Friday, December 21, 2012

Dear Santa 2.0

I have no real reason to write to you. Not that I don't believe, but because there really isn't anything that I truly need. And while I can't say that I was entirely naughty this year, I can't claim that I was entirely nice either. I'm sure that cancels out somewhere in your listing-making capabilities, but I've never really understood how your system worked. I mean I knew some bitches who were spoiled by Santa so I found your methods a little flawed. I hate to criticize, but I'm also fairly certain that you grade on a curve so I'm not that scared any more. Maybe that's why you've given all those Elves on the Shelf their power. You need an enforcer to intimidate the children into good behavior. That's just not your strong suit, but it is a good use of management skills.

In any case, there really isn't anything that I need. We have our health, our home, full bellies, and no real worries. If there's such a thing as bequeathing my list fulfillment to someone else, please do so. If not, here's my ridiculous list for 2012 (also known as Holiday Spirit Quest item #24).
  1. For my wishes to be bequeathed to someone who really needs some Christmas cheer.If you won't do # 1, then here's my list:
  2. For the cats to adjust their bodies to want food at a more reasonable hour in the morning, like 6 a.m. when I normally wake up instead of 4:30 a.m. They really know how to mess with my sleep pattern.
  3. If you can't fulfill #2, how about giving me the ability to sleep like the dead so that when the little munchkins start their stirring around me, I am not affected. 
  4. Adjacent to #3, I ask to have legs of ice so that when Attila curls up next to me to sleep with his thousand degree body, my legs don't suffer third degree burns.
  5. A fitbit and the ability to be motivated by it as I have been less than motivated in the last week to do much more than power walk in the mornings and lazily count my calories. Neither of which has motivated me to change my ways.
  6. Momentum-building upon my motivation to finish my novel. The first one has to get finished before I can start on the next one that's in my head. Plus I need to feel that sense of accomplishment at finishing something that seemed like it would never get done. 
  7. More LA friends and the desire to want to leave the house to see them. I actually made some headway on this this year, but I still have to really really like someone to leave my husband to go hang out with them. I'm sure that says something wonderful about my marriage and something equally bad about my anti-social behavior.
  8. For my hairdresser to continue at least doing my hair even though she's officially quitting hair to be a paralegal. I wish her well and luck and will happily support her education with hefty tips if she'll continue to keep my "auburn" locks a shade that seems plausible in nature.
  9. For the Colts to win a playoff game. If that's too much to ask for this year, I then ask that the New England Patriots and Tom Brady do not get another Superbowl ring. Or that Peyton Manning wins another Superbowl. I'm really not that picky as long as it's some combination thereof. 
  10. Since I'm talking sports, I would be remiss if I didn't thank you for last year's early present of Christian Watford's 3-point basket for the win over Kentucky last year. I will not use this space to ask for anything for my beloved Hoosiers as they're just really fun to watch this year and I don't want to taint it too much with lofty, near-impossible expectations. I just want to enjoy a successful season.
  11. One more night of debauchery with my oldest friends. I know that this is probably not going to keep me off the naughty list for the coming year, but it would totally be worth it. Not that I really want to relive my youth, because it was nice while it lasted, but I'm okay with it being over. What I would like to do is get Brooke, Lara, Anne, Amanda and Schultz together at someone's house or with a hired driver or both for one epic expenses-paid all-nighter. This doesn't mean drunkenness, but more great food, good spirits, some karaoke, and a night of no worries--no kids, no husbands, no curfews. One of the bummers of not having a formal wedding (and there really wasn't a lot of down side) was that there was no big excuse to bring all the girls back together. 
  12. For the perfect red lipstick that compliments my skin tone and makes my mouth pop while staying only on my lips and not outside the lines. I would prefer not to look like Ronald McDonald.
  13. The ability to eat candy corn and sweet tarts by the handful without any caloric effect.
  14. To finally be able to make a suitable roux to make homemade macaroni and cheese that turns out smooth and delicious instead of having a slightly floury after taste. 
  15. To be motivated and willing to actually use the beach chairs we have stored in the closet a few times this year without feeling like it's too much of a hassle.
  16. To only use Pinterest for good and not evil.
  17. The ability to continue to squeal with delight when I have those moments where I can't believe someone so cute and funny and wonderful chose me. 
  18. To have more moments when I remember why someone so cute and funny and wonderful chose me. (It's because I can be awesome. And awful. But more awesome. At least I'd like to think).
  19. To do something fearless this year and feel good about it no matter the outcome. 
  20. Is my list starting to look more like resolutions, Santa? Sorry about that. I resolve to be more on point. I mean, I would like for you to give me succinctness and the ability to digress less.
Happy Holidays, Santa. I have baked many cookies for your visit, but sadly have eaten most of them. There is, however, plenty of broccoli and salad for your reindeer. Haven't touched that stuff lately. And help yourself to Chef's Egg Nog. Unless that would put me on the naughty list, in which case I say hands off.

Safe Travels and Merry Christmas (and to everyone that's reading this too!),
Ashley

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