Training to do NOTHING

I love having to drive more than 400 miles roundtrip to be trained on an initiative that's not going to happen in your market until Fall 2007. Nothing makes me happier than wasting my time.

However, it's the 4th of July weekend and we get out of the office at 3:30 on days before holidays. We're like the government that way. I actually think we have better hours than the government, but that may be an exageration.

On another note, I just got my e-ticket confirmation for my trip to Europe. I'm TOTALLY excited. I also am a little pissed that my passport picture looks so bad. I mean, I know it's the cliche and all, but I got a REALLY bad one. Here's a replay of my conversation about it with Chef:

Me: Look how BAD this is. I mean, do I REALLY look like this??

Chef: If you do, love has blinded me more than I thought.

And scene.

Have a great holiday, bitches!

Some people look better with some cushion for the pushin'

Do you know what happens when you lose more than 100 pounds?

Well, most people don't. I can't say that I do, but I have seen it done before and here's the one thing they don't tell you in those gastric bypass counselling sessions: You may need some junk in the trunk to look good.

They don't tell you that you're losing weight to get healthy, not because a producer said your ass was blocking half the screen. Kudos for losing weight to loser your blood pressure and cholesterol. But don't think that shedding the pounds will make you any prettier. Sometimes chubby hides things that should be hidden. Like the real structure of someone's face.

Here are some of my favorite examples. You tell me which picture looks better.

Star Jones
Before
After

Nicole Richie

Before
After

Hillary Duff

Before

After

Look, we're fat in America. It's true. But can we at least agree that bones aren't pretty? There's something to be said for a happy median.

Here's to all of us trying to find ours.

So, I can't count

Actually, I can't read a counter, because I'm still like 500 hits away from hitting 5000. Thanks to Chef for pointing it out to me.

So Friday, I was trying to start my car and the key would go in, but not actually move. For those of you who have a Toyota, you know that you have to jiggle the wheel sometimes for the ignition to give. However, when I did it, nothing doing.

Of course, not only will my car not start, but my window's rolled down, so I can't really leave it. I call a work buddy to stay with my car and lend me hers while I roll home to grab the original key (I'd been using a copy for about 3 years). Get back to the car, the ORIGINAL key won't work so now I'm getting pissed and balls ass hot.

I have a moment of freak out as the dollar signs flash in front of my eyes and start slamming the wheel with my hands. After they are nice and sore, I call information who hooks me up with a locksmith. The locksmith says it's better to take it to a Toyota dealer, because he's not sure he can fix my problem and would still have to charge me for the trip.

I call the Toyota dealership in town and the guy there tells me to jiggle the wheel. Not once but twice he tells me this before I explain to him that I'd already tried that, my friend had already tried that and a passing-by cop had already tried that. He then tells me he has to have my car to fix it and hooks me up with a tow.

So, after a really nice wrecker picked me up (he really did make everything seem better), the dealership guy said he'd try the cheapest thing first: making new copies of my keys at $13 a piece. Can you believe it? It actually worked. He said that ice or something had warped the driver's side door and stripped the keys. They finally got so bad that they wouldn't work in the ignition any more, but that the ignition was fine. I have to use my old busted key to work the driver's side door and the new keys for the ignition, but that works for me!!

And that was my Friday.

Turn off the Mic

A valedictorian in Arizona is pissed and potentially suing the school system because they turned off the microphone during her valedictory address. She had gone off script, despite being repeatedly warned not to do so and the pulled the plug.

What was she saying? She was telling the crowd of her relationship with her personal lord and savior, Jesus Christ. There are few things in this that I take issue to:

• According to the interview, she admits that the school district edited her original speech citing, among other things, that it identified a specific religion. She also admits that she conceded to the changes but felt "pressured" to do so.
• The school district sent home a letter citing a similar case in California where the court upheld the school district's decision to keep church and state separate. Later in the interview, the girl's father stated that he was going to sue the school district not for money, but to "set precedent." Um, isn't that what the school board letter referenced.
• The other thing that struck me is that the school had a copy of the speech in a teleprompter and the AV person said that anyone who veered from the written speech would have their mic cut off. Her mother stated "We were hoping that was a scare tactic."

Okay, I'm wholeheartedly for free speech, but how can this girl claim her free speech was impeded. She does not have a right for amplification. The Bill of Rights says nothing about that.

Another thing that upsets me is that several Christian conservatives are the first to claim protection under the Bill of Rights when it comes to praying and other religious actions. However, they also vehemently oppose when others use these same freedoms in cases that don't suit their agendas (ie-flag burning, Marilyn Manson, etc).

Lastly, I would be interested to see how much attention or support a student would get if they were to go on stage and preach the word of Satan.

Freedom of Speech doesn't just protect the speech we agree with.

**Please remember to let me know if you're the 5,000 visitor to my blog!**

Well, Good For You

Have you ever met someone and known instantly that they were ultra-competitive? I met someone like that this afternoon. She was a lady older than myself, in the same line of work and new to her current job. It seemed like she was trying really hard to make sure she "beat me" when she introduced herself. At first she would introduce herself after me and make sure she made more small talk. Then she just raced in front of me toward people to introduce herself first.

The funny thing was that I wasn't even "working" the event. We were part of the event with several other non-profits and my representative in charge of that area of our work told me not to bother rousing up the media. We are putting on a similiar event in a month that is purely ours and he wanted to concentrate my efforts on that. Anyway, I give this woman about 16 months before she's beaten down.

On another note, my counter's getting close to the momentous number 5,000! If you are lucky visitor 5,000 on my blog, expect a big shout out and perhaps a prize. So, you must leave me a coment to let me know.

Yes, I'm a dork and I'm proud of it.

Random Things that Have Bothered Me

The first couple relate to the Britney Spears Interview that Matt Lauer did. The rest come from directly from my life:

1. Why would anyone let Britney chew gum through a television interview?
2. When asked if she would consider moving from the paparazzi capitol of the world to a small town, Spears answered with "Yeah, I could move to Atlanta."
3. When told that some people label her a redneck in a derogatory way, Spears replied with "Well, I hate it when people label other people. I mean, I'm not a Bible belt person..."
4. Be comfortable, but flip flops, a jean skirt and your boobs hanging out are not really camera-ready.
5. I hate it when there's no leadership at your workplace, the office is down money, the main office is down money and there's a general feeling of fear and tension in the air every day.
6. It's also unsettling when you talk to your boss and he doesn't really do anything to assuage your fears because he's facing the same thing.
7. I couldn't stop giggling when the preacher at church (I went with Dad for Father's Day) made the comment "Jesus left some DNA in you." It's still making me laugh now.
8. That my one of my best buddies left work again for Maternity Leave and I miss her already.
9. I wish I could write down things that are in my head. Like a machine that would tap into my brain waves and transcribe some of the random thoughts that are forgotten the moment after I think them. Sure this device would be of great use on those in who're quadriplegic, but this is just one of those random thoughts.
10. It bothers me that no matter how hard I try, I can never keep up with people's birthdays.
11. When people at work are so recognition-hungry that they take credit for things they had no part in. Then get pissed off when those who actually performed the task, call them out.
12. That in some of our states, blind people can legally shoot guns and have hunting licenses without a sighted guide.
13. It pisses me off when I'm at Sam's and every time I touch something, it shocks me. So when I touch some batteries and get an especially large shock, I yelled "JESUS!". The woman next to me shook her head and said "That's really not necessary." I wanted to stick a cattle prod up her ass and see what kind of words she'd come up with.

Well, it's time to end another day at "Tension Island Enterprises." Until tomorrow, or the day I get fired, good night.

A Conversation between Preston and Shiloh in 13 years

The following is a conversation between Preston Spears and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt in about 13 years.

Preston: People paid $500,000 for my baby pics.

Shiloh: That's nothing. My parents got $4 million from the pictures and more than $20 million worldwide.

P: Well, a sculptor made a statue of my mom when she was pregnant with me as a stand for pro-choice.

S: Well, my parents were so hounded about people seeing me that they went to Africa to flee the media. Your dad only acts like an African-American.

P: Well, your mom broke up your dad's first marriage.

S: So did yours.

P: Your parents took you to Africa for the native experience and then you lived in a multi-million dollar home.

S: Your mom dropped you on the head, had you riding without a car seat and had child protective services called on her.

P: Your dad made Ocean's Twelve.

S: Your mom remade a Bobby Brown song.

P: You're going through an awkard period.

S: With lips like this, my whole life is an awkward period.

End scene.