Woman without Purpose or Project

I have to admit that I'm feeling a little lost lately. Not physically. I know where I am (most of the time), although my time zones have been all messed up and wreaked havoc on my body lately.

Mentally, though, is a different story. I feel like I don't really have a purpose. Before you start to get all worried about my mental state, just stop. This isn't a cry for help or anything like that. It's simply this: ever since I've been about 8 years old, I've always had a project going. Something creative and fulfilling or creative and ridiculous that kept me looking forward to spending time with my thoughts.

Frankly, those things have been missing from my life lately: creativity and free time.

Everyone is busy and to pretend that I'm special because I've been busy is frankly, just sad. Yes, I've been traveling a lot. Yes, I'm juggling a lot of demanding people all at once. But if I made things a priority, I would get it done. I just have a hard time not being a people pleaser. I don't think this unusual. It's why so many women will push their husbands to the hospital for a sniffle but nearly die of walking pneumonia before they see a doctor themselves.

Instead of prioritizing creativity and art and just a release, I have used my free time to be with my husband and rest. There's nothing wrong with that. I can't think of anyone that would fault me for those choices. But I miss having a purpose.

Do moms feel this way? Like really?

I feel like so many times I read mom blogs or talk to my mom friends and the idea that their kids aren't their purpose in life is something none of them will admit or talk about. I'm not saying kids aren't a worthy endeavor, but I rarely heard dads talk about their kids in the same way. I wonder if moms would have their mom cards revoked for admitting such things.

By contrast, adults without kids are often asked to nail down their life's ambitions and to always have them at the ready to serve the dual-purpose of being a reason for their happiness and existence AND the reason they chose not to have kids. But I'm majorly digressing here on a subject that really is a post for another day.

I need to find a project. A reason to write (a deadline or conference or something to shoot for). A reason to tell stories again. To create stories. To make myself and my creativity a priority.

And to sound less obnoxious when doing it than I have here.

Any advice?

I'm Not Good At Time Zone Math

With a boss and colleague in the UK, a freelancer in Denver, another freelancer in New York and colleagues in DC, I've found something pretty evident out: I'm not good at time zone math.

I can't automatically look at my watch and know what time it is in London. Or New York. If the time crosses over the 12:00 hour (on either end), I'm screwed. Also take into account something I never realized: Europe observes Daylight Savings Time a full two weeks after we do. So there was a two-week period that the time difference was an hour less than it normally is. Yeah, it confused the crap out of me.

Another thing I've found out is that my body isn't good in dealing with time zones, either. I firmly believe that even after four months of being in LA, my body is still on Central time. I get up at 5 a.m. (7 a.m. CST). I never used to get up that early, but I can now. I go to bed at 10 p.m. (12 p.m. CST). I also never used to go to bed that early (at least not normally) either.

And when I went to DC this week, I felt more in tune with Eastern time until it was going to bed. Then I was awake until almost 1 a.m. (EST). Of course the end of the Butler game could have had something to do with that too.

So it's 4:40 PST. I got on a plane at 9:15 EST and was on the plane for 6 hours. So it's like it's 7:40, right?

All I know is that I'm tired. And tired transcends time zones.