Getting Kind of Excited And Terrified

I have officially finished hand editing my novel and I have to say that it doesn't look as bad as I thought it would. Are there some big sections of boring prose and little progress? Why yes, yes there are. Are those sections easily cut or rewritten to better fit into the entirety of the story? Why yes, yes they are. Considering I started writing this novel in pieces that weren't not necessarily in chronological order and I wasn't sure if I what I wrote would end up making much sense, I can say that I was pleasantly surprised.

So now I'm adding my edits into the computer and adding some touches before I send it to a few trusted people to read through before...DUM DUM DUM...trying to find an agent. My goal is to theoretically have something workable to send out by January 1st. I'll be using this time to not only polish the roughness of the manuscript down a little more, but also to mentally prepare myself for the agony of being rejected constantly.

I don't know if anyone takes rejection well, and I am no exception. I especially have a hard time if the rejection is coming towards something I care about and needless to say, I care about my writing. Even when I try to pretend I don't.

What I really fear is that this thing will get looked at and people will think it needs a major overhaul. Which means that I'll be rocking myself quietly in the corner for a month or so. As much as I love this novel, I'm also ready to start working on something else, too. Meaning that I need to have some time devoted to the new characters in my head. Unless that's schizophrenia, but then that would present before I turned 30, so I think it's just new characters.

Wish me luck!

Dear Santa 2.0

I have no real reason to write to you. Not that I don't believe, but because there really isn't anything that I truly need. And while I can't say that I was entirely naughty this year, I can't claim that I was entirely nice either. I'm sure that cancels out somewhere in your listing-making capabilities, but I've never really understood how your system worked. I mean I knew some bitches who were spoiled by Santa so I found your methods a little flawed. I hate to criticize, but I'm also fairly certain that you grade on a curve so I'm not that scared any more. Maybe that's why you've given all those Elves on the Shelf their power. You need an enforcer to intimidate the children into good behavior. That's just not your strong suit, but it is a good use of management skills.

In any case, there really isn't anything that I need. We have our health, our home, full bellies, and no real worries. If there's such a thing as bequeathing my list fulfillment to someone else, please do so. If not, here's my ridiculous list for 2012 (also known as Holiday Spirit Quest item #24).

1. For my wishes to be bequeathed to someone who really needs some Christmas cheer.If you won't do # 1, then here's my list:
2. For the cats to adjust their bodies to want food at a more reasonable hour in the morning, like 6 a.m. when I normally wake up instead of 4:30 a.m. They really know how to mess with my sleep pattern.
3. If you can't fulfill #2, how about giving me the ability to sleep like the dead so that when the little munchkins start their stirring around me, I am not affected. 
4. Adjacent to #3, I ask to have legs of ice so that when Attila curls up next to me to sleep with his thousand degree body, my legs don't suffer third degree burns.
5. A fitbit and the ability to be motivated by it as I have been less than motivated in the last week to do much more than power walk in the mornings and lazily count my calories. Neither of which has motivated me to change my ways.
6. Momentum-building upon my motivation to finish my novel. The first one has to get finished before I can start on the next one that's in my head. Plus I need to feel that sense of accomplishment at finishing something that seemed like it would never get done. 
7. More LA friends and the desire to want to leave the house to see them. I actually made some headway on this this year, but I still have to really really like someone to leave my husband to go hang out with them. I'm sure that says something wonderful about my marriage and something equally bad about my anti-social behavior.
8. For my hairdresser to continue at least doing my hair even though she's officially quitting hair to be a paralegal. I wish her well and luck and will happily support her education with hefty tips if she'll continue to keep my "auburn" locks a shade that seems plausible in nature.
9. For the Colts to win a playoff game. If that's too much to ask for this year, I then ask that the New England Patriots and Tom Brady do not get another Superbowl ring. Or that Peyton Manning wins another Superbowl. I'm really not that picky as long as it's some combination thereof. 
10. Since I'm talking sports, I would be remiss if I didn't thank you for last year's early present of Christian Watford's 3-point basket for the win over Kentucky last year. I will not use this space to ask for anything for my beloved Hoosiers as they're just really fun to watch this year and I don't want to taint it too much with lofty, near-impossible expectations. I just want to enjoy a successful season.
11. One more night of debauchery with my oldest friends. I know that this is probably not going to keep me off the naughty list for the coming year, but it would totally be worth it. Not that I really want to relive my youth, because it was nice while it lasted, but I'm okay with it being over. What I would like to do is get Brooke, Lara, Anne, Amanda and Schultz together at someone's house or with a hired driver or both for one epic expenses-paid all-nighter. This doesn't mean drunkenness, but more great food, good spirits, some karaoke, and a night of no worries--no kids, no husbands, no curfews. One of the bummers of not having a formal wedding (and there really wasn't a lot of down side) was that there was no big excuse to bring all the girls back together. 
12. For the perfect red lipstick that compliments my skin tone and makes my mouth pop while staying only on my lips and not outside the lines. I would prefer not to look like Ronald McDonald.
13. The ability to eat candy corn and sweet tarts by the handful without any caloric effect.
14. To finally be able to make a suitable roux to make homemade macaroni and cheese that turns out smooth and delicious instead of having a slightly floury after taste. 
15. To be motivated and willing to actually use the beach chairs we have stored in the closet a few times this year without feeling like it's too much of a hassle.
16. To only use Pinterest for good and not evil.
17. The ability to continue to squeal with delight when I have those moments where I can't believe someone so cute and funny and wonderful chose me. 
18. To have more moments when I remember why someone so cute and funny and wonderful chose me. (It's because I can be awesome. And awful. But more awesome. At least I'd like to think).
19. To do something fearless this year and feel good about it no matter the outcome. 
20. Is my list starting to look more like resolutions, Santa? Sorry about that. I resolve to be more on point. I mean, I would like for you to give me succinctness and the ability to digress less.

Happy Holidays, Santa. I have baked many cookies for your visit, but sadly have eaten most of them. There is, however, plenty of broccoli and salad for your reindeer. Haven't touched that stuff lately. And help yourself to Chef's Egg Nog. Unless that would put me on the naughty list, in which case I say hands off.

Safe Travels and Merry Christmas (and to everyone that's reading this too!),
Ashley

Is 33 too young to start thinking of your mortality?

Lately I've been obsessed with time and I'm not sure why. I feel like 33 is pretty young and therefore I should be LESS worried about time, but then I think of all I want to do with my life and the spiral starts again.

Maybe this is the consequence of having a parent who died relatively young. Or maybe I'm just slowly going insane. Or maybe I'm too ambitious. I really have no idea.

It was kicked back up lately because of a news story about how freezing eggs is now considered common practice and is covered by some insurance companies. They featured a woman on there who was 38 years old. Only five years older than I am. This freaked me out.

While the whole "should I have a kid?" debate is really for a completely different blog post (if at all.) To be honest, the kid thing has been a feeling that has been a pretty steady "no" for the majority of my life. And while I'm not sure it will change, I abhor the thought that my indecision would make a decision for me. Not just for this decision, but really for any decision. I want to be the person creating my life and not letting it just spring up around me.

But I digress. This is about time. And all the things I'm scared that I won't get finished. First of all, I am afraid this damn novel will never get done. Then I'm afraid I'll never get to the point of owning a home. Or eventually having a job where I work for myself (that's less about time and more about fear). But honestly, isn't it all really about fear? I always thought I was fairly fearless, but come to find out that's not so much case. So now fear of dying before things get done is becoming my mantra.

I guess I have two choices: 1) keep thinking these morbid thoughts and do nothing or 2) use this to do something. I'm probably more of a choice #2 person. Any advice?

Notable Things from September

from @andrewchen blog

I know that I concentrate on my goals every week and I'm proud of that, but what does those weekly goals add up to? Well, I've noticed a few things last month that made me proud, so I thought I'd share. Here are a few of them:

• I'm only 4 lbs away from my lowest weight EVER (since the age of 14-yes, 14)
• My skinny jeans are looking good again. I wore them yesterday and didn't have trouble breathing or standing muffin top. (Who out there doesn't have some sitting muffin top? I ask you this in all seriousness. I think even models have a slight fold of skin when they bend in two, right?)
• My clothes are looking way too big. And when does someone NOT like to buy new clothes? Not that I have yet, because I'm waiting until I'm lower than my lowest. I still have some clothes from the back of the closet that I need to bust out.
• My "hack around" shorts, the shorts I put on when I change out of my work clothes but before bed, are so big that I have to really use the drawstring to keep them up, not just use it for show.
• I topped my own record from last month for most blog posts in a month. Previous record was 24 and I got 25 in. Not too shabby.
• I also topped my most blog posts in a YEAR--beating out the first year that I started this blog. I guess California makes me want to share more or I'm prioritizing blogging more. Either way, I'm happy to keep on, keeping on.
• I feel happy about my novel and am less attached. These are both good things. I'm able to move things around and cut things with little internal debate. It's actually fun!

I'm sure October will be even better! Any big goals that you have coming up or completed?

I Need To Write

Apparently i'm very concerned with my needs this week, as is apparent from my blog posts. Or maybe because I'm in town all week, I'm thinking about my need more. Probably on my drive to and from work. Or in the shower. Or in the gym at 5:30 in the morning when I'm alone with my thoughts and ESPN.

But I've come to think about things a lot more lately and realize that I need to write. That I have things to say. And not just blog posts but real things. Some are my inner most thoughts that I haven't caught up with in a while. My journal, or this volume of the tome I've kept since I was about 15, has not been updated in a while. Since I write some of my thoughts in the form of fiction and others on this blog, the things that I can't share with others has taken a back seat. Mostly it's just an unedited, uninhibited version that my children (if we choose to have them) will wince when reading.

Despite all that, I also know that I have a few stories brewing in me. One I think can be added to the latest version of the novel. One that i'm not sure fits and could be the beginning of another project. The only question becomes: How can I finish these projects? Or why can't I seem to? Why am I not prioritizing my writing a I do my sleep? Where can I find the extra hours in the day? Would it be the same to record my thoughts and then transcribe them? Does that count as writing?