Eight Years And Eight Pounds

Left: Me in September 2007; Middle: Christmas 2009;
Right: July 2015. 

There are days in my life when I feel like magic is possible. Or that some coincidence or divine hand guided me in a direction I never knew was possible. Stretched my abilities or limits. There are times that I like to think it has been the guiding hand of my mom putting me back on a path towards my true goals. I'm not entirely sure that has been the case, but I can't prove it wrong, either.

I always remember the first few days of August much better than the last few days of August. A weird month that has been so meaningful in my life for different reasons. Today is a day to celebrate the happy part of the month.

Eight years ago, for some reason that I'll never really understand, I decided that I was ready to try to be healthy. I was going to fight my obesity with small steps. Quite literally small steps. I took a walk every morning before work. I tried to eat better. And slowly the small steps were making a difference.

I started my journey eight years ago at 239 lbs. About a year later, I was 90 lbs lighter and a lot healthier. With the help and encouragement of my co-workers and Patrick, I ended up losing another eight pounds.  And gaining a lot of self-confidence. I ended up hitting my low only two pounds short of the official 100 lbs lost mark. It kinda pissed me off, but primarily I was pissed because I had reached a plateau.

Since then, I've gone up and down like a yo-yo. A slow-moving yo-yo but a yo-yo nonetheless. I've never come close to hitting 200 lbs again, a vow that I made myself, but I have fluctuated back and forth by 35-40 pounds.

Here I am again. I'm eight pounds away from my lowest weight as an adult. Ten pounds away from saying that I've lost 100 lbs from my heaviest. I work out six days a week and do better on my diet than when I was in my 20s.

And I am thankful. I am thankful for whatever lead me to change my life eight years ago and thankful for whatever has pushed me back toward those changes time and again. I am thankful for my friends and family who have encouraged me and supported me whatever the fluctuation has been.

And I am thankful for Patrick, who loved me at all of these weights, and who has shown me again and again that he always will. Which is freeing.

Eight years. Eight pounds. And the knowledge that this challenge will always be here. Frustrating, but thankful.

And I Was Full

The last few weeks have been a struggle. For months I would start each week with that high ambition of making it "the week" that I get back on the wagon of watching what I ate religiously. And by about 3 p.m. Monday afternoon, there would be a bag of gummi bears on my desk.

For some reason, I just couldn't feel satisfied. I don't want to blame it on stress or being busy because I can't think of a person on Earth, who doesn't have those two words and all the feelings around them to justify any poor behavior. Something felt off and different. I didn't seem to be eating all that much more, but weight kept creeping on and for about three weeks I lost the feeling of fullness. It seemed like I could push myself to eat steadily without that feeling that prompts me to stop.

But the real motivation came when I was in the bathroom and closed a drawer on my stomach while leaned over the counter to do my makeup. It's pretty embarrassing to admit. I mean, I have typed a novel with my boobs without even knowing it (busty women out there can feel me on that one), but I've never closed a drawer on my stomach. Here's the scary part: I didn't feel it or realize it until I leaned back. I probably shouldn't admit that but let's just put you all in the frame of mind that I was dealing with when I decided enough was enough.

I knew I had to get a handle on things quickly. I didn't want to end up where I was at about seven years ago when I started my first weight loss adventure. I couldn't wait until I was well over 200 lbs before I righted the ship.

Plus I had enough encouragement from Chef telling me that he thought I had a slow metabolism because I wasn't eating that much. Maybe I wanted some validation, so I decided to go to a doctor and see what I could find out. I had a bunch of tests and it turns out the news was reassuring but also kinda crappy: turns out my metabolism burns about 450 calories less per day than it should.

The doctor asked if I had tried Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig or anything else. In fact, WW was the last thing that I had tried about 2 years ago and it wasn't really effective--because even at the lower calorie intake, it wasn't low enough to overcome the 450 calorie deficit that my metabolism was bringing to the table.

I'm now working to "reset" my metabolism and am on a protein and plant-based plan to help drop some lbs again. I know and always know that battling the bulge will be a lifelong struggle for me, but knowing that doesn't make it suck any less.

Wish me luck. . .again.

Viva La Resolution!

Not mine, but funny. 

It's the day, time of year, frame of mind to think about beginning again. I like new beginnings. Even if it's only on the calendar. New beginnings mean new possibilities and what's life if we aren't thinking of how it could be even better.

Or maybe that's just me.  Maybe you've already accomplished all your dreams.

I, on the other hand, have not. So instead of just wishing things were different, I pictured how I wanted things to be different by the end of 2014 and worked my resolutions from there. Not sure it will be any different, but I'm trying it.

By the end of 2014, I will:

1. Have a literary agent. So to do that, it means that I have to have something I want to show an agent, which means I need to get to work. I'm dreaming big here, so go with me. . . 
2. Have 1,000 per week visiting my blog. I'm halfway there now, so really it means that I'll just have to post more, read more, share more, and generally be more engaged. I think I can do that. 
3. Be down 40 lbs. I'm beyond pudgy, and I don't have to be. I run consistently. But I also eat consistently. Consistently bad. I'm over it. Time to hunker down and shed some lbs. 
4. Say 'no' more often. Specifically 'no' to a few things: 1) time-wasting activities like TV for the sake of TV and Candy Crush. 2) Events or activities that I get guilted into doing or going to. 3) People who are draining without any benefits. 
5. Say 'yes' more. Specifically to new things that I've wanted to do but might be too chicken try and to hanging out more with friends who I say 'no' to for no good reason. Additionally, this also means that I'm going to ask more of others, specifically to take Chef up on his offer for us to go out to eat more. 
6. Made unplugging from technology a habit. No more answering emails at 10 p.m. because my phone is by my side. I will use the sleep mode on my phone. I will learn what items are truly emergencies and what ones are just other people's emergencies.
7. Put more into my time instead of putting more time in. This includes writing, reading, working, and being present for my time at home with Chef. 
8. Use my money for good instead of evil. This not only means spending or saving more wisely, but also not buying stuff that leads to negating other resolutions--like toys to waste time. My one exception is the aforementioned dinner dates with Chef. 

So that's it. That's my list. What's on your list?

My Magic Number

Remember when you were a child and your parents would insist you "say the magic word" and then you'd say "please" in a sing-songy voice like they'd just pulled a string on your back. Whatever you wanted would suddenly happen because of that magic word.

My magic number is kind of like that, but only in that it spurs action. My magic number is a weight that I hit that literally and figuratively hits me in the gut until my spontaneous reactions are guilt and shame. . .and exercise.

Last week, I hit my magic number. I'm sure other people have their own magic numbers. Especially if you've ever lost weight before. I vowed while in the middle of the struggle that I'd never weigh over XXX lbs again  but that number slid up 5 lbs or so when I decided that my apathy was overtaking my need to look decent in clothing.

However, the aforementioned guilt and shame mixed with a pre-work breakdown while selecting an outfit that seemed to look better just a few weeks ago was enough for me to REALLY start logging my calories again in myfitnesspal. Not the fake logging that I do where I start the day strong, but by 3 p.m. conveniently get temporary amnesia about my mid-afternoon M&M gorge or that Venti (which I swear is Italian for BIG ASS) latte with SUGAR! and a side of extra sugar.

The magic number has been hit and my apathy has instantly turned into action. Calories are watched closer than Kim Kardashian by the paparazzi! The gym is left with the funky combination of my morning breath from my panting and my sweat.

And in a few months, the work will payoff. It has before. It will again. Except maybe this time I'll drop my magic number by 15 lbs so I don't let it get this far.

Remind me that I said that in a year when I'm reaching for another cupcake.

A Gross Post-- You've been warned

I was thinking about this yesterday and to be honest many times before but I've never expressed it. It probably doesn't need to be expressed, but frankly I don't care.

I'm currently in day two of an Internet cleanse. I'm sure it's total bullshit, but I'm sucked in. It is only supposed to help flush the system and shed bloat, not actual ponds. The fact that that is the only claim it makes actually makes me feel like it might be legit. You drink 60 oz of a water, dandelion root tea, cranberry juice and lemon juice mixture. Then you pee like crazy. And because I am already a water drinker AND a massive pee-er, it's making things interesting.

The dandelion root is a mild diuretic, so you drink this, it flushes water retention, and you shed some water weight. You still eat your normal diet, so there's no starving. Literally just flushing the system AND the toilet for the 20 times a day I'm peeing, but hey, at least I'm adding steps to my pedometer. I'm totally down for that because I was puffier than normal last week.This could all be psychosomatic, but  I did shed almost two pounds in 24 hours, which is not like me.

But that's not that gross. What this mild cleanse has me thinking about is a much larger, more in-depth cleanse. I want to swallow the liquid version of a pipe cleaner and clean my insides out. Has anyone else had this desire or I'm a just being weird? I want to try and get anything that's backed up in my colon out. Like those people who do those intense cleanses and then photograph their long, nasty fecal movements that look like snake skins with plasma attached to them.

I want to have photo-worthy bowel movements, and then have Chef had to talk sense into my so I don't post them to the blog because that would just be crazy.

Basically, I'd like to internally clean house and start over again. Who's with me?

It's Official: I Quit Weight Watchers

Delicious downfall: Ravioli purses with ricotta
pears,  sage butter and dried cranberries

The weight loss saga continues. Let's be honest. At least I'm being honest with myself. The saga will continue for my entire life. It's just how it goes. However, this chapter has closed. The Weight Watchers chapter, not the weight loss chapter.

I officially cancelled my Weight Watchers subscription this week. Part of it was because I was not losing  ton of weight. Part of it was because I had stopped tracking for about five days, which is always the beginning of the end, and part of it was because I didn't really think it was for me. To be fair, when I actually concentrated on losing weight, I did. But I didn't really like the points system. And although I was heavier AT ONE TIME when I merely counted calories, I wasn't the last time--when I lost 20 lbs in found months. With WW, I lost 6 pounds in 4 months. Part of that was because I wasn't super into it.

The tracking system was okay. It had far less food in its database than other systems--like myfitnesspal--and was easy enough to use. But in the end, I just didn't like it. Perhaps it gave me too much freedom with weekly bonus points and exercise points. Perhaps it would've been nice to use to maintain weight (I certainly didn't gain any), but wouldn't work for me for the mean time.

That being said I'm going back to what worked for me...again. Calorie counting. High protein. More fruits and veggies. Daily exercise.  All starting. . . Monday :). I should at least get my holiday.In the end, I don't consider Weight Watchers a failure. I did end the program weighing less than I started. And that should count for something.

A Letter to My Body

Dear Body:
You and I have not always gotten along. In fact, I'm sure sometimes we've been on entirely different pages. For example, I'm not known for my grace and that's partly because of my lack of balance. And do you remember when puberty hit and you made my boobs grow from an A cup to a DD cup in the eighth grade? Or how about the psoriasis that leaves me looking like it's snowing in July when I don't use my medicine (okay, I'll take some of the blame there). There was that lovely bout of adult acne you surprised me with a few months ago, and the poor eyesight you blessed me with.

I was pretty sure you were being an asshole once again, Body, these last few weeks. I was ready to blame you and Weight Watchers for my mental anguish, but I think you could sense my frustration. I have been on Weight Watchers for a little more than 8 weeks now.

While I hadn't been perfect in my eating habits, I had been under my points goal each week (meaning I had not completely depleted my "weekly bonus points" and my banked activity points--and if you haven't done Weight Watchers, just take that to mean that I had done what I was supposed to to lose weight). I had lost a few pounds (a little over 3 to be exact) and while Chef was doing a good job of talking me off the ledge, my inner monologue was less forgiving. How the hell could I NOT be losing weight when I had cut out multiple indulgences in bad fast food decisions and baked good runs? But I didn't lose every week. In fact, I had gained more than a pound and half when I was at wit's end.

"I lost more weight when I just counted calories FOR FREE," I thought to myself and said aloud. A few naive but well-meaning people tried to talk me through the weight loss process. I tried not to bite back with a "I'm familiar. I did lose 90 lbs in one chunk before, so I know how this goes."  But since they didn't really know that and I wanted to keep friends and encouraging people in my life, I bit my tongue.

But Body, this week it's like you knew. You knew I was at wit's end and decided that now was the time to kick it in gear. You motivated me with extra energy and rewarded me this week with a 3 lb weight loss on weigh-in day (and then shed another 1.4 lbs the day after because you know that I'm obsessive and weigh in every day). So now I'm more motivated than ever. I have lost just over 8 lbs and am almost at 1 lb per week, which seems so much better than just under half a pound per week.

And because you knew that I needed it, you shed some lbs where people would notice so that I got not one but three comments on my weight loss by different, random people.

To show there's no hard feelings, I'll keep up the exercise and healthy living. But in return if you could turn some of this flab into muscle and just get rid of some of the fat, I'd appreciate it.

Thank you!

My New Crack

My Skinny Funfetti Dip

Yesterday I made crack. For the first time. Because it's crack, I'll probably be drawn to making it again, but I have plenty of it right now, so I'm good for a while.

By crack, I mean MY crack. Not actual crack cocaine. But my version: Skinny Funfetti Dip. It's like taking cake batter and making it less guilty. And it's stupid simple. I was scooping the hell out of it with some mini Teddy Grahams last night. Clearly it still has calories, but let's just say those little Teddy mofos were covered in the dip.

I got it from Pinterest. (Yesterday was my Pinterest experiment day: Kale chips, Bubble Up Enchiladas, lower cal white chocolate macadamia nut cookies, and the funfetti dip). And it was stupid simple to make: Funfetti cake mix, yogurt and cool whip. I used vanilla yogurt instead of the plain, but whatever floats your boat. Here's the link from the Eat Yourself Skinny blog that made my crack possible.

If you want to check out the other recipes, they're on my Pinterest board, which just hit 200 pins. Which means that I have so many more dinners and snacks and desserts to try out. Or have Chef make too.

Trying Not To Get Frustrated: Weight Loss Edition

I'm seriously trying not to get down or frustrated. I am losing weight, but not a lot. And I don't mean "I'm not losing the 10 lbs this week promised by this cleanse." I mean, I've lost weight before and when I make a concerted effort, I lose about 1-2 lbs a week. Normal, nicely paced weight loss.

Since I've been on Weight Watchers, I've lost 3.4 lbs. Total. Over five weeks. Look, I know all that lifestyle change stuff and I get it. I don't typically get too down about a bad weigh-in, but I was hoping that at least one week on Weight Watchers that I would see a nice chunk drop. And that hasn't happened yet, which is why I'm frustrated. And hence why I'm venting. (It also doesn't help that all I see are success stories about Weight Watchers. Has anyone failed on this program? Makes me feel like I'm the only one who is struggling.)

Does this mean that I've lost sight of the long term benefits or that I'm throwing in the towel? No. Does it mean that I care more about a number than other benefits? No. But I'm numbers driven. Always have been. It's the quantifiable way for me to measure success and I like seeing success. Who doesn't? Right now I'm not as successful in this field as in the rest of my life, which is frustrating. Because I'm spoiled. I'm used to being successful.

Okay, so now is where I have the logical side of my brain say all the things that weight loss and healthy living does. So here goes:

• Even nominal weight loss lowers risks for health complications like diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and heart disease. 
• Establishing a healthy lifestyle that is sustainable is much better than establishing one that will only help me lose weight. Once the weight is gone, the lifestyle needs to stay. 
• I am eating more fruits and vegetables now than I was before. 
• I am paying more attention to things like carbs and protein and fiber, although not obsessively.
• Chef is being 100 percent supportive and I am exceptionally lucky to have someone who will not only go on the ride with me, but will also cook a lot of my meals. It's like I'm Oprah with Bob Greene.
• To be honest, I am still cheating way too much. I am using my weekly bonus points (not all, but a good hunk) and eating crap food less often in a day than eating more good food.
• I could ramp up my exercise.
• I need to be more precise on my food measurement for portion purposes. 

So I'm not 100 percent in the clear here. This week I will try my best not to use any bonus points and to remember the big picture. Even at the slow and not so steady rate of weight loss I'm at now, I'd still be more than 30 lbs down by the same time next year. And who wouldn't like that?

I Should Be Ashamed, But I'm Not

One of the few things I did this weekend. Make (and eat
some of) this Light Butterfinger Cake. Delish!

I had my fourth weigh-in on Friday during my Weight Watchers foray, and it was disappointing. Less than a pound. 0.8. I did the math in my head three times before I accepted it. I had done everything right that week. I had watched my "points" like a hawk. I was about to get super bummed when there was  voice in my head. It was Chef's.

"A loss is still a loss. Besides, we're changing our lives, not just the scale," the voice said.

He didn't say it at exactly that moment because he was still in bed at the time, but he had said it before, so I had that in my back pocket. I did better as I got to work, but still a little miffed so I checked out the Weight Watchers site to see if there were any more pointers. One said something about concentrating on the long term (which echoed Chef's words) so I did the math. 

If I were to have a week like last week, where I ate predominately well but still lived my life and enjoyed a few treats,every week for a year then I would weigh 41 pounds less than I do now. Which actually would put me WAY under my lowest weight ever as an adult and probably around where I should be to be well within the healthy BMI. So I got over the weigh in (clearly I'm sharing here, but I haven't been obsessing as I might've), and had a great weekend.

So why should I be ashamed? Because I did absolutely nothing over the weekend.

Let me rephrase that. I clearly did some things. In fact, I did things that I really wanted to do. But leaving the house wasn't one of them. I actually left the apartment ONCE from Friday night until I left for work this morning. Chef did the grocery shopping on Friday night, and ran out when we had any "urgent" items we needed.  But for the most part, I did this:

• Did not put on make up all weekend, and mostly pajama-type clothes
• Leisurely read the two huge Fall fashion mags that I had been stockpiling
• Took baths and read the novel I just started
• Watched the "Weight of the Nation" documentary series (not all of it)
• Watched various detective movies, most but not all featuring Al Pacino
• Ate copious amounts of french fries and beef (on my cheat day)
• Played with cats
• Downloaded an iPhone app called "cloth" that allows you to store and sort pictures of your outfits (as well as weather conditions)-- I'm hoping this will eventually help cut down on the amount of time that I spend picking out clothes in the morning
• Pinning about 100 new weight watchers or skinny recipes on Pinterest for future use
• Repainting my toes and fingers
• Having a wonderfully lazy weekend with my husband
• Made a "light" Butterfinger cake from this Pinterest recipe that was actually damn good

It was glorious and this morning I feel great! So I'm not ashamed that I did exactly what I wanted to do this weekend. Which was nothing much. 

Why I Joined Weight Watchers. . .this time

To say that losing weight is hard is just stupid. It's like saying that you need oxygen to live or that ice cream is delicious. It's so ridiculously known that everyone already knows it. It's dumb to say.

And while I've done it successfully (I consider it a success that I've kept 70 of the 90 lbs of weight loss from 5 years ago), I still need help. Or motivation. Or both. So last week I decided to join weight watchers online. I have never tried Weight Watchers before and have seen so many success stories (including Jennifer Hudson who looks amazing) so figured it was worth a shot. Plus my aunts, my friends and countless others who have used the plan and it worked for them.

Weight loss would be great. But I'm also looking to get healthier. That's actually a big key of choosing this particular plan. I have used MyFitnessPal for nearly a year and it has helped me (when I've made the concerted effort to use it) count calories. But I was only counting calories. So if I wanted to use my daily allotment on gummy bears, so be it. It was just calories.

Since this program also takes into account fat, fiber, carbs and protein, I have to choose more wisely. And the fact that fruits and veggies in their purest forms do not count against my daily plans means that I've already eaten more bananas and raspberries and veggies in the past week than the last several combined. And that can't be a bad thing.

We all need to mix it up and I'm mixing it up this way. I need to get back on track. Even if I never end up looking like Jennifer Hudson, I'll have hopefully established or reestablished some healthier habits.

The odd thing is that I seem to have these urges to get healthy around this time. The first time I lost weight, I started on August 2nd. I've kicked my butt into gear around this time for the last couple of years and I officially joined Weight Watchers on July 31st. What is it about the end of summer that makes me want to kick my own ass?

Have you lost weight or had success with Weight Watchers? Any advice for the newbie?

Why Am I Reinventing the Wheel? (Or using tired cliches?)

This was under the lid of a box of
mini-pies I bought last week. 

My experiment in trying all new healthy recipes hit a snag last week that lead to my downfall. I had three bad recipes in row which in my head gave me a legitimate reason to give up and order a Domino's Bread Bowl--which is the ultimate in nasty carb overload. I've also been a touch down which again lead to the carb chowdown.

I was thinking about where I went wrong and then I realized that I'm not new to this. I've lost weight before and I will lose weight again. I took a step back and thought: What were the habits I had when I successful in losing weight? What made it seem not so hard back then? And so, now I'm gonna write them down here and make the commitment to replicate them for a month to see how I do. Here goes:

• Track--truthfully--every calorie I consume
• Don't beat myself up about a bad meal--just don't let one meal turn into a day or a week or a month. 
• Eat things I love. Just healthier versions. If I don't say NO to anything in particular then I'm not really denying myself. I just need to eat better versions.
• Eat at least 3 fruits and veggies a day. (Yes, I know it's a 5 a day limit, but I've always been behind on that one).
• Mix up the exercise. Do a regular bout of cardio (running, walking, elliptical) each day and some weight training or other exercises at least 3 times a week. 
• Limit my alcohol.
• Look at menus of where I'm planning on eating before I go out so that I can make my healthy choice before I walk through the door. 
• Eat 5 times a day--3 meals and two small snacks. 
• Weight myself only twice a week. (not daily. yes, I'm that neurotic)

So that's it. These were the things that helped me do well before. They helped me focus on gaining healthy habits and not just on weight loss. They made being healthier easier and fun. And I didn't dread what I was supposed to be eating. 

Why am I Fat when I Don't Eat that Much?

I eat homemade lettuce
wraps with rice for dinner and
lost nothing. Others eat three
chocolate bars and are down
three pounds. How does this
happen?

I realize that I'm not "that fat" as someone not related to me was oh so kind enough to point out as I was complaining out loud, but that's of little help. And I didn't invite you to my pity party, sir, so kindly exit to the left.

I realize that we all are made differently and men have an easier time losing weight and some people just have great metabolisms, but really believing that line of shit is about as easy as believing that a fat person is big boned or has a thyroid problem. There are few exceptions and chances are that its really the rule.

What's killing me about this lately? I'm glad you asked. I use the app My Fitness Pal. I'd highly recommend it to others as it actually helps me track my calories in a way that's a little more helpful than the paper and calculator method I used to use (seriously I totally used a calculator and a sheet of paper that was tracker for the day. I habitually checked Calorie King for counts. I was so OCD that I used to three-hole punch my trackers and put them in a binder so I could remember that really great meal I had a few weeks back that was only 457 calories.) Anyway, the app is great and I've been reaching out lately to find people who are on the same path and might help motivate me.

When I'm in the weight loss zone, I buy into every little nugget of information or stat that I hear.

I hear"You lose twice as much weight with friends--even online ones." So I get involved in the message boards.

I hear "Faith Hill drinks 96 oz of water every day for clear skin" So I guzzle 6 liters for good measure (and then take at least 6 trips to the bathroom every morning).

I realize the last one was about skin, but if I can clear two issues of self esteem in one foul swoop, I'm gonna do it. That's just good sense.

These people on My Fitness Pal are making their food diaries public and I am curious as hell so I take a peek. And I see a person having a daily calorie threshold 300 above mine and eating chocolate at least twice a day and losing 2 pounds a week. And she's just the average example.

But that person might have a lot more weight to lose so it comes off easier, you argue. Um, no. Bitch weighs 5 pounds more than I do and I've not --nor have I ever in a healthy manner-lost more than 2 pounds of actual weight in a week. And that was when I was morbidly obese.

What the fuck. Rationally I am doing the "we're all different" arguments in my head, but underneath that, I'm thinking "is she cutting off parts of her body to make this weight loss happen? What am I doing wrong?" I want to lose weight, but I also don't want to curl up in a ball crying if someone puts olive oil or butter on my food because "I don't have the calories left for that."

This debate was swimming around my head this morning when Chef yelled from the bathroom scale "Man, I've lost so much weight and I haven't even been trying." And that's when I left to keep myself from stabbing him. I'm still debating whether he can take a good stabbing in his sleep as I'm feeling stabby still. But then again, I tweeted it and now I'm blogging it so if my husband turns up stabbed in the next few months, I'm obviously going to be the first suspect. Oh, marriage.

Splenda Didn't Give My Mom Cancer. Her Boobs Did.

Suck it, smug lady.

Why do people care what I eat? Or what any stranger eats for that matter? There are so few things that people truly can control, and for the majority of people in the US, food is one of those things. I'm fairly certain a look at our waistlines might show that our decisions aren't always the best, but can we pick the major battle to win first?

Here's my point: I have struggled mightily with eating my entire life and have come to terms that I will never conquer this beast. When it goes out of control, I shamefully eat whole loaves of bread dipped in vats of olive oil and Spike seasoning (which if you haven't tried is awesome--for seasoning with or without massive amounts of olive oil). After this consumption, I go into a shame spiral which then triggered me to eat an entire roll of chocolate chip cookie dough (yes, I was that cliched). Eventually ending at 220+ pounds with at least five of that coming from wine and cocktails. Then I mustered up the energy to care about myself and set off to eat well. 

Here's the kicker: Even when I was overweight and eating fruit, people STILL felt the need to comment on my food. 

"Aren't you avoiding carbs? You should be avoiding carbs. That fruit has carbs."

Are you kidding me? Fruit carbs were the LEAST of my worries. I wanted to have people take pictures of me actually eating fruit just to document the occasion. (Side note to the whole Atkins craze: I had an acquaintance in college who wouldn't eat plain breadsticks because they were loaded with carbs, but WOULD eat cheesesticks, because the cheese "negated the bread underneath." I shit you not. That was her argument and 30 minutes of arguing could not shake her belief. Did I mention she was going to college to supposedly learn something? Clearly not a Dietetics majors.)

First it was the snootiness around Atkins. Now it's Frankenfoods and organics in general. I completely respect someone's right to want to control what goes in their body. As a person who uses any healthy method I can to get to a healthy weight, I'm not going to judge the quality of someone's fruit or if they choose to buy ready made salad mix or non-organic, non-soy REAL  DAIRY  milk.  I appreciate the fact that they're trying. 

Can we keep our comments about other people's food to ourselves? I sincerely doubt the lady who made a snide comment about me using Splenda on my cantaloupe truly cares about my well-being. She doesn't even know my name. She just wanted to be a smug person who could take the time to tell me about getting cancer from Splenda. Our conversation went something like this:

Anonymous nosy lady (ANL): Do you know that your Splenda there causes cancer? You're ruining that cantaloupe.

Me: At least I'm not putting Splenda on a donut.

ANL: But the Splenda will give you cancer before you have a heart attack. 

Me: Really? My mom died of cancer before Splenda was even invented. She got it from her boobs. 

Me: walking away from open-mouthed lady whom I hoped learned  to keep her fucking comments to herself. Or at the very least to not annoy strangers.  

Pizza Slut, Vampires, Stuffed Animals and Succulents

Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, on
the left, Soleil Moon Frye on the right
(Man scratching his head-dead center)

I spent the weekend carbo-loading. Not for any particular reason other than I had a heart-to-heart with myself last week and decided that my skin, hair, body and clothes were telling me one thing: I needed to try harder. It's not my full effort and without that, I can't depend on my best results.

So between my gorging of all things baked, fried or just plain delicious and shopping at various nurseries for Chef's new love of gardening, I got my car fixed (kind of. The damn tire pressure sensor was off for half a day and then came back on which sent me over the edge in a fit of fury), added red to my head, got my hands and feet all pretty in coral, and saw Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, being interviewed by Soleil Moon Frye (aka Punky Brewster).

Chef was gracious enough to go with me to the Bloggess event (book reading, signing and interview thingy) even though he wasn't totally into it. I could tell because he was looking up gardening stuff most of the time. However, I enjoyed it, although there was a lady there who blogged in the voice of her stuffed sheep which kind of creeped me out. The Bloggess is delightfully dirty and odd, but that was a little odd, even for me. Also, Stephanie Meyer, author of the Twilight series, was in the crowd in cognito. I remember seeing her at the time, but didn't put two and two together. As is the case when you're still reeling in laughter from a story about an at-home cleanse using ex-lax and a question from a lady that came through the voice of the stuffed goat she blogs through (FYI- the goat was not full size, but rather a small hand-held goat. If it had been full-sized, I think I would've been less confused. Maybe.)

After that, I helped pick out two plants that I wanted because they were pretty and made me happy. Then I decided that I needed to concentrate on making myself happy, in various ways. I bought a book of writing prompts, read about 100 magazines that had been piling up, and decided to get my ass back in gear. Again. YES AGAIN. I work out now and count calories, but I haven't been super strict about my diet in a while. And while I haven't eaten an entire box of TGIFriday's potato skins and an entire DiGiorno pepperoni pizza (that may have happened in the past, I'm just saying), I also haven't stuck to lean proteins, restricted carbs (my love for which can only be topped by my love for Chef and our cats, most of the time), and eaten fruits and veggies. So back to the original diet plan it goes. I even had Chef buy my old protein shakes when he went to the grocery store. I had a French Vanilla EAS CarbAdvantedge (yes, it's spelled like that) this afternoon for my "high-protein" snack. And tomorrow, I go on a cleanse. We'll see how that goes.

Can I finally be petite?

Petite. My mom told me I was petite when I was in high school. Well, kind of. She said something like "You're technically petite because you're short, but not really."

The "not really" came into play because I was fat. And while short and fat are good qualities for a fire hydrant, they are less than desirable for a teenage girl. Or rather any human, unless you have recently been cast as an Ewok.

So, I bought lots of mini-skirts because they were actually normal skirts on me and looking into finding the right tailor to hem my pants. I say right tailor because in middle school my mother sent my jeans to a family member and they came back looking odd. Not the type of thing to make you NOT stand out in middle school, as I was trying desperately to do. In the end, I came out roughly the same size as I went in and relatively unscathed. I didn't really blow up until college and shortly thereafter, but it all worked out in the end.

Lately, though,  I've had an urge to actually live up to the word "petite." I wonder if it's because I'm not really a delicate or shy kind of personality or if it's that I've always been somewhat large around, if not tall, that now I'm wondering what would it be like to be "petite." Would my personality change if I felt suddenly smaller? Am I really just projecting a need to be taken care of?

I hope not. I'm not sure that I'll ever really get (or stay) in the petite range, but I'm gonna try to get there and let you know how it goes. Wish me luck!

Like Shakira, My Hips Don't Lie

I'm probably a bit premature in getting excited or celebrating, but I was able to run on the treadmill for the whole of this week. Why is this a big deal? Because I haven't been able to run more than a day on a treadmill, or even more than a mile outside, in more than a year. I've been relegated to the elliptical because of my hips. My poor arthritic hips.

I gained quite a bit of weight before moving to LA (like 30 pounds from my lowest  to what I stepped foot into town carrying). I'm sure the extra lbs didn't help in the crusade, but my hips were in agony for months. Even without the running or constant working out, I would be stiff in the mornings and near tears at night. Not fun. And if I actually pounded the treadmill, the pain was worse.

So I gave up the running. Which was sad, because --and I'll be the first to admit this was a shock to me--I actually like running. Used to HATE it. "I only run when chased," I'd say. Frequently. Without being prompted for my opinion. But at the beginning of the great weight drop, I walked outside and then when I needed a challenge, I started jogging. I really loved being outside in the mornings and having the time to zone out and think about things. I even miss having to bundle up because I was freezing cold, and then getting home and sweating in 10 degree weather.

And while I can't run outside here in the mornings (I mean, I do live in LA. It's a nice neighborhood, but I'm not crazy), I can do the treadmill. At least now. And so until my hips kick in (or they don't), I am back to pounding the treadmill. To be honest, the past few mornings, stepping off and having that weird floaty feeling that's a combination of the endorphin rush and the adjustment to walking on a stable surface has been a highlight of my day.

Never thought I'd think that 5 years ago.

But I Really Want That Brownie. . .and iPad and Shoes...

A "lava stone"--one of my
guilty pleasures. It's a fried ball
of rice with avocado, spicy tuna,
and some caviar.
It's pretty damn good.

I'm having a hard time denying myself lately. And while that means food most of the time, it also means anything my heart is desiring at this moment. (And to be honest today I'm desiring a trip to Vegas or Nashville or Indianapolis or anywhere my friends are that I can be away from the work world for a few days). Most of the time my bank account severely limits my ability to follow through on my desires, but I got my tax refund back so I have a little money to play with. And by "play", I mean go into an Apple store on Friday during my lunch break and buy a new iPad.

The iPad, by the way, was not only a fairly impulsive (at least for me) purchase, but I bought a nice red case and felt absolutely no guilt about it. That doesn't usually happen. If I ever actually get to the point of pulling the trigger on a purchase, I usually regret it until I convince myself that I needed the item. (Like I needed the iPad because I was more likely to write if I could type away on it without having to open a laptop off and burn my legs--and no, my iPad has yet to burn my legs).

For the food front, I've been eating like there's no tomorrow. Well, not really, but it kind of feels that way. And it's a vicious cycle. I try on clothes that I can't fit in to, get depressed that I can't fit into them and then console myself with a cookie. Or a side of fries instead of salad. And while a few of these choices can be a good thing, I'm making them all the time and my ass is paying the price. I know better. I know I know better. But it still happens.

So, for a while I'm going to stick to trying on shoes and getting back to making good choices. I should probably go all-out psycho strict on this for a while before I loosen up. Hope I'm up for it.

Failure or New Opportunity?

Birthday cupcakes (not all 6 but still)
definitely played into my downfall!

I hate failing. In fact, someone once said they thought I had a fear of it. Maybe I do, I'm not sure, but whether I fear it or not, I've certainly done my fair share. The latest failure: January's goals. Not all of them, but certainly my weight loss experiment with The Firm Express.

I have done every workout in the series. I did not, however, do them in the correct order or 3 times a week. I also blew off my diet for a few weeks. Argh. At one point, I had lost 7 pounds during the month due to the exercise and since put about half of it back on. That's what I get for indulging in birthday, Superbowl and Valentine's day celebrations. And mostly just not paying attention to what I was eating well enough.

I heard a stat once that said it took the average person six attempts to quit smoking. I think that number is probably double or triple for lifestyle changes. So instead of wallowing in misery or failure, I'm going to try again. And maybe this time I'll start wearing incredibly tight pants and belts to make myself uncomfortable enough to stop putting food in my face.

This week:

• Days per month that I worked on my novel: 15/15 (not sucking on this one!)
• Calories burned per week: 1550 (a pound is 3500)
• Weight loss/gain since last posted result: +3 lb.
• Cumulative loss/ gain: -3 lbs.

If You Gain Weight, Dress For It (I'm talking to you, Kelly Clarkson)

When I'm trying to lose weight, I tend to notice other people's weight a little more. This could be the same thing that happens when you notice things you're involved in; like an actress on a TV show and you start seeing her everywhere. Or noticing weight could just be a girl thing.

I used to get pissed about girls talking about other girls' weights. Mostly because I was overweight.When a girl said that another girl was fat, I would've taken that personally. If the person she was calling fat was bigger than I was, then I assumed she thought I was fat too. Which could've been the case, but honestly, the older I get the more I realize that comments like that have little to do with me. It's that person's feelings and they're not necessarily transferable to me. Yup. I'm in my 30s and I've finally realized its not all about me.

I'm 5'2". Why the hell did I think I could
pull off gauchos?
(Yes, Chef. You were right. . .again)

All that aside, I've come to feel a little sympathy to celebrities who gain weight in the public eye. That is, unless they pull an Oprah and decide to preach to me about weight loss and then gain it back. That's to be expected. I'm talking mostly about people who get photographed in their late teens and early 20s, and then gain weight later in life.

Here's where I feel sympathy: Can you imagine having a picture of you at your thinnest that is put next to a picture of yourself looking your heaviest and then having them plastered in front of millions of people? It's like the feeling of dread when your pants won't button and so you use a safety pin or move up to the fat pants. And then knowing that you look like crap. Once you know you look like crap, it's a feeling that you can't shake until something changes.

That being said, I have some advice--hard-earned advice-- for those celebrities that have gained weight (Kelly Clarkson, Christina Aguilera, Britney--I'm talking to you!): Stop wearing the shit you wore when you were skinnier. Or thinking you can wear it. Let go of the stylist you had when you were thin and hire a new one; one that has styled heavier bodies. Embrace the curves, don't ignore them. Dress for where you are--not where you wish you were.

Even if you are trying to change or changing, be the weight you are now. Dress for it and you'll be happier.

(Yes, I'm still trying to take my own advice. some days more successfully than others. But check out the pic--that's what happens when you dress for a different size--bigger or smaller).