in rebates towards a new phone. First of all, the rebates are mail-in meaning you have to pay the money up front. Secondly, I had no purchased a new phone in 5 years from Sprint, yet they made me wait more than 6 months into the program before I was eligible. I was eligible for the month of January and since I didn't take advantage in January, I then was told I was not eligible again until September. Meaning I had a total wait time of 15 months if I want to get a new phone from Sprint. Total craptasticness.

Anyway, if you have a cell phone provider that values its customers, let me know. I'd happily switch and take advantage of getting a new free phone and a great cheap-ass plan.

Friday, April 01, 2005

A Limerick for the Ages (Updated)

Here's a poem, a limerick actually, for you to enjoy:

There once was a girl in Nashville
Who was feeling rather ill
She went to the doctor
What he said shocked her
What wasn't working? The Pill.

Author's Note: Please take a look at the date of this entry. If you think that I would tell my friends and family that I was knocked up with a blog entry, then you really don't know me at all. I would at least do a mass email.

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