Writing for the Enemy

I've done a fairly good job up to this point in my life avoiding politics. Don't get me wrong. I have to join in the fight when I'm called to duty for work, but for the most point, I try to leave my opinions out of my work.

I even made it a point not to pursue traditional journalism in college for fear of having to do the "hard news" and be forced to sit in countless city council meeting. Little did I know that I would end up sitting in city council and school board meetings anyway.

Nonetheless, imagine my surprise when I was asked to write a speech for a very conservative and popular Senator that I'm not a big fan of. It's an honor for sure. And when I'm ready to apply at the Heritage Foundation, I'll make sure to mention it.

On another note, I had a moment of pure rage and empowerment the other night. My friend Greg and I were at the movies seeing RENT when we were unfortunate enough to be in the same theater as ten middle school age kids. Five sat in the back row of the nearly empty theater and five sat in the front row. They yelled back and forth to each other during the movie, threw hats and scarves at the screen and were generally annoying.

I was tolerant at first thinking back to my own days of showing off for the crowds. However, my nostalgia wore off about 5 minutes later. After one guy shouted "Shut the fuck up!" the group quieted down for about two minutes. When they started up again, I had had enough. I got out of my seat, marched up to them and said "You need to shut the fuck up or I'm getting a manager to toss your asses out of here. I paid my money to see this movie and I'm going to see. So shut up or leave!"

I sat down and the adrenaline was pumping. It's yet more proof that perhaps children aren't really right for me. Nonetheless they quieted down and then five minutes later they all left. Greg and I were happen to watch the rest of the movie in peace. And quiet.

In My Head, I'm Worth More than All of Them

Forbes has an article out that just makes me warm and fuzzy for the holidays: The Forbes' Fictional 15. Fifteen fake people that are the richest in the world. If it's not bad enough that we have to be reminded of REAL people that are richer than us by Time .

The thing that kills me is the time that was spent on the issue. Articles about who dropped out, why Ted Clampett moved up (Black Gold, Texas Tea, Bubbling Crude-- They all mean the same thing: CASH), articles about the conditions and hours in Santa's workshop, the business philosophies of Montgomery Burns, and all kinds of other crazy crap. If I wanted fake news, I'd watch The Daily Show. I'd hate to have been someone that paid for that.

Besides, I bet that in my mind, I'm a WAY bigger fictional billionaire than those people. I spend at least $20-100,000 a day by going "Wow! I could really use a new car" or "Man, I wonder how much that house cost?" I've already accumulated billions by my fabulous inventions, my best-selling novel and my three movie appearances (one of which garnered an Oscar nomination last year).

In my head, I smoke all those bitches.

Everybody Wayne Chunn Tonight!

Yesterday during a conference call, I picked up a newspaper that had been lying on my desk and laughed out loud at the expert on the front page. Of course, I happened to laugh when one of my colleagues was discussing the fishing out of dead bodies from New Orleans, but I recovered miserably with a "I have to laugh or I'm going to cry."

The cause of yet another social faux pas: L. Glasscock. That was the guy's name. Well, I abbreviated the first name to protect the unfortunate, but you get the point. that's just a bad name.

It reminded me of the names that I would randomly come across in my time doing phone solications. I kept a list and am sharing them with you:

Curley Bumpus (Perhaps a different take on “bumpin’ nasties”)

Hugh Callaly (say this one out loud)

Wayne Chunn (Everybody have fun tonight!)

Crystal Glass

Mary Beaver

Harry Person

Teenie Hooker

Muff Farmer

Marina Plant

Oakerlene Corpier (it’s just funny)

Sometimes I'm more like a 12 year-old than I would like to admit!

Shove that Candy Cane Up Your Ass

People are already starting with the office Christmas shit and frankly, I'm ready to shove their cheer right up next to the candy cane.

First of all, people are decorating their individual offices. Okay, I understand wanting to celebrate the changing of the seasons. I even have a little snowman that was gifted to me in the office exchange one year sitting on a bookcase. However, he's also holding a sign that counts down the days until Christmas vacation. Not the holiday, just the glorious days that I don't have to be here.

However, there are others that are going overboard. Lights, trees, motion-detecting musical items that aren't turned off when their owners are gone. If the Scooby-doo lunchbox I had on my file cabinet two years ago was considered tacky and I was told to take it down, why do the wreath made entirely of glitter (which is on the floor) and the singing Santa get a stay of execution?

Aside from all that, there's the annual Christmas party. We've had one every year for the 4 previous Christmases that I've been here. Last year, I was unable to go to the party because one of my co-workers scheduled a TV commercial to be shot in the middle of it. Then she refused to go comfort her nervous volunteers on set because "well, I don't want to miss the party." This is the same woman that called her assistant into the office when her assistant called in sick, yet took the afternoon off to do Christmas shopping.

This year it didn't seem like we were having a party. Then I looked at the calendar. Some people were having a Christmas party. I just wasn't invited. That's right. Only half of the office is invited. And the worst part is that they tried to keep it a secret, yet mysteriously half of the office has an "off-site staff meeting."

There's no "I" in team but there is in "Christmas," bitches.

Puffy, Swollen Eyes

I had passed it many times at Blockbuster. There were several things going for it that I wasn't too keen on:

1. It was about boxing and I don't get the point of two people beating the shit out of each other.
2. It had Hillary Swank who reminds me of Secretariat.
3. Clint Eastwood kind of creeps me out.

However, when it came in the mail from Blockbuster, I felt I had no choice but to watch Million Dollar Baby. For some reason, I at least attempt to watch whatever I've put on our Blockbuster list. It's like taking responsibility for my poor choices. I may have felt like watching a Bollywood version of a movie called "Bride & Prejudice" because it had Naveen Andrews in it at the time, but when actually faced with watching 2 hours of singing and dancing Jane Austen, the task was too much to bear.

With Million Dollar Baby, my interest was peaked. I knew very little about it other than the chick boxed and Morgan Freeman was in it. I have to say that I was highly impressed. Yes, it won a bunch of Oscars, but there's only a handful of Oscar contenders that I've seen in the last couple of years.

Anyway, if you haven't seen it, check it out. It went to places that I totally didn't see coming and I ended the night with a stuffy nose and swollen eyes, which are still plaguing me today. The story was great and after doing some research on the author, F.X. Toole, it's interesting to read some of the other things he's written.

That was my exciting night last night. I was hoping for something decent to watch on TV, but it appears the networks have left for Christmas vacation early. I mean, really, NBC! An Elton John concert that features Pamela Anderson pole dancing to the Bitch is Back. Is that really the best you have to offer?

Play On, Playa

I generally like to stay away from sports-related blogs, but I can't help myself today. The Colts won again making them 13-0. Having just clinched home field advantage for the play-offs, there's talk about whether they should sit their starters out for the next couple of games or play out the season and try for the 16-0.

Here's my vote: play it out. After every game they win when the subject of going 16-0 comes up, how do Colts players, management and coaches respond? "We're going to take it one game at a time."

Great. Fine, but if you're going to give me a sports cliche, can you at least live up to it? By taking starters out now, the team would not being playing it one game at a time. They'd be playing for 4 games from now. And if they're going to start predicting the future now, then why didn't they rest their starters for the last couple of games and just played Arizona at full force the last week of the season to clinch things. It would've given them the atmosphere of a play-off game because if they lost, they'd be jeopardizing things they'd worked all season for.

I realize that people get injured. People get hurt and can't play and that's bad for the team. But being a great team means playing your ass off and overcoming things that like. Or we could be like the Eagles and rest our starters to lose momentum and then lose the Superbowl.

If playing to the end goes wrong, Coach Dungy can always blame me.

On another note, my Christmas hysteria is starting to overtake me. I've only gotten three presents bought and I'm starting to panic. Plus we've got to send stuff to Chef's family in Florida which makes me more nervous. Please tell me someone else out there hasn't really started yet too.

I Feel Gay (Not that there's anything wrong with that)

And I'm feeling it in the correct usage for the word. I'm happy. I'm also in what is classified as a "domestic partnership", for the first time in almost 6 years.

What brought this about? Health insurance. My company is going through the usual open enrollment and for the first time in history they're offering insurance for domestic partners. I've never had need for this, as I've only lived with relatives and college roommates, but this year, it's coming in handy. With Chef starting school in January, our need for joint insurance has made itself abundantly clear. So having that option has made me gay (happy).

However, classifying Chef as my domestic partner makes me feel gay. The requirements to do so are written to be somewhat specific, not too stringent and very non-offensive. In fact, one of the terms includes the phrase "engaged in a committed relationship of mutual caring and support." Not exactly how or where I'd choose to profess my support and mutual caring of Chef, but whatever works.

The last time I was in a "domestic partnership," it was with college roommates when filling out a census form about 6 years ago. It was true in the broadest sense of the terms and hopefully helped balance the scales a little for all of those people who denied their "domestic partnerships." Plus we thought the phrase was funny in its effort to non-offensive.

On another note, has anyone else noticed those "top ten" lists for search engines? It seems like every one from google to yahoo to msn, has a top list. Have you ever looked at it and wondered "How the hell did he/she/that make it up there?" Sometimes I wonder if there are groups of fan clubs or people that decide "today we're making our move" and the proceed to hit one specific search engine a number of times so that it registers.

Case in point: "Jodie Sweetin." The lovable "Stephanie Tanner" from Full House. For some reason last week, her name was on the msn top searchable terms list for about 3 days. I tried to search for any news on her and come up with nothing.

I want to be a search engine star. Something with my name on the msn homepage. Or perhaps we should try to make a search term famous. Something like "red rocket." Anybody got any suggestions?

Monday's are great for the Gyno

I'm an equal opportunity hater. At least when it comes to days. Some people I despise more than others. People who come into my office with the phrase "I'm know this isn't your job, but...." is currently topping my list.

Anyway, my point is that I hate Mondays just as much as Wednesdays or Fridays. The only days I'm not hating lately are the ones that I don't have to work on. When I have to work, my day is pretty much shot.

There can be no better way than spending a cold, Winter Monday morning than with nothing but a sheet wrapped around you and crinkly white paper under your ass. Or better yet with your legs in stirrups. It's 20 degrees outside and only about 10 degrees warmer in the office. Of course, I could try to have my appointment in July, but they crank the AC up to about the same level then, so really it's no different.

My doctor is nice, efficient and knowledgeable. However, hearing the words "Well,that's not abnormal, but let's schedule another appointment to look at it again" never really started anyone's week off well.

That was followed up by a bunch of reminders that we're slicing budgets at work and things that we've done in the past that we won't be able to do now. Nothing says happiness like telling some people that they won't be getting your money this year. But when it comes down to it, it's either they get the money or I don't, so they can suck it.

Speaking of sucking, the Titans lost to the Colts yesterday. I'm finally getting my revenge on the Titans fans here. Of course, there's always some kind of excuse for poor play: piped in crowd noise, illegal call mimicking from the line, poor officiating and now this. You lost and you stink. Revel in it and get a better draft pick next year.

And as far as revenge goes, what kind of revenge would you get on your ex-husband who you only divorced officially two months ago, but is now becoming the adopted father to some other woman's kids? Definitely a wedgie or something far more sinister in mind. That would be a tough one to swallow, no matter how "centered" you are supposed to be.