Squatters

I was in Cracker Barrel on Monday for a rare appearance at the breakfast table and was met with a little religion. I always like to get my religion with a side of sourdough toast and some penny candy anyway, so this was a delightful treat.

I was in the bathroom when I found a religious comic strip. Perhaps you've picked one up when someone has forced it in your face at the airport or other venue with large groups of people. I was familiar because this things were left all over a store that I was working at in college. Perhaps someone sensed my need to be saved or got confused when he or she smelled the abundance of incense.

Anyway, this company called Chick publications prints this things out and has people hand them out nationally to help spread the love and warmth of all fanatics. I say fanatics because I've lived in the South for long enough to know a lot of people who are Christian--even a lot of people that are really Christian, but none of them has expressed to me the sentiments laid out in this comic.

The book was called "Squatters" and I thought with the illustration and title that were on the front it would be about people in the Middle East. Little did I know that people in their own backyard piss off Jack Chick even more. Although there are many favorites, I've shown my current favorite panel below:


Why is it that all the things that are hated are always given a female pronoun? Especially when it comes to the Catholic Church because females aren't in control or perhaps they wouldn't have had that little problem.



I'm not eligible to make this choice because I don't have a penis. Perhaps a man will make it for me.


There are more that just repeat the themes of women are evil and can't be trusted and the Roman Catholic Church is controlling everything but is being controlled itself by the devil. There's a panel with a devil, the pope and a marionette that's interesting.


So the next time you're in a Cracker Barrel and are looking for something a little edgier than Coca-Cola memorabilia or Yankee Candles, check out the bathroom. Lots of shit in there.

10 Frivolous Questions For All to Speculate On

Some thoughts that are completely vapid, yet still in need of answers and opinion:

1. Who is the person that is going to die on 'Lost'?
2. Is it just me or is it pretty tasteless to have Jerry Orbach on a 'Did They or Didn't They Have Plastic Surgery List'?
3. How much should a good haircut cost?
4. If you could play any game on Price is Right, what would you play? I'd play Plinko. I'm a game show whore for cash--screw prizes.
5. Do Shera and Swampette still love me? (That's just a blatantly pathetic attempt to get them to comment--I'm sure they won't comment as to not reward my behavior).
6. How many months can something be incredibly broke in an apartment and not fixed before you're allowed to go nuts on some ass? I think 5 weeks is sufficient.
7. Chef sent me an article about how hormonal women are more attractive, but that we hide it with make-up and that evens the playing field. So I'm wondering if I need the make-up to catch up or if I'm more hormonal and thereby more attractive without it. What percentage of women do you think are more hormonal?
8. Why is it that no matter cable, internet or cell phone company you have, it always sucks? How can every media provider suck that much?
9. Why do I have to read European newspapers to see what's going on in my country?
10. How did Ann Coulter get away with making a flippant remark like "Well, it just means that the Republican party is getting rid of a man named Scooter"? Do you stop being Republican when you're indicted?

Okay, I'm done with the questions. At least for today.

Another Manic Monday

I don't think manic is the right word for it.

manic (n): excessive or unreasonable enthusiasm

If I had enthusiasm at all, I would be happy; let alone if it was excessive or unreasonable. But today I'm just trying to make it without feeling like stapling my hand to the desk would be a fun way to get the rest of the day off. I am moody, bitchy and totally ready to take a vacation that involves a beach, some sun and no worries.

What is it about Fall that gets me every year? For some reason, I always have dramatic mood changes in the Fall. When I was younger it made me edgy and I started thinking about the cyclic nature of school years and suddenly I was spiraling into depression that only Christmas could resolve. I was about 7 at the time.

Now it's more like a process where I start bitching to everyone around me and spreading my complaining infection like the avian flu. It gathers speed and lots of attention, but never really culminates in much of anything.

The last couple of years I've wished my mom was around to send me a card like she was frequent to do when I was in college. A little cardboard reminder that someone cared enough to send me the very best and cared even more to write inside it. I hate when people send cards for no discernible reason (no holiday or anything) and then just sign their name. If you thought the card was special enough to send, then take the extra 3 minutes and jot down why you sent it.

Anyway, I'm in one of those "I just want to be held and told I'm great and everything's going to be okay" kind of moods.

Does anyone else hate the Fall?

Things I Can't Blame on Being Drunk

When I was younger, even just a couple of years ago, most of my poor judgment could be blamed on inebriation. My dating faux paus were blamed on things I said while drunk or people I met while drunk. However, lately I haven't been drinking and yet my poor decisions are still around. It's actually made me a little worried.

Case in point: About four times in the last week I have spent time with or heard things about people that I had met on a separate occasion. They seemed like cool, fun, funny people who I would get along with. However, upon a second glance I realized that I was so very wrong.

One repeatedly said a cliche at moments just opportune enough to let the punchline zing. However, in most cases it just fell flat and I had to do the patented fake laugh. Usually reserved for work functions, the fake laugh is my business best friend. In this case it kind of backfired because while fake laughing, my mind drifted to something that was actually funny and the combination of the two laughs mixed to produce a fake laugh of epic proportions. This only encouraged the comment to be made several more times and my judgment to be called into question.

The second person was not so much labeled fun to hang out with as a non-threat, meaning she would not repeat things said in her general direction to people they were said about. Luckily, I had not made the mistake of trying that one out, but rather learned the lesson vicariously through someone who had been burned. Yet again, though, my ability to make a call on a person was totally off.

Three people lied and I bought it. Although in my defense one of these used a massive amount of tears which just made me uncomfortable enough to believe the lie to get them away from me.

Am I getting less astute the older I get? Is my sharp wit dulling with age and fake laughs? Am I being naive? What's the fine line between healthy skepticism and negativity? How about niceness and gullibility?

I Survived It By Closing My Eyes and Pretending I was Some Place Else

I spent most of my weekend and the better part of this week working. And not just working a little, working until 9 or 10 p.m. We all know that I don't like working past 5 unless I have to. They pay for my time, not my life. That's all mine.

Anyway, done done done for now and I'm taking Friday off to celebrate. Or perhaps I'm just taking it off to lay on my ass and catch up on all the Tivo shows that I missed this week.

When does Hurricane season end? I know its soon and I've had friends and family suffer through them, but mostly I'm just tired of seeing weathermen getting blasted with high winds for our amusement. It's not all that important to see someone fall on their ass because of the wind. It doesn't do anything to make the news better.

It's like when local news stations have 'Live' shots at locations where an important meeting was held 6 hours before. What the hell do we care if you're standing in front of the building that was monumental a long time ago? Do the story in front of the Coliseum or Liberty Bell and that logic still holds true.

Anyway, at this point the weathermen and women are just pawns in Mother Nature's and the public's sick little sadistic tryst. At least the networks are getting full use of all those "CNN" ponchos they ordered.

Speaking of weather, I think that Nor'easter has become my second favorite non-possessive word with an apostrophe. I'm not including all those people who WRONGLY do things like put apostrophes on words to separate the acronym from the "s" to pluralize it. Such as when people write that they have "DVD's for Sale." That's just wrong.

My favorite word with an apostrophe: Lil'. And I get to see it everyday on my way home when I pass a school that had a sign donated to it in memory of "Lil' Bobby Joslin." Time to go see Bobby's sign.

D-Day is approaching

The big event is happening this weekend and no, it's not a wedding. Actually, I think I would be more excited and less dreading in nature if it were a wedding. Even if it was a wedding where I had to wear a horrible bridesmaid ensemble that the bride insisted was versatile and gorgeous, and I just nodded along to make sure that I piss any one off. Usually I ended up wearing an ass-ugly dress or at least one bad accessory. The worst bridesmaids outfits I've been in have featured things like polk dots, scalloped necklines, clear plastic shoes and a train. Not all in the same outfit, but still bad on their own.

Anyway, I've got a big weekend of weird work activities and while some of them will be fun, they will all require me to not have any free time of my own, which I detest. However, this week has been full of some good times. Most notably, the season premiere of South Park. I admit that my expectations were probably too high, but I laughed and enjoyed nonetheless. In fact in celebration of South Park's return I've been singing Heat of the Moment as sung by Cartman all week.

Other than that, it's been work work work all week long with some occasional exhausted efforts to spend time with Chef. He's being great during all this. What's not being great is our shower, which 6 weeks and more than 20 calls into this process, has yet to be fixed.

How Many Years Does it Take to Get a Grown-Up's Chair?

Seriously, does anyone have an answer for this? How long do I have to work somewhere before I am entitled to have a chair that wasn't built for a midget or that comes all the way up my back?

Apparently four years is not enough.

We've had quite a few people leave here in the last couple of weeks and after the latest two left last week, I decided that enough was enough. We had spent good money on nice chairs for sales people that spent less than two hours in them every week. I am in the office 5 days a week and my chair was far more inferior.

Let's forget the fact that I'd worked here for over 4 years and asked for a new chair on several occasions. And we can forget that new chairs had been ordered 3 times for people who had worked here less than a month since the time I put in my first request. And out of those three people who received new chairs, only one is still here.

So, today when I pilfered the chair from the dearly departed's (gone, not dead) office, I got the third degree. Here are some comments I received:

1. What are you doing with that chair?
2. Is your chair broken?
3. If it's not broken, then why are you taking that chair?
4. Have you even asked to have a new chair ordered?
5. Oh, well, I'll just have to check with _______ and make sure that (appropriate pronoun for _____) doesn't want to order another one to replace the one you took.

That was just from one person. So if four is not the answer, what is? How long must my ass suffer with inferior cushioning before I can write it off as workman's comp?

Bring about Great Change in this Country

Today I was watching information about the President's approval ratings. Apparently he has dipped to his lowest levels in his presidency. So low that people have even responded to wanting a Democrat majority in the Senate.

We all knew that slow response and thousands of shots of people chanting for help outside of the Superdome were going to hit him hard. But did anyone expect that this little fact: Only 2 percent of all African-Americans approve of the job that the President is doing. It's the lowest number for any president in this demographic since the poll has been taken.

Even more disparaging is the fact that there is a great discrepancy in what people say about the reaction to Hurricane Katrina. According to the same poll, 2/3 of White Americans do not think that the response would've been different if more white families were affected. More than 60 percent of African-Americans feel the response would've been changed.

While this is interesting, it does more to shed light on the continuing battle for race relations in this country. We like to spend our time thinking we are enlightened and embrace the slogans of the Cross Color fashions: Love sees no color. Even I have to admit that I've been rather naive about it. Perhaps Kanye West was speaking for people who feel like they didn't have a voice.

On another note, President Bush is trying to better his image among African-Americans. Chef sent me this to show his broader appeal. Please note that there is sound (so don't open at work) and if you don't have a sense of humor, it might not be funny to you. Also note the President's flashing the "West Si-yed" symbol. Good times.

And lastly, the saga with the leak continues. Apparently the problem is happening (albeit on a smaller scale) to each of the apartments on the ground level of this building. I sincerely hope that they hire professional plumbers.

Better, yet busier day

I know my head from ass today because they thankfully parted ways sometime last night. For some reason the two were inseparable yesterday.

Isn't it funny that so many good things can happen in one day, yet the one you dwell on is the negative? Is that human nature or just a side effect from watching too much Curb Your Enthusiasm?

On a good note, a national newspaper listed one of my local events and used a local spokesperson. I've been getting mad props from the people on my committee that don't know what mad props means.

Hopefully this will settle down in the next two weeks.

Gin and Juice

I'm having one of those days when alcoholism seems like a fun alternative to going to work every day. Perhaps waking up in your own vomit near a dumpster 7 miles from your house with no car in sight would be a welcome change of pace from the constraints a normal life places on you. Things like deadlines, phone calls, yelling and oh, yes, a paycheck.

Or maybe I'm just exaggerating and should just grab a beer and curl up with the Gilmore Girls tonight and relieve my stress the old fashioned way. If only the batting cages were near here so that I could go take a swing at the objects of my loathing.

I really don't like the fall.

Gators, Pythons, Publicity Agents and Other Dangerous Animals

This is my biggest nightmare wrapped in the nightmare of another friend. Gators and crocodiles scare the bejeezus out of me for no real reason. I call this my irrational fear, because the likelihood of me encountering a gator in the middle of a completely land-locked state is highly unlikely.

However, my fear of being impaled by a deer's antler's while driving is substantially more reasonable for the mere fact that I actually live in an area prone to having lots of deer and that area also has forests near highways. All things in that equation add up to a trip to the body shop with deer skin implanted on your headlights. Mom always made me have deer horns on my car, but somehow they haven't made it onto Cam.

On another note, the weekend was marred by a crappy Saturday Night Live with an even crappier musical guest. I was making a comment on how it must suck for Ashlee Simpson to be the less attractive, talentless one in the family when Chef turned to me and said, "Yeah, how does it feel?"

Ahhhh, SNAP. And before you get your panties in a wad, he was KIDDING. We all love my brother, but we know he can't sing for shit.

Is anyone else tired of the "SPLIT!" that supposedly happened between Nick & Jessica? Everyone knows that the only thing the public wants to hear about in regards to couples are the following:

• Are they dating?
• Are they engaged yet?
• Did they actually make it to the alter?
• Is she pregnant?
• When are they breaking up?

When 'Newlyweds' hit the air, we already knew that three out of four of those were answered for us. So the nation watched and laughed while someone dumber than we viewed ourselves made these mistakes publicly. But of course, when I trip outside of the Olive Garden and get humiliated, no one hands me a dollar for the entertainment value. They got our money. They outsmarted us.

When they were cute and it was funny that she spent $1500 on one set of sheets, we all wondered when they were going to have kids. Now that we've realized the joke was on us (and if you saw the Variety Show or Christmas Special then you REALLY are the butt of the joke), America is pissed.

Pissed off people wish for bad things to happen and so we've moved on to "When are they breaking up?". It's natural and if Nick & Jessica were willing to play the game with their marriage on center court before this, then they should be prepared for the end results.

And the next time my ass gets glued to a toilet seat, I want everyone to pay me 50 cents before I tell the story. It's totally worth it.

I Threw Up A Little in My Mouth

In reference to Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes, Chef sent me an article this morning announcing the pregnancy of Katie. It referred to the millionaire-to-be as TomKitten. That was enough to start my day off the wrong way.

Then the maintenance saga continues. I called him this morning to finish up the job he started a couple of days ago. He left a gaping hole in my ceiling and come to find out that the leak wasn't taken care of at all. He said he'd be there at 10:00 a.m. and then never showed up. Not only that, when I called and left a message, he never returned it. I just want a ceiling without mold and leak, a toilet that doesn't run every 60 seconds and a sink that actually drains. Is that too much to ask for? HELL NO.

The only thing that made me smile was the Saturday Night Live sketch of Kanye West and Mike Myers meeting up back stage and "talking" about their stint together on the Katrina Marathon. It made me chuckle.

Dr. Cooter Cutter

Chef found me this little gem that I had to pass along. It's a urologist out of Austin, TX that specializes in vasectomies. I don't know if he's good, but I'd say he probably gets the job done.

"Dr. Richard (Dick) Chopp is well known in the Austin community for performing Vasectomies. He also enjoys treating patients with metabolic evolution of kidney stone disease, male endocrine urology disorders, prostate disease and Peyronie's disease. He has extensive laparoscopy surgery experience, is on the transplant team and performs Living Donor Nephrectomy."

That was a better find than his friend Dip's spotting of a realtor with the name Dick Balls.

Dick and fart jokes. That's where it's at.

We all know that cell phone drivers are the worst. I've tried at Chef's request to limit my cell phone usage dramatically while driving and its given me a lot of time to point out all of the other assholes that have that thing permanently glued to their ears.

Mythbusters even did a show(episode 33) about which was worse: driving drunk or while talking? It was actually about even, which is scary!

Now it's getting even worse. Instead of cell phones, let's give people a live animal to talk to. Honda just came out with a car that will accommodate such a request. I don't mind baby cat or dog talk at home, but if I see kissy faces while driving, I'll definitely become nauseated. Come one people. Is using a Pet Carrier that hard?

But I Love Smoking Monkeys

Apparently the chimp in China named Ai Ai (which is the same name as the main character on Super Monkey Ball, by the way) quit smoking after 16 years. While I'm sure the change was better for his health, I have to say that smoking monkeys make me chuckle. I guess him dying for my own amusement is selfish.

However, I don't love monkeys enough to spend 6 years of my life with them. Chef and I were watching PBS the other night and Nature was on. It was profiling the jungle and its inhabitants. One Italian researcher has been going into the jungle with the help of local tribesman every day to follow apes around and gain their trust. SIX YEARS!?!?! I really can't think of anything that fascinates me enough to isolate myself for six years to study it. Am I shallow or just normal?

On another note, let me run down this scenario for your and see what you think:

A person graduates college with an exceptional resume of community activities, work experience and a great GPA. He or she is highly recruited among others and is selected by a large organization to have a better-than-entry level position there.

However, on the first day of new staff orientation, he or she decides that they are worth more money and decide not to show up for work until they get more money. The company bargains with the candidate and they settle on something but instead of having the 4 weeks or so to learn the ropes, the candidate now has to come up with a give a huge presentation to the client in one week.

The candidate gives the presentation but the client bawks at its simplicity and ends up punching holes in it left and right. Most people would be fired, right? Not this candidate. The client leaves and instead of using it as a learning experience, the candidate blames his co-workers, the copy machine, Kinko's, and the client himself for his failure.

In what scenario would this person still have a job? I can think of at least one: the NFL. Adam ("Pacman") Jones , you suck. But I hope you keep playing for the Titans because it only helps the Colts.

My whole point is this: Why do things that seem completely unreasonable in real life seem altogether feasible and acceptable in professional sports?

Apparently Her Purpose Was Meth

Remember a couple months ago when the Fulton County Courthouse was shot up? The suspect fled and ended up taking a woman and her daughter hostage before she convinced him to turn himself in by reading him passages of A Purpose Driven Life.

It wasn't so much the moving words of Rick Warren that convinced the convinct to do well, but rather the meth she gave him. That's right. The woman used drugs not hugs. Did she tell the police this as they were handling the man? No. When did this come up?

Months later when it's time to sell her book. Suddenly she tells us the truth and we are to know that she was a meth addict. And also using meth with her child at home. Something that the new news reports haven't really bothered to mention.

They will, however, tell us of her own fight against drugs and how a car accident was caused when she heard a voice tell her (while on drugs, mind you) to "Let Go and Let God."

I'm becoming more and more cynical of people and their publicity schemes. To try and look good this woman said that she was reading a book that makes millions of dollars off of people's beliefs. When that didn't garner enough attention, she tells us the truth about the meth because, frankly, it's a sexier story and will help her get a piece of the pie.

Don't buy either book. Just get a Bible and some meth and play the at-home game.

Oh and it's Day 5 of showering in filth and last night the toilet starting running for no apparent reason every 60 seconds for a duration of 10 seconds. I almost couldn't sleep. I called Shelly the apartment manager today. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Yes, Shelly. This is Ashley. Have you received the part that was supposed to be ordered five days ago to repair the shower?

Shelly: Oh, I haven't asked the maintenance man about that.

M: Well, you need to and when you do, please let him know that now our toilet is running every 60 seconds for 10 seconds causing it to be hard to flush.

S: Okay, I'll let him know (snidely and trying to get me off the phone quickly).

M: Great. I'm looking forward to having him out there. (Equally sarcastically)

This is going to be a long year.

Stop with the crappy celebrity nicknames

Is anyone else tired of crappy celebrity couples having their names combined into one cutesy name?

Damn you Bennifer!! You started a trend that lasted longer than your relationship and it's horrible. And the fact that Ben Affleck married another Jen (although admittedly an upgrade: Jennifer 2.0) is a little gross to me. It's like dating someone with the same name as your brother. It's not their fault, but it's always going to be there in your mind.

Let's look at the latest list of crappy combinations:

• TomKat: First of all, her name is KATIE. It's not Kat. I'm sure she's never been called "Cat" in her life. I think Tom Cruise's people thought this one up, because it brought to mind a virile, promiscuous man. Yet another way for him to try and convince us he's straight.
• Brangelina: That breakfast cereal that surpassed Colon Blow and Super Colon Blow as most ass-wrenching.
• Dashmi: The kid in your high school that was from somewhere unspecified in the Middle East and always claimed that he was a prince of some sort to try to score chicks.

It's getting a little ridiculous.

Bathing in Someone Else's Filth

Three or four months ago as Chef and I were starting our cohabitational bliss, we noticed a drop coming from the ceiling in the bathroom. Above our showerhead was an area of ceiling that was moist and soggy to the touch. In fact, after touching it, it gave way to a drop drop drop. Every time the upstairs tenant took a shower, the dripping would begin.

We called maintenance and on several occasions had to answer the question: "Which leak is it again?" because we had a leak in the kitchen from the roof (keep in mind that we are on the bottom floor of a two-story complex).

On two separate occasions, the visit from a maintenance man went like this:

1. Maintenance came out and looked at the bathroom.
2. Maintenance man says "I need to order a part for that."
3. Maintenance man leaves and does not return.
4. Call apartment office and repeat process.

We hadn't noticed the leak for a month. Then again, there was not a person living above us taking a shower for the last month either. We had though asked our condescending bitch of an apartment manager if she would call maintenance to come and repair the moldy ceiling as the last time they were here they claimed to have completed the job. Of course, I was naive enough to believe this despite the fact that I saw no work being done.

So when the dripping was spotted this morning, I was pissed beyond belief. The rental office still had the nightly answering service on at 8:15 a.m., despite opening at 8. And so I left my name, number and problem with the night operator who classified it as an emergency and said that the office would get right to me.

They didn't get to me or even call, so I called back. It literally took 5 phone calls to get maintenance out there to say they have to order a part.

In the mean time, the water that's leaking through the ceiling was confirmed by the maintenance man to be my worst nightmare: the upstairs drain run-off. This is both bad news (uh, GROSS) and good news because now it's not only a county property upkeep violation, but the drain water makes it a health code violation in terms of our county sanitation laws.

Plus I'm getting a baptismal sprinkling of foul neighbor water every time I step in the shower. I love Chef and I wouldn't share his bath water, so I sure as hell don't want some strangers floating ass mater raining down on me.

And I want the apartment manager to pay, as well, for her shitty attitude. I'm thinking of saving my used bath water for the week and loading a supersoaker full of it to spray her with. Maybe I should wait until next week when it would be messier.

Smelly Office

I'm having a good day this morning. The press has been kind to us at an event last night (really a pre-event--one of those endless streams of cocktail parties that celebrate every aspect of the actual event: patrons, kick off, sneezing. That kind of thing). We were not quoted in an article on the impact of Katrina to non-profits, but our event got listed and gained extra publicity. All good things.

I was cranking right along this morning. Getting stuff done and checking stuff off my list. And then the door buzzer went off. Our office is not in, say, the high rent district. In fact, most of us would prefer not to be around here after about 7 p.m. While usually the most annoying thing we get is a lost out-of-towner trying to find their doctor, we also get some other things. The occasional stray animal. The homeless guy with his shopping cart of cans. The woman that walked up to me in the parking lot and asked me if she could have the knee-high leather boots I was wearing. Things like that.

Today, however, was a good one. A guy rang the buzzer and lowered his face to the intercom. In doing so, I was able to see his face. He couldn't see into my office, but it is very close to the front door and the when someone does that particular manuveur it usually catches my attention. It feels like someone is looking over my shoulder. I looked up and saw a very scruffy, obviously weathered man. He asked to use our restroom. We do not have a public restroom.

The girl at the front desk let him in. Apparently she is not aware that we actually got the front door buzzer/ intercom after a similar incident turned borderline violent. I guess it was more threatening than anything.

I was pissed because my office is not on the first one that would get attacked if there was a random shooting, but also right next to said bathroom. She pointed to it and he walked by peering into my office as he went in.

The other thing about my office being next to the bathroom is that I can usually hear everything. While I can't hear peeing, I can hear loud grunting, exceptionally loud plops, flushing and the sink. All of which I heard this time. The smell was so bad that it permeated the surrounding area before he even left. He also used the sink and our liquid soap to give himself a shower, as the sink was on a long time, his hair was wet when he left and there were about 100 used paper towels in the garbage.

Before you call me heartless, think of these two things:

1. How would you feel if your office smelled like poop and body odor because a homeless man came and took a whore's bath in the restroom that is about 5 feet from your desk?
2. There is a shelter literally two blocks from here that provides FREE OF CHARGE showers and cleansing materials to those in need.

So after he leaves, I'm pissed at the person who let him in. It was obvious that he was not coming here for business purposes. When one of the people who's office is two down from me complained about the smell, she started laughing incessantly until I told her that if she didn't stop, I would move her desk into the bathroom and see how she liked it.

The long of the short of it is: My office smells like feces and body odor. Still.

In God We Trust

Have you ever gotten an email and wondered why you were sent it? Like the penis enlargement spam when you're a girl? Like you would buy the stuff and sneak it into your significant other's food I Love Lucy style ?

Anyway, I got a rant on the fact that "In God We Trust" is being taken down from post office walls. In response to that, the bottom of the email read as follows:

"It has been reported that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore, I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a mess about having "In God We Trust"on our money and having God in the pledge of Allegiance.

Could it be that WE just need to take action and tell the 14% to "sit down and shut up"?"


I know one of the 86% that I want to tell to sit down and shut up. Considering Christianity is globally not the majority religion, under this same philosophy couldn't China or India invade the US and tell the population to stick their Crosses and Big Macs where the sun don't shine?

And what kind of action are they wanting to take? Will there be heavily armed militia? Will they come after minorities next? There will always be people that don't believe in the same things that they do so this could go on for a while.

Here are a few things that I believe and am willing to knock off people for:

1. I believe people who have stuffed animals in the back of their cars should be forced to work at Build-A-Bear until stuffing comes out of their asses.
2. I believe that people who stop on a busy street to let a car cross TWO lanes of traffic and risk their life because the second lane isn't stopped, should have to pay any incidental insurance costs.
3. I believe that if it takes you longer than 2 minutes to order at a fast food restaurant, you should automatically get cold food. Come one people. The menus don't change.
4. I believe that if someone ruins a taped TV show or sporting event or book for you, you are allowed to make them endure 3 hours of your most heinous guilty pleasure in retaliation.
5. I believe people who wait at the door or pace while someone is on the phone at their office should know they could be legally shot for doing so.

Little Baby Jesus

Over the last couple of days, I've gotten about 400 more visits to my blog than normal. I know I'm linked somewhere on aol, I just don't know where.

In an effort to find out what I was being linked for, I looked at blogpatrol to figure out what people were searching for. Let's just say that I was a little weirded out. While some of the searches were mundane ("beckon call and beck and call"), other capitalistic ("simply socks yarn company"), the majority of searches prove that porn truly does rule the net.

Apparently I talk about boobs, shaving, and mik bags too often. My second most searched terms included Jesus and other religious words that I rarely use. Again, porn and piousness all together in one happy home.

This weekend for the 4th time, my brother, sister-in-law and stepdad got together to walk in my mother's memory at the Komen Race for the Cure. It's been five years since she lost her fight with cancer. The first year the walk happened less than a month after mom died. It was too much. The second year I was lucky enough to have She-Ra and her family there to help me through. Now instead of feeling sad, I feel proud. I'm happy that my family still gets together to do something in her memory.

If you get a chance to go to a Race for the Cure or Relay for Life or Heart Walk or Memory Walk or any kind of walk or run for charity, do it. Do it for someone who's survived, someone who's died, someone you care about. You'll be surprised how much you might be touched.

The Apocalypse is Coming But at Least There's Free Coffee

Why is the apocalypse coming? Because IU Football is 3-0. In fact, as I like to tease my Tennessee friends, IU currently has a better record in the SEC than UT does.

Not only is IU Football 3-0, but so is Vanderbilt Football. Let me put this in perspective for you:

• Vanderbilt has not won three games in a row in 6 years
• Vanderbilt has not been 3-0 in 21 years (Reagan was president)
• Vanderbilt is leading the SEC and has not done that in 51 years (Eisenhower was president)

That's a long time to suck. It's just an odd football season. The weekend would've been perfect with the underdogs and the Colts winning, but the Titans won. The thing about that is the Exxon Tigermarkets around town have half-price coffee every Monday and FREE COFFEE every Monday after a Titans win. Mmmmm, Pumpkin Spice is even the flavor of the month.

On another note for those of you who hate football, Chef and I celebrated one year together last Friday. Actually, that should be another sign that the apocalypse coming. I'm in a long-term relationship and loving it. Anyway, he got me two of the most thoughtful, beautiful presents that I've ever received. It was a great anniversary...my first celebrated with any guy unless you count the tumultuous 3 month affair I had in 7th grade with Ben Hopkins. I think we celebrated like a week anniversary.

Program note: Arrested Development starts tonight, so be sure to watch it!

And Publicity for Her Perfume to Boot

Britney Spears had her baby yesterday. A boy that they reportedly named Preston something or other. After making a comment on wanting surgery to have the kid, Britney did just that and gave birth through Caesarean.

Why is this important? Because Caesareans can be planned out in advance. And let's say that you have a new fragrance that's hitting markets on Sept. 15th. And let's not forget the upcoming drop of the wretched 'Chaotic' DVD. UPN rushed to put it on for May sweeps and America rushed outside to enjoy the good spring weather.

If she's taking lessons from Madonna on marketing and publicity tie-ins, she's just trumped the material girl. I don't think Rocco or Lola were born in the midst of the Blonde Ambition Tour.

This could be merely coincidence. But I doubt it.

Albino Monkey-Loving Travel

I was watching Bravo the other day and this commercial came on. There were two nicely dressed men . One had a handsome young man as a boyfriend and the other had an older more stately gentleman as his boyfriend. They were playing that gameshow that's sweeping the nation "Book That Travel" and they were booking travel and accommodations to San Francisco.

I thought it was a Geico commercial. It wasn't. It was an ad for Orbitz's Special Gay Travel section. Which lead me to ask a lot of questions:

• Are gays the new women and children? Is this a new marketing niche for companies to try and swindle?
• Are there special needs in conjunction with gay travel?
• How did Bravo become the gay channel?

Really, how did Bravo become the gay channel? Yes, I realize it became a hit because of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. And yes, My Life on the D List does include a litany of "Best Gays," but do you think Bravo realized that by airing Good Will Hunting 12 times a week and having shows about fashion designers and male hair stylists , they would become the premiere channel for Orbitz's evil plot to dominate gay travel? Wouldn't style. or Oxygen work just as well or has Oprah put the kabbash on it?

How many sterotypes of gay people can we possibly play into?

1. All gay people want to go to San Francisco.
2. Moderately attractive gay men almost always have a younger promiscuous boyfriend.
3. Ugly, older gay men get the college professor-types that come out late in life.
4. Fashion, hair and celebrities are all that gay men care about.

Why hasn't anyone cared about this yet? Barbie said "Math is Hard" and Gloria Steinem was on her ass before the string had recoiled back into Barbie's body.

Damn you, Orbitz. And damn you too, Zellweger.

Not on The Market Any More

For those of you who still like to torment me about my desperate use of a certain celebrity to spark an interest in my fantasy life, you'll be happy to know that he's engaged. It's sad, but even in my fantasies, I can't commit adultery. Besides, I've got a real guy now that requires no conjuring or enchanted pouches to lure in.

Stop the Video Game before I Throw Up

When someone says to me, "You're becoming more like your mother each day" I normally am proud of this fact. She was a smart, funny and organized woman who had her faults. All in all though, I'd be lucky to end up like her.

However, never did I realize that that would include her tendency to have motion sickness. As a kid, I'd always laugh and wonder why mom didn't ride the rides with us at amusement parks. Then my brother, dad and I would join together to tease her about it.

This seemed funny until about a year ago. My friend Lisa and I were having a drink at Jonathan's and thought that the carnival in the mall parking lot looked like a good time. So, we headed over, coughed up some money and rode a couple of rides. The standard Tilt-a-Whirl, a Scrambler and the Ring of Fire. Never in my life have I been that motion sick. I was so sick that I went home and went to bed at 10 o'clock (which was unheard for me at that time).

Not really had another bout since then, but I also haven't been whipped around in anything that would cause me to be sick. But yesterday Chef bought an Xbox game called Super Monkey Ball Deluxe. It's like a more fun version of Sonic the Hedgehog, which I loved as a kid. When I was playing, I didn't really have much of a problem. When I was watching Chef, I ended up getting as sick. It felt like motion sickness.

I feel so old. I got motion sickness from a video game. Watch out 30s. I'm going to be a ball of fire.

The season has started already?

Has this new fall season snuck up on anyone else? I spent so much time begrudgingly finding alternative things to do and watch while the shows were on hiatus that I forgot that the season premieres will be happening in the next week or two.

New Gilmore Girls, Arrested Development and The Apprentice, hurray! I'm actually looking forward to it now that I remembered. However, I'm wondering what to Tivo since I'll still be watching The Amazing Race. Hell, on some nights I'll get two hours worth. Plus they're having a fantasy football-like game to accompany it.

I'm somewhat holing up this weekend. Although I did manage to get Chef to come shopping with me on Sunday. We're shopping for him, so it made it a little more worth his while. I'm trying not to get too excited otherwise, I'll push my luck and run him out of the mall screaming in an hour. And everyone knows that you just can't get through Shopryland in an hour. That's right. I'm taking him to the big Daddy of the malls. Again, I'm going for it all.

It's Not Me, It's Definitely You

I saw this on MSN and had to read it. I also had to add on my own reasons that someone at work could be annoying:

• You plop your ass down in someone else's office to "talk" and it lasts 30 minutes...even though who you're talking to has started typing or answering phone calls.
• You say the same thing every day to the same person and expect a different response. (ie. "You should get some lights in here." "I have lights. I just don't like to use the overhead lighting."
• You send the same five forwards every day.
• You go to the bathroom with nothing on your feet except pantyhose.
• You say "Hope we didn't scare you too much to come back tomorrow" to someone on their first day.
• You interrupt someone's conversation from three cubicles away to interject a question not relating to the original conversation.
• You have an obnoxiously loud phone voice.
• You refer to yourself or your position in third person.
• You questions with the preface "I know you're not the right person to ask, but..."
• You shovel work with the preface "I know you're really busy right now, but..."
• You reference a red stapler in a conversation and then attribute the quote to Dilbert.

Those are just mine. I know you have some to add, so add away.

On another note, tonight begins the 6 months of Football. I am ecstatic, but until your team plays all the hoopla feels like the dinner you had to sit through as a kid on Christmas Eve before you could open presents. Nice and everything, but not the real reason you came. And with that I say, Go Horse!!

Back in the Saddle

Damn, it sucks to have a job. Well, the money is nice, but being away from your job for 5 straight days and then coming back to it is not a lot of fun.

Despite a thumb amputation, the weekend was a blast. Although I'm sure the phrase "Girls' weekend" probably conjured up visions of pajama-clad pillow fights when the most sexuality we cared to muster was the constant use of the word "bitch." Mostly to describe Precious when she was mocking me for not having any kind of Donkey Konga skills. Swampette, on the other hand, was a General in the Rhythm Nation.

The only big bummer was me realizing that I wanted to buy some local, only available in THAT state wine on Sunday. Then remembering that alcohol isn't sold on Sunday. Of course, I didn't remember this until I was at a supermarket looking at the bottles of wine and wondering how much it would take to bribe a cashier. I totally didn't have enough cash for that.

I got back on Sunday but spent Monday and Tuesday mentally preparing for my triumphant return to work. By mentally preparing, I meant shopping. It took me weeks to get used to my new Kroger. I finally got it down and then BAM! I walked in on Monday morning to see that they were remodeling. I'm back at square one.

Anyway, I came back this morning without much kicking and screaming. Spent most of the day fielding calls about Katrina and its impact on our events. And of course, I've laughed my ass off. I got an email from the PRSA, a professional organization for Public Relations professionals. The email included in it the following line:

"Time and again, you have asked, 'How can I use my public relations skills most effectively to help in this terrible disaster??'"

Is PR really the first thing that New Orleans needs right now? A better, glossier image? Are there actually people that asked that?

I'm impressed. Our organization not only set up a fund to field staff donations for the relief efforts, but also is allowing us to donate by giving up to half of our days off. They will then convert them into money and add them to the fund. Not a bad deal.

Knittin', Bitchin' and Eatin'

Those are my plans for this weekend with the girls! I am so excited to be travelling North for a girls' weekend. We haven't all gotten together for about a year and I'm looking forward to it.

I can't wait for us to start knitting and bitching and eating everything that's yummy. Plus I haven't been in my home state for several months. Although paying over $3 a gallon in gas prices to get there won't carry quite the glee it should. Perhaps I can get some cheap Kentucky gas and then brag all weekend about how I found gas for $2.50.

I will miss Chef dearly but I'm sure we'll actually have time to miss each other while I'm gone this weekend. And he can play Halo without anyone making any snide comments or rude looks.

However excited I am about this weekend, I'm mostly excited because I will be off of work. I have yet to take a "true" vacation this summer and my sluggishness and lack of enthusiasm is definitely a result of too many hours looking at the same things. Five whole, glorious days of not having to put in X number of hours or "having" to take a call. It's my vacation. I don't HAVE to take anyone's call now.

I'm outta here.

Not ever as bad

The weather hit us last night at about 3:30 a.m. Chef slept through it like he was in a coma. I, on the other hand, kept waking up to hear the wind ripping through the tunnel-like area between the two apartment buildings in the complex. However, when all was said and done, the rain didn't flood us too bad, the winds didn't rip anything apart and we are still standing.

Schools were out here today in anticipation of the flooding. I would pray for snow and it would and we STILL wouldn't get out of school. The only time we ever really got out for anything funny would be extreme heat (even though our school had air conditioning, we still got the benefit of a day off for those that didn't) and the one weird time that our cafeteria lost power so they sent us home before lunch. I think the Southern schools need a longer, more temperate climate to accommodate the extra days they need to tack on to the end of school year to hit their required 180 days.

Buy Me a Ticket for a Hurricane

Ain't got time to take a fast rain. Lonely days are gone. I'm a goin' home. Our Office. It's closed in 2 hours.

(Imagine that to the tune of the 60s hit "The Letter" by the Boxtops)

What was once Katrina is supposed to hit us late tonight spawning smaller tornadoes and major flooding here. Because of this, our office is closing an hour early to let us go get milk, bread, eggs and some other essentials that cause mass hysteria at the grocery store.

I'm actually hoping my friend in New Orleans still has a condo to go to in the morning. The city is already built below sea level, so our office branch there is currently completely submerged under water. There are two offices along the coast line that are closed for a very long time.

And while I hope to survive the storms around here, I am glad for some extra time at home tomorrow. If the weather is too bad, we've been instructed to stay and work from home tomorrow. Even if electricity gets knocked out, Chef is off of work tomorrow too, so I'll have someone to keep me company.

The impending doom that's looming here is not helping me get my plans finished. I had a couple of things that I wanted to schedule before I leave on vacation this Friday, but today is obviously not the day for it. In fact, one of the items included shooting a commercial with a local meteorologist, but I have a feeling I'm not going to get a hold of her today.

Hope everyone has sense enough to get out of the rain!

Why can't I get a makeover?

I'll admit it. I can't resist a makeover show. Not EVERY makeover show, because that'd be enough to fill up about three Tivos, but if I catch the beginning of a makeover show, I have to watch until the end. It's like seeing the first 10 minutes of a movie that's on TV. Even though you own that movie and sitting less than 3 feet from your TV in DVD or VHS WITHOUT commercials, you still end up watching the movie on TV. Or at least I do. I'm just that lazy.

There are so many makeover shows that they're hard to avoid: Extreme Home Makeover, Extreme Makeover, Trading Spaces, Clean Sweep, I want a Famous Face, Pimp My Ride, Emeril's Kitchen Makeover, What Not To Wear, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, etc. Not to mention the "special" episodes of every talk show that make people over and the local networks that do smaller makeovers using local vendors.

Anyway, I get sucked in to makeover shows very easily. Show me an ugly duckling. Show me trashed house. Then show me $50,000 worth of dental work, cosmetic surgery and wardrobe help to make the Swan (but not that TV show, because I don't really dig on makeover shows that are beauty pageants).

I know these shows are just playing up to what aspirational advertising has been tapping into for year, but I'm hooked. I want the flat screen TV generously donated by Phillips or the new bathroom fixtures by Kohler.

I want to be madeover.

I don't care if they extremely makeover my house, tell me what not to wear or pimp my ride. Just pump some of that cash into my clearly inferior material items. I'll wear crappy clothes for weeks on end and you can videotape me "secretly." I'll put rusted out holes in Cam's floorboard and let kittens live in his trunk. I'll adopt 42 one-legged Cambodian orphans to live in my one-bedroom apartment. Let's make this makeover happen. Let's move that bus. Let's commence with the liposuction.

Or maybe I'll just stick to watching other people get their plasma TVs and settle with the fact that my TV is good enough. My smile is good enough. My home is good enough. My life is good enough.

It'd be nice to have a Plasma Flatscreen TV though.

You're in Charge!

Yesterday, we had computer training to help initiate us to the new human resources software. A fun little afternoon of listening to information about how the new online performance reviews will work. Glorious.

Of course, the title of the program (because we always have to have a title for training--our last one was called E1 is for EVERYONE!) was You're In Charge!

I giggled like an 8 year-old every time he said it. Partly because I'm immature and partly because I had just read an article about a urine powered battery. Something that would give off a urine charge?

It's a disposable battery that uses the ions in your body, or more specifically your Mello Yello, to transfer the energy. Perhaps I'll just stick to Duracell.

Hey wait, I know that guy

Peyton Manning was on the Bob & Tom Show this morning doing his charity auction thing for his foundation. I got to hear about 20 minutes of it and it made me giddy for the upcoming football season. Much like many people who have a love of the cream and crimson (both the school and the delightful Aver's pizza), I have limits to which I can get excited about the college football season.

Anyway, I went online to check out the auction and started surfing around. I looked at the program notes from a couple weeks back and saw a familiar name. Honestly, most of the names are familiar because they are either famous or comedians that I've heard on Bob & Tom many times. Nonetheless, I saw a name that wasn't famous OR an comedian. He was my teacher.

My old magazine writing class prof was a smart ass New York journalist taking it easy in our little college town. Actually, he lived in Indianapolis because the thought of having only 60,000 people around him made him nervous.

Anyway, Professor Salerno wrote a book about the sham of our self-help nation. I'll probably end up buying it and if it's anywhere near as good as fast food nation, I'll probably love it. The fact that Steve wrote a book with even a portion of it devoted to making fun of Dr. Phil is a good time.

Now if only I'd get off my ass and write a book....

More Things About Me in a Self-Indulgent List

Precious tagged my ass and now I'm obliged to write down 5 things that are weird about me. The trick will be to pick 5 that are quirky enough to be interesting and yet, not weird enough to make me look like the deranged person I truly am. Here goes:

id*I*o*syn*cra*sy- a structural or behavioral characteristic peculiar to an individual or group. Write down 5 of your own idiosyncrasies, then if you wish, tag 5 people.

1. My rolodex is in order by the person's occupation (print media, university, pharmaceuticals) and THEN by the last name because I always seem to forget one or the other.
2. I wear make-up, have painted nails and toe nails, have facials, and love accessories, but I won't wear earrings because they make me feel too girlie.
3. I still wish when the clock's time is a palindrome and I notice. My favorite is 11:11.
4. I still believe that if I don't hold my touchdown monkey when the Colts are on offense, they will turn the ball over in the red zone.
5. I hate it when stores purposely misspell words to highlight their alliteration. My least favorite offender: The Kountry Kitchen.

Okay, enough with the idiosyncrasies, here are just some weird ole facts about me:

1. I still take pride in the fact that my brother's colic as a baby made my mom return to smoking.
2. I won a teddy bear at our company's software training for answering the most questions correctly.
3. This is where Swampette's inner monologue starts screaming something about STILL being a teacher's wet dream.
4. I was once reprimanded for having too much Scooby Doo decor in my former cubicle. I had two items.
5. My closet is organized by item (shirt, skirt, pants, dress), then by length (of hem or sleeve), then by color. I am that anal when it comes to my closet.
6. Since the move more than 50 pairs of my shoes are sitting in a garbage bag at the top of my closet. I'm still trying to find a place for them.
7. Chef and I have only one picture of the two of us together and it was taken by a camera phone.
8. I have seen Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo.
9. I have made a list of items that are mine in case I'm ever fired and someone else has to clean out my office. I'm just that paranoid.
10. I keep a list of funny names of real people I've come across. One of my favorites is Wayne Chung.

Fool Me Once

Have you ever been in situation where the outcome was less than desirable? I was asked to hold a ceremony where there were several players involved and tried to please them all. That was my first mistake. When there are that much politics involved in making a decision, things get screwed up.

So now there's an occasion to repeat the ceremony with slightly different players involved. I have a feeling the outcome is going to be the same. I'm going to end up getting angry phone calls form a variety of different parties for things that weren't ever discussed.

Basically it translates to this: Work sucks.

Today it was announced that the soft drink industry is going to be cutting back on their stranglehold in schools. I'm reading the book Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser. One whole section of the book was dedicated to how marketing companies are now negotiating deals for schools to help soft drinks companies get more of their product in the schools.

In fact, one school system had a quota of how many cases of cola they had to sell. If they didn't sell that amount, they had to give the money back. So, do I think this sudden development of social conscience is for real? Hell, no.

Our New Arrival!

Yesterday at 6:47 p.m. we welcomed to our household a brand new Dell! We haven't decided on a name yet, although I'm sure that Chef will nix the idea of naming our beloved toy. I'm really excited to have a new home computer. Especially one that is very fast and came off the assembly line in this millennium.

This morning on the Today show they continued their series on various ways to save money. They were going over creative ways to cut costs at kid's birthday party. Of course, they had to interview a couple that spent WAY too much. This couple spent $3500 for their 7-year old's birthday. There were 32 kids invited. That's more than $100 per kid.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? When I was a kid, I wanted a skating rink party or a McDonald's birthday party more than anything. Do they even have McDonald's birthday parties any more? I can guarantee it didn't cost $100 a kid for some Happy Meals and McDonaldland Cookies, that's for damn sure.

That Donut Has More Calories Than My ASS

I've been counting my calories for about a month now. I've written down what I've eaten for the day and calculated the calories thanks to calorieking.com. I'm not vigilant about it, but I'm trying to cut my calories by about 500 calories each day and I don't count on weekends because if I did I would feel trapped and quit.

I also don't make a big deal about counting the calories because I'm a big girl and I don't want to be condescending or rude to others. What I eat has been and will always be, my damn business.

So this morning we had a breakfast for a girl in our office who is getting married next weekend. The spread included cantaloupe, grapes, bananas, donuts, coffee cake, crumb cake, chocolate chip cookies and cereal bars. I weighed my options and decided to have a banana and some cantaloupe. One of the ladies who works here then commented: "You know, a banana is the worst fruit you can have."

I got pissed immediately. A banana is a fruit and fruit, by nature, is something that is at least moderately good for you. What pissed me off even more was that she had her plate loaded down with three donuts and some crumb cake. I held back on pointing that out, because frankly, what she eats is none of my business. However, she later said "I can't eat fruit. The acids burn my mouth (which had been sore)."

The whole commenting on the food is such a woman-based thing. And not just girl-on-girl attacks, either. I've seen many guys that have commented on girls' eating habits and many girls who've latched on to a man's diet like it was a half-price pair of shoes. I've done it.

Unless there's a health reason to be concerned about someone's diet AND they ask me to, I'm determined not to comment on anyone else's eating habits. Unless that bitch is skinny.

Two Hours in Sam's is Like a Week There

I went Friday to Sam's Club to get a set of new tires for the Cam. Hoping that I would get a jump on the crowd, I got there at a little before 4 p.m. When I purchased my new tires, I found out that it would take 2 hours for them to be installed. Two hours of Sam's Club is a long time.

I walked up and down every aisle. At one point, a man who worked there asked me for help and I politely declined. He saw me later and asked me if I was lost. I explained that I was waiting on tires to be installed and he said "Are you SURE you aren't lost?". You ask a 5 year-old that. Not a 26 year old.

The highlight of the evening was sitting at the "Cafe" having a Diet Coke and having a 30-something guy hit on me at the urging of his mother. Luckily, my name was called over the loud speaker right when things were getting really awkward.

Despite my long-ass wait, I did get about $40 back because they took more than their 59-minute guarantee.

Needless to say that I when I saw myself as a grown-up, I never imagined that my Friday night would be spent being picked up at a Sam's Club.

No Jeans that hit the floor

There's a school system around here that has started enforcing its strict dress code. It's a PUBLIC school with what consistutes as a uniform. A uniform that I would've not had in high school.

This school system forbids:

• Any pant that touches the ground
• Collarless shirts
• Jeans have to be a solid color, no bleaching or fading
• No black tops with black pants
• Logos can't be more than 3/4" big
• Tops have to be tucked in, even when arms are raised
• No strips of any kind

Are you kidding me? How does this help facilitate learning? This is the third year for the code, but the first year that the school actually enforced it. 900 kids were sent to in school suspension on the first day of classes.

Hmmm, you know those test scores that you bitched about being so low? Well, they aren't going to get any higher unless the kids ARE IN CLASS.

I'm glad that all kinds of tackiness was allowed at my school. It let me wear the giant ripped jeans that I had, the hideous brown clogs that I fancied and what became my uniform through the first part of college: white v-neck t-shirt, plaid button-down and jeans. Oh, the good old dressed down, looking like shit days.

Dude, we're getting a Dell

It all started with a chair. We needed a desk chair for our office (which is supposed to be a dining area). The desktop was at home and the wireless access was just set up. It seemed like we were using it more and more and the tailgating canvas chair special wasn't cutting it. So, I started scouring the Sunday circulars (or as Lara calls them, "sale bills").

Office Depot had a leather chair on sale for half-price. An absolute steal. Of course, they also had desks on sale and since my particle-board piece of crap was heavy and not grand to use, I caved to Chef's request for a new desk.

So on Monday we set off to not one but TWO Office Depot locations. The first one didn't have the chair OR the desk. The second one seemingly had both but when we went to check out, the chair was not in stock. After nearly 30 minutes of arguing that I didn't want the thing shipped to my house and no, I was NOT paying handling charges, I walked out with a receipt for the chair, but no chair. The chair would come two days later to another Office Depot and I would have to pick it up.

Anyway, with the desk and soon-to-be chair in two, we were happy with how the office was shaping up. Then I got the call. Chef had run a virus scan that had inadvertently cleaned something that was vital to my operating system. At first we thought the information was gone and I had a hysterical "BUT I HAD FIVE YEARS OF WRITING ON THAT COMPUTER!!" moment. And before you ask, I only had half of it backed up but all of it was on hard copy.

In between the time it took for me to panic and recover and then go home, I had made up my mind. We were getting a new computer. So we did some more shopping and ended up getting a Dell. And yes, I know that my title was a throwback, but I like to take you back to happier times, like 1997. It reminds us what it was like to not live in such a populous area.

I gotta go pick up the chair.

The Elephant was Tried for Murder

Chef was reading off a bunch of odd facts to me this morning as I was getting ready for work and of course, that one stuck with me: Tennessee is the only state to ever try an elephant for murder.

The only thing I can think of is that I'd hate to be the prosecutor on that trial. You already know that you won't be cross-examining the defendant. Besides, if you do win, what do you do? Send the elephant to jail? Forced imprisonment for an elephant... isn't that called a zoo?

And if the elephant gets the death penalty, PETA will be all over your ass before the gavel hits the bench. An elephant trial is totally a lose-lose situation.

Speaking of lose-lose situations, I chose to stay out of one this week when the ubiquitous collection envelope came around the office. Another wedding, another donation. Except this time I took some good advice. I just signed the card.

It's not that I don't like the bride-to-be. However, we have had two other weddings and a new baby that have gone completely unrecognized in the office in the last couple of months. It's hard to donate to someone's wedding when you know that if it was your wedding, there'd be nothing but a hand shake involved.

Office politics suck.

Work distractions? It's really life distractions

There was an article today that says that ever three minutes, someone is interrupted in their work. A phone call, an email, an instant message (which thankfully this office has yet to install). Something pops up to interrupt the process of working. The story goes on to say that it takes a full 8 minutes for someone to get into their full-on, ass-kickin' creative mode.

While I agree that I'm distracted at work a lot of the time, I also know an important point: Work is actually a distraction from life. I've never really gotten those people that get so obsessed with their jobs that they forget about anything else.

I'm not saying that I'm perfect. I've gotten totally stressed out about work and made the mistake of taking it home with me on occasion, but I also remember what my priorities are and my priorities are centered around me and my needs. I've always had a need to be successful, but I'm learning that the only definition of 'success' that counts in the one that I make for myself.

Dueling Horoscopes

I spent some of this morning reading my horoscopes in the two newspapers in town. The larger newspaper said that I was going to have a lucky day and everything, even small things, would go my way. The smaller newspaper said that it wasn't a time to talk to people, but to let them be on their own.

I was hoping that since the larger newspaper had more people reading it that perhaps it's astrological sources were better informed. Faulty logic in whatever way you look at it. Seeing as how the morning already had gone up to that point, I knew I was screwed anyway.

First, I went into a clinical research facility to see if I qualified for a study they are doing on psoriasis. I got up early and made my way in there to hear a couple of thing that were pretty discouraging and/or embarrassing:

1. "Is that all you've got?" In response to me showing the nurse my areas of psoriasis. Although I know that there are people much worse off, it's still disgusting and bothersome. Especially my scalp psoriasis, which wasn't even being offered medicines for research.
2. "Well, we do have some weight loss studies, if you're interested." There's nothing like going into a place to have my skin looked at and being told that I qualify because of my fat ass. This is especially encouraging after I'd spent the last month adjusting my eating habits. There I was happy to have looked down and lost 6 pounds in 4 weeks and my moment of glory was killed by yet another reminder of how fat I am.

I also had a meeting with a representative of the state comptroller (who was neither cute nor elected nor had a penchant for being peed on). I got out of that and had lunch at home. Chef was apparently tired and not in a particularly warm mood, so I got even more confirmation that horoscope #2 was the one for me. I now hate the other Aquariuses that had a perfectly lucky day according to horoscope #1.

Anyway, I will continue my sock knitting journey tonight and hopefully watch some decent TV. Or at least some decent TV shows that are on DVD or TiVo. Actual TV right now sucks ass.

I'm a Knittin' Kitten

I'm so proud of myself. I created one crappy ass sock and one not so bad looking sock. I had never tried knitting socks before, but wanted desperately to be able to buy yarn from Precious's Simply Socks Yarn Company. She's got some cool yarn that she taunts me with daily. It was like showing me a Borders and then taking away my ability to read.

Anyway, I finally took the plunge and knit a pair of socks, cursing the whole time. Chef was nice enough to say "Don't worry about them. They're gonna look bad until you get the hang of them." Of course, he also laughed a little at the first sock and what he called "the nipple toe."

Anyway, socks are done and now I have a need to knit more socks. I've got some cool self-striping yarn that I've had for over a year as I put off learning how to knit socks. Now I need to figure out what size needles are the best for average sock knitting. I think my first pair were too large for what I want to do. They're size 5, but I didn't know any better when I bought them.

Anyway, my weekend was spent knitting. Plus I took a trip to Borders and bought 3 books. I hadn't read anything new in a while until the Harry Potter book came out and it made me remember how much I love sitting on the couch curled up with a book and some wine.

On another note, after months of my pleading for some additional testosterone in our office, we finally got some. We hired a guy who literally made some of the older women's jaw drop when he walked in the door. Here's the catch: He's a grunter. His response to every question is an guttural "uh" and the occasional chin nod. I had one conversation with the boy and it concluded with a "well, okay then" and me inching my way backward towards the door.

It seems like we finally put the shoe on the other foot. We hired a man. For looks.

Things that annoy me

1. People who send me a "funny forward" and then ask if I got it. "If you got it, why didn't you respond with an email telling them how funny you thought it was?"
2. People who get mad when someone told them you knew the answer and you don't.
3. Getting a parking ticket because a meeting goes 45 minutes over time.
4. Having someone else get credit for my work
5. Taking phone calls from people I had to pretend I liked when they worked here, but don't have to pretend that I like them any more.
6. That when the office is in a money crunch, water gets put into the soap dispensers to make them last longer.
7. That I haven't been able to knit a damn sock yet!
8. When I can't find the specific kind of composition book I use to journal in and have to go with something inferior.
9. Women who wear high heels to work, only to take them off by 9 a.m. and leave nasty foot funk smell around the office all day.
10. When people see that I am on the phone, yet still come in and plop themselves down in my office to wait on me.
11. People who insist on using the phrase "Alrighty."
12. Not getting a bonus for the third year in a row, despite increasing my workload and performance by 20 percent.
13. Hummers driving in the city
14. Summer TV schedules

I'm sure I have more.

Girls Are Bitches

I bought a book as a requirement for my "professional development" portion of my review. It's called A Woman's Guide to Successful Negotiating. I'm wondering how much this is actually going to help me. I'm also wondering how they got 242 pages out of the topic.

However, it appears that most of the book is dealing with the time-old question of "Why is a woman called a bitch and a man called aggressive?" debate. I still haven't truly figured that one out. I can only come up with that since birth men have a warm feeling towards women and feel abruptly shaken out of their euphoria when women act less than warm to them.

Anyone else got an idea? I can't tell you what the book says until after I read it.

I wonder Why?

Why do I do these things to myself? Why do I try and pretend that I care a lot about my career? Why do I try to pretend that PR is the place for me?

These are the kinds of questions that come up every time I try to do something for professional development. Today I tried to utilize my PRSA membership. My boss asked me on several occasions to join the local PRSA (public relations society of America) and to be involved. I joined in January. This is the first time I've attended an event.

Mostly I haven't attended because I can't figure out why I have to pay to be a member on the national level, local level and in a specific section (healthcare, non-profit, etc) and STILL have to pay $30 to attend any of the meetings. That's right. $30 per meeting. I wasn't sure it was worth it until today. Now I'm sure it's not worth it.

I went today to hear the president of the National PRSA talk about the state of PR. Despite not being completely sure if PR is for me, I still am a geek when it comes to media trends. Love to talk about the media and all the things that are happening within it. However, I really didn't learn much of anything. I was also pissed because the meeting was supposed to be an hour-long and ended up being an hour and 45 minutes long.

Another thing about PRSA meetings, is that you can't be an observer there. As soon as I walked through the door, I had so many hands extended my way that I thought I was in a bad sexual harassment training video. I sat next to a lady that acted like I was her best friend when we left and knowing that I will never probably see her again.

It's just so hard to be faced with a room full of people that are either really enthusiastic about their jobs or care enough to fake a level of enthusiasm that I save for Tivo.

So, from now on, my professional development will be limited to books and online courses. That way I can learn about how to successfully interact with people without having to actually interact with people.

AIDS! AIDS! AIDS!

Damn you, Team America! Chef and I finally watched it over the weekend and all I can say is "Fuck yeah!". That and I have the theme song from "Lease" stuck in my head. My friend here at work has the soundtrack and has dutifully promised to make me a copy.

I finally cleaned out the apartment. The last remnants of cleaning supplies and trash were taken out yesterday. I only had a $50 deposit, so I only did about $50 worth of cleaning. I know I won't be seeing any of that money again, so I didn't feel too bad about the three-quarters ass job I did on the place. Saying goodbye to the first place I've ever lived at by myself. It would've been sad if I had actually spent the night there in the last four months.

I would like to thank Swampette for inspiring me to try knitting socks again with her encouraging words of wisdom. I'll let you know if I actually complete them correctly.

On another note, I had a nice big scare this morning when I saw what looked like an ingrown hair on my arm. The spot had hurt when touched all day yesterday and this little thing popped up on the site. I wasn't really concerned with it until a coworker told me he thought it might be a brown recluse spider bite.

What better way to start a Monday than to imagine your arm being encompassed by a growing spot of dying tissue and open wounds? So, I spent much time scouring the internet for pictures of bites and nearly got nauseous. Of course, then I looked on the list and nausea was one of the symptoms and was further convinced that I had a brown recluse spider bite.

However, it's been over 48 hours (nearly 72 now) since the first twinge of pain. By this time, my flesh would be ripped open and I would know. At least that's what Dr. WebMd tells me.

Wish me luck that I don't lose an arm!

39 Things you might not have known about me...but you might have

1. I was once on an Academic Olympics team that was purely for African American History.
2. I came in second in the city for it.
3. I didn't really like "Catcher in the Rye."
4. My hot pink books outnumber my "serious" books about 2 to 1.
5. I've never seen "Casablanca," "Citizen Kane," or "It's a Wonderful Life."
6. I once won a poster contest that dealt with discouraging drunk driving.
7. My slogan was "If you drink STOP and think."
8. I think I only won because I included the number for the local taxi service on it.
9. I never regularly ate ice ream more than once a month before I met Chef.
10. I also never regularly ate vegetable more than once a month before I met Chef.
11. My boss thinks I'm a gossip.
12. I don't really gossip. People just tell me things that I don't really want to know.
13. Before Chef, I always gave nicknames to the guys that I liked (By the way, I don't call Chef "Chef" anywhere else.)
14. My favorites were "Sweaty Sweaterson," "Scottie the Hottie," and "Brain Injury Guy."
15. My Magic 8 Ball told me what was going to happen between Chef and me before our first date.
16. Because she introduced me to Diet A & W Cream Soda, I think Alice Boyer is a genius.
17. Oreo Crisps don't taste nearly as good as regular Oreos, but you get a lot of them for 100 calories.
18. I've finished 5 volumes of Journals since I was 16.
19. It's most I've ever written on one topic, but I feel self-centered because the topic was me.
20. Despite my current cohabitational bliss, I will always miss my girlie times living with Shera, Swampette and (honorarily) Precious.
21. I was suckered into taking ice skating for college credit.
22. I never learned to skate backwards.
23. I did have a hand in developing the breakthrough ice dance "Lifecycle of a Dragonfly: From Pupa to Puberty."
24. I have an irrational fear of alligators and crocodiles.
25. I also have a fear of dying by being impaled, specifically impaled by deer antlers through a car windshield.
26. I still hate sorority girls.
27. Every time I dream about my mom, I wake up crying.
28. I never woke up crying until 5 years ago.
29. I never thought I would live in Tennessee.
30. If I were to live in Indiana again, I could only live in Bloomington or parts of Indianapolis, but I still consider myself a Hoosier.
31. I received the "Grow a Boyfriend" novelty and "Worst Case Scenario: Dating and Love" book at least two times each from age 21 to age 25.
32. I still curl up with Karl Kaleb on mornings that Chef has to work early.
33. I'm actually pretty good at Tiger Woods Golf.
34. I actually bought a professional development book of my own free will.
35. When I was a kid, I wanted to name a daughter "Hilary" after a character on the soap opera "Loving."
36. At one point in my life, I was up to date on five different soap operas.
37. I wish I could write an episode of "Gilmore Girls."
38. Sometimes I google people I've hated to see what their doing now.
39. I like self-indulgent lists.

An Unexamined life

Why do we feel the need to have continual progress reports throughout our entire lives? Report cards, tests, health exams. Didn't someone say that ignorance is bliss? And once you get out of school you still get the dreaded yearly review.

Today was my review day. We actually have two reviews: on at mid-year and one at year-end. The constant need for self-assessment. It's less my need and definitely not my boss' need. I'm sure he would prefer a phone call to us rather than having to travel to five different cities in four states to tell us whether we were doing well or not.

The process isn't all that painful. Those who are sucking usually bail out before June when the shit hits the fan. It's just the actual process of having to sit down and go over stuff and then talk about the goals for next year. Everything seems so much worse when you lay it out a year at a time. That's why alcoholics break it down more.

One day at a time.

It works if you work it.

Perhaps the developers of AA should write a book related to the business world. Of course, sticking true to their philosophies, when AA gained notoriety in the 60s, the duo that developed it never gave interviews. They were members and didn't want to give up their anonymity. Now that's devotion.

You so ugly...

I got "Kinsey" in the mail today thanks to Blockbuster.com. I've been wanting to see it for several reasons.

1. It has Laura Linney in it.
2. The story line is pretty interesting.
3. It's hard for me to fathom that sexual research got its start in Indiana.

I wanted to see the movie in theaters, but like most movies, I talk myself out of paying the $8.50 and just wait for the DVD. Anymore, I have better popcorn at home and my cokes are free.

Anyway, I was reading up on the movie a while back and the movie web site said something interesting. The movie was filmed at Rutgers (although it takes place at Indiana University) because of the proximity to amenities and availability of casting.

In movie terms it means: Hoosiers are too ugly.

Well, I beg to differ. I've been to a lot of states and I would have to say that as a whole, Wisconsin is a much uglier state than Indiana. Generally it's not the people that moved to Wisconsin (most of these people moved there because they were forced to by job circumstances). As a whole, native Wisconsians are not all that attractive. I know Lara will back me up on this.

What state is the most unattractive?

I Demand a Recall

There is nothing more heartbreaking and nerve racking than getting the panicked phone call from someone wanting to know if their (or their spouse, family member, etc) medical device works properly.

Guidant, a company out of Indianapolis, has had to recall two types of devices in the last two weeks: implantable defibrillators and pacemakers. Both kinds of devices that could seriously fuck you up if they malfunction. And that's what's happened. They had about 70 people die and are recalling them.

It sucks, but it sucks more to tell the person that we don't have a list of the medical devices that haven't killed people. We also don't have devices that we recommend because we don't recommend ANY medical devices, as a rule.

"What the hell do you do, anyway?" is the standard reply and one that I got again this afternoon. Technically I promote the agenda and events of this organization and have nothing to do with medical device recall at all, was what I wanted to say. Of course, I knew that if it had been my grandma, I'd be scared and pissed to.

Luckily, this guy calmed down enough to listen to me explain that the FDA issues any recalls and the FDA web site would have the information on the recalled devices as well as the model his wife had in her.

It's amazing what's on the FDA web site. Everyday they issue about 10-20 recalls and consumer warnings and we MIGHT hear one a month. Seriously, looking down at it, it reminds you what a litigious country we live in.

By the way, if you get bored by crappy TV this summer, Arrested Development is replaying its second season on Friday nights. And if you're really bored like me, check out The Amazing Race on the Game Show Network every night. I am TOTALLY addicted to The Amazing Race.

Training Squirrels to kiss my ass

I've spent yet another day at the Golf course. Not playing, of course, but working our golf tournament. The first one had the afternoon round rain out, so we had to go at it again. Thankfully, we only had to report for duty from 10-1 today. Of course, three hours in this heat is still enough time to sweat through your clothes and feel gross, but at least it was three hours away from the office.

Having the majority of the office in one place at one time is always a great way for me to realize that I don't really like any of my co-workers. We've got so many new people right now. I found out that I was calling the new guy Blaine, but his actual name is Blake. My response to this when it was pointed out to me: "At this point, he should feel flattered that I knew he worked here."

I was reading the newspaper this afternoon (it is my job to scan and look for any articles that might have a mention of us) and I found an article on chocolate making. It was tied in to the release of the new "Willy Wonka" movie and had a nice little box of bulletted tidbits related to the making of the movie. How many real chocolate bars were used, how many fake ones were made, and there was this one:

• 40 squirrels were trained over 19 weeks to sit on stools, open nut shells and drop the nuts onto a conveyor belt.

WHAT? They trained SQUIRRELS?!?! Isn't the whole invention of CGI based around the thought of not having to do asinine things for movies and let computers do them instead? I'm beginning to think that the squirrel factoid was added in by some one pranking us. There's someone related to the Willy Wonka movie that's scanning newspapers throughout the U.S. to see if there was a newspaper dumb enough to fall for the training squirrels fact. There was. It was the Tennessean.

Of course, then I googled 'Training Squirrels' and the first hits were all about Tim Burton and his million-dollar squirrels. That's a good practical joke.

Good writing wins out

The Emmy nominations came out today. I like TV, but I'm not big on awards shows. The Oscars don't do shit for me and I can't stand to watch people talk about fashion. I can stand to read about the fashions after the event, but watching for 4 hours just to see what Catherine Zeta-Jones is wearing is a bit much.

Nonetheless the Emmy nominations came out today and apparently 'Everybody Loves Raymond.' Well, everyone but me.

It's not that I hate the show, but I just don't think it's funny at all. How that show has lasted for nine years shows me the state of TV today.

Here's a little tidbit of interest about the Emmy nominations: 'Everybody Loves Raymond' was nominated for best writing for ONE episode of last season. There are 10 credited writers on that show. It took TEN people to crank out mother-in-law and dumb husband jokes.

'Arrested Development,' by the way, was nominated for THREE episodes in the same category. There are no more than 2 writers on each episode.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince comes out in less than 2 days (or less than 32 hours if you're going to buy it at midnight). I have to say that I'm excited to see it. Mostly I'm for any book that gets a kid reading. I'm sure that porn would do the same thing, but I think parents would find it only slightly more objectionable than the "heathen Satanism" that's in the Potter books.

Speaking of porn, the new Hustler Store opened here a couple weeks ago, but it's grand opening is tomorrow. Larry Flynt and Ron Jeremy are going to be in town to help launch the thing. The new store has a cafe in it and if the coffee's cheaper than Starbucks, I might have to frequent it. The Hustler store is about three blocks from our office and I'm willing to patronize any establishment that offers me the cheap caffeine high and the pleasure of wondering why one would want a grape-flavored butt plug. The mysteries of the world abound.

I'm so close to hitting 1,000 on my blogpatrol counter. If you happen to the lucky 1,000th person, let me know. I'd like to see who it is.

But I love Bejewelled

MSN today had a survey of how workers slack off on average two hours, other than their lunch hour, every day. That's a pretty good chunk of time. I'd have to say that today, I know I topped that.

I have emailed, surfed, played and for some reason, I still have time on my hands. Apparently, I'm ass-poor at planning my workload. This is probably to remind me how busy I'll be in the fall and how I will be lamenting the days when I didn't have 16 hours of work to cram into 10 hours.

Anyway, this survey was kind of funny because it found that people from Missouri slack off the most. Of course, the Chambers of Commerce and other business associations in Missouri got all defensive about it. C'mon people. It's a survey of about 10,000 people.

Well, I should probably get out of here and actually go the one place that I have a lot of work to do: the apartment. So much unpacking, so little time.

I remember when I didn't have a couch

I remember clearly in the not so distant past when all of my belongings fit neatly in a 1985 Cutlass Supreme. It's true that the Cutlass is not known for it's lack of space, but still it's a principle of the thing.

Apparently now my belongings need a 17' Uhaul truck. Where did I get all this stuff?

I lived in the same apartment for the 4 years that I've been here. People were constantly asking me why I didn't move to a more central or fashionable location. My reply was the same: "My furniture is heavy and I'm not moving it." People usually chuckled, not realizing how serious I was.

Chef and Chef's friend found out yesterday just how heavy it was. They also got a new appreciation for my stepdad who moved me in with only the help of me and another girl. After all was said and done, everything made it to the new place, but Chef definitively said: "I'm not moving that furniture again."

So, for a while when people ask us why we don't move, Chef and I will BOTH be able to answer: "Because our furniture is heavy."

The next time that stuff makes its way to truck, some very well compensated men will be taking it to its new destination. Moving sucks and for those of you who do it often, you must be out of your mind.

That's Why My Nipples are Disgruntled, too

Today, I'm sitting in the frozen tundra of my office. A humble 10 foot by 10 foot cell that's temperature is now reflecting the ice blue wallpaper. It's about 60 degrees in here. In July.

I know I'm not the only one that has waged the bitter thermostat battle. I usually wear layers into work to prevent any change in personal optimal temperature, but today was casual day. I made the mistake of opting for cute and weather appropriate clothes.

A study from Cornell says that the optimal temperature for maximum workplace productivity is 74 degrees. Cooler office places were about 10 percent less efficient. 74 degrees, people! That's a full SEASON warmer than it is here today and no amount of padding, band-aids or tape will prevent my boobs from showing their displeasure.

Drinksmixer.com will let you put in all the things that you have in your liquor cabinet and then spit out all the recipes for drinks that you can make with your combination. It's a good time and I'm now excited to try some new things. Chef already made me Spooge---it's Malibu, Kahlua and cream, people!

More embarrassing than that OTHER video he did

Has anyone else seen the R. Kelly "urban soap opera" 'Trapped in the Closet (Parts 1-5)'? VH1 showed all 5 in a row yesterday and me and Chef happened to catch them.

The story is so horrendously stereotypical with everyone cheating on everyone else that the so-called "twists" are pretty lame. Especially compared with even a slow-moving episode of '24.' Nonetheless, the real problem is the actual song itself.

Remember when you were a kid (or a 26 year old) and you used to sing every sentence? Well, that's what happens here except there's a lot of singing of "He said...." and "She said...." and "Rufus said....". BAD BAD BAD

If you get bored and need a laugh that doesn't involve urination, check it out.

I STILL Heart Carbs

FINALLY! Those psycho carb-fearing people are dying off. I think it's all the bacon fat that's clogging their arteries. Nonetheless, the craze is dying. Of course, with this now comes the questions:

• What happens to all that low-carb food?
• What about those people that invested their money in low-carb grocery stores?
• Will the advertising geniuses behind this now start marketing this to people who could actually use and like no sugar candy and whatnot (like, say, diabetics)?

I actually ran across an article today that says that people and companies are donating their low-card food to Christian charities in the Appalachia. So far the charities have received 14 truckloads or more than 18,000 CASES of Atkins crap.

Why do people buy into a craze? Especially one that says that eating fruits is bad and lots of beef is good. Does that make any kind of sense? It always makes me think of Meredith and her "I can have breadsticks as long as they have cheese on them because cheese negates the bread" logic.

I love carbs. I will always love carbs. I think I need a breadstick.

The Whore of War

Apparently every holiday is now a time to show movies about war on cable. The war in the Middle East is an excuse for cable companies and movie distributors to wheel out their 'patriotic, the underdog always wins, a lesson is learned' movie.

Nonetheless I was taken in by this hook, at least to some extent (of course Tivo viewing make TV movies bearable). I began to notice a trend. The same actors seem to pop up again and again in war movies. Barry Pepper, that annoying kid from Remember the Titans and of course, the Whore of War, Mel Gibson.

I honestly can only think of a couple Mel Gibson movies that don't deal with some war, be it in the U.S., for the U.S. or just plain good old fashioned conflict. The crappy ass Air America was centered around a war. Even What Women Want deals with the battle of the sexes (okay, that one was a stretch).

War war war. Even fictitious wars get some airplay. Of course, Independence Day did have the title working for it. I usually only watch because it makes me remember the first time I saw that movie with Swampette. She got startled at one point and coke and popcorn rained down on me.

I hope every one had a happy war weekend.

It's the weekend, bitch

Yeah! I've never been a big 4th of July geek. I don't usually get into fireworks unless they're big roman candles that I get to point in a phallic manner towards someone else and fire away. However, I'm always a big fan of the 3-day weekend.

I thought that I was a big slacker seeing as my morning activities got me to work about 30 minutes later than I wanted to. However, I pulled up and was the first one here that was a salaried employee. THEN, to make things better it's only 2 p.m. and I'm the last salaried employee here.

Sometimes non-profit work isn't that bad.