And I Was Full

The last few weeks have been a struggle. For months I would start each week with that high ambition of making it "the week" that I get back on the wagon of watching what I ate religiously. And by about 3 p.m. Monday afternoon, there would be a bag of gummi bears on my desk.

For some reason, I just couldn't feel satisfied. I don't want to blame it on stress or being busy because I can't think of a person on Earth, who doesn't have those two words and all the feelings around them to justify any poor behavior. Something felt off and different. I didn't seem to be eating all that much more, but weight kept creeping on and for about three weeks I lost the feeling of fullness. It seemed like I could push myself to eat steadily without that feeling that prompts me to stop.

But the real motivation came when I was in the bathroom and closed a drawer on my stomach while leaned over the counter to do my makeup. It's pretty embarrassing to admit. I mean, I have typed a novel with my boobs without even knowing it (busty women out there can feel me on that one), but I've never closed a drawer on my stomach. Here's the scary part: I didn't feel it or realize it until I leaned back. I probably shouldn't admit that but let's just put you all in the frame of mind that I was dealing with when I decided enough was enough.

I knew I had to get a handle on things quickly. I didn't want to end up where I was at about seven years ago when I started my first weight loss adventure. I couldn't wait until I was well over 200 lbs before I righted the ship.

Plus I had enough encouragement from Chef telling me that he thought I had a slow metabolism because I wasn't eating that much. Maybe I wanted some validation, so I decided to go to a doctor and see what I could find out. I had a bunch of tests and it turns out the news was reassuring but also kinda crappy: turns out my metabolism burns about 450 calories less per day than it should.

The doctor asked if I had tried Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig or anything else. In fact, WW was the last thing that I had tried about 2 years ago and it wasn't really effective--because even at the lower calorie intake, it wasn't low enough to overcome the 450 calorie deficit that my metabolism was bringing to the table.

I'm now working to "reset" my metabolism and am on a protein and plant-based plan to help drop some lbs again. I know and always know that battling the bulge will be a lifelong struggle for me, but knowing that doesn't make it suck any less.

Wish me luck. . .again.

It's Official: I Quit Weight Watchers

Delicious downfall: Ravioli purses with ricotta
pears,  sage butter and dried cranberries

The weight loss saga continues. Let's be honest. At least I'm being honest with myself. The saga will continue for my entire life. It's just how it goes. However, this chapter has closed. The Weight Watchers chapter, not the weight loss chapter.

I officially cancelled my Weight Watchers subscription this week. Part of it was because I was not losing  ton of weight. Part of it was because I had stopped tracking for about five days, which is always the beginning of the end, and part of it was because I didn't really think it was for me. To be fair, when I actually concentrated on losing weight, I did. But I didn't really like the points system. And although I was heavier AT ONE TIME when I merely counted calories, I wasn't the last time--when I lost 20 lbs in found months. With WW, I lost 6 pounds in 4 months. Part of that was because I wasn't super into it.

The tracking system was okay. It had far less food in its database than other systems--like myfitnesspal--and was easy enough to use. But in the end, I just didn't like it. Perhaps it gave me too much freedom with weekly bonus points and exercise points. Perhaps it would've been nice to use to maintain weight (I certainly didn't gain any), but wouldn't work for me for the mean time.

That being said I'm going back to what worked for me...again. Calorie counting. High protein. More fruits and veggies. Daily exercise.  All starting. . . Monday :). I should at least get my holiday.In the end, I don't consider Weight Watchers a failure. I did end the program weighing less than I started. And that should count for something.

A Letter to My Body

Dear Body:
You and I have not always gotten along. In fact, I'm sure sometimes we've been on entirely different pages. For example, I'm not known for my grace and that's partly because of my lack of balance. And do you remember when puberty hit and you made my boobs grow from an A cup to a DD cup in the eighth grade? Or how about the psoriasis that leaves me looking like it's snowing in July when I don't use my medicine (okay, I'll take some of the blame there). There was that lovely bout of adult acne you surprised me with a few months ago, and the poor eyesight you blessed me with.

I was pretty sure you were being an asshole once again, Body, these last few weeks. I was ready to blame you and Weight Watchers for my mental anguish, but I think you could sense my frustration. I have been on Weight Watchers for a little more than 8 weeks now.

While I hadn't been perfect in my eating habits, I had been under my points goal each week (meaning I had not completely depleted my "weekly bonus points" and my banked activity points--and if you haven't done Weight Watchers, just take that to mean that I had done what I was supposed to to lose weight). I had lost a few pounds (a little over 3 to be exact) and while Chef was doing a good job of talking me off the ledge, my inner monologue was less forgiving. How the hell could I NOT be losing weight when I had cut out multiple indulgences in bad fast food decisions and baked good runs? But I didn't lose every week. In fact, I had gained more than a pound and half when I was at wit's end.

"I lost more weight when I just counted calories FOR FREE," I thought to myself and said aloud. A few naive but well-meaning people tried to talk me through the weight loss process. I tried not to bite back with a "I'm familiar. I did lose 90 lbs in one chunk before, so I know how this goes."  But since they didn't really know that and I wanted to keep friends and encouraging people in my life, I bit my tongue.

But Body, this week it's like you knew. You knew I was at wit's end and decided that now was the time to kick it in gear. You motivated me with extra energy and rewarded me this week with a 3 lb weight loss on weigh-in day (and then shed another 1.4 lbs the day after because you know that I'm obsessive and weigh in every day). So now I'm more motivated than ever. I have lost just over 8 lbs and am almost at 1 lb per week, which seems so much better than just under half a pound per week.

And because you knew that I needed it, you shed some lbs where people would notice so that I got not one but three comments on my weight loss by different, random people.

To show there's no hard feelings, I'll keep up the exercise and healthy living. But in return if you could turn some of this flab into muscle and just get rid of some of the fat, I'd appreciate it.

Thank you!

Better than Domino's

The finished lightened up white pizza.

We've been on a kick of eating from recipes we've gotten off of Pinterest. (And to clarify the "we", Chef cooks and I find the recipes--as if you hadn't guessed that already). I was thinking of trying the cheesy quinoa tonight, but we ran out of milk. So I was kept late at an appointment and Chef was left to try to make something else--without any protein thawed or ready. We have a weekly list of recipes that we use to pull our nightly selection from. Typically, I've pulled chicken or beef or whatnot from the fridge to have it ready.

In this case, Chef whipped up a white pizza that I'd pinned recently from the blog Emily Bites. Being that I know my husband, I told him to look it over and jazz it up. And jazz it up he did.

He seasoned the crap out of the chicken breasts and cooked them in a pan then de-glazed the pan with a little white wine. He then carmelized some garlic (like 3 times as much as the recipe calls for because I LOVE garlic) and added some red pepper flake. He then added that to the Classico Light Alfredo sauce the recipe called for. He substituted basil for spinach (because he could just pluck the basil from our patio) and it was a masterpiece. Seriously it was one of the best pizzas I've ever had and definitely the best pizza I've had in LA. It was cheaper, more delicious, healthier and quicker than any delivery or frozen pie. And that's saying something. From the moment I walked in the door to the moment I was stuffing my face with pizza, it was 15 minutes (he did, however, cook the chicken and prep the topping before I got home to keep me from getting hangry).

Results are pictured and my waistline is still the same size, yet completely satisfied. It felt so decadent. I feel like Oprah when she had Bob Greene and Dr. Phil and the whole damn team helping her lose weight. Except I've got Chef and he's all of them rolled into one. I'm so lucky.

If the picture doesn't convince you, your stomach will--you should be following me on Pinterest.

My New Crack

My Skinny Funfetti Dip

Yesterday I made crack. For the first time. Because it's crack, I'll probably be drawn to making it again, but I have plenty of it right now, so I'm good for a while.

By crack, I mean MY crack. Not actual crack cocaine. But my version: Skinny Funfetti Dip. It's like taking cake batter and making it less guilty. And it's stupid simple. I was scooping the hell out of it with some mini Teddy Grahams last night. Clearly it still has calories, but let's just say those little Teddy mofos were covered in the dip.

I got it from Pinterest. (Yesterday was my Pinterest experiment day: Kale chips, Bubble Up Enchiladas, lower cal white chocolate macadamia nut cookies, and the funfetti dip). And it was stupid simple to make: Funfetti cake mix, yogurt and cool whip. I used vanilla yogurt instead of the plain, but whatever floats your boat. Here's the link from the Eat Yourself Skinny blog that made my crack possible.

If you want to check out the other recipes, they're on my Pinterest board, which just hit 200 pins. Which means that I have so many more dinners and snacks and desserts to try out. Or have Chef make too.

Trying Not To Get Frustrated: Weight Loss Edition

I'm seriously trying not to get down or frustrated. I am losing weight, but not a lot. And I don't mean "I'm not losing the 10 lbs this week promised by this cleanse." I mean, I've lost weight before and when I make a concerted effort, I lose about 1-2 lbs a week. Normal, nicely paced weight loss.

Since I've been on Weight Watchers, I've lost 3.4 lbs. Total. Over five weeks. Look, I know all that lifestyle change stuff and I get it. I don't typically get too down about a bad weigh-in, but I was hoping that at least one week on Weight Watchers that I would see a nice chunk drop. And that hasn't happened yet, which is why I'm frustrated. And hence why I'm venting. (It also doesn't help that all I see are success stories about Weight Watchers. Has anyone failed on this program? Makes me feel like I'm the only one who is struggling.)

Does this mean that I've lost sight of the long term benefits or that I'm throwing in the towel? No. Does it mean that I care more about a number than other benefits? No. But I'm numbers driven. Always have been. It's the quantifiable way for me to measure success and I like seeing success. Who doesn't? Right now I'm not as successful in this field as in the rest of my life, which is frustrating. Because I'm spoiled. I'm used to being successful.

Okay, so now is where I have the logical side of my brain say all the things that weight loss and healthy living does. So here goes:

• Even nominal weight loss lowers risks for health complications like diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and heart disease. 
• Establishing a healthy lifestyle that is sustainable is much better than establishing one that will only help me lose weight. Once the weight is gone, the lifestyle needs to stay. 
• I am eating more fruits and vegetables now than I was before. 
• I am paying more attention to things like carbs and protein and fiber, although not obsessively.
• Chef is being 100 percent supportive and I am exceptionally lucky to have someone who will not only go on the ride with me, but will also cook a lot of my meals. It's like I'm Oprah with Bob Greene.
• To be honest, I am still cheating way too much. I am using my weekly bonus points (not all, but a good hunk) and eating crap food less often in a day than eating more good food.
• I could ramp up my exercise.
• I need to be more precise on my food measurement for portion purposes. 

So I'm not 100 percent in the clear here. This week I will try my best not to use any bonus points and to remember the big picture. Even at the slow and not so steady rate of weight loss I'm at now, I'd still be more than 30 lbs down by the same time next year. And who wouldn't like that?

I Should Be Ashamed, But I'm Not

One of the few things I did this weekend. Make (and eat
some of) this Light Butterfinger Cake. Delish!

I had my fourth weigh-in on Friday during my Weight Watchers foray, and it was disappointing. Less than a pound. 0.8. I did the math in my head three times before I accepted it. I had done everything right that week. I had watched my "points" like a hawk. I was about to get super bummed when there was  voice in my head. It was Chef's.

"A loss is still a loss. Besides, we're changing our lives, not just the scale," the voice said.

He didn't say it at exactly that moment because he was still in bed at the time, but he had said it before, so I had that in my back pocket. I did better as I got to work, but still a little miffed so I checked out the Weight Watchers site to see if there were any more pointers. One said something about concentrating on the long term (which echoed Chef's words) so I did the math. 

If I were to have a week like last week, where I ate predominately well but still lived my life and enjoyed a few treats,every week for a year then I would weigh 41 pounds less than I do now. Which actually would put me WAY under my lowest weight ever as an adult and probably around where I should be to be well within the healthy BMI. So I got over the weigh in (clearly I'm sharing here, but I haven't been obsessing as I might've), and had a great weekend.

So why should I be ashamed? Because I did absolutely nothing over the weekend.

Let me rephrase that. I clearly did some things. In fact, I did things that I really wanted to do. But leaving the house wasn't one of them. I actually left the apartment ONCE from Friday night until I left for work this morning. Chef did the grocery shopping on Friday night, and ran out when we had any "urgent" items we needed.  But for the most part, I did this:

• Did not put on make up all weekend, and mostly pajama-type clothes
• Leisurely read the two huge Fall fashion mags that I had been stockpiling
• Took baths and read the novel I just started
• Watched the "Weight of the Nation" documentary series (not all of it)
• Watched various detective movies, most but not all featuring Al Pacino
• Ate copious amounts of french fries and beef (on my cheat day)
• Played with cats
• Downloaded an iPhone app called "cloth" that allows you to store and sort pictures of your outfits (as well as weather conditions)-- I'm hoping this will eventually help cut down on the amount of time that I spend picking out clothes in the morning
• Pinning about 100 new weight watchers or skinny recipes on Pinterest for future use
• Repainting my toes and fingers
• Having a wonderfully lazy weekend with my husband
• Made a "light" Butterfinger cake from this Pinterest recipe that was actually damn good

It was glorious and this morning I feel great! So I'm not ashamed that I did exactly what I wanted to do this weekend. Which was nothing much. 

Why I Joined Weight Watchers. . .this time

To say that losing weight is hard is just stupid. It's like saying that you need oxygen to live or that ice cream is delicious. It's so ridiculously known that everyone already knows it. It's dumb to say.

And while I've done it successfully (I consider it a success that I've kept 70 of the 90 lbs of weight loss from 5 years ago), I still need help. Or motivation. Or both. So last week I decided to join weight watchers online. I have never tried Weight Watchers before and have seen so many success stories (including Jennifer Hudson who looks amazing) so figured it was worth a shot. Plus my aunts, my friends and countless others who have used the plan and it worked for them.

Weight loss would be great. But I'm also looking to get healthier. That's actually a big key of choosing this particular plan. I have used MyFitnessPal for nearly a year and it has helped me (when I've made the concerted effort to use it) count calories. But I was only counting calories. So if I wanted to use my daily allotment on gummy bears, so be it. It was just calories.

Since this program also takes into account fat, fiber, carbs and protein, I have to choose more wisely. And the fact that fruits and veggies in their purest forms do not count against my daily plans means that I've already eaten more bananas and raspberries and veggies in the past week than the last several combined. And that can't be a bad thing.

We all need to mix it up and I'm mixing it up this way. I need to get back on track. Even if I never end up looking like Jennifer Hudson, I'll have hopefully established or reestablished some healthier habits.

The odd thing is that I seem to have these urges to get healthy around this time. The first time I lost weight, I started on August 2nd. I've kicked my butt into gear around this time for the last couple of years and I officially joined Weight Watchers on July 31st. What is it about the end of summer that makes me want to kick my own ass?

Have you lost weight or had success with Weight Watchers? Any advice for the newbie?