Friday, March 11, 2005

Titties get in the way

Damn it! Today has been a day when the chest has been of great hindrance. Most women out there can relate to a couple of these things:

  1. Your back, shoulders, under boob area hurts
  2. The underwire on your bra digs into your side or worse yet, the wire pokes out of your bra to scrape the crap out of your arm.

These are pretty common things that nearly every woman with a set of knockers understands. However, there are few things that only those with the truly large chests can relate to. Here are some common complaints:

  1. You lean over to talk on the phone while at work and your boobs accidentally start typing random letters. Not necessarily a bad thing until your boss wonders why he got an email with only "mn.m,n.m,n'm,'nm,'n,mnmvkvvb ckvlcjvl" written on it.
  2. You can't got to a restaurant and order soup, oily colored salad dressings, anything with buffalo sauce or ice cream in flavors other than vanilla. If even the tiniest bit strays from the eating utensil, you will end up wearing a jaunty colored reminder that your boobs are here. It's like a buffalo-sauce arrow pointing right at your tits.
  3. You break a bra. Not a stray underwire, but an underwire that actually buckles under the pressure of your boob and snaps in two. Or perhaps a different break, which until recently was foreign to me, where the plastic ring that holds your strap to your bra cup breaks and flies off like a rubber band.
  4. You spring across the street as to not hold up motorists and are honked at and cat-called for the inadvertent bouncing of the boobs.
  5. You must alter your bowling follow-through to kick up your foot as to balance out the boobs.
  6. That backbend (and other gymnastic endeavors) that you used to do as a child? Ain't gonna happen any more.
  7. You can't buy a bra that doesn't look like its technology was used for parachuting purposes in World War II.
  8. Halter tops, tube tops, strapless gowns and button-up shirts are all fashion trends you miss out on. And you miss them. Except for the tube tops. Those are just tacky no matter what.
  9. Strapless bras will only work for about a 3-4 hour time frame before the cups revolt and flip over toward your waist when you sit down.
  10. When you hold babies, they head for the nipple because something that big must be packing lunch.

Okay, so that's enough of the boob complaining for now. Despite their downsides, I'd rather have them than do without.

On another note relating to my Bumper Sticker rant, I was cut off and almost hit by (he cut me off then swerved to switch lanes, it was RIDICULOUS!) a man with a bumper sticker that read "Keep Your Eyes on God." He must want to see God soon or else he would've KEPT HIS EYES ON THE ROAD.

I'm just saying.

3 comments:

Precious Schultz said...

Looks like I won the bet ladies- pay up. It did take Ashley less than 3 months to devote an entire blog to her ladies.

swampette said...

I don't know who you're expecting to pay you, Schultzie. I would have never bet against Ashley's booby-love.

Shera, Princess of Power said...

Nine words.
R. E. D. U. C. T. I. O. N.

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