Writing for the Enemy

I've done a fairly good job up to this point in my life avoiding politics. Don't get me wrong. I have to join in the fight when I'm called to duty for work, but for the most point, I try to leave my opinions out of my work.

I even made it a point not to pursue traditional journalism in college for fear of having to do the "hard news" and be forced to sit in countless city council meeting. Little did I know that I would end up sitting in city council and school board meetings anyway.

Nonetheless, imagine my surprise when I was asked to write a speech for a very conservative and popular Senator that I'm not a big fan of. It's an honor for sure. And when I'm ready to apply at the Heritage Foundation, I'll make sure to mention it.

On another note, I had a moment of pure rage and empowerment the other night. My friend Greg and I were at the movies seeing RENT when we were unfortunate enough to be in the same theater as ten middle school age kids. Five sat in the back row of the nearly empty theater and five sat in the front row. They yelled back and forth to each other during the movie, threw hats and scarves at the screen and were generally annoying.

I was tolerant at first thinking back to my own days of showing off for the crowds. However, my nostalgia wore off about 5 minutes later. After one guy shouted "Shut the fuck up!" the group quieted down for about two minutes. When they started up again, I had had enough. I got out of my seat, marched up to them and said "You need to shut the fuck up or I'm getting a manager to toss your asses out of here. I paid my money to see this movie and I'm going to see. So shut up or leave!"

I sat down and the adrenaline was pumping. It's yet more proof that perhaps children aren't really right for me. Nonetheless they quieted down and then five minutes later they all left. Greg and I were happen to watch the rest of the movie in peace. And quiet.

In My Head, I'm Worth More than All of Them

Forbes has an article out that just makes me warm and fuzzy for the holidays: The Forbes' Fictional 15. Fifteen fake people that are the richest in the world. If it's not bad enough that we have to be reminded of REAL people that are richer than us by Time .

The thing that kills me is the time that was spent on the issue. Articles about who dropped out, why Ted Clampett moved up (Black Gold, Texas Tea, Bubbling Crude-- They all mean the same thing: CASH), articles about the conditions and hours in Santa's workshop, the business philosophies of Montgomery Burns, and all kinds of other crazy crap. If I wanted fake news, I'd watch The Daily Show. I'd hate to have been someone that paid for that.

Besides, I bet that in my mind, I'm a WAY bigger fictional billionaire than those people. I spend at least $20-100,000 a day by going "Wow! I could really use a new car" or "Man, I wonder how much that house cost?" I've already accumulated billions by my fabulous inventions, my best-selling novel and my three movie appearances (one of which garnered an Oscar nomination last year).

In my head, I smoke all those bitches.

Everybody Wayne Chunn Tonight!

Yesterday during a conference call, I picked up a newspaper that had been lying on my desk and laughed out loud at the expert on the front page. Of course, I happened to laugh when one of my colleagues was discussing the fishing out of dead bodies from New Orleans, but I recovered miserably with a "I have to laugh or I'm going to cry."

The cause of yet another social faux pas: L. Glasscock. That was the guy's name. Well, I abbreviated the first name to protect the unfortunate, but you get the point. that's just a bad name.

It reminded me of the names that I would randomly come across in my time doing phone solications. I kept a list and am sharing them with you:

Curley Bumpus (Perhaps a different take on “bumpin’ nasties”)

Hugh Callaly (say this one out loud)

Wayne Chunn (Everybody have fun tonight!)

Crystal Glass

Mary Beaver

Harry Person

Teenie Hooker

Muff Farmer

Marina Plant

Oakerlene Corpier (it’s just funny)

Sometimes I'm more like a 12 year-old than I would like to admit!

Shove that Candy Cane Up Your Ass

People are already starting with the office Christmas shit and frankly, I'm ready to shove their cheer right up next to the candy cane.

First of all, people are decorating their individual offices. Okay, I understand wanting to celebrate the changing of the seasons. I even have a little snowman that was gifted to me in the office exchange one year sitting on a bookcase. However, he's also holding a sign that counts down the days until Christmas vacation. Not the holiday, just the glorious days that I don't have to be here.

However, there are others that are going overboard. Lights, trees, motion-detecting musical items that aren't turned off when their owners are gone. If the Scooby-doo lunchbox I had on my file cabinet two years ago was considered tacky and I was told to take it down, why do the wreath made entirely of glitter (which is on the floor) and the singing Santa get a stay of execution?

Aside from all that, there's the annual Christmas party. We've had one every year for the 4 previous Christmases that I've been here. Last year, I was unable to go to the party because one of my co-workers scheduled a TV commercial to be shot in the middle of it. Then she refused to go comfort her nervous volunteers on set because "well, I don't want to miss the party." This is the same woman that called her assistant into the office when her assistant called in sick, yet took the afternoon off to do Christmas shopping.

This year it didn't seem like we were having a party. Then I looked at the calendar. Some people were having a Christmas party. I just wasn't invited. That's right. Only half of the office is invited. And the worst part is that they tried to keep it a secret, yet mysteriously half of the office has an "off-site staff meeting."

There's no "I" in team but there is in "Christmas," bitches.

Puffy, Swollen Eyes

I had passed it many times at Blockbuster. There were several things going for it that I wasn't too keen on:

1. It was about boxing and I don't get the point of two people beating the shit out of each other.
2. It had Hillary Swank who reminds me of Secretariat.
3. Clint Eastwood kind of creeps me out.

However, when it came in the mail from Blockbuster, I felt I had no choice but to watch Million Dollar Baby. For some reason, I at least attempt to watch whatever I've put on our Blockbuster list. It's like taking responsibility for my poor choices. I may have felt like watching a Bollywood version of a movie called "Bride & Prejudice" because it had Naveen Andrews in it at the time, but when actually faced with watching 2 hours of singing and dancing Jane Austen, the task was too much to bear.

With Million Dollar Baby, my interest was peaked. I knew very little about it other than the chick boxed and Morgan Freeman was in it. I have to say that I was highly impressed. Yes, it won a bunch of Oscars, but there's only a handful of Oscar contenders that I've seen in the last couple of years.

Anyway, if you haven't seen it, check it out. It went to places that I totally didn't see coming and I ended the night with a stuffy nose and swollen eyes, which are still plaguing me today. The story was great and after doing some research on the author, F.X. Toole, it's interesting to read some of the other things he's written.

That was my exciting night last night. I was hoping for something decent to watch on TV, but it appears the networks have left for Christmas vacation early. I mean, really, NBC! An Elton John concert that features Pamela Anderson pole dancing to the Bitch is Back. Is that really the best you have to offer?

Play On, Playa

I generally like to stay away from sports-related blogs, but I can't help myself today. The Colts won again making them 13-0. Having just clinched home field advantage for the play-offs, there's talk about whether they should sit their starters out for the next couple of games or play out the season and try for the 16-0.

Here's my vote: play it out. After every game they win when the subject of going 16-0 comes up, how do Colts players, management and coaches respond? "We're going to take it one game at a time."

Great. Fine, but if you're going to give me a sports cliche, can you at least live up to it? By taking starters out now, the team would not being playing it one game at a time. They'd be playing for 4 games from now. And if they're going to start predicting the future now, then why didn't they rest their starters for the last couple of games and just played Arizona at full force the last week of the season to clinch things. It would've given them the atmosphere of a play-off game because if they lost, they'd be jeopardizing things they'd worked all season for.

I realize that people get injured. People get hurt and can't play and that's bad for the team. But being a great team means playing your ass off and overcoming things that like. Or we could be like the Eagles and rest our starters to lose momentum and then lose the Superbowl.

If playing to the end goes wrong, Coach Dungy can always blame me.

On another note, my Christmas hysteria is starting to overtake me. I've only gotten three presents bought and I'm starting to panic. Plus we've got to send stuff to Chef's family in Florida which makes me more nervous. Please tell me someone else out there hasn't really started yet too.

I Feel Gay (Not that there's anything wrong with that)

And I'm feeling it in the correct usage for the word. I'm happy. I'm also in what is classified as a "domestic partnership", for the first time in almost 6 years.

What brought this about? Health insurance. My company is going through the usual open enrollment and for the first time in history they're offering insurance for domestic partners. I've never had need for this, as I've only lived with relatives and college roommates, but this year, it's coming in handy. With Chef starting school in January, our need for joint insurance has made itself abundantly clear. So having that option has made me gay (happy).

However, classifying Chef as my domestic partner makes me feel gay. The requirements to do so are written to be somewhat specific, not too stringent and very non-offensive. In fact, one of the terms includes the phrase "engaged in a committed relationship of mutual caring and support." Not exactly how or where I'd choose to profess my support and mutual caring of Chef, but whatever works.

The last time I was in a "domestic partnership," it was with college roommates when filling out a census form about 6 years ago. It was true in the broadest sense of the terms and hopefully helped balance the scales a little for all of those people who denied their "domestic partnerships." Plus we thought the phrase was funny in its effort to non-offensive.

On another note, has anyone else noticed those "top ten" lists for search engines? It seems like every one from google to yahoo to msn, has a top list. Have you ever looked at it and wondered "How the hell did he/she/that make it up there?" Sometimes I wonder if there are groups of fan clubs or people that decide "today we're making our move" and the proceed to hit one specific search engine a number of times so that it registers.

Case in point: "Jodie Sweetin." The lovable "Stephanie Tanner" from Full House. For some reason last week, her name was on the msn top searchable terms list for about 3 days. I tried to search for any news on her and come up with nothing.

I want to be a search engine star. Something with my name on the msn homepage. Or perhaps we should try to make a search term famous. Something like "red rocket." Anybody got any suggestions?

Monday's are great for the Gyno

I'm an equal opportunity hater. At least when it comes to days. Some people I despise more than others. People who come into my office with the phrase "I'm know this isn't your job, but...." is currently topping my list.

Anyway, my point is that I hate Mondays just as much as Wednesdays or Fridays. The only days I'm not hating lately are the ones that I don't have to work on. When I have to work, my day is pretty much shot.

There can be no better way than spending a cold, Winter Monday morning than with nothing but a sheet wrapped around you and crinkly white paper under your ass. Or better yet with your legs in stirrups. It's 20 degrees outside and only about 10 degrees warmer in the office. Of course, I could try to have my appointment in July, but they crank the AC up to about the same level then, so really it's no different.

My doctor is nice, efficient and knowledgeable. However, hearing the words "Well,that's not abnormal, but let's schedule another appointment to look at it again" never really started anyone's week off well.

That was followed up by a bunch of reminders that we're slicing budgets at work and things that we've done in the past that we won't be able to do now. Nothing says happiness like telling some people that they won't be getting your money this year. But when it comes down to it, it's either they get the money or I don't, so they can suck it.

Speaking of sucking, the Titans lost to the Colts yesterday. I'm finally getting my revenge on the Titans fans here. Of course, there's always some kind of excuse for poor play: piped in crowd noise, illegal call mimicking from the line, poor officiating and now this. You lost and you stink. Revel in it and get a better draft pick next year.

And as far as revenge goes, what kind of revenge would you get on your ex-husband who you only divorced officially two months ago, but is now becoming the adopted father to some other woman's kids? Definitely a wedgie or something far more sinister in mind. That would be a tough one to swallow, no matter how "centered" you are supposed to be.

Customer Service Sucks

Today I was trying to correct an error my bank made. I called one number, waited 30 minutes for this answer "Oh, this is the wrong phone number for that. Please call this other number." I called the other number and got "Oh, well, you have to go into your branch for that." It was at that point that I lost it.

It reminded me of that commercial for DHL where they tout their customer service by showing extreme, yet frighteningly realistic, versions of bad customer service. Of course, this is the same company whose driver threw boxes up to the second floor of our apartment complex from the atrium instead of walking them up. And it took him three tries to get it up there. Chef called and complained, but their customer service department didn't seem to care.

I've worked shitty retail jobs. I've been yelled out because of Beanie Babies and asked what present seemed appropriate for an imprisoned gay lover. I know it sucks. But when a non-idiot customer asks you where the rice cakes are, don't just point to an area. Actually show me that they've been moved to sit RIGHT NEXT TO THE DONUTS in a cruel home version of Temptation Island.

Oh and Nick and Jessica broke up. SHOCKER. I don't care if you've got millions of dollars the first couple years of marriage will ALWAYS be hard. Why make it harder by subjecting yourself to even more scrutiny and selling your marriage to the highest bidder? Also, releasing the information the night before Thanksgiving didn't really make it less newsworthy or make it so that you could have a stressfree meal.

It only means one thing: No Nick & Jessica Christmas Special this year. Now that's truly a genuine One Size Fits All present.

What Can Brown Do For You?

Chef and I were watching The Soup again the other day and came upon some clips from Being Bobby Brown. I never watched the reality show with Bobby and Whitney. Mostly because I didn't want to see Whitney be all crazy and feel like it was Bobby's fault bring her down, but knowing that she was probably really crazy to start with.

Anyway, one of the several clips shown feature Bobby talking to Whitney while she was doing her make-up. She looked like she was sitting at some sort of vanity, while he looked like he was sitting on the toilet. Anyway, he starts going into some story about how he used "these two fingers" (insert video of Bobby holding up his two index fingers) to get a turd out of Whitney's butt.

That's right. He scooped a turd from Whitney's butt.

Um, I love Chef, but I'll be damned if I would use my hands to crunch up his turds for him. I'd rather bleed than ask him into the bathroom for that.

On another, less fecal note, the management company has decided to let go of the maintenance and management crew that was running our complex. What does this mean? It means DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD. If not dead, at least fired or reassigned. Whatever it is, Shelly is no longer at our complex.

In the two short weeks (which included last week over Thanksgiving) since the change, the crappy ass plaster job that was done was ridicule and fixed by the new crew. They also actually came back--they were a day late, but get this, THEY CALLED TO TELL US THEY WERE COMING A DAY LATER--and painted the area. When they didn't have the paint that matched our bathroom and used a darker color, they offered to paint the entire bathroom to match the new color. Things might not be perfect, but I'm already liking the change.

Perhaps if She Played the Violin with a More Popular Part of her Body

gay

1 a : happily excited : merry b : keenly alive and exuberant : having or inducing high spirits
2 a : bright, lively b : brilliant in color
3: given to social pleasures;
4 a : homosexual b : of, relating to, or used by homosexuals

*****

From the gossip pages:
Paris (Hilton) is a "classically trained violinist," says Blender (via the New York Post), although it looks like she has no plans to show off her string skills on her much-ballyhooed forthcoming CD.

"I'm not going to be onstage playing the violin," she explains to the mag. "That would be gay."

*****

Which one of those means stupid? None of them. That's not even the most bothersome thing about this quote. It's just the first thing that I can think of to contradict. Actually, it was the first thing that She-Ra brought to my attention.

I have several other problems with this bit of gossip. First of all, I am technically a classically trained pianist, yet I haven't played piano for over 10 years. Does this qualify me to put down a recording of it? No.

Second of all, since I hadn't heard much about the Paris Hilton album since she was dating Nick Carter (which was like 2 engagements and 5 boyfriends ago), I was kinda hoping it was die--like her acting career after 'House of Wax'.

Or maybe it will be like a 45 minute-long all Paris version of "But Can They Sing?." The show itself might not be worth sitting down to listen to, but check out The Soup on Fridays for the highlights---and if nothing else, check out Bai Ling's performances. I have no idea who this girl is or what she does, but all the racket she's making makes me think she's an Asian Paris Hilton minus the money. What does she do, people?

Bill Gates Killed Santa Claus

I'll admit it. I drove about an hour and a half round trip last night trying to find an Xbox 360. Chef wanted nothing else for Christmas and we'd both contributed appropriate funds in preparation for this day. However, it really took only one phone call to realize we were screwed.

Chef called the Wal-Mart, which he had called on several prior occasions to check on Xbox 360 procedures. They assured it was first come, first served, but that we'd "better get here quick." So we hopped in the car and headed out there only to find that they had given out numbers a mere minutes before we arrived. All gone.

Frantic in our search, we started calling all Wal-Marts, Circuit Citys and Best Buys we could. Even in surrounding towns they were sold out before the Xbox 360 went on sale. Our only hope at that point was a Wal-Mart in a small town 45 minutes away. They said they'd put out chairs corresponding to the amount of stock they had and there were three empty seats. Half-way there, I had Chef call again: two empty seats left. Of course, we get there, they're full and I feel crappy because I didn't have any other Christmas ideas for him.

Come to find out that Microsoft is being a bitch. Stores presold more consoles than Microsoft shipped. That's there fault. But is it?

Despite all the claims, we all know that Microsoft is doing this on purpose. They overpublicized the product (hello...been to msn lately?) they knew they weren't going to have enough of. Why would they do that? Because lines and people camping out for your product looks good, especially since the last time your company got hyped it was for a monopoly trial or for Windows XP that was a big disappointment.

Besides, the good publicity does more than help immediate sales. Even Microsoft admits that the last Xbox had a great launch and then sales dwindled more over time than expected. So to solve that this time around they've created the sarcity scare. Consumer will line up this time and if they miss out, they'll pre-order the next time...and the time after that....and the time after that. Not only is the Xbox 360 the hottest thing to get, it's the hardest thing to get. Scarcity and status in one fowl swoop.

Okay, don't believe me. Xbox has sold about 32 million Xboxes since its launch in about 2000. So Xbox consoles sell at about 6 million consoles per year. Say only a third of that is US sales: that's about 2 million consoles. One would guess that more than one million of those consoles are sold at Christmas time. And that's without much hype.

So, why did the US only get an estimated 400,000-700,000 consoles for the NEW Xbox 360 this Christmas season. Poor planning? I don't think so.

So, screw you, Bill Gates, I'm going home...and without an Xbox 360. So suck it.

I hate you FOX!

But mostly I just hate the American audience. They have cancelled Arrested Development and it's all your fault. Actually, they haven't even done the right thing and officially cancelled it. Just not ordered the "back end" 9 episodes that would make up the second half of the season. That's like not breaking up with a girl, but also not sleeping with her so that when you do break it off you can assuage your guilt.

I'm not saying that all of America had to watch 'Arrested Development'. That would be unreasonable. However, here is a list of un-funny, unoriginal or just plain crappy shows that America has watched enough to keep on the air:

• According to Jim
• My Wife and Kids
• That 70s Show
• America's Funniest Home Videos
• Dancing with the Stars
• Freddie
• Hope & Faith
• Rodney
• George Lopez
• Hot Properties
• Crossing Jordan
• Medium
• The West Wing
• E-ring
• Criminal Minds
• Ghost Whisperer
• King of Queens
• NCIS
• Still Standing
• Yes, Dear
• Two and a half men
• Malcolm in the Middle
• Bones

And that's just with the four major networks. That doesn't include WB or UPN. So why can these shows survive only to have good, Emmy-winning shows taken off the air? From now on, I will only watch Fox for Family Guy and the last of Arrested Development. Until 24 comes back on and then it's only Family Guy and 24. But that's it.

On another note, I went to Comcast today to pick up some needed lengths of Coax cable. The customer service rep on the phone said they would provide some free of charge. So I went down there and didn't have a line and was told that I could only receive one of the 6 lengths that I needed for free and that the other lengths would cost 20 cents per foot. Not bad so I decided, FINE, I'll go ahead and pay the $3.60 for the rest. She told me I had to order it and then she said she'd see if they had it in the back. Excuse, aren't you a CABLE company? Would it be too much to ask that you have cable?

She brought it out and I handed her my credit card. She gave me a blank look as I stood at the window next to a giant sign announcing that they took Visa and Mastercard. "we only take cash for cable, " she said.

"Fine," I said. "I'll go find and ATM and be right back."

Twenty minutes later and out a $2 ATM fee, I returned with cash to find a very full lobby and had to wait 10 minutes in line to get up to a different customer service rep. I told the rep that the other lady had the cable and she said "Well, she put it back because she didn't think you were really coming back." So the new lady went and got me my cable and with cash in hand, she looked at me and said "Don't worry about it. We usually just give it to customers for free."

Our Meeting Needed Tampax and a Bottle of Vodka

I had a meeting today with a group of women. I'm much like many women in that I become prejudice against women when I'm dealing with a grouping over four at a time and that don't include my friends.

The first part of the meeting was spent telling our organization what was wrong with it and the second part was spent telling each other who they knew. None of this was exceptionally helpful and none of this was listed as an action item on the agenda. In fact, the meeting was held over a lunch period and didn't get over until nearly 45 minutes after the intended ending period. Besides I was really cranky at the end because I was presenting and therefore didn't get to enjoy my box lunch until after everyone else left.

Why do we have meetings and why as children do we have these grandiose image of meetings being helpful, constructive, almost biblical events? The only thing biblical about this meeting was that I wanted to stone any woman on her period.

Has anyone seen the NBA dress code? Players are bitching because they have to wear a suit or business casual attire when doing league business. Am I the only one that doesn't have a problem with this? Come on, professional athletes. You make enough to afford some nice shit, and introducing the business casual attire will let you show off a whole new level of bling.

Again, this goes back to my "professional athletes do shit that wouldn't fly in the real world" rant. Can someone tell me a profession that doesn't have some sort of dress code? Even strippers have to abide by the county ordinances as to how much they can take off. Can't an NBA player take the headphones off for a second, strap on a pair of Kenneth Coles, take off their sunglasses and act like they care?

We're Not That Stupid

Nicole Richie was on the Today show this morning looking like an Ethiopian child in need of 25 cents per day. All she was missing were the flies around her eyes and a Coca-Cola sweatshirt.

However, the purpose of her visit was to bring attention to her new book "The Truth About Diamonds." Am I missing the great lie about diamonds that the title alludes to? One of the characters in this book is Chloe, a daughter of a famous musician. The other character in the book is Sophie or Sophia or something like that, a rich heiress who also starred with Chloe on a reality TV show. Next time just name her "Moscow" or "London" because we aren't that stupid.

Richie insisted to Katie Couric that the character was NOT Paris Hilton but a composite character of several people she knows...that starred with her on a reality show. Again, we're not that stupid. However, I applaud Richie for out-Parising Paris by using Hilton to sell her book. Nice move.

What I don't applaud is the stupid-ass editor that gave this book a greenlight. At least get a ghost-writer for the poor girl. Insist if you have to because no one is fooled into thinking Richie can string 100-pages of coherent sentences together. Even the crappy-ass Nanny Diaries took two people to write it.

The 'Today' show web site had an excerpt from the first chapter. My favorite gem is as follows:

"Chloe had been going to the hottest clubs in Hollywood since she was this many, wearing L.A. Gear sneakers everywhere she went."

I'm guessing "this many" is the amount of fingers that a child would hold up to say his or her age. Interactive literature. True genius.

Squatters

I was in Cracker Barrel on Monday for a rare appearance at the breakfast table and was met with a little religion. I always like to get my religion with a side of sourdough toast and some penny candy anyway, so this was a delightful treat.

I was in the bathroom when I found a religious comic strip. Perhaps you've picked one up when someone has forced it in your face at the airport or other venue with large groups of people. I was familiar because this things were left all over a store that I was working at in college. Perhaps someone sensed my need to be saved or got confused when he or she smelled the abundance of incense.

Anyway, this company called Chick publications prints this things out and has people hand them out nationally to help spread the love and warmth of all fanatics. I say fanatics because I've lived in the South for long enough to know a lot of people who are Christian--even a lot of people that are really Christian, but none of them has expressed to me the sentiments laid out in this comic.

The book was called "Squatters" and I thought with the illustration and title that were on the front it would be about people in the Middle East. Little did I know that people in their own backyard piss off Jack Chick even more. Although there are many favorites, I've shown my current favorite panel below:


Why is it that all the things that are hated are always given a female pronoun? Especially when it comes to the Catholic Church because females aren't in control or perhaps they wouldn't have had that little problem.



I'm not eligible to make this choice because I don't have a penis. Perhaps a man will make it for me.


There are more that just repeat the themes of women are evil and can't be trusted and the Roman Catholic Church is controlling everything but is being controlled itself by the devil. There's a panel with a devil, the pope and a marionette that's interesting.


So the next time you're in a Cracker Barrel and are looking for something a little edgier than Coca-Cola memorabilia or Yankee Candles, check out the bathroom. Lots of shit in there.

10 Frivolous Questions For All to Speculate On

Some thoughts that are completely vapid, yet still in need of answers and opinion:

1. Who is the person that is going to die on 'Lost'?
2. Is it just me or is it pretty tasteless to have Jerry Orbach on a 'Did They or Didn't They Have Plastic Surgery List'?
3. How much should a good haircut cost?
4. If you could play any game on Price is Right, what would you play? I'd play Plinko. I'm a game show whore for cash--screw prizes.
5. Do Shera and Swampette still love me? (That's just a blatantly pathetic attempt to get them to comment--I'm sure they won't comment as to not reward my behavior).
6. How many months can something be incredibly broke in an apartment and not fixed before you're allowed to go nuts on some ass? I think 5 weeks is sufficient.
7. Chef sent me an article about how hormonal women are more attractive, but that we hide it with make-up and that evens the playing field. So I'm wondering if I need the make-up to catch up or if I'm more hormonal and thereby more attractive without it. What percentage of women do you think are more hormonal?
8. Why is it that no matter cable, internet or cell phone company you have, it always sucks? How can every media provider suck that much?
9. Why do I have to read European newspapers to see what's going on in my country?
10. How did Ann Coulter get away with making a flippant remark like "Well, it just means that the Republican party is getting rid of a man named Scooter"? Do you stop being Republican when you're indicted?

Okay, I'm done with the questions. At least for today.

Another Manic Monday

I don't think manic is the right word for it.

manic (n): excessive or unreasonable enthusiasm

If I had enthusiasm at all, I would be happy; let alone if it was excessive or unreasonable. But today I'm just trying to make it without feeling like stapling my hand to the desk would be a fun way to get the rest of the day off. I am moody, bitchy and totally ready to take a vacation that involves a beach, some sun and no worries.

What is it about Fall that gets me every year? For some reason, I always have dramatic mood changes in the Fall. When I was younger it made me edgy and I started thinking about the cyclic nature of school years and suddenly I was spiraling into depression that only Christmas could resolve. I was about 7 at the time.

Now it's more like a process where I start bitching to everyone around me and spreading my complaining infection like the avian flu. It gathers speed and lots of attention, but never really culminates in much of anything.

The last couple of years I've wished my mom was around to send me a card like she was frequent to do when I was in college. A little cardboard reminder that someone cared enough to send me the very best and cared even more to write inside it. I hate when people send cards for no discernible reason (no holiday or anything) and then just sign their name. If you thought the card was special enough to send, then take the extra 3 minutes and jot down why you sent it.

Anyway, I'm in one of those "I just want to be held and told I'm great and everything's going to be okay" kind of moods.

Does anyone else hate the Fall?

Things I Can't Blame on Being Drunk

When I was younger, even just a couple of years ago, most of my poor judgment could be blamed on inebriation. My dating faux paus were blamed on things I said while drunk or people I met while drunk. However, lately I haven't been drinking and yet my poor decisions are still around. It's actually made me a little worried.

Case in point: About four times in the last week I have spent time with or heard things about people that I had met on a separate occasion. They seemed like cool, fun, funny people who I would get along with. However, upon a second glance I realized that I was so very wrong.

One repeatedly said a cliche at moments just opportune enough to let the punchline zing. However, in most cases it just fell flat and I had to do the patented fake laugh. Usually reserved for work functions, the fake laugh is my business best friend. In this case it kind of backfired because while fake laughing, my mind drifted to something that was actually funny and the combination of the two laughs mixed to produce a fake laugh of epic proportions. This only encouraged the comment to be made several more times and my judgment to be called into question.

The second person was not so much labeled fun to hang out with as a non-threat, meaning she would not repeat things said in her general direction to people they were said about. Luckily, I had not made the mistake of trying that one out, but rather learned the lesson vicariously through someone who had been burned. Yet again, though, my ability to make a call on a person was totally off.

Three people lied and I bought it. Although in my defense one of these used a massive amount of tears which just made me uncomfortable enough to believe the lie to get them away from me.

Am I getting less astute the older I get? Is my sharp wit dulling with age and fake laughs? Am I being naive? What's the fine line between healthy skepticism and negativity? How about niceness and gullibility?

I Survived It By Closing My Eyes and Pretending I was Some Place Else

I spent most of my weekend and the better part of this week working. And not just working a little, working until 9 or 10 p.m. We all know that I don't like working past 5 unless I have to. They pay for my time, not my life. That's all mine.

Anyway, done done done for now and I'm taking Friday off to celebrate. Or perhaps I'm just taking it off to lay on my ass and catch up on all the Tivo shows that I missed this week.

When does Hurricane season end? I know its soon and I've had friends and family suffer through them, but mostly I'm just tired of seeing weathermen getting blasted with high winds for our amusement. It's not all that important to see someone fall on their ass because of the wind. It doesn't do anything to make the news better.

It's like when local news stations have 'Live' shots at locations where an important meeting was held 6 hours before. What the hell do we care if you're standing in front of the building that was monumental a long time ago? Do the story in front of the Coliseum or Liberty Bell and that logic still holds true.

Anyway, at this point the weathermen and women are just pawns in Mother Nature's and the public's sick little sadistic tryst. At least the networks are getting full use of all those "CNN" ponchos they ordered.

Speaking of weather, I think that Nor'easter has become my second favorite non-possessive word with an apostrophe. I'm not including all those people who WRONGLY do things like put apostrophes on words to separate the acronym from the "s" to pluralize it. Such as when people write that they have "DVD's for Sale." That's just wrong.

My favorite word with an apostrophe: Lil'. And I get to see it everyday on my way home when I pass a school that had a sign donated to it in memory of "Lil' Bobby Joslin." Time to go see Bobby's sign.

D-Day is approaching

The big event is happening this weekend and no, it's not a wedding. Actually, I think I would be more excited and less dreading in nature if it were a wedding. Even if it was a wedding where I had to wear a horrible bridesmaid ensemble that the bride insisted was versatile and gorgeous, and I just nodded along to make sure that I piss any one off. Usually I ended up wearing an ass-ugly dress or at least one bad accessory. The worst bridesmaids outfits I've been in have featured things like polk dots, scalloped necklines, clear plastic shoes and a train. Not all in the same outfit, but still bad on their own.

Anyway, I've got a big weekend of weird work activities and while some of them will be fun, they will all require me to not have any free time of my own, which I detest. However, this week has been full of some good times. Most notably, the season premiere of South Park. I admit that my expectations were probably too high, but I laughed and enjoyed nonetheless. In fact in celebration of South Park's return I've been singing Heat of the Moment as sung by Cartman all week.

Other than that, it's been work work work all week long with some occasional exhausted efforts to spend time with Chef. He's being great during all this. What's not being great is our shower, which 6 weeks and more than 20 calls into this process, has yet to be fixed.

How Many Years Does it Take to Get a Grown-Up's Chair?

Seriously, does anyone have an answer for this? How long do I have to work somewhere before I am entitled to have a chair that wasn't built for a midget or that comes all the way up my back?

Apparently four years is not enough.

We've had quite a few people leave here in the last couple of weeks and after the latest two left last week, I decided that enough was enough. We had spent good money on nice chairs for sales people that spent less than two hours in them every week. I am in the office 5 days a week and my chair was far more inferior.

Let's forget the fact that I'd worked here for over 4 years and asked for a new chair on several occasions. And we can forget that new chairs had been ordered 3 times for people who had worked here less than a month since the time I put in my first request. And out of those three people who received new chairs, only one is still here.

So, today when I pilfered the chair from the dearly departed's (gone, not dead) office, I got the third degree. Here are some comments I received:

1. What are you doing with that chair?
2. Is your chair broken?
3. If it's not broken, then why are you taking that chair?
4. Have you even asked to have a new chair ordered?
5. Oh, well, I'll just have to check with _______ and make sure that (appropriate pronoun for _____) doesn't want to order another one to replace the one you took.

That was just from one person. So if four is not the answer, what is? How long must my ass suffer with inferior cushioning before I can write it off as workman's comp?

Bring about Great Change in this Country

Today I was watching information about the President's approval ratings. Apparently he has dipped to his lowest levels in his presidency. So low that people have even responded to wanting a Democrat majority in the Senate.

We all knew that slow response and thousands of shots of people chanting for help outside of the Superdome were going to hit him hard. But did anyone expect that this little fact: Only 2 percent of all African-Americans approve of the job that the President is doing. It's the lowest number for any president in this demographic since the poll has been taken.

Even more disparaging is the fact that there is a great discrepancy in what people say about the reaction to Hurricane Katrina. According to the same poll, 2/3 of White Americans do not think that the response would've been different if more white families were affected. More than 60 percent of African-Americans feel the response would've been changed.

While this is interesting, it does more to shed light on the continuing battle for race relations in this country. We like to spend our time thinking we are enlightened and embrace the slogans of the Cross Color fashions: Love sees no color. Even I have to admit that I've been rather naive about it. Perhaps Kanye West was speaking for people who feel like they didn't have a voice.

On another note, President Bush is trying to better his image among African-Americans. Chef sent me this to show his broader appeal. Please note that there is sound (so don't open at work) and if you don't have a sense of humor, it might not be funny to you. Also note the President's flashing the "West Si-yed" symbol. Good times.

And lastly, the saga with the leak continues. Apparently the problem is happening (albeit on a smaller scale) to each of the apartments on the ground level of this building. I sincerely hope that they hire professional plumbers.

Better, yet busier day

I know my head from ass today because they thankfully parted ways sometime last night. For some reason the two were inseparable yesterday.

Isn't it funny that so many good things can happen in one day, yet the one you dwell on is the negative? Is that human nature or just a side effect from watching too much Curb Your Enthusiasm?

On a good note, a national newspaper listed one of my local events and used a local spokesperson. I've been getting mad props from the people on my committee that don't know what mad props means.

Hopefully this will settle down in the next two weeks.

Gin and Juice

I'm having one of those days when alcoholism seems like a fun alternative to going to work every day. Perhaps waking up in your own vomit near a dumpster 7 miles from your house with no car in sight would be a welcome change of pace from the constraints a normal life places on you. Things like deadlines, phone calls, yelling and oh, yes, a paycheck.

Or maybe I'm just exaggerating and should just grab a beer and curl up with the Gilmore Girls tonight and relieve my stress the old fashioned way. If only the batting cages were near here so that I could go take a swing at the objects of my loathing.

I really don't like the fall.

Gators, Pythons, Publicity Agents and Other Dangerous Animals

This is my biggest nightmare wrapped in the nightmare of another friend. Gators and crocodiles scare the bejeezus out of me for no real reason. I call this my irrational fear, because the likelihood of me encountering a gator in the middle of a completely land-locked state is highly unlikely.

However, my fear of being impaled by a deer's antler's while driving is substantially more reasonable for the mere fact that I actually live in an area prone to having lots of deer and that area also has forests near highways. All things in that equation add up to a trip to the body shop with deer skin implanted on your headlights. Mom always made me have deer horns on my car, but somehow they haven't made it onto Cam.

On another note, the weekend was marred by a crappy Saturday Night Live with an even crappier musical guest. I was making a comment on how it must suck for Ashlee Simpson to be the less attractive, talentless one in the family when Chef turned to me and said, "Yeah, how does it feel?"

Ahhhh, SNAP. And before you get your panties in a wad, he was KIDDING. We all love my brother, but we know he can't sing for shit.

Is anyone else tired of the "SPLIT!" that supposedly happened between Nick & Jessica? Everyone knows that the only thing the public wants to hear about in regards to couples are the following:

• Are they dating?
• Are they engaged yet?
• Did they actually make it to the alter?
• Is she pregnant?
• When are they breaking up?

When 'Newlyweds' hit the air, we already knew that three out of four of those were answered for us. So the nation watched and laughed while someone dumber than we viewed ourselves made these mistakes publicly. But of course, when I trip outside of the Olive Garden and get humiliated, no one hands me a dollar for the entertainment value. They got our money. They outsmarted us.

When they were cute and it was funny that she spent $1500 on one set of sheets, we all wondered when they were going to have kids. Now that we've realized the joke was on us (and if you saw the Variety Show or Christmas Special then you REALLY are the butt of the joke), America is pissed.

Pissed off people wish for bad things to happen and so we've moved on to "When are they breaking up?". It's natural and if Nick & Jessica were willing to play the game with their marriage on center court before this, then they should be prepared for the end results.

And the next time my ass gets glued to a toilet seat, I want everyone to pay me 50 cents before I tell the story. It's totally worth it.

I Threw Up A Little in My Mouth

In reference to Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes, Chef sent me an article this morning announcing the pregnancy of Katie. It referred to the millionaire-to-be as TomKitten. That was enough to start my day off the wrong way.

Then the maintenance saga continues. I called him this morning to finish up the job he started a couple of days ago. He left a gaping hole in my ceiling and come to find out that the leak wasn't taken care of at all. He said he'd be there at 10:00 a.m. and then never showed up. Not only that, when I called and left a message, he never returned it. I just want a ceiling without mold and leak, a toilet that doesn't run every 60 seconds and a sink that actually drains. Is that too much to ask for? HELL NO.

The only thing that made me smile was the Saturday Night Live sketch of Kanye West and Mike Myers meeting up back stage and "talking" about their stint together on the Katrina Marathon. It made me chuckle.

Dr. Cooter Cutter

Chef found me this little gem that I had to pass along. It's a urologist out of Austin, TX that specializes in vasectomies. I don't know if he's good, but I'd say he probably gets the job done.

"Dr. Richard (Dick) Chopp is well known in the Austin community for performing Vasectomies. He also enjoys treating patients with metabolic evolution of kidney stone disease, male endocrine urology disorders, prostate disease and Peyronie's disease. He has extensive laparoscopy surgery experience, is on the transplant team and performs Living Donor Nephrectomy."

That was a better find than his friend Dip's spotting of a realtor with the name Dick Balls.

Dick and fart jokes. That's where it's at.

We all know that cell phone drivers are the worst. I've tried at Chef's request to limit my cell phone usage dramatically while driving and its given me a lot of time to point out all of the other assholes that have that thing permanently glued to their ears.

Mythbusters even did a show(episode 33) about which was worse: driving drunk or while talking? It was actually about even, which is scary!

Now it's getting even worse. Instead of cell phones, let's give people a live animal to talk to. Honda just came out with a car that will accommodate such a request. I don't mind baby cat or dog talk at home, but if I see kissy faces while driving, I'll definitely become nauseated. Come one people. Is using a Pet Carrier that hard?

But I Love Smoking Monkeys

Apparently the chimp in China named Ai Ai (which is the same name as the main character on Super Monkey Ball, by the way) quit smoking after 16 years. While I'm sure the change was better for his health, I have to say that smoking monkeys make me chuckle. I guess him dying for my own amusement is selfish.

However, I don't love monkeys enough to spend 6 years of my life with them. Chef and I were watching PBS the other night and Nature was on. It was profiling the jungle and its inhabitants. One Italian researcher has been going into the jungle with the help of local tribesman every day to follow apes around and gain their trust. SIX YEARS!?!?! I really can't think of anything that fascinates me enough to isolate myself for six years to study it. Am I shallow or just normal?

On another note, let me run down this scenario for your and see what you think:

A person graduates college with an exceptional resume of community activities, work experience and a great GPA. He or she is highly recruited among others and is selected by a large organization to have a better-than-entry level position there.

However, on the first day of new staff orientation, he or she decides that they are worth more money and decide not to show up for work until they get more money. The company bargains with the candidate and they settle on something but instead of having the 4 weeks or so to learn the ropes, the candidate now has to come up with a give a huge presentation to the client in one week.

The candidate gives the presentation but the client bawks at its simplicity and ends up punching holes in it left and right. Most people would be fired, right? Not this candidate. The client leaves and instead of using it as a learning experience, the candidate blames his co-workers, the copy machine, Kinko's, and the client himself for his failure.

In what scenario would this person still have a job? I can think of at least one: the NFL. Adam ("Pacman") Jones , you suck. But I hope you keep playing for the Titans because it only helps the Colts.

My whole point is this: Why do things that seem completely unreasonable in real life seem altogether feasible and acceptable in professional sports?

Apparently Her Purpose Was Meth

Remember a couple months ago when the Fulton County Courthouse was shot up? The suspect fled and ended up taking a woman and her daughter hostage before she convinced him to turn himself in by reading him passages of A Purpose Driven Life.

It wasn't so much the moving words of Rick Warren that convinced the convinct to do well, but rather the meth she gave him. That's right. The woman used drugs not hugs. Did she tell the police this as they were handling the man? No. When did this come up?

Months later when it's time to sell her book. Suddenly she tells us the truth and we are to know that she was a meth addict. And also using meth with her child at home. Something that the new news reports haven't really bothered to mention.

They will, however, tell us of her own fight against drugs and how a car accident was caused when she heard a voice tell her (while on drugs, mind you) to "Let Go and Let God."

I'm becoming more and more cynical of people and their publicity schemes. To try and look good this woman said that she was reading a book that makes millions of dollars off of people's beliefs. When that didn't garner enough attention, she tells us the truth about the meth because, frankly, it's a sexier story and will help her get a piece of the pie.

Don't buy either book. Just get a Bible and some meth and play the at-home game.

Oh and it's Day 5 of showering in filth and last night the toilet starting running for no apparent reason every 60 seconds for a duration of 10 seconds. I almost couldn't sleep. I called Shelly the apartment manager today. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Yes, Shelly. This is Ashley. Have you received the part that was supposed to be ordered five days ago to repair the shower?

Shelly: Oh, I haven't asked the maintenance man about that.

M: Well, you need to and when you do, please let him know that now our toilet is running every 60 seconds for 10 seconds causing it to be hard to flush.

S: Okay, I'll let him know (snidely and trying to get me off the phone quickly).

M: Great. I'm looking forward to having him out there. (Equally sarcastically)

This is going to be a long year.

Stop with the crappy celebrity nicknames

Is anyone else tired of crappy celebrity couples having their names combined into one cutesy name?

Damn you Bennifer!! You started a trend that lasted longer than your relationship and it's horrible. And the fact that Ben Affleck married another Jen (although admittedly an upgrade: Jennifer 2.0) is a little gross to me. It's like dating someone with the same name as your brother. It's not their fault, but it's always going to be there in your mind.

Let's look at the latest list of crappy combinations:

• TomKat: First of all, her name is KATIE. It's not Kat. I'm sure she's never been called "Cat" in her life. I think Tom Cruise's people thought this one up, because it brought to mind a virile, promiscuous man. Yet another way for him to try and convince us he's straight.
• Brangelina: That breakfast cereal that surpassed Colon Blow and Super Colon Blow as most ass-wrenching.
• Dashmi: The kid in your high school that was from somewhere unspecified in the Middle East and always claimed that he was a prince of some sort to try to score chicks.

It's getting a little ridiculous.

Bathing in Someone Else's Filth

Three or four months ago as Chef and I were starting our cohabitational bliss, we noticed a drop coming from the ceiling in the bathroom. Above our showerhead was an area of ceiling that was moist and soggy to the touch. In fact, after touching it, it gave way to a drop drop drop. Every time the upstairs tenant took a shower, the dripping would begin.

We called maintenance and on several occasions had to answer the question: "Which leak is it again?" because we had a leak in the kitchen from the roof (keep in mind that we are on the bottom floor of a two-story complex).

On two separate occasions, the visit from a maintenance man went like this:

1. Maintenance came out and looked at the bathroom.
2. Maintenance man says "I need to order a part for that."
3. Maintenance man leaves and does not return.
4. Call apartment office and repeat process.

We hadn't noticed the leak for a month. Then again, there was not a person living above us taking a shower for the last month either. We had though asked our condescending bitch of an apartment manager if she would call maintenance to come and repair the moldy ceiling as the last time they were here they claimed to have completed the job. Of course, I was naive enough to believe this despite the fact that I saw no work being done.

So when the dripping was spotted this morning, I was pissed beyond belief. The rental office still had the nightly answering service on at 8:15 a.m., despite opening at 8. And so I left my name, number and problem with the night operator who classified it as an emergency and said that the office would get right to me.

They didn't get to me or even call, so I called back. It literally took 5 phone calls to get maintenance out there to say they have to order a part.

In the mean time, the water that's leaking through the ceiling was confirmed by the maintenance man to be my worst nightmare: the upstairs drain run-off. This is both bad news (uh, GROSS) and good news because now it's not only a county property upkeep violation, but the drain water makes it a health code violation in terms of our county sanitation laws.

Plus I'm getting a baptismal sprinkling of foul neighbor water every time I step in the shower. I love Chef and I wouldn't share his bath water, so I sure as hell don't want some strangers floating ass mater raining down on me.

And I want the apartment manager to pay, as well, for her shitty attitude. I'm thinking of saving my used bath water for the week and loading a supersoaker full of it to spray her with. Maybe I should wait until next week when it would be messier.

Smelly Office

I'm having a good day this morning. The press has been kind to us at an event last night (really a pre-event--one of those endless streams of cocktail parties that celebrate every aspect of the actual event: patrons, kick off, sneezing. That kind of thing). We were not quoted in an article on the impact of Katrina to non-profits, but our event got listed and gained extra publicity. All good things.

I was cranking right along this morning. Getting stuff done and checking stuff off my list. And then the door buzzer went off. Our office is not in, say, the high rent district. In fact, most of us would prefer not to be around here after about 7 p.m. While usually the most annoying thing we get is a lost out-of-towner trying to find their doctor, we also get some other things. The occasional stray animal. The homeless guy with his shopping cart of cans. The woman that walked up to me in the parking lot and asked me if she could have the knee-high leather boots I was wearing. Things like that.

Today, however, was a good one. A guy rang the buzzer and lowered his face to the intercom. In doing so, I was able to see his face. He couldn't see into my office, but it is very close to the front door and the when someone does that particular manuveur it usually catches my attention. It feels like someone is looking over my shoulder. I looked up and saw a very scruffy, obviously weathered man. He asked to use our restroom. We do not have a public restroom.

The girl at the front desk let him in. Apparently she is not aware that we actually got the front door buzzer/ intercom after a similar incident turned borderline violent. I guess it was more threatening than anything.

I was pissed because my office is not on the first one that would get attacked if there was a random shooting, but also right next to said bathroom. She pointed to it and he walked by peering into my office as he went in.

The other thing about my office being next to the bathroom is that I can usually hear everything. While I can't hear peeing, I can hear loud grunting, exceptionally loud plops, flushing and the sink. All of which I heard this time. The smell was so bad that it permeated the surrounding area before he even left. He also used the sink and our liquid soap to give himself a shower, as the sink was on a long time, his hair was wet when he left and there were about 100 used paper towels in the garbage.

Before you call me heartless, think of these two things:

1. How would you feel if your office smelled like poop and body odor because a homeless man came and took a whore's bath in the restroom that is about 5 feet from your desk?
2. There is a shelter literally two blocks from here that provides FREE OF CHARGE showers and cleansing materials to those in need.

So after he leaves, I'm pissed at the person who let him in. It was obvious that he was not coming here for business purposes. When one of the people who's office is two down from me complained about the smell, she started laughing incessantly until I told her that if she didn't stop, I would move her desk into the bathroom and see how she liked it.

The long of the short of it is: My office smells like feces and body odor. Still.

In God We Trust

Have you ever gotten an email and wondered why you were sent it? Like the penis enlargement spam when you're a girl? Like you would buy the stuff and sneak it into your significant other's food I Love Lucy style ?

Anyway, I got a rant on the fact that "In God We Trust" is being taken down from post office walls. In response to that, the bottom of the email read as follows:

"It has been reported that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore, I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a mess about having "In God We Trust"on our money and having God in the pledge of Allegiance.

Could it be that WE just need to take action and tell the 14% to "sit down and shut up"?"


I know one of the 86% that I want to tell to sit down and shut up. Considering Christianity is globally not the majority religion, under this same philosophy couldn't China or India invade the US and tell the population to stick their Crosses and Big Macs where the sun don't shine?

And what kind of action are they wanting to take? Will there be heavily armed militia? Will they come after minorities next? There will always be people that don't believe in the same things that they do so this could go on for a while.

Here are a few things that I believe and am willing to knock off people for:

1. I believe people who have stuffed animals in the back of their cars should be forced to work at Build-A-Bear until stuffing comes out of their asses.
2. I believe that people who stop on a busy street to let a car cross TWO lanes of traffic and risk their life because the second lane isn't stopped, should have to pay any incidental insurance costs.
3. I believe that if it takes you longer than 2 minutes to order at a fast food restaurant, you should automatically get cold food. Come one people. The menus don't change.
4. I believe that if someone ruins a taped TV show or sporting event or book for you, you are allowed to make them endure 3 hours of your most heinous guilty pleasure in retaliation.
5. I believe people who wait at the door or pace while someone is on the phone at their office should know they could be legally shot for doing so.

Little Baby Jesus

Over the last couple of days, I've gotten about 400 more visits to my blog than normal. I know I'm linked somewhere on aol, I just don't know where.

In an effort to find out what I was being linked for, I looked at blogpatrol to figure out what people were searching for. Let's just say that I was a little weirded out. While some of the searches were mundane ("beckon call and beck and call"), other capitalistic ("simply socks yarn company"), the majority of searches prove that porn truly does rule the net.

Apparently I talk about boobs, shaving, and mik bags too often. My second most searched terms included Jesus and other religious words that I rarely use. Again, porn and piousness all together in one happy home.

This weekend for the 4th time, my brother, sister-in-law and stepdad got together to walk in my mother's memory at the Komen Race for the Cure. It's been five years since she lost her fight with cancer. The first year the walk happened less than a month after mom died. It was too much. The second year I was lucky enough to have She-Ra and her family there to help me through. Now instead of feeling sad, I feel proud. I'm happy that my family still gets together to do something in her memory.

If you get a chance to go to a Race for the Cure or Relay for Life or Heart Walk or Memory Walk or any kind of walk or run for charity, do it. Do it for someone who's survived, someone who's died, someone you care about. You'll be surprised how much you might be touched.

The Apocalypse is Coming But at Least There's Free Coffee

Why is the apocalypse coming? Because IU Football is 3-0. In fact, as I like to tease my Tennessee friends, IU currently has a better record in the SEC than UT does.

Not only is IU Football 3-0, but so is Vanderbilt Football. Let me put this in perspective for you:

• Vanderbilt has not won three games in a row in 6 years
• Vanderbilt has not been 3-0 in 21 years (Reagan was president)
• Vanderbilt is leading the SEC and has not done that in 51 years (Eisenhower was president)

That's a long time to suck. It's just an odd football season. The weekend would've been perfect with the underdogs and the Colts winning, but the Titans won. The thing about that is the Exxon Tigermarkets around town have half-price coffee every Monday and FREE COFFEE every Monday after a Titans win. Mmmmm, Pumpkin Spice is even the flavor of the month.

On another note for those of you who hate football, Chef and I celebrated one year together last Friday. Actually, that should be another sign that the apocalypse coming. I'm in a long-term relationship and loving it. Anyway, he got me two of the most thoughtful, beautiful presents that I've ever received. It was a great anniversary...my first celebrated with any guy unless you count the tumultuous 3 month affair I had in 7th grade with Ben Hopkins. I think we celebrated like a week anniversary.

Program note: Arrested Development starts tonight, so be sure to watch it!

And Publicity for Her Perfume to Boot

Britney Spears had her baby yesterday. A boy that they reportedly named Preston something or other. After making a comment on wanting surgery to have the kid, Britney did just that and gave birth through Caesarean.

Why is this important? Because Caesareans can be planned out in advance. And let's say that you have a new fragrance that's hitting markets on Sept. 15th. And let's not forget the upcoming drop of the wretched 'Chaotic' DVD. UPN rushed to put it on for May sweeps and America rushed outside to enjoy the good spring weather.

If she's taking lessons from Madonna on marketing and publicity tie-ins, she's just trumped the material girl. I don't think Rocco or Lola were born in the midst of the Blonde Ambition Tour.

This could be merely coincidence. But I doubt it.

Albino Monkey-Loving Travel

I was watching Bravo the other day and this commercial came on. There were two nicely dressed men . One had a handsome young man as a boyfriend and the other had an older more stately gentleman as his boyfriend. They were playing that gameshow that's sweeping the nation "Book That Travel" and they were booking travel and accommodations to San Francisco.

I thought it was a Geico commercial. It wasn't. It was an ad for Orbitz's Special Gay Travel section. Which lead me to ask a lot of questions:

• Are gays the new women and children? Is this a new marketing niche for companies to try and swindle?
• Are there special needs in conjunction with gay travel?
• How did Bravo become the gay channel?

Really, how did Bravo become the gay channel? Yes, I realize it became a hit because of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. And yes, My Life on the D List does include a litany of "Best Gays," but do you think Bravo realized that by airing Good Will Hunting 12 times a week and having shows about fashion designers and male hair stylists , they would become the premiere channel for Orbitz's evil plot to dominate gay travel? Wouldn't style. or Oxygen work just as well or has Oprah put the kabbash on it?

How many sterotypes of gay people can we possibly play into?

1. All gay people want to go to San Francisco.
2. Moderately attractive gay men almost always have a younger promiscuous boyfriend.
3. Ugly, older gay men get the college professor-types that come out late in life.
4. Fashion, hair and celebrities are all that gay men care about.

Why hasn't anyone cared about this yet? Barbie said "Math is Hard" and Gloria Steinem was on her ass before the string had recoiled back into Barbie's body.

Damn you, Orbitz. And damn you too, Zellweger.

Not on The Market Any More

For those of you who still like to torment me about my desperate use of a certain celebrity to spark an interest in my fantasy life, you'll be happy to know that he's engaged. It's sad, but even in my fantasies, I can't commit adultery. Besides, I've got a real guy now that requires no conjuring or enchanted pouches to lure in.

Stop the Video Game before I Throw Up

When someone says to me, "You're becoming more like your mother each day" I normally am proud of this fact. She was a smart, funny and organized woman who had her faults. All in all though, I'd be lucky to end up like her.

However, never did I realize that that would include her tendency to have motion sickness. As a kid, I'd always laugh and wonder why mom didn't ride the rides with us at amusement parks. Then my brother, dad and I would join together to tease her about it.

This seemed funny until about a year ago. My friend Lisa and I were having a drink at Jonathan's and thought that the carnival in the mall parking lot looked like a good time. So, we headed over, coughed up some money and rode a couple of rides. The standard Tilt-a-Whirl, a Scrambler and the Ring of Fire. Never in my life have I been that motion sick. I was so sick that I went home and went to bed at 10 o'clock (which was unheard for me at that time).

Not really had another bout since then, but I also haven't been whipped around in anything that would cause me to be sick. But yesterday Chef bought an Xbox game called Super Monkey Ball Deluxe. It's like a more fun version of Sonic the Hedgehog, which I loved as a kid. When I was playing, I didn't really have much of a problem. When I was watching Chef, I ended up getting as sick. It felt like motion sickness.

I feel so old. I got motion sickness from a video game. Watch out 30s. I'm going to be a ball of fire.

The season has started already?

Has this new fall season snuck up on anyone else? I spent so much time begrudgingly finding alternative things to do and watch while the shows were on hiatus that I forgot that the season premieres will be happening in the next week or two.

New Gilmore Girls, Arrested Development and The Apprentice, hurray! I'm actually looking forward to it now that I remembered. However, I'm wondering what to Tivo since I'll still be watching The Amazing Race. Hell, on some nights I'll get two hours worth. Plus they're having a fantasy football-like game to accompany it.

I'm somewhat holing up this weekend. Although I did manage to get Chef to come shopping with me on Sunday. We're shopping for him, so it made it a little more worth his while. I'm trying not to get too excited otherwise, I'll push my luck and run him out of the mall screaming in an hour. And everyone knows that you just can't get through Shopryland in an hour. That's right. I'm taking him to the big Daddy of the malls. Again, I'm going for it all.

It's Not Me, It's Definitely You

I saw this on MSN and had to read it. I also had to add on my own reasons that someone at work could be annoying:

• You plop your ass down in someone else's office to "talk" and it lasts 30 minutes...even though who you're talking to has started typing or answering phone calls.
• You say the same thing every day to the same person and expect a different response. (ie. "You should get some lights in here." "I have lights. I just don't like to use the overhead lighting."
• You send the same five forwards every day.
• You go to the bathroom with nothing on your feet except pantyhose.
• You say "Hope we didn't scare you too much to come back tomorrow" to someone on their first day.
• You interrupt someone's conversation from three cubicles away to interject a question not relating to the original conversation.
• You have an obnoxiously loud phone voice.
• You refer to yourself or your position in third person.
• You questions with the preface "I know you're not the right person to ask, but..."
• You shovel work with the preface "I know you're really busy right now, but..."
• You reference a red stapler in a conversation and then attribute the quote to Dilbert.

Those are just mine. I know you have some to add, so add away.

On another note, tonight begins the 6 months of Football. I am ecstatic, but until your team plays all the hoopla feels like the dinner you had to sit through as a kid on Christmas Eve before you could open presents. Nice and everything, but not the real reason you came. And with that I say, Go Horse!!

Back in the Saddle

Damn, it sucks to have a job. Well, the money is nice, but being away from your job for 5 straight days and then coming back to it is not a lot of fun.

Despite a thumb amputation, the weekend was a blast. Although I'm sure the phrase "Girls' weekend" probably conjured up visions of pajama-clad pillow fights when the most sexuality we cared to muster was the constant use of the word "bitch." Mostly to describe Precious when she was mocking me for not having any kind of Donkey Konga skills. Swampette, on the other hand, was a General in the Rhythm Nation.

The only big bummer was me realizing that I wanted to buy some local, only available in THAT state wine on Sunday. Then remembering that alcohol isn't sold on Sunday. Of course, I didn't remember this until I was at a supermarket looking at the bottles of wine and wondering how much it would take to bribe a cashier. I totally didn't have enough cash for that.

I got back on Sunday but spent Monday and Tuesday mentally preparing for my triumphant return to work. By mentally preparing, I meant shopping. It took me weeks to get used to my new Kroger. I finally got it down and then BAM! I walked in on Monday morning to see that they were remodeling. I'm back at square one.

Anyway, I came back this morning without much kicking and screaming. Spent most of the day fielding calls about Katrina and its impact on our events. And of course, I've laughed my ass off. I got an email from the PRSA, a professional organization for Public Relations professionals. The email included in it the following line:

"Time and again, you have asked, 'How can I use my public relations skills most effectively to help in this terrible disaster??'"

Is PR really the first thing that New Orleans needs right now? A better, glossier image? Are there actually people that asked that?

I'm impressed. Our organization not only set up a fund to field staff donations for the relief efforts, but also is allowing us to donate by giving up to half of our days off. They will then convert them into money and add them to the fund. Not a bad deal.

Knittin', Bitchin' and Eatin'

Those are my plans for this weekend with the girls! I am so excited to be travelling North for a girls' weekend. We haven't all gotten together for about a year and I'm looking forward to it.

I can't wait for us to start knitting and bitching and eating everything that's yummy. Plus I haven't been in my home state for several months. Although paying over $3 a gallon in gas prices to get there won't carry quite the glee it should. Perhaps I can get some cheap Kentucky gas and then brag all weekend about how I found gas for $2.50.

I will miss Chef dearly but I'm sure we'll actually have time to miss each other while I'm gone this weekend. And he can play Halo without anyone making any snide comments or rude looks.

However excited I am about this weekend, I'm mostly excited because I will be off of work. I have yet to take a "true" vacation this summer and my sluggishness and lack of enthusiasm is definitely a result of too many hours looking at the same things. Five whole, glorious days of not having to put in X number of hours or "having" to take a call. It's my vacation. I don't HAVE to take anyone's call now.

I'm outta here.

Not ever as bad

The weather hit us last night at about 3:30 a.m. Chef slept through it like he was in a coma. I, on the other hand, kept waking up to hear the wind ripping through the tunnel-like area between the two apartment buildings in the complex. However, when all was said and done, the rain didn't flood us too bad, the winds didn't rip anything apart and we are still standing.

Schools were out here today in anticipation of the flooding. I would pray for snow and it would and we STILL wouldn't get out of school. The only time we ever really got out for anything funny would be extreme heat (even though our school had air conditioning, we still got the benefit of a day off for those that didn't) and the one weird time that our cafeteria lost power so they sent us home before lunch. I think the Southern schools need a longer, more temperate climate to accommodate the extra days they need to tack on to the end of school year to hit their required 180 days.

Buy Me a Ticket for a Hurricane

Ain't got time to take a fast rain. Lonely days are gone. I'm a goin' home. Our Office. It's closed in 2 hours.

(Imagine that to the tune of the 60s hit "The Letter" by the Boxtops)

What was once Katrina is supposed to hit us late tonight spawning smaller tornadoes and major flooding here. Because of this, our office is closing an hour early to let us go get milk, bread, eggs and some other essentials that cause mass hysteria at the grocery store.

I'm actually hoping my friend in New Orleans still has a condo to go to in the morning. The city is already built below sea level, so our office branch there is currently completely submerged under water. There are two offices along the coast line that are closed for a very long time.

And while I hope to survive the storms around here, I am glad for some extra time at home tomorrow. If the weather is too bad, we've been instructed to stay and work from home tomorrow. Even if electricity gets knocked out, Chef is off of work tomorrow too, so I'll have someone to keep me company.

The impending doom that's looming here is not helping me get my plans finished. I had a couple of things that I wanted to schedule before I leave on vacation this Friday, but today is obviously not the day for it. In fact, one of the items included shooting a commercial with a local meteorologist, but I have a feeling I'm not going to get a hold of her today.

Hope everyone has sense enough to get out of the rain!

Why can't I get a makeover?

I'll admit it. I can't resist a makeover show. Not EVERY makeover show, because that'd be enough to fill up about three Tivos, but if I catch the beginning of a makeover show, I have to watch until the end. It's like seeing the first 10 minutes of a movie that's on TV. Even though you own that movie and sitting less than 3 feet from your TV in DVD or VHS WITHOUT commercials, you still end up watching the movie on TV. Or at least I do. I'm just that lazy.

There are so many makeover shows that they're hard to avoid: Extreme Home Makeover, Extreme Makeover, Trading Spaces, Clean Sweep, I want a Famous Face, Pimp My Ride, Emeril's Kitchen Makeover, What Not To Wear, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, etc. Not to mention the "special" episodes of every talk show that make people over and the local networks that do smaller makeovers using local vendors.

Anyway, I get sucked in to makeover shows very easily. Show me an ugly duckling. Show me trashed house. Then show me $50,000 worth of dental work, cosmetic surgery and wardrobe help to make the Swan (but not that TV show, because I don't really dig on makeover shows that are beauty pageants).

I know these shows are just playing up to what aspirational advertising has been tapping into for year, but I'm hooked. I want the flat screen TV generously donated by Phillips or the new bathroom fixtures by Kohler.

I want to be madeover.

I don't care if they extremely makeover my house, tell me what not to wear or pimp my ride. Just pump some of that cash into my clearly inferior material items. I'll wear crappy clothes for weeks on end and you can videotape me "secretly." I'll put rusted out holes in Cam's floorboard and let kittens live in his trunk. I'll adopt 42 one-legged Cambodian orphans to live in my one-bedroom apartment. Let's make this makeover happen. Let's move that bus. Let's commence with the liposuction.

Or maybe I'll just stick to watching other people get their plasma TVs and settle with the fact that my TV is good enough. My smile is good enough. My home is good enough. My life is good enough.

It'd be nice to have a Plasma Flatscreen TV though.

You're in Charge!

Yesterday, we had computer training to help initiate us to the new human resources software. A fun little afternoon of listening to information about how the new online performance reviews will work. Glorious.

Of course, the title of the program (because we always have to have a title for training--our last one was called E1 is for EVERYONE!) was You're In Charge!

I giggled like an 8 year-old every time he said it. Partly because I'm immature and partly because I had just read an article about a urine powered battery. Something that would give off a urine charge?

It's a disposable battery that uses the ions in your body, or more specifically your Mello Yello, to transfer the energy. Perhaps I'll just stick to Duracell.

Hey wait, I know that guy

Peyton Manning was on the Bob & Tom Show this morning doing his charity auction thing for his foundation. I got to hear about 20 minutes of it and it made me giddy for the upcoming football season. Much like many people who have a love of the cream and crimson (both the school and the delightful Aver's pizza), I have limits to which I can get excited about the college football season.

Anyway, I went online to check out the auction and started surfing around. I looked at the program notes from a couple weeks back and saw a familiar name. Honestly, most of the names are familiar because they are either famous or comedians that I've heard on Bob & Tom many times. Nonetheless, I saw a name that wasn't famous OR an comedian. He was my teacher.

My old magazine writing class prof was a smart ass New York journalist taking it easy in our little college town. Actually, he lived in Indianapolis because the thought of having only 60,000 people around him made him nervous.

Anyway, Professor Salerno wrote a book about the sham of our self-help nation. I'll probably end up buying it and if it's anywhere near as good as fast food nation, I'll probably love it. The fact that Steve wrote a book with even a portion of it devoted to making fun of Dr. Phil is a good time.

Now if only I'd get off my ass and write a book....

More Things About Me in a Self-Indulgent List

Precious tagged my ass and now I'm obliged to write down 5 things that are weird about me. The trick will be to pick 5 that are quirky enough to be interesting and yet, not weird enough to make me look like the deranged person I truly am. Here goes:

id*I*o*syn*cra*sy- a structural or behavioral characteristic peculiar to an individual or group. Write down 5 of your own idiosyncrasies, then if you wish, tag 5 people.

1. My rolodex is in order by the person's occupation (print media, university, pharmaceuticals) and THEN by the last name because I always seem to forget one or the other.
2. I wear make-up, have painted nails and toe nails, have facials, and love accessories, but I won't wear earrings because they make me feel too girlie.
3. I still wish when the clock's time is a palindrome and I notice. My favorite is 11:11.
4. I still believe that if I don't hold my touchdown monkey when the Colts are on offense, they will turn the ball over in the red zone.
5. I hate it when stores purposely misspell words to highlight their alliteration. My least favorite offender: The Kountry Kitchen.

Okay, enough with the idiosyncrasies, here are just some weird ole facts about me:

1. I still take pride in the fact that my brother's colic as a baby made my mom return to smoking.
2. I won a teddy bear at our company's software training for answering the most questions correctly.
3. This is where Swampette's inner monologue starts screaming something about STILL being a teacher's wet dream.
4. I was once reprimanded for having too much Scooby Doo decor in my former cubicle. I had two items.
5. My closet is organized by item (shirt, skirt, pants, dress), then by length (of hem or sleeve), then by color. I am that anal when it comes to my closet.
6. Since the move more than 50 pairs of my shoes are sitting in a garbage bag at the top of my closet. I'm still trying to find a place for them.
7. Chef and I have only one picture of the two of us together and it was taken by a camera phone.
8. I have seen Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo.
9. I have made a list of items that are mine in case I'm ever fired and someone else has to clean out my office. I'm just that paranoid.
10. I keep a list of funny names of real people I've come across. One of my favorites is Wayne Chung.

Fool Me Once

Have you ever been in situation where the outcome was less than desirable? I was asked to hold a ceremony where there were several players involved and tried to please them all. That was my first mistake. When there are that much politics involved in making a decision, things get screwed up.

So now there's an occasion to repeat the ceremony with slightly different players involved. I have a feeling the outcome is going to be the same. I'm going to end up getting angry phone calls form a variety of different parties for things that weren't ever discussed.

Basically it translates to this: Work sucks.

Today it was announced that the soft drink industry is going to be cutting back on their stranglehold in schools. I'm reading the book Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser. One whole section of the book was dedicated to how marketing companies are now negotiating deals for schools to help soft drinks companies get more of their product in the schools.

In fact, one school system had a quota of how many cases of cola they had to sell. If they didn't sell that amount, they had to give the money back. So, do I think this sudden development of social conscience is for real? Hell, no.

Our New Arrival!

Yesterday at 6:47 p.m. we welcomed to our household a brand new Dell! We haven't decided on a name yet, although I'm sure that Chef will nix the idea of naming our beloved toy. I'm really excited to have a new home computer. Especially one that is very fast and came off the assembly line in this millennium.

This morning on the Today show they continued their series on various ways to save money. They were going over creative ways to cut costs at kid's birthday party. Of course, they had to interview a couple that spent WAY too much. This couple spent $3500 for their 7-year old's birthday. There were 32 kids invited. That's more than $100 per kid.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? When I was a kid, I wanted a skating rink party or a McDonald's birthday party more than anything. Do they even have McDonald's birthday parties any more? I can guarantee it didn't cost $100 a kid for some Happy Meals and McDonaldland Cookies, that's for damn sure.

That Donut Has More Calories Than My ASS

I've been counting my calories for about a month now. I've written down what I've eaten for the day and calculated the calories thanks to calorieking.com. I'm not vigilant about it, but I'm trying to cut my calories by about 500 calories each day and I don't count on weekends because if I did I would feel trapped and quit.

I also don't make a big deal about counting the calories because I'm a big girl and I don't want to be condescending or rude to others. What I eat has been and will always be, my damn business.

So this morning we had a breakfast for a girl in our office who is getting married next weekend. The spread included cantaloupe, grapes, bananas, donuts, coffee cake, crumb cake, chocolate chip cookies and cereal bars. I weighed my options and decided to have a banana and some cantaloupe. One of the ladies who works here then commented: "You know, a banana is the worst fruit you can have."

I got pissed immediately. A banana is a fruit and fruit, by nature, is something that is at least moderately good for you. What pissed me off even more was that she had her plate loaded down with three donuts and some crumb cake. I held back on pointing that out, because frankly, what she eats is none of my business. However, she later said "I can't eat fruit. The acids burn my mouth (which had been sore)."

The whole commenting on the food is such a woman-based thing. And not just girl-on-girl attacks, either. I've seen many guys that have commented on girls' eating habits and many girls who've latched on to a man's diet like it was a half-price pair of shoes. I've done it.

Unless there's a health reason to be concerned about someone's diet AND they ask me to, I'm determined not to comment on anyone else's eating habits. Unless that bitch is skinny.

Two Hours in Sam's is Like a Week There

I went Friday to Sam's Club to get a set of new tires for the Cam. Hoping that I would get a jump on the crowd, I got there at a little before 4 p.m. When I purchased my new tires, I found out that it would take 2 hours for them to be installed. Two hours of Sam's Club is a long time.

I walked up and down every aisle. At one point, a man who worked there asked me for help and I politely declined. He saw me later and asked me if I was lost. I explained that I was waiting on tires to be installed and he said "Are you SURE you aren't lost?". You ask a 5 year-old that. Not a 26 year old.

The highlight of the evening was sitting at the "Cafe" having a Diet Coke and having a 30-something guy hit on me at the urging of his mother. Luckily, my name was called over the loud speaker right when things were getting really awkward.

Despite my long-ass wait, I did get about $40 back because they took more than their 59-minute guarantee.

Needless to say that I when I saw myself as a grown-up, I never imagined that my Friday night would be spent being picked up at a Sam's Club.

No Jeans that hit the floor

There's a school system around here that has started enforcing its strict dress code. It's a PUBLIC school with what consistutes as a uniform. A uniform that I would've not had in high school.

This school system forbids:

• Any pant that touches the ground
• Collarless shirts
• Jeans have to be a solid color, no bleaching or fading
• No black tops with black pants
• Logos can't be more than 3/4" big
• Tops have to be tucked in, even when arms are raised
• No strips of any kind

Are you kidding me? How does this help facilitate learning? This is the third year for the code, but the first year that the school actually enforced it. 900 kids were sent to in school suspension on the first day of classes.

Hmmm, you know those test scores that you bitched about being so low? Well, they aren't going to get any higher unless the kids ARE IN CLASS.

I'm glad that all kinds of tackiness was allowed at my school. It let me wear the giant ripped jeans that I had, the hideous brown clogs that I fancied and what became my uniform through the first part of college: white v-neck t-shirt, plaid button-down and jeans. Oh, the good old dressed down, looking like shit days.

Dude, we're getting a Dell

It all started with a chair. We needed a desk chair for our office (which is supposed to be a dining area). The desktop was at home and the wireless access was just set up. It seemed like we were using it more and more and the tailgating canvas chair special wasn't cutting it. So, I started scouring the Sunday circulars (or as Lara calls them, "sale bills").

Office Depot had a leather chair on sale for half-price. An absolute steal. Of course, they also had desks on sale and since my particle-board piece of crap was heavy and not grand to use, I caved to Chef's request for a new desk.

So on Monday we set off to not one but TWO Office Depot locations. The first one didn't have the chair OR the desk. The second one seemingly had both but when we went to check out, the chair was not in stock. After nearly 30 minutes of arguing that I didn't want the thing shipped to my house and no, I was NOT paying handling charges, I walked out with a receipt for the chair, but no chair. The chair would come two days later to another Office Depot and I would have to pick it up.

Anyway, with the desk and soon-to-be chair in two, we were happy with how the office was shaping up. Then I got the call. Chef had run a virus scan that had inadvertently cleaned something that was vital to my operating system. At first we thought the information was gone and I had a hysterical "BUT I HAD FIVE YEARS OF WRITING ON THAT COMPUTER!!" moment. And before you ask, I only had half of it backed up but all of it was on hard copy.

In between the time it took for me to panic and recover and then go home, I had made up my mind. We were getting a new computer. So we did some more shopping and ended up getting a Dell. And yes, I know that my title was a throwback, but I like to take you back to happier times, like 1997. It reminds us what it was like to not live in such a populous area.

I gotta go pick up the chair.