Things that annoy me

1. People who send me a "funny forward" and then ask if I got it. "If you got it, why didn't you respond with an email telling them how funny you thought it was?"
2. People who get mad when someone told them you knew the answer and you don't.
3. Getting a parking ticket because a meeting goes 45 minutes over time.
4. Having someone else get credit for my work
5. Taking phone calls from people I had to pretend I liked when they worked here, but don't have to pretend that I like them any more.
6. That when the office is in a money crunch, water gets put into the soap dispensers to make them last longer.
7. That I haven't been able to knit a damn sock yet!
8. When I can't find the specific kind of composition book I use to journal in and have to go with something inferior.
9. Women who wear high heels to work, only to take them off by 9 a.m. and leave nasty foot funk smell around the office all day.
10. When people see that I am on the phone, yet still come in and plop themselves down in my office to wait on me.
11. People who insist on using the phrase "Alrighty."
12. Not getting a bonus for the third year in a row, despite increasing my workload and performance by 20 percent.
13. Hummers driving in the city
14. Summer TV schedules

I'm sure I have more.

Girls Are Bitches

I bought a book as a requirement for my "professional development" portion of my review. It's called A Woman's Guide to Successful Negotiating. I'm wondering how much this is actually going to help me. I'm also wondering how they got 242 pages out of the topic.

However, it appears that most of the book is dealing with the time-old question of "Why is a woman called a bitch and a man called aggressive?" debate. I still haven't truly figured that one out. I can only come up with that since birth men have a warm feeling towards women and feel abruptly shaken out of their euphoria when women act less than warm to them.

Anyone else got an idea? I can't tell you what the book says until after I read it.

I wonder Why?

Why do I do these things to myself? Why do I try and pretend that I care a lot about my career? Why do I try to pretend that PR is the place for me?

These are the kinds of questions that come up every time I try to do something for professional development. Today I tried to utilize my PRSA membership. My boss asked me on several occasions to join the local PRSA (public relations society of America) and to be involved. I joined in January. This is the first time I've attended an event.

Mostly I haven't attended because I can't figure out why I have to pay to be a member on the national level, local level and in a specific section (healthcare, non-profit, etc) and STILL have to pay $30 to attend any of the meetings. That's right. $30 per meeting. I wasn't sure it was worth it until today. Now I'm sure it's not worth it.

I went today to hear the president of the National PRSA talk about the state of PR. Despite not being completely sure if PR is for me, I still am a geek when it comes to media trends. Love to talk about the media and all the things that are happening within it. However, I really didn't learn much of anything. I was also pissed because the meeting was supposed to be an hour-long and ended up being an hour and 45 minutes long.

Another thing about PRSA meetings, is that you can't be an observer there. As soon as I walked through the door, I had so many hands extended my way that I thought I was in a bad sexual harassment training video. I sat next to a lady that acted like I was her best friend when we left and knowing that I will never probably see her again.

It's just so hard to be faced with a room full of people that are either really enthusiastic about their jobs or care enough to fake a level of enthusiasm that I save for Tivo.

So, from now on, my professional development will be limited to books and online courses. That way I can learn about how to successfully interact with people without having to actually interact with people.

AIDS! AIDS! AIDS!

Damn you, Team America! Chef and I finally watched it over the weekend and all I can say is "Fuck yeah!". That and I have the theme song from "Lease" stuck in my head. My friend here at work has the soundtrack and has dutifully promised to make me a copy.

I finally cleaned out the apartment. The last remnants of cleaning supplies and trash were taken out yesterday. I only had a $50 deposit, so I only did about $50 worth of cleaning. I know I won't be seeing any of that money again, so I didn't feel too bad about the three-quarters ass job I did on the place. Saying goodbye to the first place I've ever lived at by myself. It would've been sad if I had actually spent the night there in the last four months.

I would like to thank Swampette for inspiring me to try knitting socks again with her encouraging words of wisdom. I'll let you know if I actually complete them correctly.

On another note, I had a nice big scare this morning when I saw what looked like an ingrown hair on my arm. The spot had hurt when touched all day yesterday and this little thing popped up on the site. I wasn't really concerned with it until a coworker told me he thought it might be a brown recluse spider bite.

What better way to start a Monday than to imagine your arm being encompassed by a growing spot of dying tissue and open wounds? So, I spent much time scouring the internet for pictures of bites and nearly got nauseous. Of course, then I looked on the list and nausea was one of the symptoms and was further convinced that I had a brown recluse spider bite.

However, it's been over 48 hours (nearly 72 now) since the first twinge of pain. By this time, my flesh would be ripped open and I would know. At least that's what Dr. WebMd tells me.

Wish me luck that I don't lose an arm!

39 Things you might not have known about me...but you might have

1. I was once on an Academic Olympics team that was purely for African American History.
2. I came in second in the city for it.
3. I didn't really like "Catcher in the Rye."
4. My hot pink books outnumber my "serious" books about 2 to 1.
5. I've never seen "Casablanca," "Citizen Kane," or "It's a Wonderful Life."
6. I once won a poster contest that dealt with discouraging drunk driving.
7. My slogan was "If you drink STOP and think."
8. I think I only won because I included the number for the local taxi service on it.
9. I never regularly ate ice ream more than once a month before I met Chef.
10. I also never regularly ate vegetable more than once a month before I met Chef.
11. My boss thinks I'm a gossip.
12. I don't really gossip. People just tell me things that I don't really want to know.
13. Before Chef, I always gave nicknames to the guys that I liked (By the way, I don't call Chef "Chef" anywhere else.)
14. My favorites were "Sweaty Sweaterson," "Scottie the Hottie," and "Brain Injury Guy."
15. My Magic 8 Ball told me what was going to happen between Chef and me before our first date.
16. Because she introduced me to Diet A & W Cream Soda, I think Alice Boyer is a genius.
17. Oreo Crisps don't taste nearly as good as regular Oreos, but you get a lot of them for 100 calories.
18. I've finished 5 volumes of Journals since I was 16.
19. It's most I've ever written on one topic, but I feel self-centered because the topic was me.
20. Despite my current cohabitational bliss, I will always miss my girlie times living with Shera, Swampette and (honorarily) Precious.
21. I was suckered into taking ice skating for college credit.
22. I never learned to skate backwards.
23. I did have a hand in developing the breakthrough ice dance "Lifecycle of a Dragonfly: From Pupa to Puberty."
24. I have an irrational fear of alligators and crocodiles.
25. I also have a fear of dying by being impaled, specifically impaled by deer antlers through a car windshield.
26. I still hate sorority girls.
27. Every time I dream about my mom, I wake up crying.
28. I never woke up crying until 5 years ago.
29. I never thought I would live in Tennessee.
30. If I were to live in Indiana again, I could only live in Bloomington or parts of Indianapolis, but I still consider myself a Hoosier.
31. I received the "Grow a Boyfriend" novelty and "Worst Case Scenario: Dating and Love" book at least two times each from age 21 to age 25.
32. I still curl up with Karl Kaleb on mornings that Chef has to work early.
33. I'm actually pretty good at Tiger Woods Golf.
34. I actually bought a professional development book of my own free will.
35. When I was a kid, I wanted to name a daughter "Hilary" after a character on the soap opera "Loving."
36. At one point in my life, I was up to date on five different soap operas.
37. I wish I could write an episode of "Gilmore Girls."
38. Sometimes I google people I've hated to see what their doing now.
39. I like self-indulgent lists.

An Unexamined life

Why do we feel the need to have continual progress reports throughout our entire lives? Report cards, tests, health exams. Didn't someone say that ignorance is bliss? And once you get out of school you still get the dreaded yearly review.

Today was my review day. We actually have two reviews: on at mid-year and one at year-end. The constant need for self-assessment. It's less my need and definitely not my boss' need. I'm sure he would prefer a phone call to us rather than having to travel to five different cities in four states to tell us whether we were doing well or not.

The process isn't all that painful. Those who are sucking usually bail out before June when the shit hits the fan. It's just the actual process of having to sit down and go over stuff and then talk about the goals for next year. Everything seems so much worse when you lay it out a year at a time. That's why alcoholics break it down more.

One day at a time.

It works if you work it.

Perhaps the developers of AA should write a book related to the business world. Of course, sticking true to their philosophies, when AA gained notoriety in the 60s, the duo that developed it never gave interviews. They were members and didn't want to give up their anonymity. Now that's devotion.

You so ugly...

I got "Kinsey" in the mail today thanks to Blockbuster.com. I've been wanting to see it for several reasons.

1. It has Laura Linney in it.
2. The story line is pretty interesting.
3. It's hard for me to fathom that sexual research got its start in Indiana.

I wanted to see the movie in theaters, but like most movies, I talk myself out of paying the $8.50 and just wait for the DVD. Anymore, I have better popcorn at home and my cokes are free.

Anyway, I was reading up on the movie a while back and the movie web site said something interesting. The movie was filmed at Rutgers (although it takes place at Indiana University) because of the proximity to amenities and availability of casting.

In movie terms it means: Hoosiers are too ugly.

Well, I beg to differ. I've been to a lot of states and I would have to say that as a whole, Wisconsin is a much uglier state than Indiana. Generally it's not the people that moved to Wisconsin (most of these people moved there because they were forced to by job circumstances). As a whole, native Wisconsians are not all that attractive. I know Lara will back me up on this.

What state is the most unattractive?

I Demand a Recall

There is nothing more heartbreaking and nerve racking than getting the panicked phone call from someone wanting to know if their (or their spouse, family member, etc) medical device works properly.

Guidant, a company out of Indianapolis, has had to recall two types of devices in the last two weeks: implantable defibrillators and pacemakers. Both kinds of devices that could seriously fuck you up if they malfunction. And that's what's happened. They had about 70 people die and are recalling them.

It sucks, but it sucks more to tell the person that we don't have a list of the medical devices that haven't killed people. We also don't have devices that we recommend because we don't recommend ANY medical devices, as a rule.

"What the hell do you do, anyway?" is the standard reply and one that I got again this afternoon. Technically I promote the agenda and events of this organization and have nothing to do with medical device recall at all, was what I wanted to say. Of course, I knew that if it had been my grandma, I'd be scared and pissed to.

Luckily, this guy calmed down enough to listen to me explain that the FDA issues any recalls and the FDA web site would have the information on the recalled devices as well as the model his wife had in her.

It's amazing what's on the FDA web site. Everyday they issue about 10-20 recalls and consumer warnings and we MIGHT hear one a month. Seriously, looking down at it, it reminds you what a litigious country we live in.

By the way, if you get bored by crappy TV this summer, Arrested Development is replaying its second season on Friday nights. And if you're really bored like me, check out The Amazing Race on the Game Show Network every night. I am TOTALLY addicted to The Amazing Race.

Training Squirrels to kiss my ass

I've spent yet another day at the Golf course. Not playing, of course, but working our golf tournament. The first one had the afternoon round rain out, so we had to go at it again. Thankfully, we only had to report for duty from 10-1 today. Of course, three hours in this heat is still enough time to sweat through your clothes and feel gross, but at least it was three hours away from the office.

Having the majority of the office in one place at one time is always a great way for me to realize that I don't really like any of my co-workers. We've got so many new people right now. I found out that I was calling the new guy Blaine, but his actual name is Blake. My response to this when it was pointed out to me: "At this point, he should feel flattered that I knew he worked here."

I was reading the newspaper this afternoon (it is my job to scan and look for any articles that might have a mention of us) and I found an article on chocolate making. It was tied in to the release of the new "Willy Wonka" movie and had a nice little box of bulletted tidbits related to the making of the movie. How many real chocolate bars were used, how many fake ones were made, and there was this one:

• 40 squirrels were trained over 19 weeks to sit on stools, open nut shells and drop the nuts onto a conveyor belt.

WHAT? They trained SQUIRRELS?!?! Isn't the whole invention of CGI based around the thought of not having to do asinine things for movies and let computers do them instead? I'm beginning to think that the squirrel factoid was added in by some one pranking us. There's someone related to the Willy Wonka movie that's scanning newspapers throughout the U.S. to see if there was a newspaper dumb enough to fall for the training squirrels fact. There was. It was the Tennessean.

Of course, then I googled 'Training Squirrels' and the first hits were all about Tim Burton and his million-dollar squirrels. That's a good practical joke.

Good writing wins out

The Emmy nominations came out today. I like TV, but I'm not big on awards shows. The Oscars don't do shit for me and I can't stand to watch people talk about fashion. I can stand to read about the fashions after the event, but watching for 4 hours just to see what Catherine Zeta-Jones is wearing is a bit much.

Nonetheless the Emmy nominations came out today and apparently 'Everybody Loves Raymond.' Well, everyone but me.

It's not that I hate the show, but I just don't think it's funny at all. How that show has lasted for nine years shows me the state of TV today.

Here's a little tidbit of interest about the Emmy nominations: 'Everybody Loves Raymond' was nominated for best writing for ONE episode of last season. There are 10 credited writers on that show. It took TEN people to crank out mother-in-law and dumb husband jokes.

'Arrested Development,' by the way, was nominated for THREE episodes in the same category. There are no more than 2 writers on each episode.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince comes out in less than 2 days (or less than 32 hours if you're going to buy it at midnight). I have to say that I'm excited to see it. Mostly I'm for any book that gets a kid reading. I'm sure that porn would do the same thing, but I think parents would find it only slightly more objectionable than the "heathen Satanism" that's in the Potter books.

Speaking of porn, the new Hustler Store opened here a couple weeks ago, but it's grand opening is tomorrow. Larry Flynt and Ron Jeremy are going to be in town to help launch the thing. The new store has a cafe in it and if the coffee's cheaper than Starbucks, I might have to frequent it. The Hustler store is about three blocks from our office and I'm willing to patronize any establishment that offers me the cheap caffeine high and the pleasure of wondering why one would want a grape-flavored butt plug. The mysteries of the world abound.

I'm so close to hitting 1,000 on my blogpatrol counter. If you happen to the lucky 1,000th person, let me know. I'd like to see who it is.

But I love Bejewelled

MSN today had a survey of how workers slack off on average two hours, other than their lunch hour, every day. That's a pretty good chunk of time. I'd have to say that today, I know I topped that.

I have emailed, surfed, played and for some reason, I still have time on my hands. Apparently, I'm ass-poor at planning my workload. This is probably to remind me how busy I'll be in the fall and how I will be lamenting the days when I didn't have 16 hours of work to cram into 10 hours.

Anyway, this survey was kind of funny because it found that people from Missouri slack off the most. Of course, the Chambers of Commerce and other business associations in Missouri got all defensive about it. C'mon people. It's a survey of about 10,000 people.

Well, I should probably get out of here and actually go the one place that I have a lot of work to do: the apartment. So much unpacking, so little time.

I remember when I didn't have a couch

I remember clearly in the not so distant past when all of my belongings fit neatly in a 1985 Cutlass Supreme. It's true that the Cutlass is not known for it's lack of space, but still it's a principle of the thing.

Apparently now my belongings need a 17' Uhaul truck. Where did I get all this stuff?

I lived in the same apartment for the 4 years that I've been here. People were constantly asking me why I didn't move to a more central or fashionable location. My reply was the same: "My furniture is heavy and I'm not moving it." People usually chuckled, not realizing how serious I was.

Chef and Chef's friend found out yesterday just how heavy it was. They also got a new appreciation for my stepdad who moved me in with only the help of me and another girl. After all was said and done, everything made it to the new place, but Chef definitively said: "I'm not moving that furniture again."

So, for a while when people ask us why we don't move, Chef and I will BOTH be able to answer: "Because our furniture is heavy."

The next time that stuff makes its way to truck, some very well compensated men will be taking it to its new destination. Moving sucks and for those of you who do it often, you must be out of your mind.

That's Why My Nipples are Disgruntled, too

Today, I'm sitting in the frozen tundra of my office. A humble 10 foot by 10 foot cell that's temperature is now reflecting the ice blue wallpaper. It's about 60 degrees in here. In July.

I know I'm not the only one that has waged the bitter thermostat battle. I usually wear layers into work to prevent any change in personal optimal temperature, but today was casual day. I made the mistake of opting for cute and weather appropriate clothes.

A study from Cornell says that the optimal temperature for maximum workplace productivity is 74 degrees. Cooler office places were about 10 percent less efficient. 74 degrees, people! That's a full SEASON warmer than it is here today and no amount of padding, band-aids or tape will prevent my boobs from showing their displeasure.

Drinksmixer.com will let you put in all the things that you have in your liquor cabinet and then spit out all the recipes for drinks that you can make with your combination. It's a good time and I'm now excited to try some new things. Chef already made me Spooge---it's Malibu, Kahlua and cream, people!

More embarrassing than that OTHER video he did

Has anyone else seen the R. Kelly "urban soap opera" 'Trapped in the Closet (Parts 1-5)'? VH1 showed all 5 in a row yesterday and me and Chef happened to catch them.

The story is so horrendously stereotypical with everyone cheating on everyone else that the so-called "twists" are pretty lame. Especially compared with even a slow-moving episode of '24.' Nonetheless, the real problem is the actual song itself.

Remember when you were a kid (or a 26 year old) and you used to sing every sentence? Well, that's what happens here except there's a lot of singing of "He said...." and "She said...." and "Rufus said....". BAD BAD BAD

If you get bored and need a laugh that doesn't involve urination, check it out.

I STILL Heart Carbs

FINALLY! Those psycho carb-fearing people are dying off. I think it's all the bacon fat that's clogging their arteries. Nonetheless, the craze is dying. Of course, with this now comes the questions:

• What happens to all that low-carb food?
• What about those people that invested their money in low-carb grocery stores?
• Will the advertising geniuses behind this now start marketing this to people who could actually use and like no sugar candy and whatnot (like, say, diabetics)?

I actually ran across an article today that says that people and companies are donating their low-card food to Christian charities in the Appalachia. So far the charities have received 14 truckloads or more than 18,000 CASES of Atkins crap.

Why do people buy into a craze? Especially one that says that eating fruits is bad and lots of beef is good. Does that make any kind of sense? It always makes me think of Meredith and her "I can have breadsticks as long as they have cheese on them because cheese negates the bread" logic.

I love carbs. I will always love carbs. I think I need a breadstick.

The Whore of War

Apparently every holiday is now a time to show movies about war on cable. The war in the Middle East is an excuse for cable companies and movie distributors to wheel out their 'patriotic, the underdog always wins, a lesson is learned' movie.

Nonetheless I was taken in by this hook, at least to some extent (of course Tivo viewing make TV movies bearable). I began to notice a trend. The same actors seem to pop up again and again in war movies. Barry Pepper, that annoying kid from Remember the Titans and of course, the Whore of War, Mel Gibson.

I honestly can only think of a couple Mel Gibson movies that don't deal with some war, be it in the U.S., for the U.S. or just plain good old fashioned conflict. The crappy ass Air America was centered around a war. Even What Women Want deals with the battle of the sexes (okay, that one was a stretch).

War war war. Even fictitious wars get some airplay. Of course, Independence Day did have the title working for it. I usually only watch because it makes me remember the first time I saw that movie with Swampette. She got startled at one point and coke and popcorn rained down on me.

I hope every one had a happy war weekend.

It's the weekend, bitch

Yeah! I've never been a big 4th of July geek. I don't usually get into fireworks unless they're big roman candles that I get to point in a phallic manner towards someone else and fire away. However, I'm always a big fan of the 3-day weekend.

I thought that I was a big slacker seeing as my morning activities got me to work about 30 minutes later than I wanted to. However, I pulled up and was the first one here that was a salaried employee. THEN, to make things better it's only 2 p.m. and I'm the last salaried employee here.

Sometimes non-profit work isn't that bad.