Sorry, Ashley Judd, My "Puffy Face" Moment is Not the Same as Yours

Puffy or not, she's still beautiful.

I get it. Women are bitches. We pick each other apart instead of building each other up. I got that point in the fifth grade when I wore my first training bra and was teased incessantly about it. It's actually a lesson learned practically daily when dressing and wondering what the female world will think of my outfit. Sad, but true.

But lucky for me, I do not make a living with my appearance. I am aware of the fact that having a better looking appearance helps me in the workplace (sad but true), but ultimately I get paid for my brain. I'm not a model or actress or professional cheerleader. I add that last one in because I was appalled at hearing a professional cheerleader talk about losing those 5 lbs--she was tiny in my opinion. I expressed my anger and then a friend's husband mentioned that there are physical requirements to be a cheerleader, just as there are physical requirements for being a professional football player, and most normal people cannot live up to those requirements. This isn't grade school where everyone gets to be on the team. This is real life.

Which ultimately brings me to my point: Ashley Judd gets paid, and fairly well, to look good. Actually better than good. She gets paid to look idyllic. If she did not look idyllic, chances are good she wouldn't be an actress, at least as successful as she is. Society has always had idyllic examples of beauty and those people--men and women--have always felt the pressure and consequences of living up to their example. But they also get the spoils of what that means too.  So, while I may not agree that the "puffy face affair" was fair, I can understand it.  And honestly, it's not even that bad compared to what some celebrities have gotten (Britney, anyone?)

What I mean to say is this, while I appreciate and actually enjoyed Ashley Judd's essay on her puffy face, I have a few problems with it:

• Now? Ashley has a problem with the way media treats women NOW. As in, when it happens to her. This essay wasn't about, say, Calista Flockhart weighing 80 lbs in the 90s, or even Christina Aguilera having gained weight now. It was because it actually happened to her. 
• Okay, Ashley Judd cares. Now WHAT? Just asking people to change and "share their puffy face moments" isn't enough. If she wants to be an advocate, then she should be one. Do something about it, don't just say something about it. 
• Ashley Judd's response got play on NBC Nightly News, Rock Center and MSNBC. I'm fairly certain none of those programs actually showed her puffy face or criticized her for it. Meaning, she actually more press for herself (and the show she's hawking) through her response than the speculation. Not a bad media plan in my opinion. 

Lastly, as Chef actually mentioned, there are few women who can relate to the extremes that Ashley Judd felt in the criticism. I'm fairly certain that TMZ could give a rat's ass about my psoriasis, no matter how sensitive I am about it. However, there is one group that actually could: high school girls. Those are some mean bitches, and I say that having been one. Maybe this can be a lesson Ashley could help them with. Or maybe it's just a chance for a nationally publicized rant. That remains to be seen. 

If You Gain Weight, Dress For It (I'm talking to you, Kelly Clarkson)

When I'm trying to lose weight, I tend to notice other people's weight a little more. This could be the same thing that happens when you notice things you're involved in; like an actress on a TV show and you start seeing her everywhere. Or noticing weight could just be a girl thing.

I used to get pissed about girls talking about other girls' weights. Mostly because I was overweight.When a girl said that another girl was fat, I would've taken that personally. If the person she was calling fat was bigger than I was, then I assumed she thought I was fat too. Which could've been the case, but honestly, the older I get the more I realize that comments like that have little to do with me. It's that person's feelings and they're not necessarily transferable to me. Yup. I'm in my 30s and I've finally realized its not all about me.

I'm 5'2". Why the hell did I think I could
pull off gauchos?
(Yes, Chef. You were right. . .again)

All that aside, I've come to feel a little sympathy to celebrities who gain weight in the public eye. That is, unless they pull an Oprah and decide to preach to me about weight loss and then gain it back. That's to be expected. I'm talking mostly about people who get photographed in their late teens and early 20s, and then gain weight later in life.

Here's where I feel sympathy: Can you imagine having a picture of you at your thinnest that is put next to a picture of yourself looking your heaviest and then having them plastered in front of millions of people? It's like the feeling of dread when your pants won't button and so you use a safety pin or move up to the fat pants. And then knowing that you look like crap. Once you know you look like crap, it's a feeling that you can't shake until something changes.

That being said, I have some advice--hard-earned advice-- for those celebrities that have gained weight (Kelly Clarkson, Christina Aguilera, Britney--I'm talking to you!): Stop wearing the shit you wore when you were skinnier. Or thinking you can wear it. Let go of the stylist you had when you were thin and hire a new one; one that has styled heavier bodies. Embrace the curves, don't ignore them. Dress for where you are--not where you wish you were.

Even if you are trying to change or changing, be the weight you are now. Dress for it and you'll be happier.

(Yes, I'm still trying to take my own advice. some days more successfully than others. But check out the pic--that's what happens when you dress for a different size--bigger or smaller).

Longer than Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra

Suck it, Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman! Chef and I have been married longer than you were. I thought it would be fun to benchmark our marriage on the marriages of celebrities. Of course, it's probably only fun to do that when you're doing well. If there's a long span in similar postings it means I either lost interest in the topic or I'm nervous about bench marking.

Of course, the next question is whether to benchmark our actual marriage or the time we've been together. Because I didn't think of this topic nearly seven years ago and wasn't confident enough to realize that it was going to last this long, I'm choosing to say marriage. (Although I know that in my head I'll be adding nearly seven years on).

Of course, this also gives me the opportunity to make snarky comments about other couples that could clearly come back to haunt me some day, but I'm living for today. Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra were technically married for six months but began divorce plans a mere 10 days after the Vegas wedding. The bride wore a tux. The groom wore a gown. Just how we always dreamed it would be, right girls? So, we've not filed or begun divorce proceedings after more than a month of marriage. We officially beat out Dennis and Carmen. If you want to get technical, I can bust out Britney Spears and Jason Alexander (no, not Costanza) wedding that lasted 55 hours.

Anyway, I love any picture that features jazz hands, so while Carmen and Dennis didn't last, I'm happy they at least had publicity photos taken that can last forever. And isn't that the sign of any good marriage? Having joint publicity photos is a commitment for Hollywood. Maybe Chef and Is should head down to the Sears Portrait Studio. . .

She did it again. . .or did she?

I admit it. I watched the Britney Spears "documentary" last night. I spent the whole time alternating between feeling sorry for her, feeling like she's saying what she thinks she's supposed to say and being horrified at Madonna's bad face lift.

Honestly, I don't know how much we can trust a documentary that promises to "ask all the questions" you've been dying to know. You can't call it misleading because they didn't say she'd actually answer them. However, they cleverly never delved into her sister's unexpected pregnancy, the whole debacle with her mom and anything to do with the custody battle going on for her kids.

I felt sad watching her get shuttled from one photo shoot or video or appearance to another and then hearing her say that she has to always act happy because it's better than the alternative. (Which I guess is shaving your head and attacking a paparazzi car with an umbrella). I felt sad when she said that when she loves someone she wants to be around them all the time and feel good by being near them. Wow. That's co-dependency. Learn to love being around yourself first.

Mostly she talked about her upcoming album (which hits stores tomorrow-what a coincidence?) and how she felt like she was right back doing what she belonged to do. However, when the most touching testimonial in the documentary comes from her choreographer, that's not a good sign.

And lastly, the Madonna factor. No one even mentioned in the documentary that Justin performed at the Madonna concert that Britney was at. The world wants to know what she was thinking about him being there and if she was pissed about Madonna setting it up like that. We don't care if Madonna has maternal instincts toward Britney. It was nice of Madonna to say that and then for the filmmakers to cut to an awkward Madonna chatting about how she wanted to cancel the show, then cutting back to a very overly lit and pulled taut face of Madonna yammering about Britney finding herself. Really? Two husbands, three kids and adulterous scandal helped you find yourself Madonna?

I love Britney. I have to admit it even though I'm too old for it. I love to bob my head to her songs. I just hope that before she goes on TV again to explain her feelings that Britney has chance to understand them herself.