How To Wash a Cat

When Mila started walking around with a fume cloud following behind, we knew we had to break down and give her a bath. Being a long-haired and somewhat unable to reach all her tough spots, the smell was mostly due to some poorly placed cling-ons. Once one cat is washed, the non-smelly cats seem smelly because they don't have the shampoo fresh aroma. So, claws be damned, we washed them all. Here's how to do it without losing an eye.

1. Have a partner. Someone stronger and willing to get wet. Chef was my obvious choice as he owns the cats as well and they trust him. As much as cats can trust taller life-forms.
   
2. Be quick. It takes about 2 seconds to get clawed. It takes a few weeks for the marks to completely heal. I had a bowl and two large cups filled with water, ready to douse the suspicious cat.
3. For God's sake, let go. The cats go from trying desperately to get away (Chef holds them by the back of the neck to secure them) to being bundled, or rather swaddled straight jacket style, in a towel before they realize they've moved. They get praise and cuddles quickly before we let them loose on the house.
   

The whole thing lasts between 60-120 seconds.

It's kind of like when I washed my dog Pepper, except that he could never claw me and as soon as I let him go, he would find the nearest piece of furniture to rub up against until he was dry. The cats spend the next hour licking the spikey tufts of hair down. I'm sure one or all of them will leave us a nice hair ball vomit spot tomorrow as revenge.

But for now, I'm going to pick a cat and push my nose into it's muzzle to take in the clean smell.