Woman without Purpose or Project

I have to admit that I'm feeling a little lost lately. Not physically. I know where I am (most of the time), although my time zones have been all messed up and wreaked havoc on my body lately.

Mentally, though, is a different story. I feel like I don't really have a purpose. Before you start to get all worried about my mental state, just stop. This isn't a cry for help or anything like that. It's simply this: ever since I've been about 8 years old, I've always had a project going. Something creative and fulfilling or creative and ridiculous that kept me looking forward to spending time with my thoughts.

Frankly, those things have been missing from my life lately: creativity and free time.

Everyone is busy and to pretend that I'm special because I've been busy is frankly, just sad. Yes, I've been traveling a lot. Yes, I'm juggling a lot of demanding people all at once. But if I made things a priority, I would get it done. I just have a hard time not being a people pleaser. I don't think this unusual. It's why so many women will push their husbands to the hospital for a sniffle but nearly die of walking pneumonia before they see a doctor themselves.

Instead of prioritizing creativity and art and just a release, I have used my free time to be with my husband and rest. There's nothing wrong with that. I can't think of anyone that would fault me for those choices. But I miss having a purpose.

Do moms feel this way? Like really?

I feel like so many times I read mom blogs or talk to my mom friends and the idea that their kids aren't their purpose in life is something none of them will admit or talk about. I'm not saying kids aren't a worthy endeavor, but I rarely heard dads talk about their kids in the same way. I wonder if moms would have their mom cards revoked for admitting such things.

By contrast, adults without kids are often asked to nail down their life's ambitions and to always have them at the ready to serve the dual-purpose of being a reason for their happiness and existence AND the reason they chose not to have kids. But I'm majorly digressing here on a subject that really is a post for another day.

I need to find a project. A reason to write (a deadline or conference or something to shoot for). A reason to tell stories again. To create stories. To make myself and my creativity a priority.

And to sound less obnoxious when doing it than I have here.

Any advice?

Guess who's back?

Remember me? I'm the person who used to blog. Previously known as Ashley.Currently known as the person who does nothing but work. But I'm changing that. Because 2014 wasn't a ton of fun. It had all the elements of fun, but none of the actual fun. Essentially I was a fun facilitator. I made fun possible for other people. Which was great for them but not so great for me.

That's what my goal is for 2015. Have fun. Be intentional. Make my own decisions and not let decisions make me. Know that I am not that important. There are other that can do things faster, better or just as well as I do. It is not life or death that I mark everything off my to do list every day. It is okay to say no. Limits are my friend. Setting them is my gift to myself. It will make me happy. It will give me sanity. Sanity and happiness will make me more productive. But in the end, no company, client or account will ever love me like my friends and family.

As I take a deep breath and languish in the last few hours before returning to work (yes, I was there on Friday, but when you're at work and you're not getting 20 emails an hour, you're not really feeling like it's work), I will remember to be happy. Have fun. Be intentional (does this sound like a mantra? It might end up being a mantra. Or it might end up being something that I chant to myself in the corner as I'm rocking myself in the fetal position after I get 100 emails within the first 3 hours of work).

Be happy. Have fun. Be intentional.

Making time for Me

If you've been checking back here lately and not found a post, well honestly, you must be a relative. But anyway, you may have surmised that I've been busy. You would be right.  

In the last few months, I've had a stretch of working 38 of 40 days. Then working a ton during the week. Then a few more weekends.  Don't get me wrong. I love my job and I'm thankful for it, but in the near compulsive need to please people (clients, bosses, coworkers, husbands), I've forgotten to please someone pretty important: myself. 

I'm not unhappy, but I'm not as happy as I could be and frankly the fault is my own. I know myself fairly well. I know that I am most satisfied when I take time for myself to do the things that feed my soul. My soul is hungry. And no amount of gummi bears or cheeseburgers or lazy afternoons on the couch will make me feel better. 

So I'm going back to what makes me happy. Unless I'm in danger of missing a client deadline, I am going to leave the office before 7 each night. I am going to workout every weekday. And by workout, I mean work up a sweat. I will do something to move my dreams each day. This will probably involve having fun with my novel in Scrivener, which is awesome. 

And so this post is like so many more where I have to remind myself that I'm important. Taking time for myself is not selfish. 

And all this to say thank God I don't have kids. I don't think I could stand the guilt. 

Unintended Consequence of Traveling Alone: Selfie Abundance

Amsterdam was awesome. The city was beautiful, the people friendly and the food (for the most part) delicious. It was a great work trip and I was really lucky to be able to go. The only thing that would have made it even better was if Chef was able to go. Maybe if I'm lucky enough to go back to this conference I'll plan far enough ahead to bring him along too.

Anyway, one of the things I learned after looking through my pictures was that I apparently took a lot of selfies. I think this was mostly because I was alone, vain, and have been taking them before they went digital and had a name. I literally have hundreds of pics from holding the camera out in front of me all my life. So it really is no surprise that I have selfies galore from the trip.

Since I had them, I thought I'd tell the story through myself. Or my selfies.

This was right outside of the Anne Frank House. It was touching and amazing. And no photos allowed inside. 

Me and a piece of art at the Rijks Museum. I wanted a Rembrandt selfie or a selfie with Van Gogh's self portrait,
but they were always busy with crowds.

Selfie with a Kendra, my DC co-worker on our last night

Last Dinner selfie. I have to say that the tablescape was prettier than any wedding I've been too (sorry, friends)

"I'm on a boat" selfie. We getting ready to glide through the canals with champagne.

Selfie with my NYC colleague, Ed, while we made some pastries and chocolates.

Not technically a selfie because my hands were full. Here I am filling chocolates with a ganache.
Chef would've been so proud. 

Again, not a selfie, but me and another DC colleague Amaris making Dutch Apple Pie (of course)

So, I went to McDonald's. So what. After 4 days of meals with 10 ingredients per dish, you'd probably want a cheeseburger too. Plus they're a client, so that's technically just doing my job, right?

This used to be the Capitol building in Amsterdam
but the prince decided at one point it was too nice to be government and took it over. It was pretty sweet. 

Some large statue that someone told me was important.
There were always people gathered around it, so I bought in. 

What Do You Want Me to Bring You Back From Amsterdam?

Don't say hookers or hash. I won't be able to get either back in my luggage.

I've been so busy preparing lately that I haven't been able to blog or even think about my trip. I'm heading to Amsterdam this week for work. I'm so excited to go. At my last job, I left a mere two weeks before a trip to London was scheduled. So the fact that I'm getting to go to Europe (again) and the Netherlands for the first time is awesome. (Another bonus reason I LOVE my job.)

I'm going to escort and help a brand I work with present to some very exclusive movers and shakers in the food world. But the whole conference is set up to be fun and with free time, so I'm looking forward to going to the Anne Frank Haus and the Rijksmuseum. Have any other suggestions? When someone mentioned the red light district to me in front of a client, he replied "she can't go there. But she could go to the red head district." It made me smile.

Anyway, I leave on Thursday and come back next Thursday. If you don't hear back on an email or text, just wait. I will have Internet (theoretically), so I hope to post some pictures and document the trip. Wish me luck!

72 and Snowy

Yesterday I got to play around in the snow. It was man-made snow, but still a good time. A festival had ordered snow and it rained so they weren't able to use it by the date, so they donated the snow to the Pasadena Ronald McDonald House. They're a client, so I was pitching cute kiddos playing in the snow in 70 degree weather to the news media and got a bite. All in all this snow day was a win-win.

The local Fire Department came by and got into a snowball fight with the kids.

This little girl was enamored by the camera. 

Last Day in Hollywood

Well, kind of. Our office is moving from Hollywood Boulevard to Westwood on Friday. And because I'm out of the office for the rest of the week, this was probably my last time in the office (barring something catastrophic that I forgot). I've only been in Hollywood for about 16 months, but that was enough. The novelty of having the Walk of Fame just outside our office wore off after a few times of trying to trudge through crowds of tourists that were blocking the sidewalks to take a photo.

I will also not miss the miscellaneous road closures, the daily religious mob that chanted every day at noon (which signified lunch for us), and the most exotic lunch option being the California Pizza Kitchen.

We move to Westwood. I'm excited to get to know a new neighborhood, especially one so close to UCLA. And for me, the difference is pretty negligible in terms of commute, which is essential in LA. And I think that this office will even have an outside facing window, which is awesome. Oh and the fact that there's an actual loading dock and I won't have semi-drivers drop off my convention gear in the middle of a street because they can't find parking, will be an added bonus.

So as I left today, I was sad that I will probably not be back there a whole lot, but happy to not be going back there a whole lot.

Westwood ho!

I Went to San Diego and Came back With Photos...and Allergies

There's something about clean, ocean air that doesn't agree with me because I was in San Diego for three days, two nights (on a work-related trip that included some delicious food) and by day three was so clogged that I was begging for the ability to breathe.

Two days after being back and I'm still draining, which is as lovely as it sounds. The one bonus is that my body is exhausted so I'm going to bed before 10 p.m. and skipping my morning run for more sleep. At least it's Friday.

In case you needed proof that I'm alive since I've been ignoring this blog for two weeks, here are the best things that I brought back from San Diego:

This was the view of a little cove next to the restaurant where we had some of the best shrimp and bananas foster cake I've ever had in my life. What's not captured is the loud moaning of seals in the cave that echoed out. 

If you look closely on the rock, you can spot three seals. Do you see them?

My favorite picture. It was a pretty sunset and the wine was good. Sometimes I forget that I live here.
This is a great reminder. 

Wine + Good Food + Work friends= Good Summer Outing

Last year's summer outing was a raucous affair with not so hidden flasks and a tour of Hollywood. This year was much more subtle, but still had some good alcohol.

For our work's summer outing, we headed to Malibu Wines, this vineyard tucked in the Malibu Hills that let's you taste beautiful wines and then hang out in their cool vineyard. We brought some delicious food from Food Lab and played games and just had a wonderful time.

Don't you wish your summer outing was like this? :)

The Porter Novelli SoCal team (why do I always work some place with only one dude?)

I'm not sure if that was real wine in the fountain, but it was really wine colored and almost stained my shirt.
That's what I get for trying to be funny. 

Dead soldiers from our afternoon. They served us well. 

This is the artwork that greets people as they come in. I need this at home. 

My friend Meredith using the macro setting on her phone to get up close and personal with some grapes. 

The view from the tasting area

Our little neck of the vineyard. The estate has zebras, llamas, camels and all kinds of crazy stuff. 

A Few Days in Chicago

I had one of those meetings where you aren't actually in a big city, but in the suburbs nearby and have no real opportunity to see the city. Once I literally had a meeting where we stayed in the hotel ATTACHED to a Tampa airport and never left. It was the business meeting version of the movie The Terminal.

This week I went to Chicago for a marketing meeting for a client. It was for about a thousand people, and you could tell that the organizers were determined to make it a good time. There was an awards dinner, a disco and an appearance by a special guest...Jamie Foxx. There was also a video greeting to the group by LeBron James. That doesn't normally happen at a lot of meetings that I go to. Not only that, but one of our clients is friends with the family that owns Superdawg, so we did get off the hotel campus for a one meal--and it was delicious.

Despite all the bells and whistles, it was a good learning event too. I also got to meet and see a lot more people on the client side, which is always a good thing. Did I mention that I love my job?

Here are some of my photos from the trip:

Not only did the hotel have my name on the screen only a few minutes after I checked in, but they also provided me with tampons for the duration of my visit. Classy!

The inside the hotel reminded me of a complicated game of Jenga.

My first visit to Superdawg--hopefully not the last!

The outside with the Hot Dog Couple

All beef Superdawg--I loved the peppers!

The packaging was classic and cute too.

Jamie Foxx had just come in from his stay at Comic Con promoting The Amazing Spiderman 2. He plays the newest villain and we got to see a clip. Looks pretty good.

THe other guy is George Leon from Columbia Pictures marketing. He was SO excited about this movie. Jamie Foxx was also very entertaining. 

I danced a little, but the disco was not entirely my scene.

Public Relations is. . .

I find I have to explain what I do to people a lot. When I worked for a company or non-profit where I was the sole PR person, it was a constant push-pull with my colleagues as to what I was supposed to do vs. what they were asking me to do.

Working for an agency, my co-workers clearly know what it is that I do because they do the same thing. It's kinda nice to be able to bounce ideas off of someone who gets it. The challenge now is making the client understand what it is that we do for them.

Honestly, my own family probably has a hard time really understanding what it is that I do with my work, so here is my short and sweet way of trying to explain it to the world.

Public Relations is:

• NEW: one of the only industries that has the word "disaster" or "nightmare" behind it when you hear about it in public. Like "Paula Deen is dealing with a Public Relations disaster." Or "The BP oil spill is STILL a PR nightmare."
• NEW: something you only hear about when it goes wrong. When it goes right, people think that you did nothing at all. 
• Working with the media to try and get your company/brand/product or your client's company/brand/product mentioned in a positive light on TV, the radio, in a newspaper story, online or via social media.
• being excruciatingly detailed in working plans for events.
• being able to toss out said plans at a moment's notice when stuff doesn't work out exactly as you had it drawn up.
• event planning.
• working hard for all reporters and having some of them hate you. 
• spending all day setting up an interview to have it called off because Justin Bieber got in a car accident. 
• working with mascots and crazy mascot rules, and the crazier people that abide by those rules on the daily.
• saying stuff like "unfortunately, we can't move the priceless work of art that weighs 2,000 lbs because it's in your eye line as you're giving an interview. Perhaps you can just ignore it or maybe move as you weigh less than the art?" with a straight face. 
• feeling elated when politicians cite a statistic you provided them with in a media interview or otherwise on the record.
• seeing your spokesperson and information correctly represented in a news story.
• having a speaker you prepped deliver everything exactly as you had told him or her to deliver it. 
• being an impromptu graphic designer when stuff has to get changed immediately and you have to pull a Tim Gunn.
• having a sense of gratification when you see a sizzle reel of all the work you did.
• knowing what a sizzle reel is.
• convincing people you work for that you can't just call up the major newspaper in your city and have them come out to cover a check presentation ceremony.
• reading a lot and writing a lot. 
• knowing you'll probably end up working with a lot of women. 
• becoming an expert in things you never knew you'd know like the difference between heart disease, stroke and cardiovascular disease or how to earn a Girl Scouts patch or why librarians are so disgruntled. 
• so much more than working with the media. 

Okay, PR friends, what else am I missing?

Vacation is Over

I'm so fast...I'm a blur!

Well, duh. My vacation has been over for literally weeks. But between it and work travel, it felt like I was on a vacation. . .but only from eating well and working out. I hadn't stepped on a treadmill for almost three weeks until this Monday. I haven't gone that long without regular exercise of some sort in years. Which also explains the weight gain. Well, not completely. But stuffing my face with anything that sounded good at any time of day even if I was full probably does. Oh and sweet potato pancakes. I only had them for one meal, but I believe they added at least 3 pounds on me.

Anyway, I went back to work in many ways this week. My first full week in the office in almost a month. Yes, really. Not to say I haven't worked a full week, because I have, but been travelling, had holidays and the aforementioned and blogged

Waiting for me

about vacation. So BAM! The perfect storm for pudginess.
On another related note, I've been receiving more mail this week than in my entire life. Why am I so popular? I'm administering a grant program for a client  and we've had more than 80 come in--two-thirds in the last three days. The thrill of receiving a package with your name on it is completely lost on me right now. Although I still love the program because I'm a non-profit nerd and love checking out what everyone is doing. It's in my blood.

Who Gave Me this Lovely Dragon?

I came back to work on a Wednesday morning after being out of the office from a Friday through Tuesday and found this little guy waiting on my desk. I love him and he is perhaps my new favorite piece of office decor. He came at the perfect time as not only was it RIGHT before the "Red Wedding" episode of Game of Thrones, but also before I saw a rerun of one of my favorite 30 Rock episodes. The 30 Rock episode is one where Liz has Criss earn "Criss Points" to be cashed in for money to take her out on dates. If you freeze frame the tote board with ways to earn Criss Points, #1 is "Showing Enthusiasm for the Criss Points System" and #2 is "Referring to me as Khaleesi". 

Now that I have my own dragon, I feel like I am an honorary mother of dragons and therefore should be referred to as Khaleesi (I might even award you an "Ashley Point" for doing so). Now I need to name my little guy.

It was also be nice to know who left him on my desk so I can thank that person. I asked my usual suspects but came up with no answers.

And if this entire post is confusing to you, Congratulations! You must be one of those people who are too busy to watch TV. I assume you are a stranger to me. 

Three Days of Productivity Down....Infinity to Go

I don't know if its because I'm busy at work, or that I'm trying to be busy at home, but I've felt exceptionally productive since I've banned laziness from day. I've cut down on surfing the Internet unless I'm doing it for a certain reason. I'm returning more personal emails so that I have something to look forward to in my inbox other than Sole Society or Bauble bar sale emails. I feel good.

And as an unexpected side effect, I've actually not fallen asleep on the couch this week. I have been energized enough to go to bed between 11-11:30 instead of 10-10:30. I have not hit the snooze button ONCE (yes, I know it's only Wednesday, but small victories, okay?). Unfortunately, this has not had the desired effect of landing me to work much earlier because traffic (even with my minimal commute time) has been a bitch. Such is the case of commuting in LA--even if it is only 4 miles.

However, I have been waking up sore. And for a change it hasn't been because I slept funny. The bright side is that I've been sore because I've been working out at night again. The sad side is that I've only been working out for 12 minutes. Let me be clear: I do run/walk intervals for 30 minutes on the treadmill in the morning and I run stairs for at least 10 flights a day. But the toning/strength training is only 12 minutes. It only takes 12 minutes to make me sore.

All in all, I'm happily productive. Of course, the more you do, the more there is to do.

There's No Crying in Baseball...or the Boardroom

I hate crying at work. I mean I absolutely loathe it. I actually don't really like crying in front of people in general. From time to time I've even hid my tears while watching a movie so that Chef won't see what a sap I am.

And it's not like I hate crying in general. I actually find it very cathartic. There are times that I just want to get a good cry out so I can feel better about something. And I give myself permission to do so.

I realize that sounds really cold. That I give myself permission to cry, but that's what I don't really like about crying. The timing. I don't really like to be surprised by my emotions. I don't like to suddenly be overcome. It's just not who I am. So if it happens, I like for it to happen private.

Which goes back to the whole thing about crying at work. I can only think of a handful of instances where I've cried at work ABOUT work. And typically it was because I was stressed about work and something sent me over the edge where I landed in Teartown. For example. I remember a huge breakdown in the back parking lot of the AHA when I had a shitty day dealing with a coworker and then my car finally died and refused to go forward. It would only go in reverse. Tears are pouring and I'm having a nervous breakdown, but my friend (and boss) and another supervisor got out of their car in heels on their way to an event to help push my car back into a parking spot. I was losing it at work, but my work friends came through (I would like to think they were also alarmed that I was crying because again--rarely happens at work).

Most of my work tears have been personal things that have happened to me that I have carried into the office. Luckily, I've been able to scoot around and find some privacy to make that happen.

I bring up crying not because I've spent today in tears (although yesterday morning dealing with a plumbing problem before work was a whole different matter), but because I read this article about crying at work. The article spells out that it's not all bad; that crying at work can actually be good for a group. However, my cynical eyes read it and ended up thinking "This person is really advocating using properly placed tears to sway emotional advantage and camaraderie in the work place. Really? Really?".

Because that's the thing with tears, no matter how much you may want to, you can't really control them. It just seems weird to try. 

Sometimes It's the Little Things

People may find it hard to believe, but my new job is much like my old job at the American Heart Association. And in a good way. I say it may be hard to believe because my new job is working with a quick service restaurant and its accompanying charity. Heart disease and fast food that's the same? Yes. Mostly because the issue of obesity is literally and figuratively so large that everyone is working on it.

But I digress. I really like this job and I have fun doing things I like. I get to work with healthcare professionals and charity volunteers and media. I may start the day at a High Tea and end it chatting with physicians assistants. It's that the days are all different that's exhilarating and infuriating at the same time.

But mostly I try and appreciate the little things. And one of the little things is going to happen this week. And next week. First of all, I'm excited because I get to go to Las Vegas for the second time in two weeks. You might wonder why I'm excited this time, but it's because of this: the conference I'm working at is unlike any other that I've been at. It's only open from 7 a.m. to noon. Then it's free time! That's 19 hours every day to do what I want. I'm sure I'll work and I'll probably get caught up on sleep, but I know I'll also eat well, write and do some hanging out. I'll miss Chef, but if he wants to, he can totally come too.

The second thing is this: one of our staffers is leaving. Now that's not a good thing; don't get me wrong. She's been here forever (kinda like me at the AHA), and she's very good at what she does. I hope that I can contribute to the team like she does. But her departure brings me something to be thankful for: an office. I have been working in an open plan desk area for the four months I've been here. It's been good because I've been able to work and meet my new coworkers and get to know the account.

But let's face it. There's something nice about having  a door to shut when you don't want to be bothered. And some clearly defined space to call your own. I don't have my own "room" any more at home so having it work again will be nice. It had been about a decade since I hadn't had an office and I will now appreciate it more than ever. Fingers are crossed that the office comes through. While it has been mentioned, I know that it's not a done deal until my stuff is moved in.

On a lighter note. . .

I now work in an office that dresses up for Halloween. I've never been one to dress up much. Mostly because when you're overweight there aren't enough "sexy" or cute costumes so you end up being something like a nun, with lots of fabric.

But this year I panicked last night when I realized that just about everyone else was dressing up except me. So, I headed down two blocks on Hollywood Blvd (where it's Halloween 365 days a year) and got a few items to make my costume. In case you don't recognize it, I'm Audrey Hepburn as Holly Golightly, one of my favorite characters of all time.

At the end of the day, I realized that I would love to wear a tiara every day.

Our whole work crew. My boss as Prince has to take the cake. She really committed.

My Philly Trip: A Photo Essay

I've been a little busy lately. In fact, yesterday was the first day in October that I had off. And I relished in it. But in the mean time, my busyness has made for some fun pictures of what I've been doing. Here are some from my work trip to Philadelphia where I was at a conference with 9,000 nutritionists. And I still had a plethora of Diet Dr. Pepper. Turns out even nutritionists love soft drinks.

A giant paint brush with a dollop of paint

Ben Franklin cranking away at being a craftsman. (Before his whore-y Paris days)

Philly City Hall-- I saw it at least twice a day because I tried to walk from my hotel everywhere. 1) I hate cabs. 2) I was trying to stay somewhat active. 

The famous LOVE statue. It made me miss Chef.

The booth is where I spent most of my time. The robot was a visitor from a neighboring booth. People loved the robot. 

My friend Meredith who found the BEST place for us to eat dinner.

The outside of Tulala's Garden. It was just as cute on the inside and MAN was the food delicious. Couldn't have had a better meal.

Philly was fun and I was also lucky enough to meet up with (but not take pictures of which is stupid of me) my friend from my college internship, Beth. I also had the joy of meeting Beth's baby, Adelaide, and her awesome husband Tim. All in all my only complaint was that it rained. And for a girl who lives in sunshine and was walking everywhere, this was an adjustment. But I look forward to going back again and actually seeing more sights!